DD refusing to speak to her dad and doesn't want him to live with us

[energysaving]

DH and I have been split for a while but we having recently been working things out and talking about him possibly moving back home in the not too distant future. DD refuses to speak to him other than a grunt due to his very poor behaviour towards me and DCs during the period of separation. She does not want him to move back in. She's very much like her dad. Very strong minded and stubborn. DH has tried to talk to her but he is now not speaking to her much as she refuses to answer him. He's hoping that she'll come round. Any thoughts on how to handle this before it gets even more out of hand? DD is 12.

Sounds like she is closest to him so the betrayal cuts deeper with her than your other DC. So the building of bridges between her and her DF will need more time and patience on his part.

I don't think it's a bad thing that your DH isn't being overly chatty and communicative with her, perhaps he thinks it's best to let things calm down rather than forcing the issue.

Give it time, see if his willingness to rebuild bridges with you is sustained and not another broken promise.

He has apologised repeatedly and he has been very loving and nice to her.

Except that now it's not working he's stopped speaking to her. I would guess she feels that he has betrayed her, as well as you, and isn't willing to forgive. He needs to take that on the chin - this is his fault.

She may also be afraid of having to go through this upheaval again. This is also a smart move - he may have another an affair or when you (as does seem to be quite common based on what I've seen on MN) come out of the state of shock at the c. 9 months mark, you may start questioning whether you really want to be with him.

I'd suggest that he lives apart for a year whilst he demonstrates that he really is repentant.

I totally agree with your daughter's reaction. She has seen your DH choose a path that effectively says a big "screw you all" to you and the DCs.

She saw her dad make selfish decisions that have devastated the world she lives in, and he knowingly did this. Why would she forgive him?

If he as in addition to this, broken a specific promise to her, then I think she is beyond reasonable that all she is doing is ignoring him rather than telling the two of you exactly what she thinks of you both.

You DHs behaviour now is asking a 12 year old, who will know and understand far more about what has gone on than either of you realise, to just shut up and forget it ever happened and treat him like the alpha male, in control of the household, all powerful dad that he thinks he is.

You DD's reaction is a reasonable, proportionate response to the situation, and one any other adult would be allowed to carry out without being told they must speak to someone who just willingly tore apart their world, and that of everyone they hold dear.

Does your DH realise it could be years, decades or never that his 12 year old daughter decides to forgive him for choosing to throw away his family for sex and a OW that clearly didn't mean much given its already ended.

I would behave like your daughter has, and then some, and I would not change because my mother asked me to. She has been terribly wronged and you are asking her to forgive and forget immediately, just because you feel you are ready to. If you force this, you risk your relationship with your daughter. At the moment at least part of her reaction will be out of protection of and loyalty to you, her mother. That is a valid feeling.

You should both have more respect for your daughter and your DH needs to give your daughter consistent solid reasons to respect him. At the moment, she has none.

So. You separated after he treated you badly...Then he behaved 'very poorly' towards you and the children during the separation...And now you want to move him back in.

Your daughter is a small island of reason in a sea of batshit.

Why aren't you listening to her?

Your DD is brilliant. What a shame you don't know it.

Your DD is awesome. Massive respect to her.

How have you raised such a self confident young lady when you dress up broken promises and affairs as a 'mid life crisis?'

LyraMortalia, why should the daughter be lectured about forgiveness when she has seen her family torn apart ? All her father has done so far is to 'be nice' to her for a while and then switch back to his previous nasty self.

^^ This. I told my mum from about aged 6 that my Dad was not a good man and she should leave him. She didn't listen to me. She wishes she had. I moved out at 16, she left him when I was 17 - too little too late

Ok. So enough with the criticism of the OP for taking him back. Mid life crises do happen and marriages can survive affairs.

However, your DD's feelings are valid, she's nearly adult and she should be allowed to deal with them in her own way. You may have forgiven your DH, but he betrayed her and your other DC too. Neither you nor your DH can expect to go back to being happily families just because you say so. HE broke the trust so IMO it's his job to keep on apologising and trying to make it right forever if necessary.

Has he actually been open and honest with her? Or are some things 'not her business'? My DD is 13. Last year she would certainly have been able to understand the emotions of a situation. "I'm sorry DD, I've been a complete arsehole and put my need for sex above everything else. Soon you'll find out how powerful an emotion lust can be. I know I've lost your trust and I deserve your contempt because it was a truly shitty thing to do. I hope one day you'll understand but in the mean time I'm going to spend every day trying to make it up to you". Presumably he's said all this stuff to you. He needs to express it to her too.

