DD refusing to speak to her dad and doesn't want him to live with us

[energysaving]

DH and I have been split for a while but we having recently been working things out and talking about him possibly moving back home in the not too distant future. DD refuses to speak to him other than a grunt due to his very poor behaviour towards me and DCs during the period of separation. She does not want him to move back in. She's very much like her dad. Very strong minded and stubborn. DH has tried to talk to her but he is now not speaking to her much as she refuses to answer him. He's hoping that she'll come round. Any thoughts on how to handle this before it gets even more out of hand? DD is 12.

I think you have two uncouple the two things going on here.
Your boyfriend (okay he's your husband and her father but ignore those complications) wants to move in and one of your DC is against it. I'd say don't rush to move him in. Reconsider it in a year or so. Give her time to accept the idea. It's only 6 years and she'll be leaving home. Don't you think he could wait that long?

Second is the issues she has with her father. He needs to rebuild their relationship, and it will take a long time and a lot of effort on his part. He needs to realise he is the adult so needs to take her anger and frustration, and just give back love. It will take a lot of time and effort not just words.
He has betrayed her image of him, and has betrayed someone she loves. It's no wonder she is angry with him. You could try to get her some councelling, just so she has a safe space to express her feelings.

You're in a position now where you've prioritised your feelings, your husband's and your other DCs' over one of your children. Maybe that was unavoidable, maybe not, but that's where you are. How he treated you and them regarding his affair(s?) is only part one of the issue, it sounds. I would imagine this whole situation is going to be something that stays with her. I'd expect to see less and less of her as she gets older, if he's at home.

Good girl!

Give her a high five from me.

Give the situation more time.

I echo those who have said that perhaps date, continue to live apart, let your DD see her Daddy's consistency towards your and the rest of the family. Talk is cheap. Let her see the actions. Her feelings are important. Please allow her to express them.

Your relationship between your husband and daughter will much more honest and resilient if they are able to resolve this in a way which respects her feelings.

I can't read the entire thread but I see what everyone is saying. I asked for advice on how to try and alleviate the tensions not on whether you think I should take DH back, which is yet undecided and is just being talked about. Please note:

I am proud of my daughter and understand her actions.

I have not forgiven my DH, nor will I forget.

We have talked about him moving back in. I have not agreed he should as yet.

I am concerned about the effect this will have on DD hence my apprehension and my asking for advice.

I have other DCs to consider who do want him here.

I would never force my DD to speak to him, but she has said that she's not ready to speak to him yet, which suggests she will in the future.

You are all commenting on what you think of my situation rather than for the help I actually came here for.

I am grateful for your responses but the majority are assuming things that are not the case. There are comments about my lack of respect for my DD and other comments like it. These are wholly unjustified and unkind.

You are all commenting on what you think of my situation rather than for the help I actually came here for.

You've been given excellent advice - which is:

• don't rush to move your DH back in
• understand the damage he has done to your family
• work out if he has changed for the better
• listen to your daughter
• take your time

You're choosing not to listen to it because you wanted the advice to be 'of course your husband should move back in - your daughter is being unreasonable'

^^ this

Op please try and read the full thread on the whole you have been given good advice

Most posters are commenting on how they would handle it which is the question that you posed at the end of your OP
And most are saying they would handle it by giving your DD support and time; by prioritising her feelings over your DH's need to sweep it under the carpet and move on.
If you were actually asking how you should handle it to mitigate the pressure from your DH or to try to bring forward a reconciliation between them then it's clear that most posters don't see that as the way to 'handle it'.
If you were asking how do you balance your DD's needs with the needs of your other DCs then posters have answered that question too.
I don't think posters meant to be unkind. We thought we were answering your question.

No I didn't want to hear 'move him back in'. I wanted to hear if there was anything I could do to ease tensions and how to handle things. Skimming through the posts all I keep saying is that I'm ignoring her feelings, putting my feelings before hers, disrespecting her, forcing her to talk to him, putting his feelings above hers. None of this is true and is upsetting.

When I have time later, I will read through the thread in its entirety and pick out those posts who are not judging and misinterpreting my feelings and actions.

I would suggest that the best way forward is to facilitate the two of them in rebuilding their relationship. Provide time for the two of them to do things together, involve him in something important to her, and have her see him treat you differently and make sacrifices for you.

This is something that ultimately needs to come from your husband though, I would ask him to come up with some ideas and say that you'll support him.

Family therapy may be a good idea too?

Ok, you asked for advice on how to alleviate the tensions. That is surely your husband's job. And if he cant or wont, then you shouldnt even be considering him moving back in to hour children's home.

Thank you scary, I think that that is a great idea

What the posts are saying is you can help her respecting her strong morals.

Tell her there is no excuse for her dads behaviour and you are working on forgiving him for what hurt he caused you and them and you respect she needs to work in the hurt he caused her, her siblings and you.

Tell her that DH will not be moving back in until you have repaired the hurt and set boundaries as a family.

I like the suggestion above about family days out. But your DH HAS to ignore your DD reaction to him and continue to work on proving she can trust him again. I would say he needs to tell her straight he's been a cunt and ask her what he can do you help rebuild her trust in him.

