He hasn't come home

[NoCapes]

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

I was wobble central for months. I had a major wobble a year in and had him back. Biggest mistake of my life. Another year of unhappy pointless relationship before the final break with no wobbles. I wish I hadn't wasted that year giving it another go.

But, it's not a nasty domestic abuser like some women post about on here. You must make your decisions based on your real life self. Not based on what a bunch of people you don't know on an internet forum are telling you to do.

Do you want the relationship to end?

The reality is, he won't change long term. He'll probably hold it together for a month or two but long term he is who he is, and a decent father and partner would not have behaved that way in the first place.

If you decide the relationship is over then stop communicating with him. But please get some real life involvement here. This is more major than a discussion forum.

Could you make a plan for the rest of this week and the weekend that stops you sitting and thinking? Just trying to think what will keep the wobble at bay. Say Monday- park, Tues- family etc. And one day maybe that mum friend who you could have a glass of wine with when the kids are in bed. I liked the suggestion up thread of rearranging furniture to make it different, reorganising focuses my mind but then I'm strange like that.

Great anti-wobble medicine is on this very fred. When he came home, smirked, and told the children he'll take them [somewhere] "if mummy cheers up"*, he waived all right to be called a human being. Keep that top-of-mind: he's willing to manipulate your children if you don't paste on a smile and accept his twattiness. You and your children deserve batter!

• And he didn't even make good on that promise. The fucker.

Go NOCAPES Go!!! Waves poms poms
So so so proud of you.
I had one of these...and was left holding the baby. - literally - he was 10 days old.

It's the best thing I ever ever did.
My kids are 15 and 18 now. Strong independent and fabulous - both of them.
They both think that their dad is a lazy good for nothing tosspot.

Was it hard. Yep - of course it was at times. But still easier than being with a wanker.
I loved the lack of resentment I felt about having to do everything.
( I remember doing stuff for the kids with this constant overwhelming resentment that he was out/lying in bed/playing on his PlayStation - and just feeling resentful he never fecking pulled his weight)

My kids are all down to me. I raised them, I turned them into awesome young adults and I have never ever looked back.

I know how hard today is. I really really do. But tomorrow will feel slightly easier. Please please please stand firm. He is never ever going to change.

Sending you strength OP! You can do this.

xxxx

I'm in awe of you.

He didn't know you were unhappy? What kind of man goes out a few days after his partner's miscarried leaving her with a 10 month old and 2 other kids

I'm sorry for your loss, did he still leave night wakings and everything to you after it happened?

Your life will be great without him, look how strong you're being, I bet you love that feeling, keep it, you're so strong!

One more bingo to be mindful of... He may start referring to your mental state post miscarriage in an attempt to make you question and think twice. Ignore ignore ignore.

Ignore any threats of social services (invite them in for a cuppa) or that he will go for full custody etc. He won't and he's to selfish to want to anyway.

Keep strong
I wish I could pop round for a 🍷 With yiu

When you feel a wobble coming on, think of how you so recently lost your baby yet he couldn't even give you or the children some of his precious time - practically or emotionally. He checked out of your relationship a long time ago, time for you to detach too.

Rey he did, I went in at 8am alone, delivered at 1:30, was home by 5pm and did bedtimes and nightfeeds that night as normal

I've stopped replying, he's getting annoyed now as the texts are getting sweary

I'm going to get my Mum to follow me down to his mums with the car later and bring me home

I'm just going through the washing now, he can have all his dirty underwear back

he can have all his dirty underwear back

That the spirit!

You are doing brilliantly NoCapes
I don't have anything to add to the great advice from pp, other than adopt the mantra:
'Seen it, heard it, save it'

you know at some point you can just block him on your phone - at least for a while to get some space.

Ooh mix his dirty gruds with the clean stuff too 👍🏻

NoCapes glad you have your mum on board. I've been following and felt the need to show my support. Having been through this when DD was a baby (now 18 years old) I know this is hard so I'm sending you positive thoughts and strength. And I also know you are doing the right thing! After a few years of concentrating on DD and building up self esteem I found a lovely partner who respects me and makes me feel good, not bad; You will have that too one day , because what you are doing now is a massive show of self respect. Awesome. Lots of love xx

oh nocapes that lat upate really upset me

you are a good wonderful strong person and mother

i have much repsect for you

When you're having a wobble in the evenings when kids are in bed and you have time to think, get yourself a big tub of ice cream/big glass of wine/mug of coffee/whatever your go to is... Sit on your sofa look around and think "this is all mine, only mine" make it super cozy and put whatever the fuck you like on the telly (tv show/boxset/film) preferably something you love that he absolutely hates and just wallow in your freedom

Also turn your phone off with the smug knowledge that you don't have to give a toss where he is or what he's doing

I have to say, I've followed this thread from the very beginning, and NoCapes I am in absolute awe of you.

You are so incredibly strong, and I doff my cap. Your children are so lucky to have such a strong woman as their mother to set them such an example.

And I am so sorry for what you've been through you are so strong I would have been a complete wreck and probably been arrested for murdering DP if he did that to me

OK
He didn't know you were unhappy? O REALLY ? Like you have never said anything before? his behaviour, his absence, his zero input, strippers, NEVER getting up in the night? make up on his clothes, whatever....
All this wasn't going to make you happy, why is that ?
He is not a child, You do not have to spell it out.
He knows what he has/hasn't done that really is the only thing you need to say.
So if he can change, Bring it on, he can take some days off, pay for you to go on a break, (to sleep) & take care of the 3 DC alone over that time... Then he can go & live with his mother, & court you, & prove to you how he can change.Then & only then you might consider a reconcilliation.

Go girl

No capes if I wasn't knocked up I'd open the champagne. Well done! you are a superstar, a pillar of strength, an amazing mother, a warrior and best of all a role model for your children. If they are anything like you they have a bright future. At this moment in time with the asshat in your past ANYTHING is possible.

He still hasn't actually stood in front of you & spoken to you. All this texting is for children, (incandescent for you)

Nocapes

You went a bit quiet and I thought.. "Oh no she has had a major wobble and has caved in"

But no.. I punched the air when I read that you have started to ignore him and also you are going through the dirty washing basket to give him his dirty clothes back and all!!!

Way to go girl!!

NoCapes I am so pleased you have stayed around and taken on board all the advice on here. You are going from strength to strength and are absolutely doing the right thing for you and your children. You are incredible - don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.