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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:
regularbutpanickingabit · 12/09/2016 03:01

Please listen to the wise posters above. Especially the ones who have lived with similar partners and regret sticking it out.
If he takes drugs and is with a drug taker then he is likely to be on a blender and will call in sick tomorrow.

However, he has zero respect for you to do this at all, snd to do it with no contact.

If this is out of character then you would have called the police. What is stopping you? Is it because you know that he is ok but being an idiot? If you genuinely worry for him then call 201 now. Last sighting = the druggie house. Let them go there for you to check for him.

Trauma is awful but his own mum isn't worried. You can't always save people who don't wan saving.

I'm sorry you are being treated like this.

regularbutpanickingabit · 12/09/2016 03:02

On a bender, not blender! And 201 should be 101.

donajimena · 12/09/2016 03:02

I totally get that you are worried. Once you have established his well being will you end it?
If you don't you will demonstrate exactly how much poor behaviour you will tolerate.
This is fucking despicable behaviour.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 03:11

Can't go through this again. Im thinking all sorts of bad things

OP posts:
SugaredPlumFairy · 12/09/2016 03:13

Please Jemima just call someone. Even if it just brings a bit of change to you sitting going mad for god knows how many hours.

at least you'll be being proactive. You won't be wasting police time especially if you call 101 as they can advise on whether they think it's an emergency.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 03:14

I don't know what to do, losing the plot! How can I go to work myself in 5 hours with him mssing

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 12/09/2016 03:14

Urgh what a complete man child. Whatever the reason this time if he's really 25 about to get married and still pissing around with 'lads and drugs' then he's an immature prick and you are utterly wasting your time.

This ^. Even the word 'lads' is irritating me - he's fucking 25, not 17, he is a man. He has no business getting married until he starts acting like one!

Read the 'sunk cost fallacy' thing that someone posted earlier, OP. Then read it again.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 03:17

I had just text his mum saying its 27 hours since I heard off him and he's still not home. I have messaged a lad I am guessing he might have been with but he's not going to reply in the middle of the night. I'm thinking I can contact his uncle at first light and ask him to ring another work mate whose house he said he was at on the midnight that he went out urghhhh hate this

OP posts:
regularbutpanickingabit · 12/09/2016 03:18

Jemima - call 101. If he is genuinely in trouble then you know you did the right thing. If he is just being a prick then the wake up call from the police in front of the lads will either shame him in to changing his life around or, more likely, make him angry enough for you to see you've been played.

TattyCat · 12/09/2016 03:19

You must surely know that if you go ahead and marry him, this is what the rest of your life will look like? His own mother is telling you that this is who he is - you should really listen to her. The next time he 'disappears' could be for a week but he'll expect you to forgive him because that's what he does, isn't it?

SugaredPlumFairy · 12/09/2016 03:20

I'm starting to wonder if you are worried he will be really angry with you Jemima?

Please don't let this stop you. As original poster said if anything has go wrong you know you have done right thing

SugaredPlumFairy · 12/09/2016 03:22

Sorry meant above poster not original

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 03:23

I can't even think about the future at the moment until he is found. I don't know who the three lads were because his mum saw him with them at 11.30am yesterday. I suppose I know he wasn't hurt on the Saturday night but where's has he been Sunday afternoon and night? When he has had a drink it s not unusual for him to sleep for a long period but that's usually back at home

OP posts:
WatcherOfTheNight · 12/09/2016 03:23

After 27 hours I think 101 is the right thing to do Op.
If he's been under the influence of alcohol & drugs anything could've happened.

Atenco · 12/09/2016 03:25

I don't live in the Uk, so I don't know, but do the police have any database about people who have suffered an accident or been arrested? I suppose you could ask 101 when you phone, OP.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 03:29

His mum saw him go past her house 16 hours ago urghhhh this is driving me insane with worry now

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 03:30

I'm thinking of going to check his van and his garage incase he's hiding out in them afraid to face me

OP posts:
WatcherOfTheNight · 12/09/2016 03:32

Why would he be afraid to face you?

WatcherOfTheNight · 12/09/2016 03:34

Someone who's been on a massive bender would normally come home and sleep it off,are you sure he's not at his mums?

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 03:37

Nooo she would have told me, she wouldn't let ne worry unnecessarily, she told me she would tell me if he showed up at her house. He would be worried after all this time. I've shouted at him for making me worry once when he walked in at midday after a night out so if he's not hurt he must know I'll be angry

OP posts:
Chocolatefudgecake100 · 12/09/2016 04:02

Op i feel so bad for you in this hes inexcusable you must be absolutely demented when this arsehole emerges please please get rid he isnt good enough for you is he

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 12/09/2016 04:03

I do think other woman with it being so long but hope in wrong

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 04:06

No I don't think so, he hasn't been showing any off behaviour or been absent before he went out drinking Saturday and his mum saw him with males

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 04:08

I want this nightmare to be over! I want him to walk in the house so the dread can be lifted from me. I don't even care to think about a future just that I know he is ok

OP posts:
WatcherOfTheNight · 12/09/2016 04:15

She saw him with males 16-17 hours ago?
He could've gone anywhere in that time.

There really isn't an innocent explanation for this is there?
Or there is a really disrespectful explanation one,possibly a very upsetting one.
If it was my DH I would have called the police by now.
But if,as you say with your Dp he has form for this kind of behaviour,his bags would be outside & the doors would be locked.