DD refusing to speak to her dad and doesn't want him to live with us

[energysaving]

DH and I have been split for a while but we having recently been working things out and talking about him possibly moving back home in the not too distant future. DD refuses to speak to him other than a grunt due to his very poor behaviour towards me and DCs during the period of separation. She does not want him to move back in. She's very much like her dad. Very strong minded and stubborn. DH has tried to talk to her but he is now not speaking to her much as she refuses to answer him. He's hoping that she'll come round. Any thoughts on how to handle this before it gets even more out of hand? DD is 12.

Why isn't he crawling over broken glass to make it up to her/you?

He didn't just screw you over - he screwed with his kids too.

It's not your job to facilitate or fix this. It's his but it sounds like he is already giving up.

blu post is spot on

Your husband stuck his coco in someone else (midlife crisis, my arse) and treats your daughter badly and you want him back? Are you desperate?

This is your dhs problem to deal with. The fact that you feel that you should be helping him repair things with dd actually shows that the dynamics of your marriage need addressing.

Dhs fuck ups are his to deal with. Clean your own doorstep and encourage dd to do the same (she already sounds like she understands this instinctively).

Take care of yourself and dd, and stand back and let your husband potentially fail. HE is the one who needs to repair trust with dd... any help you give will just make your dd instinctively feel "look, mum's had to be the bigger person yet again, this man is fucking useless".

I suspect there are some insidious codependent patterns at work in your marriage OP. The fact that you've already recast his fuck up as a midlife crisis... and are now trying to find ways to help shield him from the full consequences of his actions.... I've been there op. It did me and my dc (and my ex dh tbh) NO good at all.

People can't learn and grow unless you step away and resist the urge to save them from the consequences of their actions. Your dh will not come out of this a better person or partner if you are sitting online trying to devise ways to "help" him get his child to forgive him... he needs to feel and accept the pain he's caused for himself and for her... there are no shortcuts.

Cock. He stuck his cock in someone else. Not his coco! That would be weird.

I agree with everything that's already been said tbh.

Your daughter needs time and I wouldn't be moving him back in until tensions have eased. You can't force it, this is between the two of them and he needs to give his DD time and talk to her about her needs at this moment.

energysaving - you wanted ideas to relieve the tension?

I was 12 when my trust in my mother shattered, I knew the damage was irreparable but my father hoped time would heal. The greatest gift he gave me was acceptance of my feelings, he never tried to engineer or encourage the outcome he would have liked.

Time proved me to be correct in my understanding that the situation was beyond resolution, it hurts my father to this day but his acceptance remains unconditional - basic social manners are the only thing he ever insisted on.

Don't try to shoehorn him into her life again, she's likely to just retreat from you as well.

Your other children need to know that the only person to blame for him not living at home is him. There is nothing that your daughter could do to make it her fault. While the others might want him home you need to make sure they know it's not your other dd's fault he's not.

Don't let her end up the families scapegoat.

any help you give will just make your dd instinctively feel "look, mum's had to be the bigger person yet again, this man is fucking useless".

I disagree. It's more likely to be "I chose you over dad, mum, and now you're hanging me out to dry".

To be clear! OP I believe that you have every right to reconcile with your DH. However, it is naive and abusive to expect your DCs to be enmeshed with your own feelings about him. They have an independent relationship with their DF; their own opinions, values and judgements, based on their own experience of him.

Family therapy will support you all to express your feelings to each other and for your DD to work out what she needs in order for her trust in both of you to be re-established.

pinkyredrose: I thought coco might be the new MN name!!

Dr Phil says about relationship breakdowns that 'the person who drives the car off the road has to do the work to get it back on'.
In this case, your DH drove the car not only off the road by cheating on you but through a wall treating your family badly and into a river by breaking his promise to your DD
I can understand why you want to help to fix this but you can't
It's your DH who has to acknowledge what he has done, come up with genuine, heartfelt solutions to each of the stages of damage and then wait with patience to see if the relationships can be restored.
Your DH's response to your DD to date has been to wave feebly from the ditch and expect her to wade through all the debris to reach him. That's not her job. Asking you to build a bridge to bring her to him, isn't a solution either. This is going to take time and effort on his part and if he can't commit to those basics then this can't be fixed.

