Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

[Drizl]

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

Much better to set up a trust to leverage the money properly, perhaps even leaving your entire estate to the trust once you have really built it up.

Otherwise you might have a Joan Woolard experience. Money can just disappear if you give it away in a sentimental worthy way, unless you are super-careful. Show him this.

www.spectator.co.uk/2015/02/the-trouble-with-kids-company/

OP, have you good reason to suspect that he doesn't want his stepchildren to inherit? Does he treat them differently to your joint children?

Is the current situation bringing long standing issues over your blended family into sharper focus?

As for what his DM wanted him to do with it, and the suggestion made by pp that she MUST have wanted it to benefit your family, that's bollocks. She could have left a share to all of you. She chose not to. I'm sure that just like my parents (who I inherited a much smaller sum from) she would have wanted him to do whatever made him happy. This is what he wants to do, let him go ahead.

In my experience it is normal to not mention the spouse in the will to protect against divorce. Among other examples I've encountered, neither my husband's parents nor mine have named him or me in their respective wills.

This doesn't mean that it's intended for the named recipient alone.

he might not be thinking straight due to bereavement....poor guy has just lost his mum.

I am sorry for your loss

When people are bereaved they can act very strangely for some time and go through a range of emotions, sadness, anger, guilt, happiness etc

Thinking outside the box
You say your husband is the main breadwinner of the household. Perhaps he enjoys working and keeping the family, and he feels he has made huge sacrifices over the years to do this. If he is due a big inheritance this would effectively take this role away from him - what would the point of him going to work. Similarly, perhaps he thinks he would be taking away the work ethic of the 4 children by giving them money too.
Money can sometimes be a burden, not a good thing

The money will take time to sort out, so there will be time to reflect

Your DH should take time to think how best to spend the money
I would pay off your mortgage & do repairs
Set aside some money for the children for weddings or house deposits
Invest the rest in a local method of helping others, perhaps in a variety of ways; charity, random good deeds of kindness, buy to let at reduced rent, animal charities, award schemes for someone at school, invest in medecine, something where he can see some good has been done and the money has not gone into someones pocket !

Wow.

To tall the people who suggest divorce to get his money.

What knobs you all are.

I think the OP's subsequent post is material. The dcs are a)in their 20s and b) two are not the dh's dcs. Do the older dcs have another parent/family in the picture from whom they might inherit? At the end of the day, does the dh feel that blood is thicker than water? Is he planning to give by stealth to his "own" dcs?

I would think dh had gone mad if he made any decision about an inheritance without consulting (obeying!) me. If the OP thinks her dh is really acting out of character, then grief is a strong contender as an explanation. Weeks after my df died unexpectedly my dm went and sold their house - the family home. She even took the first very low cheeky offer. She wouldn't buy anything else and went and stayed on my aunt's sofa (I was living and working far away) for months. She bitterly and vocally regretted that atrocious decision for the rest of her life.

I think you should get solid legal advice ASAP assuming that you can not reason with him.

The people saying "you're married it's half yours" are not really understanding the legal situation concerning inheritances and how they differ from other finances.

I suspect that at the end of the day legally there's nothing you can do but is he really willing to risk losing his family over this?

Also, if the money is left to one person, they can do what they like with it. Not have some other interested party go "Oh well, really the money was supposed to be for x, y and z and they shouldn't give it away. That isn't why it was given."

I'm going to inherit a much smaller sum (think 3 figures) but my mum & I have a plan for me to use Kiva loans or a similar charity where you make small loans to help people change their lives. A year or so later you can withdraw the money or loan it again. I can keep her memory alive doing good things and then give my boys some money from her when they start university. Could this (or ideas like the pps of renting a house out with the proceeds to charity) be a better solution?

I see inheritance as separate & wouldn't want half but I don't think I would want to stay married to someone who - once recovered from the initial grief - didn't consider my feelings or the wellbeing of our family.

It is his decision but if it was me I would be annoyed he won't put any aside for the children. Having a bit extra to help out with uni is not going to turn them into workshy layabouts bit it might just make everyone's life easier.

I agree that OP's husband is not thinking clearly and likely to change his mind.

The divorce suggestions are way over the top.

I wonder if he knows that his mother wouldn't have wanted her step grandchildren to inherit her money.

If he considers them to be his children, perhaps he feels conflicted about what to doband prefers to have no money than monry that would split his family.

I guess a wife prepared to divorce him to get her hands on half the money would solve that problem for him.

