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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has given me an ultimatum

311 replies

Memyselfandthatotherperson · 06/09/2016 06:28

Things have been been difficult for a while and these are old issues but last night DH gave me an ultimatum. Either we start having a lot more sex or he leaves.

We're generally once a week, although less lately as I'm 20 weeks pg and having pains plus general exhaustion from working FT and 3yo dc. His libedo is higher than mine and wants every other day.

This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship and he's said it's my choice to make now.
Wwyd?
Tia.

OP posts:
Bubbinsmakesthree · 06/09/2016 08:39

Lazydog

I'm sorry - I know you're only trying to play devil's advocate here - but working through a mismatched libido is something you do with a partner who's expressed unhappiness with your sex life. Even to the point of them saying it's not something they feel they can cope with long term, and so they want to find a mutual solution

If it is indeed as simple as the OP's partner trying to coerce her into sex by threatening to walk out and leave her (whilst bringing up their child and heavily pregnant, no less) then I absolutely join the chorus of "LTB".

There's not masses of information in the original post, we don't know the context, we don't know how much they've discussed this before and whether the conversation was along the lines of "I can't go on like this" or "give me more sex or I walk".

I'm absolutely not condoning using an ultimatum to demand more sex, that is despicable.

Curviest · 06/09/2016 08:40

Also, like Messedup I worry about where this leads to.

ALL ultimatums are power struggles. He sees you vulnerable, you need him and his income. He sees his power and decides to abuse it.

If you give in now, what next? Oral every morning or I walk? Anal or I walk?

You HAVE to call his bluff.

And if he leaves, well, who wants to be married to someone who would issue such an ultimatum, anyway?

Figgygal · 06/09/2016 08:43

Id tell him where to go too I'm 8 months pregnant it's been probably 3 months since we last dtd how would he cope with that?

Things won't get better

What a pig!!

ParkingLottie · 06/09/2016 08:45

There is no 'good' solution to that ultimatum, is there?
Either he is having sex with you under duress, which can't be good for either of you, or he leaves.

Would you like to be feeling more like sex?

To repair this, IF you feel love for him and want things to be different, he will have to back right off. Start with sex free love and affection, help you with your 3 year old, support you to be less tired, and wait for you to feel you would like to resume a sexual relationship.

Generally I think it is important to make time and capacity to prioritise something of a sex life, but your DH's approach is the very worst possible.

blushrush · 06/09/2016 08:46

I cannot get over how unbelievably selfish this man is. You are carrying a child the two of you created and he has absolutely no regard for your well-being - only his own satisfaction.

As hard as it may be to do, you need to call his bluff. He needs to realise that his stupid and selfish threat will cost him everything - you, the family you have created, and your home together.

plutoisnotaplanet · 06/09/2016 08:47

I'd be helping the cuntmuffin pack...

Then I'd treat myself to Cake Chocolate and a hot bath and reflect on what a fabulous thing I just did for my future self and my kids.

Flowers for you OP, your "D"P just said "Let me rape you or I'm leaving you pregnant and alone", you need to come to terms with that and try not to minimize it, this is not a good man.

LadyMoth · 06/09/2016 08:51

Urgh how awful. I couldn't have sex with him again anyway after him expressing that attitude. He sees you like a product he got from a shop, you're just not doing what you were supposed to and providing him with sex on tap, so you get fixed or get traded in. That would be appalling anyway, but when you're pregnant, have a 3yo and work it beggars belief.

"This is obv very important to him as part of a loving relationship"
No, a loving relationship is not what you have there. He isn't loving if he could say that to you.

So from me it would be a "bye then". And yes as a PP said, when people ask what happened, tell them the unvarnished truth.

CheesyWeez · 06/09/2016 08:51

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

You can turn the choice back to him. He is not allowed sex when you don't consent, by LAW, by you, and by the opinion of any reasonable person.

So unless you initiate it: no sex. Otherwise you could legitimately call the police, fgs!

Other posters have said "Pack his bags," "talk to Women's aid", I agree with that. Be alert now. The first time he tries to force you, the marriage is over and he is free to leave. I would think he wants to leave but wants it to be your "fault". It is his behaviour which is terrible, illegal even.
Look into your position now re. benefits, housing, how you will take the next step.

Every other day when you don't want to? How will that be a loving relationship? Confused

Flowers Brew

Desmondo2016 · 06/09/2016 08:57

Out of all the posts I've ever seen on here that have made me gasp with a side of WTAF.... this one has actually made me feel not incensed than any of them. You poor poor thing OP, and so sad that he's got you so under his control that you didn't even realise what you were posting was as ridiculous as it is. I'm not one for LTB and at 20 weeks pregnant I'm guessing it's not exactly what you want to do, but you HAVE to tell him he's bang out of order and if he isn't prepared to take a long hard look at himself and then spend the rest of eternity making it up to you then he needs to pack his bags. You poor poor thing.

Desmondo2016 · 06/09/2016 08:58

'More incensed' not ' not incensed'

Memoires · 06/09/2016 09:00

He wants more fucks, eh? Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he gets there to fuck off some more. Maybe he'll have enough fucks then?

LadyMoth · 06/09/2016 09:04

Or what memoires said :o

JudyCoolibar · 06/09/2016 09:04

Give him a counter-ultimatum. Start thinking with his brains instead of his dick; have a think about what it might be like to grow a human being inside you on top of working full time and looking after a toddler ,and contemplate the possibility that you could be exhausted; do something to help with that exhaustion, including looking after the toddler and a doing large proportion of housework and shopping; acknowledge that that is what is very important as part of a loving relationship; and agree that his demand was the demand of an arsehole. Tell him that if that doesn't happen, he has to leave.

