Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

[Drizl]

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

Does he know what exactly the charity? Some charities are quite shady organizations and you can't know whether your money goes to a good cause or to finance the bureaucracy.
E.g. I'd never donate to Greenpeace or RSPCA

My opinion differs from your dh's in that I think parents should pass their wealth on - particularly these days where younger people are no longer able to buy houses of the same size their parents enjoyed because of exhorbitant house prices.

I also, however, think that the money was left to him, not you, and while I think it is indeed selfish of him to want to give it all to charity and not to use it to help you, his own family, I think morally, even if not legally, he should be able to do what he pleases with it. After all, I'm sure that if you had inherited a large sum from your parents, you might well be using it to please yourself to a certain extent (holiday? car?), rather than putting it 'in the family pot' for household repairs etc.

i agree with AcrossthePond with regard to forcing the issue. Is it worth it?

To those saying 'it is all his money' - well yes in theory, but surely in marriage most normal people share their assets?

In the space of a few weeks in May/June, I got a large amount of money, low'ish 6 figures, most from my mum who had died at start of year, rest from work (employers were bought out, I had shares bought long time ago). My mum had also given me a lump sum in early 2015 (to match a similar amount given to DB a few years earlier).

I have never seen this money as just mine - yes it was my inheritence / share money, but we have been married 20 years, 2 kids, both work, have always had joint finances - why on earth would I see this as just mine?

Luckily we have no mortgage, having both bought houses young, so money is just in savings accounts for now, some short term (to then drip feed into both of our ISAs), some long term, but all in joint names.

We have things we would like to buy, a newer car for me, a van to convert into a camper (for both of us but DHs dream project), a few updates on house, but they will be joint decisions.

Op - I can understand why you feel so hurt, I really do. Yes it is probably grief talking, but I am guessing you also did a lot for MIL, so for him to cut you out of discussions totally now is awful. I dont think you are money-grabbing at all, it is not about the actual money, but the fact you are being cut out of the decision making!!

My DH supported me a lot with my mum, esp in the 16months she was housebound before she died. He made many trips to see her/do her shopping without me (2hrs each way), to allow me some breaks, and was with me on virtually every trip when we were emptying the house. I know that if I said this is my money and mine alone, no way is he getting any for his camper etc, he would accept my decision but he would also be very very hurt after all he did to support me and her.

Disgusted by all of the suggestions of divorce and take half!
BUT there are smarter ways that charities can benefit from the inheritance and your family can have security.

I agree with Kristina that the OP must be very sad about her dh behaving this way.

My mother died this year and left me a small amount. My husband said it was my money to spend as I wished. We are getting the guttering done and having a couple of holidays. I already give money to charity and so do me and dh on a regular basis together. I think we treated the small inheritance totally fairly, it is my money, but I would not dream of keeping the benefits of it from my husband and my children.

I think it is a serious point he might try and hide the money so no one else gets it, but more likely that he is just not coping with the death of his mum and feels uncomfortable 'benefiting' by her death in this way (which to me shows a lack of awareness about the way life, death and the world works - or rather a rejection of it - and a complete lack of regard for his own mother's wishes!)

In mine and my sisters inheritance there was a very small sum left to a friend of my mum's, who is also my friend (my age). She was very embarrassed to be left money and basically said she did not want it. I think she thought my sis and I would object, despite me saying repeatedly we had known about it and were happy about it! My friend wanted to give it to charity. My mother would have been most upset, she wanted our not so well off friend to benefit from it!

Eventually, I had to spell it out, this was my mother's wish and we were her executors, we absolutely had to fulfill her wishes. My friend would have been at liberty to give it away but sis and I both knew this was not what our mum would have wanted at all (despite giving money to several charities in her life).

Anyway, eventually friend saw sense and took the money, spent it on what she needed and told us, we were delighted. If our mum had known/knows, she would be delighted too.

Death bring out the worse in some of us, some of the time, grief is very hard.

I was in this position 13yrs ago. My Dh's mum left entire estate to him, her only child. Substantial in excess od 1/4 million. He told all his extended family under the influence of grief that he was going to share it out between tgem all. WTF . I was speechless. I kept silent, because I felt I wasn't entitled to comment. He didnt5follow through, but his relatives have never spoken to us since.

" point out that after paying off your mortgage and getting your home fit for human habitation"
Is theit home unfit for human habitation? Where are they living?

