DD refusing to speak to her dad and doesn't want him to live with us

[energysaving]

DH and I have been split for a while but we having recently been working things out and talking about him possibly moving back home in the not too distant future. DD refuses to speak to him other than a grunt due to his very poor behaviour towards me and DCs during the period of separation. She does not want him to move back in. She's very much like her dad. Very strong minded and stubborn. DH has tried to talk to her but he is now not speaking to her much as she refuses to answer him. He's hoping that she'll come round. Any thoughts on how to handle this before it gets even more out of hand? DD is 12.

[GissASquizz]

Your daughter is screaming her hurt and you and her dad want to sweep it under the carpet for your own convenience. Teach her to put up and shut up and God help her when she has relationships of her own. He's caused a lot of hurt, he needs to show remorse and give her time. If he means it, hopefully they're relationship will repair. But if you force it she'll feel you're both against her.

[RitchyBestingFace]

My money is on the OP never coming back to the thread because we haven't told her what she wants to hear.

I was once in her DD's position and I want even consulted about 'D'F coming back. It didn't work out - we had a horrible relationship and eventually he moved out again for various reasons. It left me with anxiety, mistrust, low self-esteem and paranoia. As an adult I went NC with him and a whole weight lifted off my shoulders. I haven't spoken to him for 25 years and he's never met his GC. My life is so much better without him in it.

[youarenotkiddingme]

No one is saying don't get back with her DH. They are saying stop excusing his behaviour as a mid life crisis and DD behaviour as being a stroppy brat.

He cocked up and she's smart enough to realise he needs to make proper amends and accept responsibility for his actions.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

Only two or so people here think you should let DH move back in. You asked for advice and you got a clear answer.

If you take him back you're telling your daughter two things:

1. You have no respect for her. Do you really want her to think she's not respected and valued at home just as she's about to enter her teenage years? Who is she going to turn to in order to feel valued? Friends? Boyfriends? Think about it.
   

1. You are teaching her that it's ok for a father to walk out on his family just for sex, it's ok for a man to cheat on a woman, it's ok for a man to treat his wife and children like shit if he doesn't intend to live with them. Do you want her to think this is all ok and in any way normal? Or would you prefer she reject men like this outright and never has to go through what you've been through?
   

You don't have to give up on him completely (though I would be running the other way). Why not just date for a year? What difference would it make to either if you? If he won't do this for your daughter's mental health then you really shouldn't be taking him back.

A decent father (would never be in this situation, but that aside) would never just expect his daughter to "come around". HE should want to put the brakes on until she's ready, and accept that she may never be.

DH is an utter wanker and only she can see that. How lonely do you think this is? Let him try to stop being a wanker and if that's even possible she may change her opinion (without you cajoling her).

She's a smart girl who stands up for what she believes in. These are fantastic traits. Don't take that away from her.

[FantasticButtocks]

Could you say to him that part of his coming back to live with you will need to involve him repairing things with dd first?

She's hurt and angry. He needs to do more to reassure her. He needs to stay calm about her valid reaction and reassure her that he understands why she feels this way, he needs to tell her he admires her for having such strong feelings about what he's done, for having such love and loyalty and for caring how the family works.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

Good for your DD!

She is setting her own boundaries and will not let him trample over her. Perhaps when (IF) he proves himself reliable, she will thaw towards him.

As it is, she is showing that she WILL NOT be treat like muck by anyone - and it bodes well for her in future when she will, by the law of averages, meet some right gets! Good for her.

Trust is easily lost and hard to regain - your D H is learning that the hard say.

[YawningKasm]

Good for your daughter! I wish I'd been like her but I might be projecting

[GoblinLittleOwl]

I should listen to your daughter. She doesn't want to live with him because of the way he has treated you but also her and the family, and she probably prefers life at home without him. There were undoubtedly tensions before he left and children are very sensitive and troubled by them.

He didn't just leave you , he left his family, and you all need to think hard about whether he has the right to return.

[SaggyNaggy]

This is kind of off topic but...

I hate this midlife crisis bullshit.
Why should men get a free pass to act like pricks just because they've gotten old?
He cheated, showed a complete lack of respect, love and commitment to his wife and family but he was having a midlife crisis so its OK.

Naaaaaaa fuck that..... Its not ever okay to be a cunt, certainly not just because you're now an old cunt.

Sorry, bit of a rant.

[sandragreen]

I doubt you are making this "sound worse than it is" Quite the opposite in fact.

