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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 23:00

Thanks for this advice. He was angry at me two weeks ago for being an hour late when I even told him the day before I would be late and he can go to the pub at 9pm and still not be home 11pm next day. I confident there is not another woman it's lads and maybe drugs

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 11/09/2016 23:01

I think his mother is giving you a very powerful message.

GeneralBobbit · 11/09/2016 23:01

Of course he's not dead or hurt, he's with his friends. Which you know since they were going home to sleep 11 hours ago. They'll have wakened up and ordered pizza and be deliberately ignoring you.

And if you've called and it rang out at any point? That was him turning the phone on to show his mates and laugh about how many missed calls there are from you.

My EX husband did this. Note, ex.

PikachuBoo · 11/09/2016 23:01

You are still young. Stop it now. My DH and I got together early and had lots of separate fun before we git married and had kids (but NO shagging around). We were young in the days before mobiles and and we would never have put each other in those circs.
He's an utter tosser, break with it now, and bring your family up as they should be.
Do not allow him to treat you like shit, you deserve far better.
This behaviour is not normal, whatever he may tell you.

Daisygarden · 11/09/2016 23:01

Isn't his mum worried by now too? If not, and she still says "he won't be worrying about you", is it possible she knows more than she is letting on but is nervous of interfering so doesn't want to say more?

If it does turn out that he's fine and well, I can guess that it will be years (if at all) before he stops pulling this sort of stunt on you. It's really not fair if you are sat at home worrying. Yes you could go out yourself but that doesn't solve the problem.

GlitteryFluff · 11/09/2016 23:01

Firstly I would concentrate on finding out he's ok, there is a tiny chance that something may have happened to him.

When you find he's ok, I would end things.

confuugled1 · 11/09/2016 23:02

At the moment 5 years seems like a long time to have invested in a relationship to then just walk away.

However, imagine you're 75. (I'm putting you at 25 for easy maths!) and you're still with your fiance. That's another 50 years - 10 times what you have already spent with him. And if he gets worse with the disappearing and being a dick then that's 50 more years of misery.

Think of it as a 5 year trial - do you want to relive this last month that you've had together by 600? Because that's what it will be for the next 50 years...

Now is exactly the time to go if you're fed up and being treated so badly. Sounds like your 'd'p thinks that as you're caught/trapped engaged, he can now go off and behave however he wants regardless of how it impacts on you. Not a nice thought to have that ahead of you in your future. And it will only get much worse if you have kids together!

Sorry. I don't mean to be hard faced about this - it's just that when you seem to think that investing 5 years of your life together should tie you to someone who doesn't respect you for the rest of your life - it's just that somebody needs to point out that it doesn't matter if you've spent 5 days, 5 years or 50 years together - you need to look at what the rest of your future holds and decide if you can cope with it being like this...

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 23:03

I disagree depression definitely makes people act in a negative way. I'm not saying depression is really to blame for this incident though because he has been doing good lately

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 11/09/2016 23:03

His mum says not to worry and that he won't be worrying about me

If his own mother is saying this about him, believe it. Thank god you're not married to him yet and dump him.

Imagine how much worse you would feel if you already had children with him Sad. He won't change - because men like that don't. Do you really want days of worry like this for the rest of your life?

YouAreMyRain · 11/09/2016 23:04

Have you seen this?

He hasn't come home
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2729761-He-hasnt-come-home

Especially HuskyLover1's post at 20:50

LineyReborn · 11/09/2016 23:04

Drugs isn't good.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 23:04

I would be saying the same to a stranger but I'm not ready to let it go! Still not home arghhh

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 11/09/2016 23:05

And don't let him use the excuse that it's his 'depression'. Does his 'depression' cause him to treat his mates like shit or is it just you?

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 11/09/2016 23:06

You need to seriously out the wedding on hold. It looks like his behaviour is getting worse.

He won't change when your married and then have kids and then you will be really fucked.

If you have kids with this guy while he is like this - you will be an irresponsible mother. Kids need stable patents - not ones that make bad choices - that goes for both of you

Myusernameismyusername · 11/09/2016 23:06

Not one do I suffer with depression I also work in mental health.

I've made bad choices for myself at times and have regrets but I can assure you, people who are depressed don't act like an arsehole out having fun with their mates like a 16 year old child that's just immaturity. It doesn't help the stigma of mental health problems to use it as an excuse to behave like a twat

Yayme · 11/09/2016 23:06

I think his mother knows him well.

PikachuBoo · 11/09/2016 23:06

Depression does not make people behave like twats

AtSea1979 · 11/09/2016 23:08

I'm sorry OP I agree with others, you are better off without him. He sounds very immature, what do you see in him?
I don't get the run past window thing. Not out for a run then? Running past to hide from his mum because he was on his way home? I suspect he's with OW right now.

GabsAlot · 11/09/2016 23:08

youre making excuses already op

hes depressed-yes and? im depresed but i dont go out disappearing with mate son the piss an not tell anyone wherei am

nothing to do with depression -explaning where u are takes 2 seconds

BastardGoDarkly · 11/09/2016 23:10

I think it's safe to say he's not coming back tonight.

Have you contacted him/his friends on fb op?

PepsiPenguin · 11/09/2016 23:11

He sounds like an immature idiot who is using depression as an excuse for his extremely bad and disrespectful behaviour.

He is also starting to control you considering the way he acted when you were out a little later than planned.

His mothers comments speak volumes, this is "normal" behaviour for him.

Do not marry this man child, it ends only one way you in tears.

riceuten · 11/09/2016 23:13

In your situation, I'd text him and say you're changing the locks and he can collect his stuff from his mum's if he doesn't get in touch within 2 hours.

MariaCameFromNashville · 11/09/2016 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgainPlease · 11/09/2016 23:16

I'm sorry you're going through this OP Flowers and seems you're not getting much support. "Leave him!" Doesn't really help in these situations.

He is young and stupid and taking the piss, he probably won't change. My DH is in his 40s and still goes on benders with his mates in the City, stumbling in at 3 or 4am on a week night. The difference is I get texts or calls every few hours so I know he's safe and I can hear all his mates in the background so I know he's not lying to me about where he is and who he is with.

But for your fiancé to blatantly be ignoring your calls is worrying. He knows you will be angry/pissed off/upset when he does eventually come home. Can you let us know how it goes? I'm sure he'll turn up tonight at some point with his tail between his legs.

Myusernameismyusername · 11/09/2016 23:18

Op thinks her dp is out taking drugs with his friends.
I think it would be irresponsible for people to give advice to marry him and spend the next 50 years at home worrying about him