He hasn't come home

[NoCapes]

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

Stay strong Nocapes. You can do this. We're all behind you

its neve rgoing to be easier

thehouse is in your name you hold the powr cant u get in touch with your relatve explain the situ an say can u give the rent when the hb comes through?

yes it will be hard but u have to do it now before it does get worse

u can get income support chil tax credit and hb u just need a bit of leeway with the rent

tell him to leave

I'm not seeing how being without him would be worse than being with him tbh. Can't see the downside of that. It's not as if you're spending quality time together and it's not as if it's making a difference to the kids .

As someone else said (Elspeth?) leaving is actually that simple- or in your case, making him leave. You've got the house, you've got control of the money, all you need to do is confirm your alternative source of funds i.e. benefits and hand him his cards.

The only thing stopping you is that you don't want to - and that's ok, but if you're going to put up with it, then you forfeit the right to complain.

'I have no job, no qualifications, no money, no friends
I have him and my children - that's it'

You don't have him. He is treating you terribly and gives you nothing of value. It would be truer to say that you have your children and your own resourcefulness.

He is against you. Everything he does makes your life worse. I've never said LTB before but you really should.

Everything else - job, friends, even qualifications if you want them - will come in time as you put your life back together.

Just because you've wasted lots of years doesn't mean you have to waste more.

Just because he's taught you that you can't live or cope without him, doesn't mean you can't.

Put a plan together, little steps, one thing at a time.

Sorry Nocapes I responded too quickly, without reading the whole thread, but I have now, and note that your home is rented in your name. That fact alone will make separation less difficult in practical terms, and as has been said, you hardly see him anyway, so you're already operating on a single mum basis!
I really hope you are still reading, because everyone of us is in your corner! I'm not even going into the effect this is having on your kids (although it's not good), because first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself, so you can continue being the mum they need.
Please try to make a basic plan, you can do it, just one step at a time, but you must push yourself all the way. You have to get this useless appendage out of your life, arm yourself with information, know your rights and you will be able to do it....and then go on to lead a much happier life!!

I'm sorry for your recent miscarriage.

I know this is a living nightmare but you need to find a way to get rid of him. TBH it does sound like he is having an affair and he may leave you so you need to start to plan.

I'm not sure how old your DC are but it might be worth confiding in your health visitor. If your relationship were to suddenly finish they can organise a few visits to a food bank. It can be a lifeline for women in your situation.

Also check today what benefits you are entitled to. Also calculate how much money your DP would have to give as maintenance for the DC.

You CAN do this. It will be hard but many women have been through similar and you can too. Good luck.

You have a lot of support on here. I imagine your family would be very happy to see you get shot of this charmless piece of filth. You say you have no friends but is that the actual truth ? Perhaps you have people you chat to at school or friendly neighbours? All of these people will be there for you.

You say you have no skills or qualifications but you have lots of skills. Parenting, managing your household singlehandedly. Managing the family finances which is not easy when things are tight. Cooking and cleaning. You are very literate, you write very well so actually you have a great many skills and attributes. You lack confidence and self worth because they have been slowly sucked away from you in a manner which is nothing short of criminal.

You can do it. Life can be so much better than this and 26 is so young. The world is waiting for you. What more can we do to help you finish this awful excuse for a relationship?

Another idea for something you could do, if not right now, at least without too much difficulty - childminding. Your council will be able to let you know what you need to do to get set up.

Sorry to keep banging on about this; I just know if it were me, I would want to know that my children and I would be reasonably financially secure to feel confident to sling him out.

I also like to Have A Plan.

OP - you only get one life and this is it. How any H and father can swan in at 8.30 in the morning and not even feel the need for a hint of an explanation as to where he's been is utterly beyond me.

He is a piece of filth.

Is your mum still around? Surely there is someone you can confide in.

I hear what you're saying about the lack of qualifications, but you are still young and it's never too late. Your DC will all be in school soon. I don't know where you live, but in London for instance, the going rate for domestic cleaners is £12 per hour. That's far better than the minimum wage, plus it's cash in hand. Even if you did 3 hours, 5 days per week, that's £180 on top of benefits and anything the bastard may be forced to pay in maintenance. I know many people who have gone on to build their own cleaning / dog walking / pet feeding companies from this. You can be your own boss and fit in college around the hours you choose to work.

You can do this. As January says above, this man is not one of the things you "have". He is against you and your DC. He has broken you down. Don't let him ruin your lives any longer - please.

OP I am so glad you came back.

I spoke some harsh words to you, they were deliberately harsh because I wanted to provoke you a little. Not to cause you pain, and I'm sorry if that was the case, but I hope you were a little angry towards me. Because anger can be such a useful emotion.
I think a PP mentioned it too.
In anger lies great strength, huge power , if you can find that anger and harness it it will give you the strength and courage to take the steps you need to.

I was in an abusive relationship that I struggled to leave, my self confidence was so low that it was really hard to get out. I came to believe that I was worthless.

Finding anger gave me the power to be brave and take the steps I needed.
I found it helpful to write down all my exs bad points, times he had abused me, times he put me down, his impatience, his dark sarcasm, his foul language.

Rather than wallow and feel sorry for myself I allowed some anger to build,then I thought "HOW FUCKING DARE HE!!" . Who the hell was he to treat me like shit, a servant and maid, washing his clothes while he was off fucking other women. I did this a few times, and over several weeks I felt stronger.

Don't wallow in self pity, don't feel sorry for yourself, get MAD. Get angry with me if it helps.

Many of us are angry with him on your behalf, join that chorus and become it's leader, be furious, for your sake, for your kid's sake.
Use anger to your advantage.

