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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He hasn't come home

999 replies

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 07:27

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Buzzardbird · 11/09/2016 17:41

Nocapes, so sad to see you are still being treated this way. It does look as though you have finally had enough of him now though.

Don't back down, be good to yourself for once.

He is neither of use nor article to you and your children.

HappyJanuary · 11/09/2016 17:42

You're doing brilliantly op, keep up the momentum and don't look back.

Now he's full of self pity at the thought of what he stands to lose, pity he didn't think about that sooner.

Personally I would put his stuff in bags and phone his mum to come and get them, and him. You only need to tell her that he was out all night again and that you need him to leave with minimal disruption to DC.

Failing that, lock change when he's out.

ayeokthen · 11/09/2016 17:43

NoCapes you're amazing! Your kids have their rock, you, their Mum. You're a solid wee unit and together you can take on the world, I'm so happy you're getting him out. You, and they, deserve so much more than him!

Original poster
NoCapes · 11/09/2016 17:44

Ok he's said (in person!) that he's not leaving tonight, I told him his stuff won't be here tomorrow then
He reckons I 'owe him' at least a chat tonight
I told him I owe him nothing and how dare he try to play the victim!

He's played today totally wrong really, if he'd have quietly gone or done the I love you shit I'd have probably wobbled, but his utter defiance and lying in my bed until 5pm while I'm downstairs with the kids has just fucked me right off and now I'm just annoyed

He's just following me round the house now like a lost puppy
That's pissing me off too

...I think you all helped me find my anger!

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 11/09/2016 17:47

Good on you! You owe him fuck all, he owes you more than he could ever comprehend. He's probably realised now that he's literally ruined his own life. Oh well, at least he won't be ruining yours anymore. You and your kids are what matters, he's history now.

Buzzardbird · 11/09/2016 17:49

He showed how much he cared about his family when he;

a) regulary stayed out more than he stayed home.

b) just expected you all to let him off his appalling behaviour

c) did nothing to change it after the first time he did it.

The ship has long since sailed for you to 'owe him' anything.

LozzaChops · 11/09/2016 17:51

This thread has been like watching a chrysalis opening up! You're brilliant, you deserve the freedom and happiness that's coming to you.

skyyequake · 11/09/2016 17:51

If there's one thing MN is good at it's producing anger at taking-the-piss-types Grin

I'm glad you're sorting things out OP you will honestly feel so free

I keep seeing young mums (under 30 usually) saying they have no/few friends I feel like we should all have a meet-up somewhere but we're probably scattered all over the country Grin

But if you do need help wrapping your head around benefits then go see the CAB

Plus you will be entitled to Income Support and because you have a child under 1 they will give you an appointment at your jobcentre where you can discuss what support you need and you can ask for any help you need with looking for a job

FlumptyDumpty · 11/09/2016 17:52

Stay strong.

Don't back down. You really don't want to be trapped in a nightmarish Groundhog Day any longer, do you?

I was AMAZED when you said earlier on the thread that you have no qualifications. Your posts show you are very intelligent and articulate. I assumed you were somebody with a high level of education. You have a bright future ahead of you if you can divest yourself of this deadweight man-child.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 11/09/2016 17:53

Well done OP - now cancel your card and change the pin - report it stolen if he still has it. You may want to contact the police on their none emergency number, but that's only for advice. He is still showing you 0 respect. Completely entitled arse. He believes you are just having a bit of a childish strop and you'll get over it in s bit. Your home, he's never there anyway, as soon as he goes out see if you can get the latest cod changed.

In the meantime be a broken record and do not rise to any baiting. Don't tell him you love him - that's just giving him ammunition. I got the same. Eventually I told him I didn't love him, I lived the man I thought he was. The real man was a lie and a con.

blueskyinmarch · 11/09/2016 17:54

Well done OP. Keep this anger burning and it will allow you to follow through with your plans.
I am so angry that he has lain in bed all day and offered you no explanation whatsoever as to where he was all night. Then he is acting all hurt. He is boiling my piss.

LIZS · 11/09/2016 17:54

Who do you rent from? Can you arrange to change the locks when he is at work tomorrow?

Hotwaterbottle1 · 11/09/2016 17:57

Nothing to add other than you are amazing, well done x

parlezvousfrancais · 11/09/2016 18:03

Wow. I am in awe of you OP.

You deserve so much better. Do not back down!!

smartiecake · 11/09/2016 18:03

You are amazing OP, keep channelling that anger it will help to get you through him moving out. Give him a deadline to be out by or else it will all be in bin bags. Well done you are doing brilliantly. Get him out and then you can have some headspace.

TippiNoodlegruder · 11/09/2016 18:10

You are doing SO WELL Capes Flowers Keep that resolve up!

loveyoutothemoon · 11/09/2016 18:19

Well done, really well done!

Please keep your self respect and leave this prick. Everything will be fine. There are so many of us here that have gone through this. You'll come out of this so much better off x

Janus · 11/09/2016 18:19

You are fantastic! I don't know you obviously but I'm 100% sure you are doing the right thing and he must be scared shitless that you are doing what be assumed you never would! Oh how he just assumed you'd take it all and just keep the door open for him. He must be terrified! He never had a back up plan because he never thought he needed one! You go, but PLEASE change the locks tomorrow else you won't be able to relax. You will probably have to tell the children not to let Dad in too as he will probably try that one. You must just say to them that you all deserve better than a dad who does not behave how a dad and husband should do. I wish you so much luck and stay strong.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 11/09/2016 18:20

Good for you NoCapes. Keep that anger, remember all the let downs. Stick to your guns, this could be the start of your life.

Cary2012 · 11/09/2016 18:23

Well done OP, proud of you. As you rent from a family member get them to change the locks asap x

nothruroad · 11/09/2016 18:28

Well done nocapes! You have done brilliantly today, stay strong!

SanityClause · 11/09/2016 18:30

Well done Capes.

Here's an idea for people to practice your therapies on.

Spread the word at school around parents and careers, and hand out fliers, if needed. Do it for free, or for a small contribution to products, if you need to.

I'm sure people would jump at the chance.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 11/09/2016 18:30

One other thing to keep in mind. If he's all upset and puppy dog eyes - is he upset because, ya' know, his actions are having consequences for him? Or is he upset because he's mistreated and hurt you?

confusedandemployed · 11/09/2016 18:32

Ahh well done No Capes ! Stay strong, you're doing amazingly.

Doublemint · 11/09/2016 18:37

This is so awesome nocapes stay strong.
Totally agree with changing the pin or requesting a new card as the other has been stolen too.

Start packing up hai stuff when the kids are in bed. Scoop it up, dump it into black bags. I'm sure he'll get the message.