He hasn't come home

[NoCapes]

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

OP I was in a similar position to you when I asked my ex h to leave I had 2 young children, worked 2 days a week and had no money but I got there in the end just like you will.

That's a great tip about getting cash back with shopping must remember that advice for future. It's good that you have control of the money that's a positive

Hi Nocapes

I think you're a strong woman who just needs a little help as it all seems a bit too big to handle. I'm a family support worker in school and there's lots of help out there you just need to know how to access it. Have you got one at your school? If not maybe your health visitor or dr could help. Big hug X

The house is rented in your name. Pack him a bag, put it on the step. Put the chain on the door. Put a note on the door 'I don't care where you were. I don't care where you go, but you no longer live here. You can email me if you want to see the children'. Get someone supportive to come around for the day.
OP, you're not a shit mum, you're holding everything together despite being ground down to the point you don't know which way is up. It took me years to leave my XH, and it was the best decision I ever made for me and my son. After 4 years on my own (happily) I met DP and he showed me what a real relationship is about. We're a team in every way. You deserve to be happy, to be free, to build your confidence and self worth back up (you can and will do this) and to be whatever you want to be. You and your kids will be happier for it, I know how scary it all looks now, but honestly, just getting rid of him will give you the best sense of relief you've ever known. The rest can be sorted out later.

I know I should've probably bided my time a bit longer and made some plans, but I know myself and I know that tomorrow he'll be normal and it'll all get swept under the rug until the next time, and so the cycle continues
So I told him to leave
He said no
The conversation went round in circles a little bit but I tried to stay emotionless and not fall into the usual traps (him saying fine because I clearly don't love him, me saying I do love him but he doesn't treat me well then him saying he loves me and before you know it we're making up) I just ignored, stayed deadpan and kept repeating that his behaviour was unacceptable, I deserved better and I want him to leave
I think he accepted it, although he still hasn't lived out of bed
And now I don't know what to do

Moved out of bed* not lived

Start packing his stuff up? He has to see your serious and not going to be talked round

He's still in bed at 4.30 on a Sunday afternoon? And has no shame or embarrassment? What a prize twat

You're serious!

First of all, good on you. Second, wait until the next time he goes out (won't be long from what you've said) and then dump all his shit on the doorstep and lock the door.

I can't really pack because he needs to get the suitcase out of the loft (I'm a shortarse and can't get up there)
I could start gathering it all and making a pile I suppose

Put his stuff in black bags.

OP please don't waste anymore time being unhappy. I was recently in your exact position although my exDP was also physically abusive. I have two small DC (1 & 2.5). It really is as simple as telling him you want him to leave. You're are in such a strong position - benefits should only take 2-3 weeks to get sorted.

I kicked exDP out a few weeks ago. I called my best friend and my mum to come over that day to make sure he left and i also called FIL to tell him what had been happening. Like you have said in a previous post he and the children were all I had, I dont work. A few weeks down the line now and i already feel so much more positive about the future and I'm actually much better off financially now i can control all the money and I dont have him wasting money away.

He's never going to change. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to accept him the way he is. If not then he needs to leave.

I dont miss exDP (obviously as he was a waste of space) but it's taking time to grieve for the family life I imagined with him.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. You and your children deserve so much better

Good for you! Now you have to stick with it and follow through, he probably doesn't believe you and you will do yourself no favours in backing down as he will know the next time that you didn't really mean it.

Stick to your guns. You are already on your own, he is no great loss.

Sod the suitcase, chuck it all in a bin bag. Good riddance to bad rubbish, what a selfish arse. God your life will be so much better without him

NoCapes, if you think he might react aggressively to this, please wait until he's gone out or you have someone with you.

Bin bags for his shit. Put in the garden. Get his key/card before he gets up. Maybe hide the paperwork. He can go to wherever he was last night. Not your problem.

I don't think he will pushing he might have a strop and he's thrown things/punched walls in the past but he's never been violent and j really don't think he would, I'm not scared of him at all

He's just asked me what's for tea this isn't going very well
I might have to pack and lick up while he's at work tomorrow

Lock up*

Well done Capes. That will shock him.
So now you start piling his shit into Bin Bags, I bet he gets up like a rocket.
He will start shouting, any threats you call the police (have phone in pocket).
tell him the kids have waited all day for him to take them out...
He has failed once more.
THE MN phrase: "This isn't working for me" & repeat. No need for explications, recriminations, he knows what he has done after all.
It's your lease, you are entitled to lock him out, so if he won't go this evening, it will be more than simple to change the locks tomorrow. You can tell him that.

Ok :-) you're doing the right thing to take action. Best of luck with it x

No no no - do not cook him tea. Do not engage with him except to repeat that you want him to leave.

The fact that he's not listening to you or taking any notice of what you're saying speaks volumes.

Ooh could you send him out for a takeaway and then lock the door? seeing as he's hungry and all

Oh no I'm not planning to cook for him don't you worry about that

If he says he has nowhere to go remind him that he spends enough nights out to sleep where he normally does when not at home.

Oh, & DO NOT cook him any fucking tea.

Tell him what's for yours & the kids tea then say haven't got a clue what you're having, better ask wherever it is you're going-because you are going, and mean it.