Or you may have to accept that she'll never get over it. Some things that are broken can't be fixed. In which case explain that she needs to have manners and not be rude, but yes, she may go to her room every evening to avoid him. Just as you would with a flatmate you're not keen on.

This was one of the many reasons I chose not to reconcile after X's affair. My kids made it clear they never wanted to live with him again.

Can I also say that a "midlife crisis" isn't a condition or illness, it's a word used to describe a series of selfish actions all designed to please the person doing them and with absolutely no regard for the hurt, anguish and long term damage to so called loved ones.

She shouldn't be allowed to dictate the situation I do hate it when parents trot out that line, when all is required is for them to act like an adult.

I don't know why you're taking him back tbh.

What promise did he break?

What Ledkr said on midlife crisis.

She's 12, a child who has been mistreated and made vulnerable by her parent. What's his excuse?

What LifeGot said. She's got a worse deal than you - you get to decide whether he's forgiven and allowed home where she has to have his presence thrust upon her. She must really feel that her feelings have very little value. Whatever you do don't side with him over her! If he can't accept the consequences of his actions that's his problem, not hers.

She sounds smart.

He doesn't sound like he's looking out for anyone but himself.

OP, you say that you are sure that things will be okay, issues resolved etc., yet your DH, has already stopped speaking to your daughter as much.
A sure sign, he knows his feet are back under the table.
Take a step back, and look at the bigger picture.
Your daughter is a sharp girl, already damaged by this, she is unwilling to put herself, yet again, in the firing line. She is not being difficult, she is being sensible. You may well damage your relationship with her irreparably, if you don't listen to her.
Why not wait for six months, not long considering his previous actions, and then re evaluate his moving back in. Of course, you may see his true colours come through, he may well move on, but I don't suppose that that would surprise you.
Your daughter needs your love and support, not comparing to her siblings, and their acceptance of their Father's return.

So he had a midlife crisis, poor man. Why are you using this an excuse for his actions? He's hurt you, your DC are witnesses to this and he's hurt your DD and now you think she should be replying to him? He should have always been loving towards her, I'm not surprised she's acting like this. He certainly hasn't been able to pull the wool over her eyes. Why are you taking him back?

Your daughter is amazing and at a tender age of 12, stands up for what's fair. She loves you a lot and fears you may be ill treated by your husband again. You should be proud of your daughter. Although taking back your husband is your personal decision it affects everyone in the family. Your DH has to build that rapport with your daughter first and win her heart before moving in. She seems like a loving child and may eventually be convinced but he has to put in that effort

Regardless of what went on between you and your husband he should always have been good to his children. He obviously wasn't and believe me when I say that as a child & and adult that has experienced the same from my father the betrayal of that solid rock of unconditional love that you THINK you have from your parent is the most painful thing I have ever had to endure. Your poor daughter.

It's difficult because you could say that if you can try and forgive and move on then why can't she - however, when your H had an affair he betrayed ALL of you and it's up to your DD to forgive ( or not). She isn't being stubborn, she is having a perfectly normal and I would say mature reaction to her father doing something awful to her. He has possibly destroyed their relationship for ever and you will have to accept that.
Also, by calling his behaviour a midlife crisis you are minimising it. He sound alike he's still being an arsehole - her attitude to him is a constant reminder of what he did and is stopping him from brushing it all under the carpet so he really doesn't like it.

I'm also with dd. I'm afraid your husband sounds like an arse. He betrayed your trust and hers. Why should he get to dictate the situation? He left he family home; why should he move back in whether or not he's welcomed by everyone he left behind?

I'm with dd too.

She's 12 . She'll never forgive him.. I know I wouldn't have.

If you take him back be prepared for absolute hell because you are both really letting her down.

It must be so easy when life is black and white. When there are just victims and perpetrators I must live in a parallel universe in the world I live in people make mistakes and are given second chances, and OP if you want to try again with your dh don't let the doomsayers put you off do what you feel is right. Perhaps posters could stick to helping OP with her problem not berate her for her lifestyle choices.

This is what happens when parents put their own needs and agendas above that of a child.

shes carrying out her punishment

It's clear you cannot see how his behaviour has impacted on her. You see the fact that she doesn't want to speak to him or have him move back in as 'punishment'. You're sayng she's 'stubborn'.

You really don't understand how he's destroyed her trust & respect. You might prefer to sweep it all under the caret right now & blame 'a midlife crisis'. Your DD has far more sense - it's a shame you can't see that.