An indication of timescales might be helpful here.

How long were things difficult between you while he was still living in the family home ? Did the problem include him being abusive towards you or any of the children ?

Does he have an addiction ?

Then how long were you separated when he continues to behave badly ? And when did things stay to change so that you are thinking of reconciliation ?

I know you don't want to go into all the details but it's hard to comment otherwise.

if his bad behaviour went on for a long time, it's only natural that your daughter needs time to get over it and accoet that he's changed .

I think your daughter needs a lot of time. That is the only way. It cannot be sped up. You cannot praise your husband to her and all that. She can only see the truth and the hurt. Your husband needs to be there for her. Closer than arms length but perhaps not in her face. I cannot imagine how your DD must be feeling. She can see the facts from the lies and it is not easy. Your husband talking to her one on one so she can tell him everyrhing that is wrong, and him listening and admitting it and promising change. And acting on changing in front of her, are all things that can help.

I was a couple of years older than your DD when this happen to my parents. What my mother didn't know was my Dad was telling me things he shouldn't, pleading his own case of why he just HAD to cheat and just couldn't help it (using the typical bullshit lies men tell the OW on why they need to park their dicks in them).

I wonder if your 12-year-old has more to her story? Was your husband confiding in her at any point? You may never know. I never told all. Mother just wanted me to forgive him since he was having this ...totally unavoidable mid-life crises (and then handed me a book to read about men's unavoidable mid life crises written by a man). She just wanted him back and the mid-life crises excuse was all she had to cling to. This was in the 1970s, by the way.

I would skip family therapy. Too risky. We went and the therapist blamed all family problems and his cheating on me because I was like your daughter - I was calling it as a I saw it - Father is a lying cheating asshole and Mother is an idiot for wanting him back. My brother was cool with it all. He was a teen, too, smoking weed every day and failing school so this whole affair and separation thing took the focus off him for once. He was totally onboard with the resulting chaos and now me being the cause of it all with my ...opinions.

So, my guess is there is more to your daughter's story. Children just don't reject parents that easily. Her dad talking to her one on one may be pointless. She already knows he is a liar. More lying isn't going to help things. She will know she is being manipulated to keep the peace and play happy family and it will do a number to her psyche if he is successful by only using words. Don't undermine her good judgment or make her 2nd guess herself. She was right in the 1st place.

It's your DH's responsibility to fix this. All of it.

It's your DH's responsibility to fix this. All of it.

It's your DH's responsibility to fix this. All of it.

Yep, with bells on. It's not yours, op.

It sounds like he needs to realise that she's not giving to forgive him on his terms, or at the same pace as you. He may have put the hard work into getting you back, but has he put an equal amount of work into earning her forgiveness? What is he doing to make up for the broken promise?

This is what happens when parents put their own needs and agendas above that of a child.

This ^^^

People say it's between the parents when infidelity happens. Guess what... it affects the kids too and they aren't always that forgiving.

Seeing you her mother treated badly has affected your DD.

Has he tried asking her if there is anything he can do to show her he's remorseful to you and to her? And that he was a selfish, inconsiderate father and husband to have the affair and then to treat you badly?

Because he needs to apologise to her, for hurting you and treating you badly.

Have you also explained to her the changes you've seen and what he's done to make you give him a second chance? So that she doesn't think you're a fool for taking him back.

I wish those who are quick to say it's nothing to do with the DCs could read this.

OP ,

Having been the child in this situation , I think you should take a step back and let her forgive at her own pace. Right now it feels good to hate him and know she's punishing him. Once things slowly get back to 'normal' or routine , she will feel secure again and the hard shell will start to soften.

In short , don't do anything besides insist she remains respectful (i.e no swearing etc) to him because he is still her father.

Your DP should plan outing with the kids and always invite her even if she always turns it out. You all do family days out and invite her.

HTH

Soon you'll find out how powerful an emotion lust can be.

This just comes over like an excuse. When get older the powers of lust can take over and make you cheat.