Stop minimising your husbands behaviour.

It's a shame you don't have the same standards of behaviour your DD does isn't it? I feel really sorry for her.

[Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme]

Is there more to this than you are telling us? What was he like to live with? Why did he leave? What has she seen or heard before he left....could be a lot of valid reasons why she dosnt want him back....could she have a point????&

[pleasemothermay1]

Op I hope your sure if you take him back and split its likey you will not be speaking you you next time

Tbh it's likey she already thinks you weak

[trafalgargal]

Actions speak louder than words.
You've clearly raised a strong young woman and taught her boundaries .
Her sense of justice and need to know he won't disregard everyone else's feelings again shouldn't be ignored just because you are eager to allow him back. Your estranged husband has a bit of a cheek to assume he can waltz back in without putting things right with everyone first. Your daughter must be feeling very isolated at the moment. Is there an aunt or grandparent who can emotionally support her if you are unable to ? Unless you want your daughter to lose all respect for you both you shouldn't move him back in until he and you have rebuilt her trust in you. Teenage years are rocky enough without something like this having gone on. If you ex can't see this then he clearly doesn't really care about the damage he has done and just selfishly wants to get his feet back under the table regardless.

[WhatsMyNameNow]

Have your friends and family forgiven him?

[Whocansay]

I hope I've misunderstood, but you seem to be putting the blame on your child. Neither of you seem to care about the effect of the separation on her. Have you spoken to her about it and her feelings? I would assume she is concerned that he will leave again and does not trust him. This is really your husband's problem to fix as he is the one that's done the damage. He sounds incredibly childish in not speaking to her though. Has he even made good on his promise yet?

[PatMullins]

I'm with your DD too.
I've not spoken to my dad since I was a teenager for the way he treated me and my mum.

[ptumbi]

SO - basically;

Help, understand and support your dd in her hurt (caused by your dh)

Leave the 'moving in' for a while

Maybe do 'family things' like park, meals out, days out, meals in... and LEAVE IT for a while. A year or so.

That way the 'other dc' can see their dad, your dd may, in time, come to see him as 'dad' again, and you are still in a relationship with your dh.

(BTW what happened with his affair? Did you find out? Did he admit it? And what was the 'promise' he made, and broke, to his dd?)

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

Your minimising the effect this had on the kids, she making it very clear she was affected and needs help and time and you are all 'it was silly get over it

This ^^

Op the responses on here are overwhelming. I really hope you take heed. He sounds as if he has already given up trying with her. Why do you think he won't give up trying with you?

midlife crisis - please ! Just another excuse for men to go fuck some one else and screw their family about.

What you are actually teaching her now is how to get over your Dh fucking some one else. What a great life lesson

[hermione2016]

I suspect the affair has happened at just the worst developmental stage for you dd so please don't blame her in anyway (as the other children want him back).The impact is worse for her for a host of reasons, possibly because she was just learning to develop her sense of self so she is choosing a response.

I think you have to factor her feelings in this, talk to her solo, ask her what she needs.Dont do it with your husband as she will feel ganged up against.

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

I've a feeling the op don't be back. I think she was expecting posters to tell her how to get around her dd.

[NerrSnerr]

If he moves back in and then shags someone else or fucks up in some other way do you think she'll trust you again? I don't think that's a risk I could take.

[AgentProvocateur]

I'm with your DD too. I hate how "mid life crisis" is used as a euphemism to excuse men who shag around. Look at the message you're giving your daughter by taking him back: 1) her feelings don't matter 2) it's ok for men to leave their wives and children and have sex with other people, and the family will take him back.

Way to go to fuck up her future relationships!

[MakeMyWineADouble]

He broke your daughters trust and hurt her and is now minimising it all and getting cross saying she shouldn't get to dictate things?
I know you have said you are but are you really sure his changed and understands what his done? It doesn't sound like it to me. You need to slow down there's no rush as pp have said hold off on the moving in work together as a family to rebuild the trust and listen. She isn't wrong or the bad guy because she slower to forgive than others.

[LyndaNotLinda]

His behaviour affected all of you. You have chosen to forgive him (I'm assuming you have had long conversations and assurances to get to this place) but your DD has not yet. That is absolutely her prerogative.

I would be very wary of resuming a relationship with anyone who dismissed my child's (particularly my daughter's) legitimate feelings as 'dictating'. He is showing no respect for her boundaries and neither are you by dismissing both of their perspectives as stubbornness