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Original poster

DD refusing to speak to her dad and doesn't want him to live with us

159 replies

energysaving · 10/09/2016 06:34

DH and I have been split for a while but we having recently been working things out and talking about him possibly moving back home in the not too distant future. DD refuses to speak to him other than a grunt due to his very poor behaviour towards me and DCs during the period of separation. She does not want him to move back in. She's very much like her dad. Very strong minded and stubborn. DH has tried to talk to her but he is now not speaking to her much as she refuses to answer him. He's hoping that she'll come round. Any thoughts on how to handle this before it gets even more out of hand? DD is 12.

OP posts:
BittyWanter · 10/09/2016 08:35

So he broke promises
Hurt you
Hurt your DC by having an affair etc
Treating you shitty when he moved out

Now he's got a chip on his shoulder because his daughter can't forgive him at the moment?

I like your Dd
I don't like your DH

Tell him to change his attitude and grow up. If he Behaves like a child to a child he isn't going to achieve anything.

You should let him read this thread to give him a dose of humble pie

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 10/09/2016 08:36

She basically took allegiance with you against her father and made that judgement. Their relationship I'm sure will never recover.

If you side with her dad now, she will understandably be devastated it will be as if she has lost you both trust wise.

CotswoldStrife · 10/09/2016 08:37

Team DD here too, it really doesn't sound like a good idea for him to move back in to the house 'in the near future' to me.

It's not a case of being black and white Lyra but seeing how their decisions affect their DC. Adults can reason with themselves why they would live with someone they don't or can't trust but children don't have the same capacity.

Desmondo2016 · 10/09/2016 08:39

People get tattoos, new cars and piercings when they have midlife crisis.

People have affairs when they're cheating bastards who don't love and respect their families as they should.

Team DD here too. How dare you brush his actions under the carpet and expect her to forgive him just because that suits you.

MrsHam13 · 10/09/2016 08:39

I think you are crazy to be making a go of things with someone who treated you and your kids so bad during a separation that his own twelve year old wants nothing to do with him. Maybe you should learn a thing or two from her.

MrsMargeSimpson · 10/09/2016 08:39

Take the hint, OP! Your DD is wiser than you and doing you all a favour. You'll thank her next time he fucks around.

Doublemint · 10/09/2016 08:41

I think you need to put the feelings and needs of your DD first, and not minimise the impact your DHs behaviour has had on her. The whole family needs to be ready for DH to move back in, surely you respect your DD more than DH at this time? Surely you owe her this when she's stood by you versus DH who tbh sounds like he's ready to breeze back in and play happy families.

Neither you or DH are considering that DD has a valid, rational reaction to being treated badly and having their trust broken. She seems really balanced.

Team DD here.

dailyarsewipe · 10/09/2016 08:41

He needs to build his bridges with her and you need to stay out of it.

Sounds like she's been the completely powerless party in all of this but badly affected.

Have only read page one btw so if there's a massive drip feed I haven't seen it.

Lweji · 10/09/2016 08:42

What promise to her did he break? (Sorry if I missed it)

ChicRock · 10/09/2016 08:43

Well done on raising a fantastic young woman.

So your H has made a bit of effort with her but it didn't work, now he wants her to shut the fuck up and just pretend everything is how it was, but she won't, so he's ignoring her?

Has he started that shit yet with you too?

NNChangeAgain · 10/09/2016 08:45

selling that's very true. OP your DD would have experienced a great deal of emotional conflict when aligning herself with you - against her father, who she loved equally and just as strongly. Rejecting him, viewing him as less-than-perfect was only possible for her because she was acting on her loyalty towards you.

Now, she's rejected her Dad, and you are supporting him. Her entire foundations have been rocked. She's a very scared child who is undoubtedly emotionally distraught at the fact that circumstances have resulted in her going against both her parents.

She needs reassurance. That you both love her, that you understand why she behaved in the way she did, and also an apology that she was placed in a situation in the first place that meant her loyalties were conflicted.
It will take time. There are some excellent family therapists who can help.

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 10/09/2016 08:46

Stick by your dd OP as she did you.
Do NOT negotiate and smooth over between the two of them .I feel so sorry for your dad I really do. Try and understand, she has basically lost a parent and now she is expected to just be ok with him? Ridiculous.

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 10/09/2016 08:46

Feel sorry for dd

BolshierAryaStark · 10/09/2016 08:48

Your DD has a good set of morals clearly, perhaps you might spend a bit less time pandering to the cheating bastard that has fucked your family over & a little more time in supporting your DD who can obviously see him for what he truly is.

Rozdeek · 10/09/2016 08:49

If my Dad had an affair and then treated my mum like shit (oh wait - he did!!) then I wouldn't forgive him either.

I'm 27 now and our relationship is damaged beyond repair due to his actions.

WhatTheActualFugg · 10/09/2016 08:50

In answer to your question, OP, no. She may never 'thaw out'.

After my DF did the dirty on my DM me and my Dsis didn't speak to him for about 4 or 5 years.

