Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

[Drizl]

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

Why get into more debt when they still have a mortgage to pay.

Some men like control over their wives its not uncommon. I could never be with a man who took control and I could never have a say. I would fight that man all the way.

lalaloopyhead I know someone it happened to and the child who was an adult who got the backhander put his daughter through private school.

HarryPottersMagicWand some men will use any excuse to not involve their partner financially. There is a law now about financial abuse. If they are earning good money why don't he hire someone to do the work for them he could put money away for a few months. The op doesn't sound happy with her partner and her patience could have ran out.

Sunshine, I get that it is not the kindest thing to do but in your example is that not the grandparent (bunging) paying for their bio GC private education? Whilst in the real world this could cause problems with step/half siblings, what I meant was MN advice would be if OP was a woman 'why should you contribute to your Step Grandkids education from your Mothers inheritance!!'

Would I expect my Dh to split any money he received equally between my 3 children (2 mine, 1 ours)? No, it would be nice but I wouldn't expect it as a right. if it was a significant amount I could see it causing resentment, though my 2 dc have their Dad's family to inherit from which obviously could put them at an unfair advantage over our other dc. That's just life in a blended/step family surely?

All academic to my situation though, as no-one has got large sums of money to leave to anyone anyway!

On my partners side there is and there will be a war between them. My partner is going to leave it up to the kids to sort out his share.

May I gently remind some posters that MN is not a groupthink borg?

Anyway, I can't get past someone saying he's a selfish bastard for wanting to give all his money to charity - or the flood of replies saying the same. Presumably she knew she was living with a man of conscience? If not, and he's very suddenly discovered an interest in helping the needy - then either it's his grief talking or you're right and there's an evil plot. She hasn't given much info, though, apart from some bare facts and some slightly contemptuous remarks about her husband.

I hope you didn't marry him for his inheritance, Drizl?

lalaloopyhead I do agree with you but its still a bad thing to do. I think the op should get the truth out of him and start from there.

FWIW I think it is selfish to unilaterally give the entirety of a 6-figure sum to charity when you have a mortgage to pay and children to support. He is putting his desire to give to charity over his duty to provide for his family. If he paid off the mortgage he wouldn't have to pay interest to the bank, and he could still give the same amount to charity, just over the course of several years by regular donation. Essentially, by donating it all instead of paying off the mortgage, he is choosing to stay in debt in order to give. That's not only selfish, it's mad. The only winner is the bank, as they get all the mortgage interest.

I hope you didn't marry him for his inheritance, Drizl?

I think honesty should play a big part in a marriage. If he doesn't want the children that is not his to have anything then he should tell her. Then she can deal with it and move on. My partner does tell me I am lucky to have him what you see is what you get with him. He doesn't play games and he tells you straight. Maybe the op feels that he is not talking straight to her and this is very out of character. When it comes to money never underestimate the other persons greed.

He is putting his desire to give to charity over his duty to provide for his family

See, I don't think he does want to give to charity especially, more likely he is grief-stricken and just doesn't want to deal with the death of his mother or to be seen to be benefiting from it.

He is probably not capable of making clear-headed decisions right now, and probably neither is OP.

If they've been caring for the mother for 10 years, that must have been an increasing burden. On some level he probably feels relief that she's passed. As the only son and benificiary, it would be so hard to reconcile the grief, relief and the guilt of feeling a sense of relief. In that situation, giving it all to charity and being done with it is probably very appealing.

Well the OP got the idea from somewhere that he might not want his stepchildren to gain financially from this inheritance.

I wish she would come back and explain a bit more. Much of the speculation here is probably irrelevant.

take care of his children what the ones that are adults now?

im not saying they shouldnt gt someting but theres noone to look after except the 17 year old and maybe he thinks its unfair to give one and not three

Children to support?

