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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He hasn't come home

999 replies

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 07:27

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
FlumptyDumpty · 12/09/2016 10:56

Thinking I might lose you has made me realise how much you mean to me. I've been a fool.

MrsJusticeCunt · 12/09/2016 10:58

Icy calm & ignore

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/09/2016 10:59

Abuse isn't always sexual or physical

It can also be mental or emotional

The way he treats you comes under that imo

GiddyOnZackHunt · 12/09/2016 11:01

Delurking to urge you on. Well done for sticking with the thread when it got sticky and well done for starting the road to a better future for you and the dc.

Desmondo2016 · 12/09/2016 11:01

Oh he's SOOOOO unoriginal.

It's really important you don't reply. That will suggest to him that this is open for debate. You have said your bit and made your decision. I would even go as far as asking him to stop contacting you and telling him you'll contact him in a few days / week to discuss child contact. Be prepared he may turn nasty / angry as one of his phases. You're doing great.

theansweris42 · 12/09/2016 11:06

I only went out because things were bad at home/you weren't nice to me.
This is your fault.

LMGTFY · 12/09/2016 11:16

Hey, I'm just adding my cheering pom poms here for you. My dad went out every night of the week. He never did anything with us and if he had to then he had an arse on till he could rush home to the pub. My mum didn't leave till db and I were adults. As it is db doesn't seem to have any idea how to be a man and is fucking up his life. Cheering you on now as you get a life for you and your kids, it's gonna be great, don't collapse when the adrenaline drops, even if you get "I might as well just kill myself now" (oh yes, the arse succeeded with this blackmail a couple of times). Brew to keep you going today, you're doing amazing.

Original poster
NoCapes · 12/09/2016 11:22

He keeps telling me I'm over reacting/he didn't know I was unhappy/if I talk to him he can change
This is how he gets me every time, I say ok change this this & this and he does for about a month and then we start all over again
I know this, yet I'm here wobbling over it already

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 12/09/2016 11:29

You know he is incapable of sticking with it, he has proven that.

Just reply with 'been there, done that' type response.

Clutterbugsmum · 12/09/2016 11:29

Tell him the time for talking is over. His words mean nothing as his actions show you exactly what he believes you are to him.

Tell him his belongings will be ready to collect at Xpm time tonight is not then you will take them to his mothers tomorrow.

Then tell him not to contact you again. You will contact when you are ready and not before.

You have taken control of the situation and he doesn't like it. He will say anything he can to get the control back.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 12/09/2016 11:30

You told him many times. He thinks so little of you that he doesn't actually think you will carry through, that he can give you a token effort and then you'll stop whining.
He knows. He just doesn't really care.

VelvetThunder · 12/09/2016 11:31

Don't let him get to you. He hasn't changed yet, so what's different this time?! You know he won't change, so continue as you are and let you and your children be happy. You are doing a brilliant job! We are all cheering you on. You know this is the best thing to do. Of course it's hard, but it'll get easier. Don't turn back now Smile
You're so strong, don't let him win and continue being the twat he is and taking you for granted.

Janus · 12/09/2016 11:31

Pathetic excuses, as friendofbill said

Love is an action.

Words are cheap.

I've not heard that before but when you think about it, it's absolutely true. What actions has he done to prove his love? Help with the children? Done some night feeds? Taken you out? Decided going out 4-5 times a week is a total joke? NO. He's kept himself happy and has done nothing to make you happy and then has the cheek to think he can maybe not go out every Saturday, all problems solved!!

Is there anywhere you can get to with the car and his stuff and get home ok? You do not want him on your doorstep as you will have to answer the door to give him the car keys, big drama will then kick off. How close is his mum? You don't have to see her, just park car and put key through the door. Can you get home ok? Please try and think of something as I'd worry about you having to face him on the doorstep.

BeMorePanda · 12/09/2016 11:38

I'm over reacting - you aren't, if anything you have been under reacting for a very long time.

he didn't know I was unhappy - well he did I am sure as you've been here many times before. And if he was at home for any length of time he would know a lot more about you and how you are feeling.

if I talk to him he can change ah so its YOUR responsibility to change him. Yes that will go down well won;t it. Anyways you have been talking to him for years and look where you are.

