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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He hasn't come home

999 replies

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 07:27

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Costacoffeeplease · 11/09/2016 19:42

Of course it is - do you want to still be doing this in 5 years? 10? Once the kids have grown up and it's just you and him?

Starla268 · 11/09/2016 19:43

Just read the whole thread and wanted to say bloody well done! You've done something incredible today and it sounds like this could be the start of the rest of your life. Cheering you on from the sidelines over here! xx

swampytiggaa · 11/09/2016 19:44

Oh well done! Stay strong x thinking of you c

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 11/09/2016 19:45

so glad you have taken some action and made him think....it will be wonderful to have your life back I am sure.

Original poster

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 19:45

God I've never thought like that, they'll all grow up and leave me and then what?
No I absolutely don't want to be doing this then, when I feel too old to start over
No absolutely not

OP posts:

Janus · 11/09/2016 19:48

Nocapes, because you are and will be a wonderful mum they will all come back with their kids to visit you! Will be much easier to do that when you are the strong woman you are today rather than worrying about what the grandchildren will be thinking of their grandfather.

Desmondo2016 · 11/09/2016 19:51

Another one rooting in No Capes corner... you rock. What strength of character you have shown today.

Is he sticking to the script? Which phase is he on now? Remember, you've said what you need to say. You don't need to keep repeating it or answer his questions. What I would say is make sure you have the bank cards in your posession. He may be playing Mr nice guy right now, but prepare yourself that it WILL get unpleasant before it gets better.

helenatroy · 11/09/2016 19:54

You'll meet someone who deserves you. Let's face it a rabbid dog would be better company and a better life partner that the muppet that is currently hanging about.

ayeokthen · 11/09/2016 19:54

You can do this NoCapes, you can because you are worth more! Any time you feel like you're having a wobble, pop on here, we're all here for you. It IS for the best! Deep breaths, you can do this. You've done the hardest part already, just got to stick to your guns.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 11/09/2016 19:54

Keep it going. When he's gone it might feel all a bit 'empty'. But it won't be empty because he's not there (he hardly was there anyway). It will feel like that because your not waiting for him to come home. Or wondering where he is, or who he's with, or how you can get him to change ( they never change). You will fill that empty feeling with friends, more emotional focus on your children, plans for the future.

Original poster

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 19:55

Desmond he's currently on 'Mr Perfect' - he's washed the pots, washed bottles played with the kids (he never plays!) is talking to them in a lovely tone of voice (he's usually snappy and shouty) and is currently bathing them
This is standard, he'll do all of the things so he can list the things he 'does' (once!) for us

I'm refusing to talk to him
He's asked me if he's a thread on here yet, I had to walk away because I wanted to laugh

OP posts:

tiredvommachine · 11/09/2016 19:56

NoCapes you can call the police to have him removed as your name is on the rent book only and it's in your control.

It doesn't have to descend into violence or a blazing argument for you to use this option, you say you've asked him to leave and he's refused, you're scared there will be a breach of the peace if he stays.

Don't put up with it!

Original poster

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 19:57

Feck that's usually when I cave, when that quiet emptiness kicks in
That's when I'll need to come on here and be shouted at

OP posts:

Original poster

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 20:00

tired I don't want to piss him off tbh, he can be very bitter and cruel, and wouldn't think twice of doing things like withholding money, badmouthing me or airing our dirty laundry to anyone that'll listen
I don't want to give him any ammo
He can sleep on my couch one more time it's fine, I plan on going to bed with the baby soon and then I can take my time packing tomorrow and make sure I've got every single thing out

OP posts:

Whooptydoo1 · 11/09/2016 20:02

Just wanted to say you are amazing OP, you ARE strong enough to leave this pathetic waste of space, you deserve so, so much more. From your posts you sound intelligent, articulate and funny, and are obviously a lovely mummy to your kids, you do not need him, he is nothing other than a thorn in your side, the way he is behaving at the moment is not who he really is, or who he will be tomorrow, stay strong and get him the fuck out of YOUR house, I'd be willing to bet you've got a lot more friends than your damaged self esteem is letting you realise, you are a fucking superstar!!! Xx

helenatroy · 11/09/2016 20:02

Imagine he is a rat that is getting in your cupboards, infesting your house and endangering all who live there. He's a pest, get him out and keep him out.

RandomMess · 11/09/2016 20:02

When he lists those things he's done today you can add "yes and I you can do all those things in your own home too"

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 11/09/2016 20:03

I'm SO rooting for you right now - well done NoCapes!

FeckTheMagicDragon · 11/09/2016 20:04

It takes a bit of staying power getting past that bit. For me it was 6-8 weeks. The only time I got out was when I got past the 6 weeks. It's like a grieving process - but a few weeks compared to the rest of your life is nothing.

toptoe · 11/09/2016 20:05

Protect your passwords - make sure he can't log on to your private email/banking/mumsnet accounts etc.

Being a mum is the hardest job, training as a beautician will be a walk in the park for you compared to looking after all the kids and your h alone for all those years.

Chocolate123 · 11/09/2016 20:05

Well done stay strong he thinks you will give in but don't cause if you do he will do it again and again.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 11/09/2016 20:06

Oh and if you think he's going to spy on you here you can get the thread moved.

HappyJanuary · 11/09/2016 20:10

Just seen your updates op, really rooting for you.

Original poster

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 20:14

I don't think he cares enough to try to find me on here
He'd never guess my user name either

OP posts:

DivorceBadger · 11/09/2016 20:15

Is it ok for someone to fondle a stripped and not a woman from the pub? Why? Is it because deep down you know the stripped didn't actually want to be fondled? So coercing a woman in to sexual contact for money = fine

Doing it for fun = bad

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