MammouthTask · 06/09/2016 09:05

What would I do?

I would tell him to leave NOW.

It's not that you are not having sex at all. You are, once a week.
You are pg and have some pains and tired.
From that one post, it seems that you are the one on charge of your 3yo with little help from your DH too.

Oh and yes, he thought that the best time to put an ultimatum like this was when you are pregnant... I assume he also expects you to carry on like this up to the birth, regardless of how you feel and then just after giving birth too, regardless of how sore you are?

Fuck that.

He has no respect for you whatsoever. He is treating you like a piece of meat that should just bow to his wants (not needs. Having sex every other day isn't a need. It's a want). he is expecting you to lie down 'and think of England', even if you don't want to have sex with him. Because really, what sort of sex do you think he will get?

And btw, 'making you' having sex with him by way of coercive methods such as issuing an ultimatum like this when you are pg with his child (and therefore vulnerable) would be close to rape in my books... Has he ever thought about that?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/09/2016 09:07

WWYD?

I'd do what most other posters here would - tell him to fuck off then and don't let the door hit his arse on the way out. But I certainly wouldn't be offering to help him pack at 20w pg and with a 3yo as well (Might let the 3yo help pack...)

What an outrageously selfish bastard he is.

My DH may have many faults, but he has never ever pressured me for sex; I have next to no libido now, after 2 DC and one being only 3 - I'm too tired and too fed up of being mauled around by the 3yo all day! We don't do it even as often as once a week, but if DH gave me ANY kind of ultimatum, I'd call his bluff and tell him to fuck off then.
He won't do that, because a) he's not a selfish powermongery bastard, and b) he actually loves me.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/09/2016 09:09

I'd like to offer Thanks to Messedup as well - what an utter shitbastard yours was too :(

ravenmum · 06/09/2016 09:10

Like others I don't see how this could end up with him staying, now that he's said he wants to have sex with you whether you want it or not (to put it mildly; "marital rape" is indeed another term for that). Once that is in the air, how could you ever want to have sex with him again?

MammouthTask · 06/09/2016 09:11

Btw, sex is part of a loving relationship but sex every other day is NOT.

He is trying to make it that if you don't force yourself to have sex with him every other day then it means you aren't loving him enough.

Please don't fall into that because it's nowhere near the truth.

In a loving relationship, the partner with the higher libido will make do and support their partner who is pregnant/exhausted/in pain. That would mean looking after said 3yo, letting them say when they are keen on sex rather than pestering. That means checking with them what's the reason for the pain and if it's OK to have sex in those circumstances etc etc.
It doesn't mean putting pressure on them to have more sex when they don't want to and make them feel repsonsible for it.

Fidelia · 06/09/2016 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PsychedelicSheep · 06/09/2016 09:12

My exh did something similar. I was 8 months pg, had a 2.5 year old, we were staying at a friends while our house was being extended and I was in the middle of the finals of my undergrad degree. Stressed is not the word.

I remember we out for a Chinese and he told me in the restaurant that he'd basically had offers from other girls and was tempted and i had better start putting out more if I knew what was good. Not in those words but that was the gist. I sobbed in the restaurant in front of everyone and he got pissy.

Then when we went to bed I remember we had sex. I felt like it was the right thing to at the time, I didn't feel coerced but I didn't feel great. It was a few years before we did split up but it definitely made me see him differently and lose respect for him. We get on well these days and I think if I ever brought that up he'd be ashamed tbh. I've never forgotten it though.

Soubriquet · 06/09/2016 09:14

I've just told my Dh who has a high sex drive

He called him fucking pathetic

Kick him out OP

If he can't respect your body and your choices, what good is he?

PapaverSomniferum · 06/09/2016 09:26

It'll only get worse if he's pressuring you whilst pregnant. What about when you've got two small children, are exhausted, need support and someone to pull their weight and be considerate to your needs? Does is seem that he'll be doing that? Or will he he be constantly pressuring you for sex like a randy dog, and sulking like a petulant teenager if you can't 'fulfil his needs'?

What's he like the rest of the time? I'm betting he's a selfish prick in other ways, too?

Arfarfanarf · 06/09/2016 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 06/09/2016 09:48

Pyschedelicsheep - that is awful, what an utter bastard. Flowers

OP - I agree with Parkinglottie - IF this is about him wanting a 'loving relationship' then the way to do it is to back right off pressuring you for sex, create time and space where you can be close without it being about sex (massaging your aches and pains, slow dance round the living room) to recreate intimacy and eventually (but likely not until you're through the pregnancy and postnatal period) that could create the conditions where you might feel like more sex, and even without the sex create a closer relationship.

If he's not truly interested in a "loving relationship" and just wants sex on his terms, then he can fuck right off.

For what it is worth I went through a bad period when I lost interest in sex and either froze DH out altogether or was very disengaged and "putting up" with having sex. Horrible time for both of us and it threatened our whole relationship - it got into a vicious cycle where the more DH tried, the more pressure I felt under and it got to a point I felt repulsed by him even trying to touch me. We got past it by taking the pressure right off and reconnecting with each other in a way that wasn't about sex. If anything I now want more sex than he does!

Secretmetalfan · 06/09/2016 09:49

Is he addicted to sex? Is he a complete and utter twat in other ways? What would he do if you were medically advised not to have sex during your pregnancy. Tell him if he wants to save his marriage and probably respect from his kids he needs to act like a husband not someone who thinks its a good idea force someone to have sex against their wishes.if sex is more important to him than the happiness and welfare of his wife and children I would suggest getting a bin liner packing his shredded clothes and packing them and tell him to tattoo 'sex pest' across his forehead to warn everyone else what he is.