NoCape he knows you've folded before and he is piling on the pressure. All this is his desperate attempt to get you to fold again. Nothing has changed. He's just desperately trying to avoid losing his cushy life at your expense.

Detach.
Focus.
You are doing great and life is about to get MUCH MUCH BETTER!

theansweris42 · 12/09/2016 11:38

he is lying to you. I understand you want it all to go away. But he's lying and he will not even try to change.
KOKO Flowers and a big Brew

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 12/09/2016 11:39

I don't like the idea of you reading all these and them getting you down.

Well said, BuzzardBird. And I wouldn't have suggested it if NoCapes hadn't shown such a brilliant spark of badass.

We're having [morbid] fun with the bingo, of course, but it's main purpose is to keep NoCapes strong and conscious that the script is all bullshit.

Oh, and, NoCapes, I also didn't intend that you need to engage with STBX (we can call him that now, please? Smile ). Quite the opposite. You've said what you need to. If he still doesn't geddit, not your problem. You don't need his permission to do feck all anymore.

Missymoomoo1979 · 12/09/2016 11:41

Don't fall for it Nocape.
He knows full well you weren't happy with any of it but carried on, if he thought anything of you he would have done something about it a long time ago wouldn't he?
You can do this.

WeDoNotSow · 12/09/2016 11:41

NoCapes You are amazing! It takes so much guts and courage to do what you're doing, even though you probably feel like it's the opposite!

You are going to wobble, it's completely normal!

What you have to do is come up with a strategy that helps you deal with it when it happens, like writing down all the shitty things he does, how they make you feel and sit and think do you want to fee like that in 5 years time.

Or listen to an empowering song over and over again (Free by Destinys Child, I will survive by Gloria Gaynor, The Greatest Love of all by Whitney Houston) anything to keep you in the right mindset.

Any other ideas of what to do when the wobble kicks in MNers?

Do not feel bad for having a wobble whatever you do, just think of it logically, as something that has to happen and has to be got through, in order for you to make it through to the other side.

You have your whole life ahead of you, you really do.
Flowers

Larrytheleprechaun · 12/09/2016 11:45

NoCapes you are awsome. Stronger than you even know and the perfect role model to your children. I have nothing more to say except keep going, you are doing so well.

Buttonmoonb4tea · 12/09/2016 11:46

capes I've read all your posts on this thread. From yesterday to today you have shown so much strength. Keep it up and don't let the wobble take over. He will not change, no matter how many chances. I've been there. And in the end I just had to say goodbye!! He's still a prize twat, spends his days in the pub fraternising with various women. See he didn't change, and would never have changed if I'd of stayed.

this man isn't loving, respecting or honouring you in anyway. Keep on with the hard work. Don't listen to his shit reasons for his actions. Enough is enough. You're young, there's so much out there for you. Show you're children that you are a strong woman and trust me, that will be one of the best things to inspire them as they grow Flowers

GabsAlot · 12/09/2016 11:47

ncapes dont even reply to him anymore

let him stew an pick up his stuff as arranged

engaging with him just gives him an excuse to badger u

Squeegle · 12/09/2016 11:48

Keep strong.
If he is going to change, he can do it out of the house. Then in six months you can see how much he has changed.

Squeegle · 12/09/2016 11:48

I agree with Gabsalot. I would wager that if you ignore home, you will soon see how much he has really changed

Squeegle · 12/09/2016 11:49

Ignore him I mean

MadeForThis · 12/09/2016 11:54

Everyone is entitled to a wobble or two. But you are strong. You don't need that loser in your life. Focus on how happy you and the kids will be.
Pack his stuff into the car and wave goodbye. He won't change.
You will find a man who will cuddle you in bed and bring you tea and toast and help with the night feeds cause he wand to be a part of it all. They exist. Frankly most men are like this. It's called being a partner.
Good luck FlowersFlowers