He hasn't come home

[NoCapes]

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

No capes change your number and tell him contact re children can be through a trusted third party who you name or a solicitor. Tell him you will nkt respond to anything except LEGIIMATE contact re the children. You're doing amazing X well done x

dobby yes he's slept on the couch for months now, because the baby was waking him up too much, yes seriously!

You are destroying your children's lives
You wanted all these children
I work all week to pay for everything
You pay me no attention
You are mad, mental, nuts, insane
You need to see a psy,
You are unsafe, I will fight for custody

You are doing fantastically!

When they are older I will persuade them to leave you and come and live with me

I though the same. I came home early one night after yet another fight with the abuser. My flatmate had people for dinner so I went to my room. I remember her coming into my room the next morning and she said to me. "I might have to move out, I find it every hard to watch you diminishing and disappearing before my eyes". "It depresses me to watch this scenario and I wonder what will become of you. He can't change but you already have". She went to work then and I let those words rattle around in my head. She didn't raise her voice or cry or get mad but it was a massive wake up call. She did stay and helped me through it all. She took my phone from me. Dealt with him at the door, on the landline and even took calls from his mother. Years later he has a couple of kids and the poor unfortunate cow is a shadow of her former self and I hear a heavy drinker.

Me and the abuser have a mutual friend that I see in passing. She limits what's she tells me about the abuser but tells me that my DH is another species and jokes that she finds it hard to look in his eyes without blushing ( he is handsome).

Looking on another bright side, if he arranges proper contact with his DCs he'll start seeing more of the than he's ever done. Unless he gets a babysitter and carries on as normal

Keep strong Capes

Popping in to let you know I'm rooting for you too NoCapes.
You are doing brilliantly - keep going!!!

adding "If you do this now I'll never come back" - once the penny starts to drop with him that you are actually going through with this, and he gets increasingly desperate.

When they are older I will tell them the truth about you

might sound patronising but really proud of u u sound so different to the start of this

abuse comes in different forms nocapes-staying out all night making u worry belittiing u about it is all abuse-u dont need to be hit for it to be abuse

anyway moving on give him his car keys and say bye dont respond to anymoer texts for a while say you'll be in contact about the kids

if he arranges proper contact with his DCs he'll start seeing more of the than he's ever done.

Yes and also NoCapes will get some proper full nights sleep. Very restorative.

I have just read this post and couldn't just leave!

You seem like a genuinely amazing woman and what an absolute idiot your OH is to of treated you and your children the way he has I can't believe what I have been reading. For his own children to not even ask about him or know that he's in the house even when he is just shows how much their dad does for them.
Thank god they have such a caring mum!
You are being so strong and brave and at this minute in time I am idolising the fact that you are walking away and have the confidence to do so (I only wish I did)
I'm really only commenting to show my support and so that I don't have to find the post every time I want to check for an update!

I wish you and your children the very best in life and a happier future safe to say you all definitely deserve it

Stay strong. Have u got a garage u cud put his stuff in, to stop him from getting back in the house ? Have u got somewhere else u cud stay tonight so ur not at th house when he finishes work? Or someone who could stay with u tonight?
If not draw the curtains and stick a film on for th kiddies (loud) and have sum music on else where in the house ! I,wouldn't even engage with him in anyway.
You are doing brilliantly 👏

Turn ur fone off , u dnt need to listen to his tripe, when he hasn't made the effort to speak to u properly.

U know, it may be that he needs a serious shock to the system to appreciate u properly and see the error of his ways. But id give him six months of being out of the house and his behaviour being impeccable. And i bet by tht point ull feel so bad and strong u wdnt even consider it anyway !
Stand firm, once today is over ull feel so much better X

'I won't see the children anymore'
'You will never see me again'
'I'll kill myself'

That was meant to be feel so bad ass 😁

Chuck out the trash NoCapes. Today is a new start.

Decent MEN do not -

Go out 4-5 night a week when they have 3 young children.
Roll in at 8.30am and be so totally arrogant to not even allude to an explanation of where they have been.
Patronise you for being in a "mood" about this.
Sleep all day instead of spending time with the kids or taking some of the pressure off you.
Wake up at 4.30 and ask what's for dinner!

What a wanker!

And as for telling you that he will never stop going to strip clubs, despite you telling him you don't like it - words fail me!

Where is his respect and integrity?

As you lose this clown, you will gain self- respect and this is the best thing in the world.

Keep going.

ALSO when making contact arrangements do NOT let him back in the house to see them... He will still act like he lives there and it will fuck with your head

He is just using words NoCapes, I hope you know that none of these comments are true?
I don't like the idea of you reading all these and them getting you down. Pretty sure you will hear each and every one off him in the next few days.

Keep strong, when realisation hits him and he admits that he has ruined it all himself, that will be the time you will need to be strong.

NoCapes Hoofwanking Stumblecunt is my current fave insult

Oh well done no capes! You sound so strong, I have seen some of your previous threads and massive cheering for you to get yourself to this point! Now you just have to stick with it :) and remember when he says 'splitting up the family' that he's never there anyway, when he says 'he loves you and the kids' he's had 8 years to show it, etc etc.

Keep going OP.

The secret stash of spare clothes doesnt look good.

He could have spent all his evenings with you & the children, but wanted to spend them elsewhere. It was his choice.

Now to look forward

And mine!

You are amazing. I was you 5 years ago. I had wobbles over the few months that followed, realising just how awful it had been and how much he controlled my life.
MN supported me and I'm so much happier than I was. My children are happy.

Just a quick bingo update we've now had -
You're over reacting (again)
We need to talk about it
I'll stop going out ever Saturday (ha!)
&
I'm not just seeing my kids on a weekend (well it's more than you see him now!!)

Babies up now, I'm cracking on!

I can change?
We can get through this?
I'll get help if that's what it takes?
We can get married/renew our vows?