DD refusing to speak to her dad and doesn't want him to live with us

[energysaving]

DH and I have been split for a while but we having recently been working things out and talking about him possibly moving back home in the not too distant future. DD refuses to speak to him other than a grunt due to his very poor behaviour towards me and DCs during the period of separation. She does not want him to move back in. She's very much like her dad. Very strong minded and stubborn. DH has tried to talk to her but he is now not speaking to her much as she refuses to answer him. He's hoping that she'll come round. Any thoughts on how to handle this before it gets even more out of hand? DD is 12.

My dad left my mum and treated her badly too - I was an adult and not living at home and I know how badly it affected me - not helped by the fact that he prioritised his new life and pretty much ignored me.

It took us 10 years to rebuild our relationship to the point that we can actually meet for the afternoon and talk reasonably naturally.

The problem wasn;t the hurt or my being "like my Dad" and somehow super stuborn or however you described it but that I saw him through new eyes.

He wasn't the man I thought he was, I questioned everything he's ever taught me about doing the right thing, sticking with your family, family comes first etc.

I had counselling in the end and the therapist asked me what result I wanted. It took me a long time to decide what I wanted and eventually I said.

I want the father I deserve not the one I've got - and I was in my 30's and could accept at least in theory that some people are fallible and weak. I can;t imagine how hard it must be for a 12 year old to process her fathers very public flaws.

I haven't in all honesty forgiven my father for not being the man he pretended to be growing up - I feel like I was sold a pup and I suspect your DD feels the same. And he never really did make much effort to rebuild things with me, it was all up to me in the end and I can't ever forget that either.

I don't have any good advice - if he really is a decent man he will persevere with the slow legwork needed to be put in to rebuild his image in her eyes. And if he isn't a decent man he will huff about not letting her win and not make the effort because she isn;t responding and she will never forgive him.

BubblingUp Sat 10-Sep-16 16:50:17

I was a couple of years older than your DD when this happen to my parents. What my mother didn't know was my Dad was telling me things he shouldn't, pleading his own case of why he just HAD to cheat and just couldn't help it (using the typical bullshit lies men tell the OW on why they need to park their dicks in them).

I wonder if your 12-year-old has more to her story? Was your husband confiding in her at any point?

This is actually a good point, OP.

And it may not just be what he's been saying (about you? blaming you?), but what she may have seen or overheard.

I find your posts confusing...

Talking about him possibly moving back home in the not too distant future

then in a later post you say you have not forgotten or forgive...Why are you considering him moving back. Why are you even discussing it....If you haven't forgiven or forgotten then then why should your DD have..

I think the best thing you can do for your DD is tell DH he needs to sort it out..

I was also a child in this situation - my father treated my mum appallingly; affairs, financial and emotional abuse - took her to the brink of suicide. I have NEVER forgiven my father for it, and for leaving the fallout to us dc. And I was 22 at the time!

I have seen him once since that dark time, in 32 years. And I regret that!

Please listen to your dd. She is so young, and needs you to support her, as she did you. If my mum had then taken my dad back after that, I would never have forgiven her either.

Meant to say - I regret seeing him, not that I regret not seeing him!

Wouldn't let her dictate whether he returns.
She will have to deal with it

Your situation is similar to mine. My DD has not spoken to her father properly for months. We are now separating. The reason she decided not to have him in her life was becuase she felt he was "toxic" to her. She actually said that. She is right in many ways.
At the tender age of 14 she recognised his need to control, his inability to back down or apologise and his narcissism. All of which was damaging her and me.
The only thing she wants from him is a full understanding and apology for his behaviour. he cannot or will not see that it is his job to put it right. He says it is typical teenage behaviour and she will grow out of it as long as he just keeps on being normal with her.
That is yet another way that he underestimates and belittles her. he cannot beleive that she is as strong as she is and she senses that lack of respect coming from him.
She is doing what feel natural to her in order to protect herself from him.

if you are sure that your husband has changed and is going to be a fully engaged ad protective father then he needs to understand that he has to accept her feelings and show how he is putting things right for all family members.

My have promised my H and my DD that I will be there to facilitate their relationship after I move out. I will ensure the opportunities exist for them to spend time together - but I realise I can't force the issue. if she wants to protect herself for now, then that's her choice. I am simply keeping the lines of communication as open as I can.

The rest is up to him.But I don't hold out much hope.

Similar here to DS and his dad.
He didn't cheat, we separated through DV that DS witnessed at some point. He has also been unreliable to him, although it improved massively after the first year, and emotionally tiring (not to say abusive) when contact happens. He is a source of stress for DS, not what a parent should be.

The only thing she wants from him is a full understanding and apology for his behaviour.

This resonates with me. DS has a big problem with his dad in that he keeps denying and minimising his actions.
He also refuses to engage DS directly by email or text, or even ringing him, other than the skype calls they used to have, despite my strong suggestions. I refuse to force DS and can't be bothered to facilitate (read: strongly encourage and mediate) any more.

Of course I'm not emotionally invested in keeping a relationship with exH, so, it's not a big issue for me, other than the sadness of seeing a father-son relationship degrade to this point.

Where we live, at 12, which is soon, DS will have the right to appoint his own solicitor in parental disputes, and he is quite pleased with that.

Keep talking to your DD, listen to her reasons, be frank about your own feelings too. But, ultimately, their relationship is for them to sort. As is yours with him too, although, as others have pointed out, I'd use his reaction and actions towards your DD as a guide in relation to what kind of person he is, and what kind of husband he can be.

How was your relationship before the affair came to light?

I feel you should wait some longer before you let him move back in. A year or so. He can have contact with the other kids.

You see, your DD doesn't want him there. She's a child, she's dependent on you, and cannot just move out to avoid him. I think you have more responsibility to her than to your husband.

And it might turn out that she's right and he hasn't changed. There's only so much change that can happen in "a while".

You should acknowledge her feelings. Can she go to a boarding school to be away from the home that you want your husband to live in? This should be treated as a compromise between her inability to live alone and your wishes to have your own life, not as punishment, of course.

For a child, being financially and otherwise dependent on a bad person, is deeply damaging. She is dependent on you, and on her father, and if you force her to treat him as authority, which you do by accepting him back as her father, you thereby create a situation where she has to act against her own better judgement. That's not healthy for the brain in the long run.

Now, she seems to be very intelligent and resilient, but she's only 12. If you force her to see his behaviour towards you and the children as forgiveable and ultimately not such a big deal, this might affect her own relationships in the future.