Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

[Drizl]

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

Exactly, stonecircle.

Also what kind of satisfaction would anyone personally get if their house was bought off with someone else's money?

What a bizarre thing today.

That's the main thing people's inheritances go towards, surely.

To say, not today.

Unless you're actually divorcing and the inheritance is being brought in as a marital asset, your DH has full control of it.
Has the estate been left to to your DH outright or is it in trust? Would your MIL have expected him to look after you and his children with it? She obviously didn't share is views on not passing money on. If he's worried about your DC wasting an inheritance then he can always make a will himself which leaves the money in trust for them until an age he considers them able to deal with the responsibility, should he die before then.
Does he have a specific charity in mind? Is it one that was important to your MIL, perhaps?
The way he's cutting you out makes me assume he takes all the financial decisions and I wonder if you know what his own will says? Is your house in joint names? I would strongly suggest that you get together whatever financial information you can and get an appointment with a solicitor (agree the fee in advance) to go through your finances just so you know where you stand.
Depending on your circumstances and the state of your relationship overall, it might be best not to escalate matters but leave him to come to terms with the bereavement and see if he changes his position. Either way get your own will drawn up if you haven't already done so.

I also think that he is still grieving for his mother and isn't thinking totally rationally at this point. It will be some time before the money becomes available to him so I think the OP can relax for a time and avoid mentioning it . This will give her DH time to calm down his emotions and think about things.
When the time is right it will be worth calmly asking him to pay off the mortgage and set things up financially so that if anything happened to him ( divorce , death , illness etc.) his wife of twenty odd years is not left struggling to cope. This is only fair as she has raised his children and made it possible for him to work. He now needs to ensure her comfortable future before he even begins to think about giving the money to others. Personally I think he will change his mind when he has had time to think about things .
It would certainly make me angry and feel unappreciated that he felt he could do what he liked without any consultation.

Several years ago I was in a similar situation ( except I worked full time ) and pointed out to my DH that we had always put our money into a shared account and it had been " ours" . Now that he had come into money it was suddenly " his". I also pointed out that during all the years we had been married his parents had been part of our family and I had done as much for them as him .....possibly more. We had seen them almost every Xmas , Easter etc. for years and when they were ill and eventually dying I had spent many weeks looking after them away from my own home because I loved them , but more importantly because I loved him and it was the right thing to do.
I explained this to him calmly ..... no " rows " as such ..... and then left him to think about it. A few months down the road and no mention was ever made again about giving it all to charity. ( we do give to various charities by direct debit every month so we aren't tight , unfeeling types ).

Give him time to come to terms with his mum's death , time he can use to think , when the time is right discuss the issues with him ..... and let him know how you feel about him making such a huge unilateral decision without you.

your dcs are adults now theres no looking after them so to speak

why cant u get a job to provide for them if u so want

i can just see the solictors face when they say reason for divorce

oh he wouldnt give me half his mums money

I stopped reading after OP called her H a selfish bastard for wanting to give millions to charity. He might be many things, but selfish isn't one!

It's fairly usual to feel exceptionally giving after the death of a loved one.

Once he's taken advice, I suspect it'll turn out wiser to set up a trust that can make sizeable donations for a very long time; provisions could be made for care of the family/home as well.

What about comprimising and using a charity/company that employs ex offenders or people with special needs to do the work on your home then you are both getting your wish

GarlicMist The 2 older children are not his the two younger ones are. I do think there is a reason behind it all why he wants to give it away to charity. I think that is what pisses the OP off he's not being very tactile or better still truthful about his feelings. Give it away to charity so none of the children will be jealous. He may also save some for the younger two children and give them a little back hander. After reading the op's last post I can't see him giving it all away to charity.

Also what kind of satisfaction would anyone personally get if their house was bought off with someone else's money?

Is that a joke??

Oh, we find it far, far more satisfying to spend 40 years doing our shitty jobs.

Also when did a 6 figure sum become 50k?

Would be interesting to know what the OP means when she describes them as "moderately well off".

I'm in London, have friends on family incomes well into 6 figures and million pound plus houses (with mortgages and work that needs doing) and they would probably describe themselves as "fairly comfortable". I think they'd shy away from saying they were moderately well off, perhaps if really pushed (and only with a "compared to some" proviso!).

The idea that the OP may be left struggling without this money, or that there might not already be significant provision made in the event of her DH's sudden death (through life assurance etc) may be very wide of the mark. We just don't know.

Sunshine, she said "I have a horrible sinking feeling that he doesn't want the two he isn't the father of to benefit from 'his' family money." This is her construct, and the part about backhanders is yours. All she's told us about her DH is that he earns decent money, has altruistic motives and isn't very good at DIY.

None of this makes him a selfish bastard, far from it! I wonder whether OP has good reasons not to learn DIY herself - or even make her own money.

What about compromising and using a charity/company that employs ex offenders or people with special needs to do the work on your home then you are both getting your wish

I think that's a brilliant idea

Why not help your children have a good start in life?

I would be beyond staggered if DH turned down this opportunity.

Maybe if she had a job to begin with then maybe she would have more of a say. My partner has a good job and bringing up 4 children on 1 salary is not easy. It does make me wonder why they can't afford to get someone in to do the DIY for them their youngest is 17 after all.

Ok, SAHM don't get a say over family finances. That'll teach 'em.

I'm a SAHM and my partner gives me a say in everything. Its about being a team player.

Well yeah, so why say:
Maybe if she had a job to begin with then maybe she would have more of a say.?

As a matter of fact I have full control of the finances I know where everything goes. I give him a full update every week. He does want me back at work soon to take some of the pressure of him.

Helmetbymidnight that is how some men are my Dad is like that he makes all the decisions and she don't get a say. As far as he is concerned she retired when she married him. That same situation that my mum is in could be the same for the op.

She's not really a SAHM, she's a full-time housewife. The youngest child is 17.

Not that I feel it's particularly relevant to this issue whether she earns or not. I don't think it detracts from either her right to discuss the family's financial plans - or her obligation to support her husband through this. Though it's presumably relevant to the family's overall financial situation.

Maybe there is a reason she doesn't have a job. What a fucking ignorant statement to make.

My DCs are both at school. I am a SAHM. There are reason I don't work. Not everything is black and white.

surely it's possible her DH thinks that they really don't need the money? The work on the house can be financed plenty of other ways.

So now the concensus is the dh is doing this just so his dsc don't get a share of the money and will bung his own kids cash in secret?

Well hang on a minute, whilst an equal share to all kids would be a kind a fair thing to do, is there not another thread going on where OP is being told she shouldn't have to subsidise her DSC and only save for her own, MN is so hypocritical it is untrue!

There are a few possibilities

1. He is grief-stricken and this is simply a manifestation of his immediate grief, just a stage along the way, not the final decision.

1. He genuinely believes his wife of 16 years doesn't deserve to be even consulted about the disposition of a life-changing amount of money. This would be a terrible blow to my marriage and clearly the OP feels the same. (But lots of women on this thread have said it is reasonable for their husbands to think they should have no say in major financial decisions as long as it is the husbands own money.)

1. He wants to make sure the money is ringfenced away from the OP and possibly her two older children. So the money won't actually go to charity but will just go into another account she won't know about.

I can see why the OP is so upset.