Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

[Drizl]

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

The op is grieving too, she lost her MIL.

Hyacinth makes a good point. What if you - or one of your children - were to become ill or injured and need expensive care? Or become reliant on the state? What if you have GDC that need extra assistance? I think it would be very hard to not be able to help loved ones down the line because of a rash decision.

Suggest you lock it away in a maturing bond or similar for a while - years probably. I strongly suspect when grief is less raw the mundanity of paying a mortgage he doesn't need to be paying will change his mind.

Am so glad some of the later postings are more sympathetic to the husband who's behaving out of character, and who has just lost his mum, whom he seems to have been very close to. (And how does giving the money away equate to not treating the DC equally.)

I think we just don't know enough about the whole situation, really. There are just so many possibilities here.

For example, the OP says they are "moderately well off". That's what multimillionaires often seem to say when they're interviewed. On the other hand, maybe DH wants to secrete the money away in case of divorce. Either scenario might be true, or the husband might just need some support dealing with his grief.

The op is grieving too, she lost her MIL.
But the OP doesn't really reflect grief, or understanding of how her husband might be feeling, even though he's behaving totally out of character.

He's grieving. His mother wanted him to have the money, not charity, otherwise she'd have made her will differently.

Would he consider putting the money into an account for 12 months to ensure that giving it to charity would be the right decision? A lot can happen in a year.

I have firsthand experience of some of the biggest charities in the country. I subsequently cancelled my direct debits to all of them. The waste is shocking. I would be angry at the money going to WASTE as much as anything.

I think your husband is grieving. I think he feels guilty about the idea of 'benefiting' from your mil's death. It is an overwhelming burden. What best to do with the money? I can see how he has arrived at charity.

It would be more effective if he used it to create time to DO things for charities. Volunteer at food banks. Drive for a local hospice.

But whatever. I think you should try and persuade him not to make a hasty decision. Invest it for 18 months. If he still feels the same way when the raw grief passes, then you will support him. I don't see what else you can do. Either support him, or leave him. Not for the money, but because you can't get past his... idiocy?

My condolences on your loss.

I have to say, DH has had a couple of inheritances (5 figures) and what he has done with it has been his decision. Likewise, in time, if I inherit anything from my Dm, I would consider it my money. Not to say that we haven't /wouldn't spend money on the house, children etc, but ultimately that person's decision. I could never consider his inheritance "my" money.

I was wondering if you would be able to work? With another full time salary you could pay off your mortgage much quicker, plus save for repairs. Of course I appreciate you may have health issues preventing you from doing so, but if you can, this would give you a lot more security in your financial situation, and perhaps you wouldn't view his inheritance as a "way out" of the house issues.

With regards to money to the children, and hi potential differing feelings towards the children, what does it state in your wills?

These things usually take some time to resolve, so give him time, allow him to grieve, and keep the communication open.

The op is grieving too, she lost her MIL

Possibly, but there is no real indication of that in her posts. And certainly for most (not all) people the experience of losing their mother is a world away losing their MIL.

You are a full time housewife? Then it is reasonable to expect that he sets up some insurance for you so that you are financially provided for in case of divorce. Nothing to do with the inheritance, he can do this out of the money he earns, but if you don't have a pension to look forward to in your own name, he ought to provide for you - many women rely on the promise that the marriage will never end, but often, it does.

His intentions are noble, but he ought to be aware that members of his own family could become charity cases, too. And I'm afraid he cannot single handedly change the world into a place where everyone has enough money.

Has he told you what charity he wants to give the money to?

I don't think anybody is seriously suggesting she divorce her husband.

Clearly, this is a very emotional time and both OP and her husband are grieving and perhaps not behaving/thinking as they ordinarily would. I remember seeing the world and everything in it very differently for some time after my step-mother died. Like others have described, it was almost a temporary madness. Part of the process though.

However, I don't think the value of the estate is actually the issue. I would be very confused and hurt if my DP made such a life-changing decision unilaterally. One half of a couple wouldn't unilaterally decide which family home to buy or take a significant pay cut to change career. I think of my family as a team - it would undermine that totally if either of us made a decision with such wide-reaching implications without any discussion. That's not an unreasonable expectation, surely?

Regardless, I agree with PPs that it's the grief talking. Sad situation and my condolences to you both.

Awful to see that some posters would throw away what was apparently a good and relatively long lasting marriage at the mere sniff of an opportunity to get their grubby mitts on a mere £50k (at most) of money built up by their partner's family. Is that all a marriage is worth to some people? Fuck that, I'm not putting a price on mine.