Right the baby is finally napping and the kids are playing out so I can actually reply now

I really need to have a think about what I can do job wise
I worked in a beauty salon as a receptionist for a while, and my plan was to do some courses and work there as a beautician at some point but it just kind of never happened, then I had to leave when I was pregnant as I was too ill to continue
But now all the courses rely on you doing 6/8 weeks of unpaid 'practice' on people you know to gain your qualification, and I don't really know anyone I could practice on

The people asking about friends, if I have anyone atall, I have one friend who moved to another city at the beginning of the year so I've seen her a couple of times but not much since she moved
And I speak to lots of mums st school and take the kids out with them and stuff, I just always think they must have actual friends not just 'mums from school' so wouldn't consider our relationship as a friendship iyswim?

There is one mum who I've socialised properly with, without kids who I think is always up for a glass of wine and a chat, I just don't really get the oppurtunity while DP is out all the time, plus the baby doesn't really sleep and DP won't do nights so I'm knackered all the time - also feel a bit frumpy and gross as all my wardrobe consists of is jeggings, £6 Matalan t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms for when I'm at home
...that's just a lot more excuses isn't it?
I think I'm so scared to try to do anything because all I've ever been is a Mum and I just don't really know who I am anymore
God I sound like such a bloody sad case don't I - no wonder he doesn't want to spend any time with me!

He's still in bed by the way

Thankyou user that makes a lot of sense, and Thankyou for sharing what you've been through to try to help
I find it really hard to get angry, I'm just not mad at all
I'm just tired

I'm not sure how old the children are but I wouldn't stress too much about working right now, at some stage it would be good for you but for now it makes the whole thought of going it alone very daunting. First see what you would be entitled to and how much child maintenance you would get and go from there.

The DC are 7, 5 & 10 months

I've just moved £50 from the bank account into my ISA which has had a maximum of 37p in it for years
I feel a bit...naughty! How ridiculous!

NoCapes you are so young and you have so much possibility ahead of you. I know you can't see this now but that's because this man has dragged you down so far.
You are a loving mother and you seem like a kind and thoughtful person. You have a home and three lovely children. There are a lot of college courses starting now, whether it's access courses, GCSE resits or traineeships, it's very worth your while going to see what is available to you. I think that would help improve your confidence and see your true potential.
You must be feeling retched right now and I'm so sorry for your loss. any normal man would be supporting you right now, doing everything he can to make thing easier for you and looking out for you. Unfortunately from reading your posts I believe he's already checked out of the relationship, he's not there for you or the children physically or emotionally and he offers no positive contribution to you or to the household.
You have so much life to live, don't compromise it by devoting it to a man who doesn't deserve you

Nocapes.

OK - imagine how you would feel if a man treated your daughter like this. Would you just feel sad and upset? Or would part of you feel like slamming him against a wall? Because that is a natural reaction.

You are that daughter, you are worth no less than any other person on this planet. You have a right to live your life without being treated like a doormat.
I am glad that at least you have not dismissed my suggestion. I hope your mind comes back to it over the next days and weeks.
The more you revisit it the easier it will be to find your fury.
Sending you wishes . XX

I'd leave if I were you before you get an STI. Should really get yourself checked if you've been having unprotected sex, which is sounds like you have due to your miscarriage. Really sorry about the miscarriage must have been really hard especially when you have no support. Maybe try going to sure start centre in your area, could possiblily meet nice mummies there.

OP you sound like a lovely person - very honest and intelligent. Never underestimate yourself. You're doing the hardest my job in the world with a partner who is not simply useless, but

(Sorry posted too soon) ... not only useless but nasty and emotionally abusive with it. You are stronger than me, that's for sure.

The good news is you are still young. You have three children and nobody can ever take them away from you. You know you have done your best for them and nobody can take this away from you either. You have your health. You have everything to live for.

No wonder you have few friends if you can never really get out. I'm sure there are lovely people at the school, but I know how hectic pick-up and drop offs can be. Hardly the time for meaningful conversations.

All this will change when you can get rid of the useless git. Life can be whatever you make it for you and your children.

When I was separating from my ex I saved additional cash by getting cash back on shopping. He never looked at receipts and doesn't show on bank statements. £5 or £10 here was easy to hide. I tried to reduce my shopping bill and be a frugal as possible. Sometimes I got £20 cash back if my bill was low enough.
It sounds awful now, but I was like you with no savings, I did have a job but our wages were paid into a joint account. Due to his spending financially we went to the wire each month, but I was amazed how much I secretively saved. It was a life saver when we did separate and gave me funds while I separated our finances.

I was exactly where you were at the same age - 2 kids, not 3 - but the rest was the same. If you cannot split now - start making a plan. The £50 in the ISA is a great start, keep it up. Contact the mum who is up for a a laugh and see if you can sort a get together with the kids around. Start thinking about other jobs that do not require training to start with. Find out what you are entitled to (and don't forget maintainance. might have to go via CSA - or whatever it is now, to get it but I think that's 15% of his wage on top of any benefits)

Also if he wants to see the kids it might actually give you a bit free time to go do your own stuff.

I did it. After 15 bloody years of feeling trapped. It's not easy - but you can do it. Just don't move it to the back of your mind until the next all nighter. Keep it present in your head. Oh, and don't tell him. He's lost any right to know what you are thinking and feeling.

Putting money aside isn't really an issue, it goes into my bank not a joint account and he doesn't have log in details
He uses the card a lot though, I might order a new one and change the pin

Thankyou all for the lovely comments and compliments, and Thankyou user I'm glad I came back too, you sound like a really lovely person

I also found that it was easier to manage money. Which was weird at the time as I had less. But I didn't have another person frittering money away on none essentials.

Look at his card use by the way - lots of small daily withdrawals through the week? Small purchases with cashback? My ex used to take out 10-20 a time, or go buy basic groceries and get cashback. do that 5 times and you have £100.