The youngest is 17, the others are proper grown ups! Without wishing to come across all Xenia, if you really feel that you need cash for repairs on your house and help with the mortgage, with your youngest at 17, you could choose to work. If you had your own independent income perhaps you wouldn't be so invested in your mother in law's money? I agree taht you're perfectly entitled to be furious about a unilateral decision of such magnitude being made, but there are other solutions to what you say are the problems. THere's certainly room for compromise on both sides, once his head is around the grieving

(& all the divorce suggestions? seriously?)

What a fantastic bloke. The world needs more of this.

To all those saying she should get a job - maybe she has spent the last 10 years helping out his mum who lived next door? Maybe she wanted to go back to work but he didnt want her to for some reason - control or ensuring that someone was always on hand for his mum? Maybe she has health problems that prevent her working, or one of the children has a disability?

There could be any number of reasons why Op isn't at work - it may not even be her decision - and when she says the MIL was 'frequently here at ours' - I am guessing that OP was usually the one looking after her, not the DH.

I too think him making a unilateral decision without any discussion is selfish. Yes it is his inheritance, to do with what he likes, but if he suddenly dies or has a stroke, she will have to pick up the pieces. At that point they might be one of the needy cases who needs help from a charity!

"my DH was round there tending to her every day" - he's the one (according to the original post) who has done the looking after, and you really are projecting massively with all the usual BINGO! suggestions - I suspect disabled children would have been mentioned long before page 12 in this scenario.

Kath well put she did spend the last 10 years looking after her while he was working. She didn't have time to consider other options like go back to college or get a job if she wanted to. She gave up 10 years of her life to care for his mother. If anyone on this thread has worked in care then you would know that she would have helped her to bathe herself, help her dress, help her to eat if she needed it. She may have taken responsibility for her medication so she can have on time. It is a job in itself once a woman twice a child they say. It must be a kick in the teeth for you're husband to make a decision on his own after all that input I wouldn't be happy continuing with a marriage that treats you like a dogs body.

Jane who went out to work and do you think his mother would have been comfortable having her son bathe her. She did post that she was round her house quite often.

I think HyacinthFuckit makes some really excellent points.

Jane - yes she did say he went around there, but she also said MIL was at theirs a lot. I dont believe these visits to their house were only ever in the evening when DH was home. And as sunshine pointed out, some things cant always happen in the evening, eg Doctors appts, prescriptions, maybe going shopping. I have done them all for my mum when she was ill (from 70 miles away) and know that not everything can be done in an evening!

No one knows what their family life is like, but when people are saying get a job instead of asking for his money, there are many reasons why she may not have worked. And his mum or him not wanting her to have independance may or may not be included in those reasons.

Since joining mumsnet I have been utterly utterly shocked about how controlling some partners are, in all areas of life. I am not saying that is what her DH is like, but it is a possibility.

It's HIS money, not marital assets. Inheritance is not treated as a marital asset. Good on him for wanting to do some good with it although I can understand your frustration with him for not discussing it first but I think the unilateral decision is a separate issue to thinking that an inheritance is to be automatically treated as joint money. His mother left it to him - not to him and his children and not to him and his wife.

sunshine here's the difference - I've been relying on what the OP has typed in this thread (which clearly states her husband visited his mother daily to sort her out) and failed to project any infirmities / ailments and care schedule that required the OP to bathe her mother in law ever and therefore prevented her from working in 17 years. Silly of me not to guess that must be the situation! You're totally projecting - she's only posted three times on this thread, read her posts. Her objection is not that she feels she's "earned" money by looknig after her mother in law (which is what you're inventing), but that her grief stricken husband has made a significant decision of major impact without discussing it, and that she'd like her children (his stepsons) to inherit, while her husband doesn't believe in inherited wealth, and that she has a lot of repairs to do on her house.

While he was working who was looking after his mother was it the cat. I have worked with old people old age is not kind. When my mother looked after my Dads mum it was her doing the care. Helping her in and out of the bath who wants there son doing that. They don't allow men to bathe women in old peoples home because of how they feel about it. Although the op has not posted enough you have to use some common sense.

My common sense says that lots of people post on MN nowadays with provocative and emotional stories. They can't all be true.