DH has given me an ultimatum

[Memyselfandthatotherperson]

Things have been been difficult for a while and these are old issues but last night DH gave me an ultimatum. Either we start having a lot more sex or he leaves.

We're generally once a week, although less lately as I'm 20 weeks pg and having pains plus general exhaustion from working FT and 3yo dc. His libedo is higher than mine and wants every other day.

This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship and he's said it's my choice to make now.
Wwyd?
Tia.

For better or worse eh. Started reading this thread this am hadn't had a chance to wade in yet. Hope you are ok op
Your dh is an entitled arse. It's the sort of comment my exh though was totally reasonable - no divorce regrets whatsoever and it's amazing what no pressure does for your libido! Stay strong x

Why would he want to have sex with you, knowing that you don't want to? Can't be very enjoyable surely.

I'd feel like a raging pervert/sex pest if I basically threatened dp into sex four times a week??!!!!

what memoires said

Thought i had written a fairly short and to the point reply, but Memoires said it better. So sorry for you facing this OP, hope you get something sorted soon.

I've just finished reading through the posts. Thank you all. Pretty unanimous.
Had another talk argument earlier. He's said he feels frustrated, trapped and I've forced him to be in a marriage without intimacy (code word sex for him).
It's true we're not intimate in other ways as much as either of us would like. I think I have lower expectations for how much of this people get in this situation (work, kids etc).
He said the sex wouldn't be such an issue if it wasn't for my anxiety, which I've had most of my life. So I can either fix the anxiety or fix the sex. It's my choice.
If I'm in pain I should choose to do other things - like bj's without condoms (which is one thing I told him I don't want to do). When we have sex it needs to be good (code word me in lingerie and make him believe I'm enjoying it).
Now I'm sad again.
I don't know what's going to happen next. Apologies if I don't reply, feeling a little miserable.

Thank you.

He sounds like a horrible bastard. The belief that if you're in pain you should do something you've specifically said you don't want to do is particularly hideous.

I honestly don't know what to say OP. You deserve so much better than this.

It's not logical that this morning the problem was the frequency of sex but this afternoon the frequency of sex issue can be resolved by you magically healing your anxiety. So is the sex important or not? Is the anxiety important or not?

The fact that he has seriously suggested you could perform a blow job whilst in pain is utterly despicable. He is clearly setting you up to end the marriage so he can play the victim.

I would reply as Arfanarf has said:

If you want to leave your pregnant wife and break up your family because you are only having sex once a week then that is your choice. Do not attempt to make me responsible for your choice. I am pregnant and I am exhausted and I do not have the energy to worship your dick nightly. If your penis matters more to you than your pregnant wife and child, then choose to go. That's fine. But it will be your choice, not mine.

I am not surprised you are sad.

Your H has basically just shat all over you, your feelings and love life.

He basically doesn't care if you like and enjoy as long as you perform for him.

And he makes no allowances for any pain, tiredness etc you are going through right now.

Selfish pig.

If you're in pain you should be giving him
bjs? Does he realise you're his wife?
Is your 3yo a girl? Ask him how he'd feel if a man spoke to her this way in 30 years time!
What an arse hole

I knew this would be about sex from the title.

Sex means you pleasuring him?

Good sex means him getting what he wants?

How often do you actually enjoy the sex you have?

What's the anxiety about? Is it about sex or something else?

So he's using your anxiety as a way of coercing you to have sex....WTAF!

He wants you to give him a blow job....when you are in pain...there are no words.

This is not normal.

Good god he sounds vile and emotionally abusive. Get rid. You won't regret it.

Memyselfandthatotherperson

These types of realisations can be an horrific shock. Be kind to yourself, whatever you chose to do. Do you have someone IRL you can talk to about this? For example, your midwife will be sensitive to these types of issues. Or your GP, or a trusted friend? Otherwise, there are helplines that you can call, just to talk things through.

This is the most revolting thing I've read - he's a hideous nasty bastard who doesn't deserve you or your children. Let him leave and see that the grass isn't greener and you will be so much happier (and probably anxiety free) for it.

Sweetheart you know what you need to do

I'd kick him out! What an incredibly insensitive tool! You deserve better OP

What a complete and utter bastard

All I hear is me me me me me me me

You're better off without him

Wow, he gets worse and worse. I think there is only one option (well if it were me there is) and that's to tell him to leave. He cannot seriously be using your anxiety as blackmail against you. He is horrendous.

Good God. I was expecting you to say you have sex once every six months or something.

He's getting it once a week, you are 20 weeks and running around after a three year old and he feels hard done by if he doesn't have sex several times a week? What the fuck is his problem? Jeez. How unrealistic and entitled can you get?

You poor thing op :(

Your DH is basically a rapist. Who could get a hard on and want a bj knowing their partner was a. In pain and b. Didn't want to??

This must be so hard for you, do you have any support in real life? Have you told him he basically wants to rape you?

The only thing that needs fixing with this dickhead is a condom fixed permanently on his head.

Sorry just had to get that out there.

Sweetheart, he's abusing you emotionally. He chose to marry you and have children with you. No one held a gun to his head. You are worth so much more. Love yourself, love your babies and be the person you want to be.

It's all about him isn't it?

His wants his needs his solutions.

Guaranteed your anxiety would improve without this chain around your neck.

What do you want to happen next? Bearing in mind that he won't change and expects everything of you and nothing of himself.

Christ he sounds like a reet bellend. I'm sorry man I don't see how to process this stuff and stay together. You're going to end up hating his guts.

'Sex wouldn't be such an issue if it wasn't for your anxiety'- what does that even mean? It makes no sense! He would be happy with less sex if you was less anxious?
Basically, he is trying to make you believe that no matter what, YOU are the cause of all issues! What a bastard. If not sex then it's your anxiety, if not anxiety then it will be something else! The bastard picked a fine time (you're vulnerable) to tell you that 'listen, you WILL do as i say or else i walk'. What a shitface. 'You WILL give me blowjobs when in pain and when WILL look damn pleased when servicing me. Because that's what I want'. I hate him on your behalf.
I think you really need to ring Woman's Aid and talk to someone about this.