And why would investing the money and giving the interest to charity be more effective for the charity than giving the lump sum to charity?

Cross post with AnotherEmma but she worded it much better than me - surely getting married should be a commitment in all respects, including financial.

As for TheField65 comment about using it to please yourself - but in other areas of marriage, most people wouldn't just please themself, without any thought to DH & DC, so why in this respect? Or maybe I am unusual in not just pleasing myself, with no thought to the other 3 members of the family that DH created when we decided to marry and have children?

Legally I don't know tbh, but morally the money is his and does not fall into normal family money. I totally agree that MIL most likely would not have wanted the money to all go to charity, otherwise she would have done this herself. Would she have wanted OP to divorce her son and get half (now or anywhere down the line), absolutely not, I would have thought.

If this thread were from the woman inheriting the answers would be completely different, and I am sure I have seen that before.

I do agree with PP that this decision is currently being made through grief and it would be regret that I would be worried about, so if OP can persuade her DH to at least wait a while he may well think differently further down the line.

If DH decided to keep the money but pass the majority on to his own children, would this be a problem too?

I can see how the lack on consultation would be a problem in this situation, but do you think it is possible that you (OP) could be coming across as wanting to get your hands on the cash for home improvements and this is upsetting your DH?

Just wanted to add some information from experience, I inherited a large sum of money and had been married a long time, it was put into the marital pot and counted when it came to the divorce. Funnily enough it was one of the first things the exh requested through solicitors, because he wanted to get his grubby little fingers on it, I fought it, but legally he was entitled to it because of the length of the marriage (over 10) years and the court awarded him the split on all equity including the inheritance.

Tell him that half of it is yours, he can give his half away but you're hanging on to yours and using it to put kids through Uni/repair the house properly/have a good holiday/buying a smaller place for yourself so you can dump his sorry arse/whatever else has crossed your mind.

I agree with him. I know it is hard to hear it, but he is entitled to do what he wants with his mum's money. sorry.

Does DH currently give to charity? It's one thing to be generous with other people's (MIL's) money but does he give his own money to charity? If not then he's a hypocrite.

Have you thought about what you are going to do yourself OP? Your youngest is nearly an adult and you no longer have caring responsibilities for MIL. Are you going to get a job and your own financial independence?

There are some unpleasant mindsets being revealed in the responses to this post.
OP, I don't think the money should be either of your priorities right now. Probate will take a while, this isn't something your dh will have to decide on immediately. He's grieving. Support him through that.
(DH and I once had a ridiculous and massive argument over my saying that I didn't want to win the euro millions jackpot and if I did, all but £1million was going to be donated. He couldn't believe I'd want to do anything but benefit our loved ones with the money that we didn't actually have and I couldn't believe he'd want to be super rich in a world where so many people have nothing. Totally different situation but similar concept. Do you think dh would maybe be amenable to donating some to a cause his mum supported and using the rest for family? )

From a purely financial point of view, surely he would be better off investing the money to provide some monthly interest. That way, he could donate to charity, but also - it gives you some ongoing leverage for discussion, negotiation. And either way, the money goes further in the long term.

What a difficult situation. The suggestion to ask the executor to hold back the money for a while - i doubt that executors have power to do that. Not an expert but their duty is to distribute the assets, and (if dh is not the executor anyway, which he may well be.) i think dh could require them to do that without undue delay.

Op, have you and dh ever discussed inheritance and the dcs' position before - for example have you both made wills? Has he ever hinted he doesn't want your older dc to inherit 'his' share?

Off topic slightly but Karma, i agree with you that it's best for dc not to know until 21 (or even 30!) if someone has given them a large amount of money , but i have a feeling i have read somewhere that the trustees are under a duty to tell beneficiaries anout the trust once the dc is 18 - again i'm not an expert so that may not be right, but if it is it is another constraint.

there are also beneficial tax reasons for giving away 10 percent if it is over the iht threshold. now is definitely not the right time but it could be worth mentioning later after you have looked into it.

I would not start battling this while the death is new.

