Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

[Drizl]

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

I don't know..I can believe it. Have been through similar but very different circumstances (DH estranged from natural father but the latter died intestate so he could, theoretically, have claimed half the estate, not for him, not for me, but for our kids' futures). He didn't want to even discuss it. I did not post on here as I knew/know IABU (even though neither of us were responsible for the estrangement). If the OP's situaution is as straight forward as shown, in her shoes I would also be questioning the relationship.

My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out.

So we could help her out. How did you miss that line it was not just the husband. They are supposed to be a partnership and she feels like he has let her down. Not even a discussion would any of you allow you're husband to treat you like that.

As someone who has discovered she & her husband don't share same value systems at all, OP has gone very quiet.

That doesn't make the op a bad person from what she has posted she wants him to discuss it not ignore her. It would mean an easier future for the 2 of them and thats what she is thinking.

We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it

They don't allow men to bathe women in old peoples home because of how they feel about it.
I'm sure some of the male carers bathed my mum. They certainly changed her.

MimsyPimsy its safe guarding no man is to bathe a woman. A man can do certain tasks it is all about safe guarding.

I'm sorry sunshine, that may be true, but if so I think that's disgraceful, it's not only insinuating men can't be trusted and the whole stigma that they are predators, which I believe is already a complaint by some men why they wouldn't consider those such careers, or teaching, it means that the women working are burdened more than the men

OP this terrible decision of your husband's is going to have huge repercussions on your whole family . Not being over-dramatic, but it could potentially tear your family apart
Most of the children are adults, and some of this money would set them up for life with a big deposit on a house. I can't imagine how they would feel being denied that.
Come to that, do they know? I would guess not.
I really think you need to pick your moment, sit your husband down and calmly discuss how the children could feel if he goes ahead with this crazy plan. You need to bear in mind too, that they could turn on you and say you should have done more to stop him.
Please come back op with an update.

The OPs MIL wasn't in a care home so what does or doesn't happen there with male carers is irrelevant.

I doubt very much the OP was round there all the time. We don't know how old MIL was, nor how infirm or not she may have been in the last 10 years. Lots of elderly people are able to self care, just need help with shopping, getting out and about etc. Even if she did require some help, it's quite possible that the OPs DH provided this.

I suspect the OP won't be back because in among all the divorce him and take his cash rangers, quite a few of us have asked what's stopping her from working if they're struggling to afford repairs to their house and she feels they need this money...

SusannahL]

That's an incredible sense of entitlement for them to have IMO and totally the wrong way to go about it.

Guilt tripping when his mother has just died won't achieve anything.

Interesting re the safeguarding. I would just like to point out that plenty of men do look after their relatives. When I used to visit my DM, there were plenty of men who had been the main carers before their parents or partners ended up in the nursing home when they became too ill to be left without nursing care.

In this case, we don't know that the MIL was incapacitated, only that the husband works and went round every day, and the MIL also visited regularly.

Wow, 13 pages of assumptions based on just 2 fairly brief posts, that has to be a record!

OP, it does kind of sound as though you don't really need the money. Your DH is right, there are millions of people who could use it more. I think what he's proposing is admirable actually. He should at least be open to an honest conversation about his feelings/plans but at the end of the day, it is his money and therefore up to him.

Btw my exh had an inheritance from his father, it wouldn't have crossed my mind to go after it when we divorced, but I think if I had tried it would have been ringfenced off anyway.

how the children could feel if he goes ahead with this crazy plan
Blimey, if it were me, I would feel proud that my father gave the money to charity, rather than think I deserved the inheritance. The children are adults and have hardly planned their life around receiving this money.

So Mimsy, you would feel proud that your father gave the money to corrupt charities, with vastly overpaid executives, rather than helping his nearest and dearest?
Several people who work for charities have posted on here to say how ashamed and horrified they are at how they are run. At least one said she would never give to them.

I would feel proud that he thought it better to keep working to pay his mortgage for the whole family, believing that his mother's money would be going to help those worse off than himself. How much money does one person need, if you are living comfortably? It would be different if the OP said they were on the breadline, though. But she hasn't, and it's not as though they have earned the money.

I've done a lot of voluntary work for various charities over the years, and while some large charities are culpable, plenty of small charities do so much good.

Of course the solution would be some and some, wouldn't it?
I am sure some smaller charities are much better than the large ones.
Actually I'm also wondering if this is all a hoax/scam. The op hasn't come back. Anyway I have enjoyed reading all the different opinions on this.

As other people have said, there's a reason you don't make big decisions in the first six months!

I've had two (low) 6-figure inheritances and for the first six months didn't want a penny of either of them. It's tainted money and a reminder of what you've lost.

After that, the first one I ended up spending on my degree, driving lessons, a car and then house deposit. All would have been okay with the person that died I'm sure.

My DM then died a year ago. My disabled sibling is remaining in her house but that was the right decision for us even with the benefit of hindsight.

The rest I have put into investments. However, I've also paid off our loans and credit cards and booked a holiday for our family for next year (somewhere my DM loved).

I recently had to reduce my work hours drastically and we'd have struggled with our financial liabilities if I'd given it away as I originally wanted to do. A lot can change in six months and I'm glad I waited until I was thinking more rationally before doing anything with it.

You need to get across to your DH that now isn't the time to make the decision and he should review it in six months to a year.

Wowzers!

Just wanted to come back to my point about his duty to provide for his children. The youngest child is 17 and might be financially dependent on their parents for several years to come. If they leave education at 18 they could get a job but might not be able to afford to move out straight away. If they want to go to university, the parents will be expected (by student finance) to contribute towards tuition fees and living expenses.

I do think it's strange to prioritise charitable giving over your family home. He has a wife and at least one child who are financially dependent on him, and if he paid off the mortgage, their home would be 100% secure, AND he could still afford to give to charity.

I also think it's fair to assume that if the OP is a housewife, it's probably because she and her husband are both happy for her to be one. So whatever the reasons for it, whether we agree or not, I don't think it's the key issue here.

The likelihood is that they made a joint decision for the OP to be housewife, him to support the family financially, and for them both to help his mother (whatever form that help may have taken!) And now he is making a unilateral decision about the inheritance. In a way, it's not about the money or the merits of charitable giving v other options, it's actually just about sharing important decisions.

Anyway I have enjoyed reading all the different opinions on this.
Me too. It's quite an eye opener.
I'm sure, if this DH exists, he will change his mind when he has had time to reflect.

On the subject of university, will this inheritance be treated as parental income for loan purposes? I'm not familiar with the new rules. If it is, and if it has an impact on the amount the 17 year old will have to live on should they choose to go, that rather gives the lie to the posts about him not having any duties re financial support.

Also, comments about corrupt charities and overpaid executives are silly. There are thousands and thousands of charities all with different arrangements. Choosing not to support any because you feel some are dodgy is as stupid as assuming they're all legit because some are.

I believe that student finance take all the parents' financial circumstances into account, including income, savings and other assets. I suppose if he inherited the money and then gave it all away, it would probably not be counted.

But it would be an issue if they ever had to apply for means-tested benefits in future.

Indeed it would. I don't know if they have other assets that would render that irrelevant anyway, like if they've got 400k in land abroad they'll be disqualified anyway, but it's a possibility. I'm surprised more people haven't made this point, actually.

Another Emma - parents dont contribute to tuition fees (although can choose to pay them instead of the child getting a loan I suppose) but the maintenance loan is based on household income. I am not aware that savings etc are taken into account, our DS is going uni this time, he will get the minimum loan based on our household income and we are then expected to help with rest of hall fees/living costs, but we werent asked anything about our savings or investments.