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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He hasn't come home

999 replies

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 07:27

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
peaceloveandbiscuits · 12/09/2016 13:04

Just read the whole thread and am so proud of you. Don't stop, just keep on keeping on.
What an absolute pig he is.

dietborebingo · 12/09/2016 13:08

"You never really told me that you were unhappy" (great way to blame you)
"I'll get custody of the kids because you don't earn cash/you're mad/you're a bad mum" (he doesn't want custody. He's just trying to hurt and manipulate you. He p doesn't want the responsibility, so be sure to laugh at this claim!)
"My friend's girlfriend is fine with him going out. I had no idea you were so uptight" (and if she jumped off a cliff...???)

ReySkywalker · 12/09/2016 13:15

NoCapes you are a warrior, no decent person would have let you go and deliver alone then leave all the work to you. How can he explain that away and say you're overreacting. He's disgusting.
I'm raging at him but so impressed by how strong you're being now - keep it up.
You're an inspiration

CalmItKermitt · 12/09/2016 13:16

I still suspect you'll cave.

Don't you DARE prove me right!

He will NEVER change.

theansweris42 · 12/09/2016 13:17

nocapes I am sorry you had that day alone delivering your angel baby - and then had to come home and carry on with no support.
When you wobble, remember that day Sad Flowers

GabsAlot · 12/09/2016 13:22

here here 42-i'll never forget that post myself

RandomMess · 12/09/2016 13:26

KOKO, you CAN do this!!!

Flowers
DanniAngelMummy · 12/09/2016 13:29

Just wanted to send you a hug Flowers

Original poster
NoCapes · 12/09/2016 13:35

Kermit I really laughed at your post
I don't know how convinced I even am at myself
Yet there are 6 bin bags by the front door

I have a dilemma
He has a PlayStation, I bought it him a few Xmasses ago (and I actually did buy it, it's when I was working) but since then we've bought the kids some games on it and a controller each and DS1 especially plays on it a lot
But it's technically DP's, I gave it to him
Should I pack it? Or keep it?
I don't know when is be able to afford to buy the kids one, if I ever could afford it

OP posts:
Funko · 12/09/2016 13:37

Nope. Keep it for the kids! If he's desperate for it he will ask!

SpringTown46 · 12/09/2016 13:39

You keep it for now. Then if he asks for it then you give to him.

notfromstepford · 12/09/2016 13:44

What countless pp have said - you are amazing, you can do this, you are an inspiration and getting rid of this useless disgusting excuse of a man is the very best thing you can do. And as 42 said - no one should go through that alone, remember that day to give you the strength you need.
I am in awe of you.

GabsAlot · 12/09/2016 13:45

keep it say it for the kids and he can tell them if he wants it and why

CousinCharlotte · 12/09/2016 13:46

Keep it for ds.

WicksEnd · 12/09/2016 13:46

Keep it. Let him be the one to take it from the kids, not you.
I'd also tell him he's very welcome to have his kids overnight any time Smile

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 12/09/2016 13:46

I've stopped replying, he's getting annoyed now as the texts are getting sweary

Well, that didn't take long.

Keep the PlayStation for the kids. But bundle up any adult-aged games, of course.

PetraStrorm · 12/09/2016 13:48

Keep the PlayStation. He'll either let it go or (more likely) he'll make a massive fuss about it. You can then compare how much he cares about his PlayStation with how much care and attention he's shown you recently. Something else to strengthen your resolve, if you need it.

You are doing so well, I'm in awe of you. Once he's gone you might well collapse a bit emotionally. This is to be expected. It does not mean that you made a mistake. It just means that you need to take time to recover, and once you've done that you won't just be back to normal, you'll be so so so much better than the normal you've been used to while you've been with him.

MissMoo22 · 12/09/2016 13:51

NoCapes this thread has made me so sad for you. Every new snippet you post just makes me more angry for you. I really hope you can stay strong. Not for the updates here and how you know everyone is routing for you, but for you and your lovely children. You are still very young and have your entire life ahead of you, you do not deserve to go through this shit every time he slips back into his old ways (because you know he will) and go through the same dilemma time after time about whether you can do it, what about the kids, him sweet talking you, you feeling lonely. You do it this time and do it right and you will save yourself years of misery and feelings you don't deserve to feel.

It'll be fucking shit for a while probably. You'll probably miss him, you'll probably nearly agree to give it another chance and you'll probably think he is really going to change but you know how it will go. Do it now, rip the plaster off and accept that these are the things you will go through and decide how you're going to tackle them (think of what he brings to your life....pretty much nothing. Remember all the nights he let you parent alone while he lay downstairs listening but not helping.) Prepare for the emotional guilt he'll no doubt try to lay with you but remember why you posted here, coz you've have enough.

You don't deserve this. You deserve better.

greenfolder · 12/09/2016 13:53

god. keep the playstation.

ayeokthen · 12/09/2016 13:56

Keep it, if he's enough of a bastard to take it off his own kids he can be the one to tell them why. You'll be surprised at the strength you have inside yourself when it really comes to it, you really are a warrior woman. Please please don't cave now, he'll get worse because he'll know he can get away with anything if you cave.

Squeegle · 12/09/2016 13:57

I'm sad and shocked too that you had to go into hospital on your own and then come back and do the usual routine. That is awful.
You poor thing. Although you're obviously intensely capable, that is unfeasibly selfish of him. You said he's getting sweary. Does this man not realise what he has put you through? YOU should be getting sweary, not him!

LMGTFY · 12/09/2016 13:58

I'm almost daring him to ask for the play station cos that'll show you he wants that over his kids being happy. Do you think the older 2 children will be bothered he has gone? Only you might need some support with how they handle it if they will be, just saying so you have something planned before one has a melt down and it makes your resolve weaken.

Mycatsabastard · 12/09/2016 14:06

0800 0835 130

That's the number for child maintenance options. They are open 8 til 8 monday to friday.

Janus · 12/09/2016 14:07

Definitely keep it and if he can take this away from his own children that shows what a piece of s**t he is.
I will never forget your post. I had a missed miscarriage and 2 days later I had to go to hospital and come home later that day. I had 2 children at the time, quite young. I didn't get out of bed for days as I sobbed and wailed and my husband let me and bought me cups of tea and looked after me and the children, I couldn't imagine him doing anything else. My word, you deserve so much more.

HuskyLover1 · 12/09/2016 14:08

Rey he did, I went in at 8am alone, delivered at 1:30, was home by 5pm and did bedtimes and nightfeeds that night as normal

This has to be one of the saddest things I've ever read on MN. It's so abhorrent that I feel tearful.

He is a fucking pig. Even my ExH would not have done that.

Crikey, my DH took a day off work last week, because I had a really sore foot. He walked all the doggies for me and looked after me. For a foot!

I don't think you're going to miss him, he's hardly ever home anyway.

Keep strong. x