Bide your time, show interest and support for making charitable donations.
Say 'wait and lets see how to make the money do the most good'
Have a conversation (in due course) about what his Mum would have wanted.
Talk about making yourselves secure so that you can make ongoing choices about charitable donations throughout your lives: e.g if you pay your mortgage you can then have a long term prospect of ongoing charitable donations - perhaps along the lines of a 'tithe' - and point out that this would actually be MORE efficient because keeping your mortgage involves you in paying interest while paying it off whereas if your mortgage is paid off you have more disposable income and no interest to pay as 'wasted' money.
Talk about investing the money and giving all the interest to charity every year, maybe.

Those advising the OP to go to a solicitor - do you think your marriage would be the healthier for your DH taking you to court to send your deceased mother's estate?

I am assuming that the op would like to secure her future AND her marriage.

I think the most practical advice is the one given in the NHS leaflet you're handed after losing a relative. It says don't make any major decisions for 6 months. If at all possible, can you just ask your husband to put the money in an account and spend six months thinking carefully about it? Show him the leaflet! Say you're not trying to tell him what to do but it isn't good to make a major decision while in the first stages of grieving. If the solicitor knows the family they could advise on this or at least ask him to chat to a bereavement counsellor. It is entirely natural as PP have said for someone who is grieving to not want the money and to want to give it to a good cause but he won't feel the same way probably in a year's time and it would be a shame if he regretted it.
It is his money. It would be a good idea for him to pay off the mortgage. In six months' time that may well be clearer to him. He would presumably still have money he could donate to a good cause. But it is also worth thinking really carefully about that good cause and doing some research.
For what it's worth, I was in that position. I was the sole heir and felt guilty that I got the money. I didn't do anything in haste and I did pay off our mortgage.

He can do what he wants, it's his money.

As for what his DM wanted him to do with it, and the suggestion made by pp that she MUST have wanted it to benefit your family, that's bollocks. She could have left a share to all of you. She chose not to. I'm sure that just like my parents (who I inherited a much smaller sum from) she would have wanted him to do whatever made him happy. This is what he wants to do, let him go ahead.

And If money is that tight for you maybe you should go back to work rather than relying on inherited money to improve your lifestyle?

You are reacting to the shock and could be projecting your concerns re favouritism to the children.I totally understand your concerns but just be careful not to load issues onto this.Trust what you know of him and are hearing from him.

I think you are best to encourage him to wait a period of time, letting him know if he feels the same after 6months you will support him.

If you have reacted strongly to him (feeling your marriage severed) he may not be very receptive to you now.Is there someone else neutral that he would seek counsel from?

Tell him that half of it is yours, he can give his half away but you're hanging on to yours and using it to put kids through Uni/repair the house properly/have a good holiday/buying a smaller place for yourself so you can dump his sorry arse/whatever else has crossed your mind.

What absolute bollocks.

Im sorry but I am shocked reading this. We are also going through a similar thing but the amount of money is substantially less!
However the money is only half of the problem here.

IMO this is half your money too! You are family and have been for 22 years. Not 22 months!!
To say this money is completely his, is an utterly selfish thing to do. And no I dont see you as money grabbing at all! Why shouldnt you want to look after yourself and your children?

If my husband did this, I would understand from his perspective why he wanted to do it and even give a portion to charity. But if he gave it all away when me and the children were in need and didnt include me in the decision making. I would tell him to keep his money and his wedding ring.

Overtime the resentment you will feel towards him through not including you in such a monumentous decision will eat away at you.

The money that we had was not much and ours went on our house, and his car. But it was both our choice. Had he bought himself a couple of new bikes and kept it from me, and the choice and planning of this,Regardless of the amount, I would hold that against him. I personally wouldnt be able to help it?

Surely you're together or not at all?

Of course you have another battle further down the line op. When you have paid off your mortgage (with or without this inheritance) what will the position be with regard to your children inheriting? If he is so anti inherited wealth, will he want to stop them inheriting from you and him? You might want to look at your own will and leave your share of your estate to your children. Otherwise, if you die first and he inherits from you he may leave everything to charity in his will.

Presumably there were no 'discussions' with MIL. Perhaps not if she wasn't very old. I knew my mum's views on how money should be spent VERY well and every big expenditure we make from the proceeds of her estate, I think about whether she would have approved. Dsis and I also reinforce this with each other by commenting to each other that mum would have been so pleased to think her money was helping grandchildren go through university, buy a car etc.

But you know you have no legal claim to any of the money. All you can do is reason with him and hope by the time you've gone through probate and the house is sold, he's willing to treat you as an equal partner and reach a compromise.

File for divorce and claim half.