If you haven't forgiven him yet, then it's way to early to even float the idea of moving back in with him.

How can you ease the tensions? I don't know if you ever can. Your daughter saw some bad stuff. He broke her trust several times over, once by leaving her, once by leaving her mother, and again by acting badly during the separation process.

All you can do is give her time and lots of it. Be there if she wants to talk. Listen to her.

But if she's been that hurt, it probably won't ever fully heal. It might become better in time, but sometimes once you realise your admired and loved Dad is actually a poor example of a father and human being, you can't unknow that knowledge. His bad behaviour during separation might have done the worst damage.

It's difficult when your other children want him back, you're going to have to weigh up their needs v hers. But again, if you haven't forgiven him then long term the relationship will be tainted anyway.

It's your DH's responsibility to fix this. All of it.

Read today's copy of The Times weekend supplement where there is a heartbreaking selection of interviews with children who have been through family splits. Although some had positive feelings the vast majority felt unheard and scared. Hard to read for parents in this situation but could be an excellent pointer in what pitfalls to avoid.

You can't help ease tensions between your DD and your OP.

You can continue to respect the feelings of your daughter.

Your daughter is entitled to feel as she does. You are entitled to consider rebuilding your marriage.

The person who can ultimately solve this is your H. It will take a long time, he will need to show her he intends to make this work. She will need to see daily acts of kindness, consistent loving behaviour to the family he so badly let down.

He must grow up, treat her with respect and listen and acknowledge that he caused this.

It will take a long time, she may never forgive him, that's the price he may have to pay.

Hopefully, if he man's up, she may move on. She thinks you deserve better, and you probably do. But it's your decision. Nothing can be swept under the carpet, it can be improved, but you need to be certain that he will have the patience and determination to prove to her that he deserves another chance.

Are you certain that he can commit to this?

First sentence, DH not OP!

I would also suggest waiting until after you have at least started family therapy too. He needs to accept responsibility for how she is feeling and not to try to minimise it. He has betrayed all of his family by acting selfishly and not considering the impact - you need to make sure that she (along with your other DC) is at the forefront of your mind when you are considering a reconciliation.

But if she's been that hurt, it probably won't ever fully heal. It might become better in time, but sometimes once you realise your admired and loved Dad is actually a poor example of a father and human being, you can't unknow that knowledge. His bad behaviour during separation might have done the worst damage.

This unfortunately is very true.

When I have time later, I will read through the thread in its entirety and pick out those posts who are not judging and misinterpreting my feelings and actions.

So you're just going to cherry pick the very few posts who say moving him back in is a great idea? That shouldn't take long.

In your opening post you talk about DH moving back in "in the not too distant future" which is why you have got the responses you have. I agree with the posters who advise you to slow your roll with this relationship. You are possibly still in shock at what your DH did to you, your relationship, your family. You need to be sure you are not just clutching at any hope of getting back to where you were before he destroyed all that with his despicable behaviour.

For your sake as well as your DD, and as well as your other DC, slow the hell down. This should enable DD to see that you are thinking things through and not running around doing the pick me dance.

Why is DH now wanting to come back? What happened between him and OW? DId she decide she didn't want him after all? Where is he living now? Is it inconvenient for him? You need to look with dispassionate eyes at all of this, and that takes time and a lot of objectivity.

How old are your other children? I am guessing younger.

The break up, the run up to it and the aftermath will have been horrible for a 12 yo. Desperate to see you in such pain, guilt and helplessness that she could not protect you, or siblings, and losing her Mum to pain and disruption at such a fragile stage in her own life.

Her resistance may well not be stubbornness but fear. Fear that he comes back and you all go through She is not 'like her Dad': she is 12, she has been betrayed, promises broken. So why should she not have fear?

Your H has no business being off with her. He needs to tell her, and demonstrate, that he respects her feelings, and loves her unconditionally all the same. He had to earn the right to be trusted by her. His behaviour in tit for tat cold shoulder would be a very strong black mark on any chance of reconciliation , for me.

You haven't forgiven him yet. Back off any talk of him eventually moving back. It isn't helping any of you.

To diffuse tension I would tell him to act like a grown up and stop the cold shoulder.
I would stop discussion about him coming back until YOU pro actively feel it is right for EVERYONE.
I would tell your dd that she has a right to her feelings and to talk about them.

Your H cheated. He then treated you like shit and by extension your DC.

At 12 DD will be aware of a lot of what happened.

He has now broken a promise to DD and his way of dealing with the fall out is to act like a 12 year old himself and not talk to her.

So he has yet again shown her that his word towards her means SFA and that really he hasn't changed has he.

He expects her to just get over it and come around.

Why are you the one trying to ease the tension not him? Where is his trying to repair the damage he has done.

Why should she trust him when you are the one trying to sort out another mess he has made while he sits back and does nothing?

How long ago did your h move out and how recently did the affair end? Are we talking about months or years? It can take a year or two before older children adapt to a new situation. Your DD is probably still feeling very unsettled by the break up and is wanting to be protective towards you. While she loves her father she almost certainly hates him at the same time because of the hurt he caused.

OP, listen to Blu, excellent advice.

Why should you have to fix something your husband has done? It's not your job to right his wrongs.