It was an unexpected windfall and if it was all given away they would be precisely no worse off than they are today. I think this reveals different attitudes to money. Like how for some people losing a winning lottery ticket would drive them mad with dispair at the thought of what could have been, whereas others would think that they may not have gained, but they hadn't really lost either. Which type of person would lead the happier life?

It sounds like it may have been better if he'd never inherited at all, then OP would be in exactly the same place as they are now, only more content as they wouldn't be plagued with thoughts of sudden six figure windfalls.

Having said all that the advice not to make big decisions in the first throws of grief is very sound, so hopefully he won't do anything for a good while.

He sounds lovely, actually. 'Divorce him & get half the share' - what kind of a miserable person would think that?

Look, I am sure there are plenty of very wealthy people with no money worries, but most people I know have just enough to cover the bills and a small bit left over if they are lucky.
Lots of marriages go through hard times with serious money worries, but you are in it together, and sometimes a struggle can make a couple even closer afterwards because they were IN IT TOGETHER.

If my dh gave away a half million to a possibly currupt charity, leaving us still in debt then every time a bill came in the door or we were stressed financially for the rest of our life, I would be angry with him for what he did. It's not about the money, the poor man is in grief, but he needs to put the money away for a year and calm down or he won't be able to undo the damage he is about to do.

Op I am sorry for you and your husbands loss, I am sure your mil never intended to cause such a wedge between you with this money. I hope ye can work it out together.

He's not thinking straight right now - this situation calls for calmness & time. I am really quite astonished at the 'divorce him' comments though. Are people really so disloyal & mercenary?

If you are legally married, it is legally half yours because any monies made on the duration of the marriage is a marital asset.

I inherited a substantial amount of money from my parents. Well, it seemed substantial at the time, and we put it to good use. (after discussion with my DH. We're a partnership. It's what you do).

For various reasons we're in need a bit again now, but that's just tough.

My point is, the OP's DH has no idea what the future holds and this is his chance to help safeguard it. And to make any big decision like this unilaterally is wrong in a 22-year marriage.

not true, sleepdeprived, inheritances are more complex especially if no dependant children.

I'd be fuming that 'The Man' had decided to make such a huge decision without consulting the 'little woman' at home. That's what this smacks of given he refuses to even discuss it.

I'd struggle to get past it tbh. Not because I'd want to divorce him to get past, but I'd struggle to be with someone who didn't want to make our lives a bit easier (what if something happens to him and he cannot work? Mortgage paid off would lessen the pressure) and who didn't want to help his children. I'd give anything to be in a position to help my children when they are older but this is unlikely.

Poor MIL probably thought she was seeing her child set up and now he's going to just give it away! I do donate to charity as and when but I wouldn't necessarily trust where all the money would end up. I think a lot gets spent on managers, rent and overheads etc before the actual charity sees any.

He is being very generous. I can see why you're annoyed as I would certainly not be! However, I do think it is his money, it's his inheritance to do with what he likes so you have to just suck it up.

Encourage him to wait a year or at least some months to think about the best thing to do with it, which charity, etc. Charities often say they prefer regular monthly donations so they can plan work, rather than unexpected lump sums. Also recommend seeing a financial adviser to discuss security for the whole family - as someone said upthread, if he needed care in the next few years it could be seen as deprivation of capital and you'd need to fund it yourselves.

No she doesn't have to suck anything! I think he is about to do irreversible damage to his marriage if he does this solo.

we've always taken the view that money inherited by a particular person is theirs to do with as they wish. I'd be cross and grumpy about it, honestly, but given the ages of your DC, you're in a position to work now and earn money to pay for house improvements/paying off your mortgage faster, aren't you?

Wow, I am very shocked at the replies I read. The man is trying to do a noble thing. Morally speaking he should be entitled to decide what he wants to do with his mother's money and surely giving it to charity is a better way to honour her memory than go towards a mortgage?! Also what kind of satisfaction would anyone personally get if their house was bought off with someone else's money?
As for divorcing him in time to get half of the money...you can't be serious!?

Funnily there was a similar thread recently but the other way around (woman had inherited the money) and the answers were a tad different...

Not true sleep deprived. The inheritance belongs legally to the op's DH

"Also what kind of satisfaction would anyone personally get if their house was bought off with someone else's money?"

Seriously?!!! Why loads of satisfaction actually!! Money from my DM's estate paid off our mortgage and it was hugely satisfying. Doubly so because I know it is exactly what DM would have wanted.