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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 23:18

Well yes he should be at work tomorrow and he usually takes my car at 5.30 am STILL NOT HOME

OP posts:
riceuten · 11/09/2016 23:19

He had a childhood trauma which causes depression and he has these blow outs every 3 months and bottles stuff up! He is being selfish but there is a lot to it. I want to try to work things out but it is hard, I in no way think it will be easy. Just want him to come home as at the moment I'm panicking that he's dead or hurt somewhere

Sounds like you are making up excuses for him, unfortunately, and you seem, if not happy, willing to tolerate what is the kind of behaviour a teenager might get away with, not a full grown adult. Not answering the phone/taking drugs/kicking off when you're late - he has zero respect for you. This is no basis for a relationship, still less a marriage, and still less, a father for your kid(s).

GabsAlot · 11/09/2016 23:19

rea the linked thread further up op

do u want to be in the same position in ten year time with three kids

Lj8893 · 11/09/2016 23:19

I could have written this post 8 years ago when I was engaged to a selfish, immature idiot like this. Thankfully I called the wedding off.

I'm now married to a lovely man and my ex is still doing the same old immature thing (even though he has had several children since then with different women).

Get out while you can op. Flowers

blankpieceofpaper · 11/09/2016 23:19

Have you contacted local hospitals - just in case?

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 11/09/2016 23:19

Don't marry him. He really is still a baby regardless of his age. You know this already don't you?. Walk away there are lovely men a'plenty out there.
Forget the 5 years invested in him, enjoy the good memories and move on.

Myusernameismyusername · 11/09/2016 23:19

You can't report him missing yet as too soon but if you are that worried why don't you call 101 and talk to someone about it for advice.

Mumite · 11/09/2016 23:19

How are you feeling OP?
Sounds like: neglected, anxious, angry, confused...

Totally normal given the person who is supposed to love you most in the world hasn't been in touch for so long probably due to a combination of mental health problems, drink and possibly selfishness too.

Whether or not he's worrying about you or your relationship at this point (and it sounds like not) these aren't good feelings to have in a relationship. Couldn't you at least postpone the wedding until you're sure you're not going to feel like this once married?

riceuten · 11/09/2016 23:20

Well yes he should be at work tomorrow and he usually takes my car at 5.30 am STILL NOT HOME

Double lock the door.

Storminateapot · 11/09/2016 23:21

It's probably safe to say he's not coming home tonight either & is throwing a sickie tomorrow.

You'd have heard if he was hurt or in trouble, this is just sheer fuckwittery. Pack his bag ready to hand to him when he finally deigns to grace you with his presence.

Mumite · 11/09/2016 23:22

And I do hope you hear from him soon!

GabsAlot · 11/09/2016 23:23

if he tries to use your car say no

the lat thing u need is a car accident where he kills someone

SoozeyHoozey · 11/09/2016 23:26

I agree with another poster, his mum knows where he is. Any inkling he's ever cheated?

purplefox · 11/09/2016 23:26

Sure, walking away after 5 years is hard, but its far easier than getting through another 10 years of being treated like shit and wishing you'd left years ago.

blankpieceofpaper · 11/09/2016 23:29

It is a dangerous myth that it is "too soon" to report someone missing. You can do so as soon as you have reasonable concerns.

www.gov.uk/report-missing-person

We did this with my uncle after he'd walked out and disappeared for hours after taking out the rubbish and not returned. He'd hitchhiked to his mum's house three hours away.

hotdiggedy · 11/09/2016 23:29

Do yourself a favour and find someone who doesn't do silly things like this.

HappyAxolotl · 11/09/2016 23:31

To borrow from another forum: Say that 40-years-in-the-future-you comes to find now-you and tells now-you that nothing is ever going to change in this relationship. At all. Ever. What he is is what he will be forever. How long are you going to stay?

I live with housemates and if any of us is doing an all-night-plus disappearance we put a message on the house whatsapp. It's just nice to let people you live with know you are okay.

Lorelei76 · 11/09/2016 23:31

I thought drugs too
It's hard enough to be mates with people who can't be responsible, marrying one is beyond crazy.

You want to send him packing ASAP.

Myusernameismyusername · 11/09/2016 23:32

I meant that a lot of forces won't pick up the case until a certain time. It's worth trying. I think it's 24 hours here unless very concerning circumstances, worrying mental state, threats and such like

It might give him a shock to get picked up by the police and get arrested for drug possession tho?

Goodasgoldilox · 11/09/2016 23:33

Deliver all his belongings to his mother's house?

It seems he isn't quite grown-up enough to leave and live in a normal adult relationship with another person yet.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 23:33

No she would tell me if she knew where he was! I know a lad he works with bought drugs and he lives 3 doors down from his mum so I think the running bit was to stop him being seen with the las

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 11/09/2016 23:34

I read the link so yeah it's worth a try OP. Report him missing

Peanut14 · 11/09/2016 23:34

mumit wrote:

How are you feeling OP?
Sounds like: neglected, anxious, angry, confused...

Totally normal given the person who is supposed to love you most in the world hasn't been in touch for so long probably due to a combination of mental health problems, drink and possibly selfishness too.

Whether or not he's worrying about you or your relationship at this point (and it sounds like not) these aren't good feelings to have in a relationship. Couldn't you at least postpone the wedding until you're sure you're not going to feel like this once married?

Very good advice from mumite.

Take care of yourself OP, once you know he is safe, take time for yourself and do some serious thinking.

Bogeyface · 11/09/2016 23:34

The mum says "he won't be worrying about you". I'd take a bit of offence to that actually!

I wouldnt. I think that she has the measure of him perfectly and is trying to tell the OP that there is no point getting into a state over someone who doesnt give a shit about you. And he doesnt. If he did he would have at least contacted her to say that he was on a bender and was ok. But he hasnt.

This is not a man to marry. I know you say that you have been together 5 years, but it isnt worth this shit.

There is the "sunken costs fallacy" that is mentioned on here a lot and in your case I think that this is where your "its not that simple" is coming from. It is that simple.

livingwithinreason.com/2014/12/11/rational-relationships-the-sunk-cost-fallacy/

ThirdTimeLuck · 11/09/2016 23:35

Please leave this selfish twat, he's manipulating you and life is too short. Find someone who respects you. Report him missing and then go to bed with the door locked.