I have a horrible sinking feeling that he doesn't want the two he isn't the father of to benefit from 'his' family money

Granted it might be the grief talking, but given his attitude I'm afraid your instincts could well be right - IME they often are. I'm truly sorry, but like PPs I'd also wonder if the money was actually going to be invested elsewhere

On a more positive note, has he considered that securing your own position could free up time to spend helping a local charity rather than just writing a cheque? Another interest - new friends - some control over what it's spent on - the satisfaction of actually seeing it doing good and still keeping most of it for the time being - a win all round, surely?

Overall, though, I definitely agree that it's best to delay any decisions until things have settled down; if he insists on donating the money as soon as possible, I'd be taking some rather careful legal advice

Agree with Movingon.

He ought to have discussed it with you - but in the end it is HIS money, his DM left it to him,and trusted him to do what he wanted with it.

Like you, I would be upset that he wanted to give it all away, but I would accept that that was his decision. (Would probably throw it in his face for the next 30 years as the windows rattled and gates came off their hinges.)

I think you have a very kind man there, who feels other people's pain. You aren't badly off, you admit - we would all like more, who wouldn't? but you aren't going to end on the streets. Let him donate it

As Acrossthepond has said - he may well resent you if you revert him doing what he wants. Maybe his mother wanted it to go to charity and told him so, but felt she hadn't got the energy to go through the process of changing her will?

Or perhaps he's worried that once you start spending it, there will always be something else you want - that it will start with (say) paying off mortgage and repairs, goes on to decorating, then once you have decorated the furniture looks shabby so you replace it, then you need a holiday after all the upheaval, and surely it would be best to replace the car before becomes unreliable . . .

It's his money. Leave him alone.

*prevent, not revert

Ahhh me... nothing peels away the veneer of family like the death of elders and the $$$ they leave behind. I went to a funeral years ago and two relatives got physical with each other over money while the priest was delivering the eulogy over the family matriarchs grave, they both fell into the hole on top of her casket. Utter hilarity.

00100001

seconded!

Do you and he have wills?
You should have - as you are a SAHM.
What does his will say wrt the house and you and your children?

What do you think your MIL had in mind wrt to your eldest children / his step children?

Tread carefully and sensitively. He only announced this last might, it may be thinking in progress.

I agree the issues are your worry that he is trying to cut off your eldest.
Do they stand to inherit from their bio father? In a way that your younger ones won't? Does his will say that HIS half of your house will go to his (your younger) children, whereas your half will presumably be slit between your 4 kids?

And if you reverse or put a different spin on your postings it might read 'I want him to keep this money so that I can give it to my 4 children'.

Is he having a mid-life crisis or is he depressed OP? He's really not thinking straight if he doesn't want to pay off your mortgage and make necessary repairs to your home - instead just chucking the money away. That's not sound thinking at all. If you really didn't need the money that would be one thing, but to me you're not well off if you can't afford to fix up your house.

As for your fear that he's trying to prevent your two older DC getting their hands on his money - how would paying off your mortgage and repairing your home benefit them? They're presumably working or independent at this point, so this doesn't make sense. Is he very resentful of your older DC? There is definitely more going on here than a rash and selfish decision being made unilaterally.

I wish people would stop saying divorce him and take half the money. The OP would not get any of the inheritance in a divorce settlement.

Might get flamed but I don't care.
Where I am a from you don't get a share in inheritance and rightfully so!!! the money wasn't left to you or the children. You sound money hungry. The guys just bleeding lost his mother. He probably won't act on it let him rant and rave. So you think this money is worth more than the 16 years of marriage? Crazy what money does too people

Just re-reading original post as couldn't see any mention of step-children, and I notice that you day My dh was round there every day tending to her. Does that mean that you weren't? Did you have as little to do with her as you could?

You mention that she was frequently at your home - how frequently if "frequently"? Did you and your MIL actually get on? Perhaps she didn't want you to benefit?

(And if you didn't get on, I'm not suggesting that it was your fault - she might have been a difficult woman for all I know, but she could have made your DH promise that you and yours got no benefit.)

I see what you are saying Kungfu but on the other hand, marriage is a partnership and OP has helped look after her MIL for the last ten years.

'where you are from' - is that the kind of place where men get everything then, and women can just do the cleaning and child rearing and stay dependent?

Great.

I'd wonder if it t was about keeping the money from the two elder DC. It's normal for a step parent to 'exclude' their step children from their wills (it's normal to include them too!) as they usually have their own bio parent to inherit from.

There is nothing wrong with this approach but I should be discussed and agreed on.

OP do you older DC still see their bio Dad (sorry if that's the wrong term). Will they inherit from that side of their family? How did your DH get on with your two eldest - are they more step kids than not. Iyswim