Eventually we built our relationship back to where it had been (although I was an adult by then) but only because DF had remained kind, loving and understanding towards me.

You need to tread very carefully here OP. Your DH broke your DDs heart, she sided with you and became your ally during your joint grief and now you want to ignore her pain and take him back.

Oh, and he's still behaving like and arse.

I'm glad you're not my mother.

neonrainbow · 10/09/2016 08:52

I wonder whether your dds life with your husband there was all a bed of roses before the affair came to light. Maybe she's relieved he's gone and that's why she doesn't want him back in. You'd be a fool to rush into forgiving someone who cheated on you and broke up your family when theres kids involved. Once he's got his feet back under the table he's likely to do it again. I say this because if he's treated you all badly during the separation he can't be that repentant.

OhHolyFuck · 10/09/2016 08:53

Why's it always men that are allowed have midlife crisis'? Don't think I've ever really heard of a woman having one...

category12 · 10/09/2016 08:54

Wait. What's your hurry to live together again?

Let her have time to come to terms with it all.

It's his mess, he shouldn't be giving up on her. And why do you need to intervene and remind him she is the child and he is the adult - he should be able to figure out that shit for himself.

If he can't be a good father to her now when he ought to be on best behaviour, and he has treated the dc so badly during the split, what hope is there that he can be a good father in the future when you're all together again and his position is secure?

Take your time, stop trying to rush it.

skyyequake · 10/09/2016 08:56

The thing is OP that the way you're describing her behaviour is like that of a stroppy toddler... And your H is wondering why he can't just give her a cuddle and take her for an ice cream and all is forgotten forgiven
She's 12 now, withing the next year or so she will be starting to make decisions about her future re education etc, she's old enough now to understand what's going on but young enough that such strong emotions are still quite new to her... She's being very mature in this but having both her parents going against her own feelings about what must be a horrible situation for her is going to push her limits. At this age, when she's just starting her transition into adulthood, she's going to have enough change and drama in her life and she needs a safe space. If you can't give her that then you run the risk of pushing her away for good.
Just consider how you would like to be treated if you felt the way she did... How you would feel if you hadn't forgiven your H and you had your DC begging you to let him come home plus your H trying to schmooze you with lovey words that you have no idea if he means or not
You might get a bit frustrated too
Tbh I hope my DD grows up to have even half the maturity and strength yours does

RaspberryOverload · 10/09/2016 08:57

LyraMortalia Sat 10-Sep-16 08:30:27

It must be so easy when life is black and white. When there are just victims and perpetrators I must live in a parallel universe in the world I live in people make mistakes and are given second chances, and OP if you want to try again with your dh don't let the doomsayers put you off do what you feel is right. Perhaps posters could stick to helping OP with her problem not berate her for her lifestyle choices.

People are trying to help with the OP's problem. Trouble is, OP isn't seeing the real problem, that her DD has had her trust broken yet her dad just wants her to forgive and forget and brush it under the carpet.

I'm all for second chances, if they are deserved. But in this case, the affair and broken promises are being minimised as a "mid life crisis", and the DH is already showing a lack of adult behaviour in his interactions with his DD. He behaved badly to both his wife and children during the affair. This doesn't really inspire any confidence that the reconciliation will work. If he understood and accepted the damage he caused, and carried on working to repair that, fine, but he's now not speaking to his DD because she won't accept his behaviour. That doen't seem to me that he's accepted that his behaviour has caused damage.

pasic · 10/09/2016 08:59

We need to know what the broken promise was about. Was it something personal to just her?

UptheAnty · 10/09/2016 08:59

My mum used to do this, shit would hit the fan for whatever reason and we had to be on her side comfort her, hate him with her. Then she'd forgive him and we'd have to forget everything and start again. It was emotionally exhausting and incredibly selfish.

Your dh needs to address his relationship with his dd seperately from you .
Why are you in the middle talking to her about forgiveness etc why is your dh applying pressure to you to fix it?
It's his mess he created it he should be sorting out his relationship with his dd himself.
You should be supporting your dd regardless not trying to strong arm her into coming round because it makes you feel better.

Kr1stina · 10/09/2016 09:00

Can I also say that a "midlife crisis" isn't a condition or illness, it's a word used to describe a series of selfish actions all designed to please the person doing them and with absolutely no regard for the hurt, anguish and long term damage to so called loved one

This

WinnieFosterTether · 10/09/2016 09:03

Your DD is showing she has excellent boundaries. Please support her in maintaining them and don't try to coerce or bully her into pretending she has forgiven or forgotten.
My DF behaved badly and my DM acted as though he should always have a free pass. The result of that was they completely screwed with our healthy boundaries on bad behaviour.
You are teaching your DCs that if someone says 'sorry' or if someone says they love you (or are family) they can treat you like shit. They are very poor relationship and life lessons.
Your DDs' boundaries are in exactly the right place and I wish you were following her lead, not just because she is a DC who has been placed in this vulnerable position because of the actions of the adults around her but because she is exhibiting healthy behaviour.

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