Not a good message IMO

I have a similar issue with my DD and her dad. She no longer feels able to have contact with him and his (often emotionally damaging) family in the location where they all live and since then has not been down to see him (months and months). Despite the fact she would really like to see him (just not at his house). She finds his daily texts stressful and prefers not to reply. She prefers not seeing him at all to having to go down to him and his family in order to have it. I have told her that I’d prefer if she’d reply to his texts but that she doesn’t have to, it’s up to her what level and format of contact she has. He also responded at one point that he ‘wasn’t going to be dictated to by a 14 yo’. I told him that contact is for the benefit of the child and as a 14 yo her wishes and feelings have significant power and forcing her to do anything will only backfire and she won’t want to see him at all. A huge part of this is my DD protecting herself from further hurt and I cannot blame her for that. It’s childish not least since it’s his fault she doesn’t want to go to his gaffe to be in a huff when she doesn't want to respond. Which brings me to my second point.

Children don’t go to these extremes for no reason, they do it for good reason. That includes your DD. If he is wanting to come back into your lives and he is already showing a lack of patience with a situation he created himself I’m really sorry to say, I’d be VERY, VERY, VERY cautious. Also when you say ‘It’s not how he directly treated them’ as though the fallout and distress they suffered isn’t so bad because of that. But it must be bad - cos your daughter doesn’t want to speak to him! Refusing to communicate with someone is a VERY powerful demonstration of just how much the person has been hurt - and how much they don't want to be hurt that way again. You need to get that message - I don't think you have yet.

Sadly in this life I’m afraid I’ve learned one thing and it’s this. Never go back. There’s a reason why it ended. Do not take this man back. Do not force your DD to communicate with him if she doesn't want to.

But mainly, tell him to do one. He sounds like a w*nker to me that your're all best off without.

Perhaps the way he deals with this particular consequence of his behaviour may influence your thoughts about whether or not to take him back. I'd be focussing more on his attitude and behaviour and how he goes about repairing things with dd. She's 12, she's taking a stand, she's wanting to be heard. His attitude that he doesn't want dd dictating things is unhelpful and not very smart. He runs the risk of cocking this up and alienating her further. He may also alienate you if he remains 'stubborn' instead of finding some humility and sorting things properly with dd. This will involve trying to understand her point of view, instead of trying to change her point of view.

OP... Did I read that your view was that your daughter could go up to her room each evening to avoid him?

If I'm not mistaken and you did post that then shame on you. You HAVE already made the decision to take him back and you just want to manage your daughter with least affect to the family. Here's a newsflash for you - your family has already been affected.

Regardless of the fact that there are other DC who want him to move back in, there is a DC who most certainly DOESN'T. You're about to foist this man on her, force her to accept his presence in the family home and for what? Because you want him back. Presumably, things have been ticking along nicely since he's been gone. What sort of father has he been? To your other DC and to your daughter? I think you know what sort of father he has been. What is HE going to do to make things up to his family and involve himself with all of his children in a positive way?

It's not about you. It really isn't. You chose to have children - they come first now. Your wants come second.

I hope you can read this thread when you've calmed down and stopped buffeting away the good advice that you've had from other posters. You will only get one chance to make good on this and your posts sound like back-tracking away from the 'very poor behaviour to you and the children'; presumably because you don't like the responses.

Know that some of us have been your daughter in this situation and have damaged relationships with our parents because of their poor and selfish choices that swept us along.

Lying. I did not post that she should go to her room whatsoever.

Ok, sorry OP, you didn't say that your daughter could just stay in her room so as not to see him, that was another poster. You've said that you've 'asked her to at least reply to him'. She doesn't want to. Why are you putting pressure on her to move more quickly than she wants to? This isn't a problem for her to fix and she doesn't have to work to your/his timetable.

What you DID say was that you were considering this in the not too distant future and that reads very much as if it's a done deal. It doesn't sound any other way and it certainly doesn't sound as if it's still up for discussion, more a question of When, not If.

x-posted with you, OP. I went back through the thread and I've just posted on that point.

I think your dd is amazing. I really hope you make 100% sure that she knows you'll back her up in expressing her completely reasonable feelings to your dh, even if you have different feelings or express them differently. Perhaps if you point this out to her she will return the favour and at least support you and your actions even though she disagrees with them.