DH has given me an ultimatum

[Memyselfandthatotherperson]

Things have been been difficult for a while and these are old issues but last night DH gave me an ultimatum. Either we start having a lot more sex or he leaves.

We're generally once a week, although less lately as I'm 20 weeks pg and having pains plus general exhaustion from working FT and 3yo dc. His libedo is higher than mine and wants every other day.

This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship and he's said it's my choice to make now.
Wwyd?
Tia.

Actually the more I think about this the more angry I feel on your behalf just kick the bullying abusive bastard out now and let everyone know why

Sorry this is so negative OP; hope you have some support in real life, can take some time off work or get childcare to give you a chance to deal with the mindfuckery.

If you give in to his ultimatum now at 20 weeks then what is going to happen at 30 weeks? Or at term? Or one month after the birth?

Are you going to force yourself on no sleep, leaky boobs, still healing etc? Does he come first if the baby needs dealing with? Or the toddler?

If you are not up for it then he may just walk at a later date.

What sort of a man thinks he has the right to force through coercion his needs on another human being?

Where is the love, caring or compassion?

Let him walk now. Save yourself from this future with this man.

Does the ultimatum include having sex while you are in pain??

Does he actually demand that? Sex that will hurt you?

I'd be asking him if he feels that's an acceptable thing to want from a person you are supposed to love and cherish....

And did he ask what you wanted? Nothing sexier than a pouty spoiled little brat pulling on his penis to get his own way is there?

It would turn me completely frigid the thought of having sex with a man child like that....

psychedelicsheep. Ugh. You poor thing.

This is where your relationship is going op.

Maybe you should give your DH this thread to read.

My DH would have sex every day morning noon and night. He gets it a couple of times a week on average. When I was pg with DC1 we stopped at 3/4 months. We resumed when baby was 4.5 months old. At no point was I made to feel I should be doing it.

At non pregnant times he has become frustrated and we've argued. He has been told to fuck off on more than one occasion and go find someone who meets all his needs if he thinks that sex is all there is to a relationship. Funnily enough he never has.

And just as an aside, there are quite a few men who don't realise that the law changed and marriage doesn't give them the right to our bodies and that marital rape is a thing.

I'd chuck him. He's prepared to have sex with you while unwilling and in pain...that's a piss poor husband and an even worse person.

Will he tell your children 'sorry but daddy had to leave mummy because she wouldn't agree to letting him rape her?'

What's he going to be like for the six weeks afterbirth? What was he like for your other dc?

I didn't have sex or any kind of foreplay with dh for over 5 months because I had such bad morning sickness. Not once did he say anything, he was just concerned for me and the baby. Likewise when he was signed off work for an operation two years ago I didn't pester or whine during a half year of healing!

And congratulations on your pregnancy. I bet your DC is looking forward to having a brother or a sister. Look after yourself

Thank you, it wasn't nice but it was a long time ago. In hindsight, exh was only 27 at the time and pretty immature and selfish. If like to think he's grown up a bit now but he's not my problem anymore! He ended up having an affair with his best friends girlfriend, a few years after that who's he's still with now, I had a thread about it at the time actually.

OP does your H behave in a selfish and immature way in other areas too? It's a pretty clear indication of a certain type of entitled mindset.

I'm 30 weeks and DH and I have had sex ONCE since I got a positive opk. Dealing with toddler night wakings, busy workloads and more recently my sheer exhaustion and hip pain put paid to sex. He's fine with it.

Your OH is a prick and I recommend you kick him to the kerb.

Don't give this thread to your h to read. Stupid advice. He isn't going to change his mindset on the basis of strangers comments when he doesn't care about his wife who he is supposed to love.

During my 4 pregnancies (two didn't make it) we did not have sex once and not again for at least 4 months afterwards

So that is twice my has gone without PIV for at least a year

A year. It wasn't his choice of course but he never complained and he never pressurised. Now my difficult pregnancies and toddler wrangling are a distant memory our sex life has gone from strength to strength but only because he knew when to back off and wait until I was ready

That's what caring, mature, emotionally astute men who respect women do.

My h

Try asking him to try to imagine how he would feel if you gave him this sort of ultimatum when he was exhausted and ill.

In all honesty I'd burst into hysterical laughter and then pack his bag. Byeeee! He sounds like a massive prick.

I'm sorry he's said this. It's an awful thing to do. I hope you know you deserve better than this. By posting here at least I hope you have picked that up.

His behaviour towards you in asking this - especially while you are carrying his baby - is appalling. I've never used this phrase before, but he really should be ashamed of himself.

Tell him no, and that he's free to go. The alternative is submitting to unwanted sex. Which is rape on a long-term basis.

What a horrid thing to be coping with when you already have so much on your plate. Is there someone like your mum or sister/best friend you can talk this through with?? You can't shoulder this on your own.

My DH has a massively high sex drive. We have 4 DC, there've been numerous prolonged dry spells with pregnancies, night wakings, breastfeeding and all the rest. When he's initiated and I say no he doesn't sulk or grumble or issue wanky ultimatums. Your DH does not have the right to dictate what you should be doing with your body.

For me this would mark the beginning of the end. I would get the rage when I contemplated every having sex with him again.

If he can't cope now how is he going to manage with no sex for up to 6 weeks during post partum bleeding?

What a prick.

Similar to AF, my DP and I had a drought from when I was 5 weeks pregnant right up until about 5 months post partum - so well over a year of celibacy. We had lots of love and affection all the way through so we still had a form of intimacy but at different stages one or both of us felt wary about doing the deed. And the other was perfectly ok about it. Neither of us would want it when the other wasn't in the mood.

Please think about this carefully and please don't set yourself up to be a servant to his needs. You are worth so much more.

I don't think I could put it any better than Arfarfanarf - "If you want to leave your pregnant wife and break up your family because you are only having sex once a week then that is your choice. Do not attempt to make me responsible for your choice. I am pregnant and I am exhausted and I do not have the energy to worship your dick nightly. If your penis matters more to you than your pregnant wife and child, then choose to go. That's fine. But it will be your choice, not mine."

Fwiw, dh and I have very different libidos - thanks to depression, I have almost none, and he has a pretty normal one (as far as I know). We have fought about it, cried about it, and talked about it, and we have found a solution that we can both live with, and be happy with. He would not dream of giving me an ultimatum.

I would be confronting this guy with the reality of what he is doing.

"You are trying to coerce me into sex. That is what your ultimatum is for - to force me to have sex I don't want. Think about that for a moment.

Forcing someone to have sex against their will is rape. Are you a rapist?"

That's emotional and sexual abuse imo.

Revolting specimen.

bloody hell OP, he is lucky to be getting it once a week with a toddler and you working FT!

He's an idiot. As others have said, we had droughts in our house around pregnancy and birth. After dc1 I wouldn't let him near me until 6 months as I didn't heal well. He didn't mind, because he loved me.

Now our kids are older it has picked up a lot. When we got up to once a week I thought we were doing really well. Dh thinks he has won the lottery!

sorry, but

For ultimatum I read 'threat'.
He is not emotionally present in the relationship, he sees you as an object for his gratification. Where is the love?
I'm really sorry OP. Your chances of future happiness with him look bleak. He's a bully. What a dreadful thing to say, particularly when you are pregnant.

whoops

sorry but he is being emotionally abusive.