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Original poster

My brother doesn't give me what I want

396 replies

KellysZeros · 05/09/2016 23:27

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

OP posts:

BipBippadotta · 06/09/2016 12:06

OP, I think what's winding people up is your consistent framing of this as a situation where you have behaved impeccably and he has let you down - therefore you are in the right and he is in the wrong.

If you'd gone on to AIBU and said 'AIBU to feel hurt that my brother didn't come to my wedding?' You'd have had unanimous support. It is hurtful, clearly.

But somehow you haven't framed this as a whinge (which would be totally reasonable to do!), but a sustained argument about how well you've always behaved and how difficult he is and has always been. Which makes one wonder why you'd have wanted him at your wedding anyway, if he's the self-absorbed/damaged/difficult/angry/narcissistic arse you describe. And that makes it feel as though this is about point-scoring, or that some sort of principle is at stake, rather than that you feel genuine sadness that you don't get along.

Because you don't get along, if you have this much resentment for him. You don't like each other. Maybe if you can concede that, you might feel less hard done by and more like someone who's made a choice about the priority she's going to give in her life to someone she doesn't particularly like.

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 12:06

Instead of laying the blame with him for now look at the wider family dynamic. And your part in it as honestly as you can. Which, lets face it, we all have our own scripts running through our heads so bound to be difficult but more helpful to you than trying to 'fix' him as the source of the problem.

Your parents btw can't be that great not to acknowledge your hurt from the wedding snub with him. To bury it and carry on as if nothing happened is dysfunctional.

lasttimeround · 06/09/2016 12:08

Just because you think your life is going better than his doesn't mean he does. I don't know why you are comparing like this in the first place. Highly likely he knows your value scale and can guess at your judgements of him and his 'unhappiness' quite accurately. If I was him I'd stay away too.

lasttimeround · 06/09/2016 12:09

I don't really understand how you can't see that you keep framing him like this.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 06/09/2016 12:10

I think the problem was that your reasons for not thinking he was happy were all about you, or about things that happened twenty years ago. Ultimately, you seem to think he isn't happy because he visits his parents every week, threw some tantrums as a teenager, is not confident, does not take enough interest in you and didn't come to your wedding.

If he was genuinely unhappy you would probably be able to come up with an awful lot more than that and there wouldn't be the focus on how it makes you feel. Your anger about him not coming to the wedding has clouded the issue.

You need to think carefully about your reasons for believing he is unhappy. Try to remove yourself from it. Try not to attribute motives to his behaviour that you have no real way of knowing about. Look at the evidence as objectively as you can.

Then weigh how much of your anger and distress is down to you genuinely wanting to be close to him, you being upset that he's 'damaged' and you being mad that he has snubbed you, a confident, happy person who is accustomed to being liked and sees herself as 'unbroken' while he is 'broken'.

It is difficult for me to take your psychoanalysis seriously because if my brother was unhappy and I wanted perspectives on how to help him, I wouldn't have brought myself into it so much and would be genuinely thinking about him and how to do it. I wouldn't working on the basis that he's not giving me what I want (and this quickly degenerated to 'I don't like his behaviour'). On the other hand, if I was hurt and angry because he hadn't come to my wedding, I would have recognised that it was the time to own those feelings and how they might be affecting my behaviour to me (and thus negatively affecting the relationship), rather than pretend I was in a position to objectively analyse his 'issues'.

You seem too quick to say, 'Ah well, he's damaged, he won't have changed in the 20 years we haven't been sharing much, that means my behaviour will be above reproach and his will be all wrong, never mind - I can't do anything about it now but stew on the internet.'

DistanceCall · 06/09/2016 12:10

Children are not born "difficult". They become so for certain reasons. You and your family seem to have been very happy to stamp that label on him, and not wonder why on earth he behaves like that.

Batteriesallgone · 06/09/2016 12:11

He spends most weekends with your parents but yet they didn't feel brave enough to ask him why he wasn't coming to your wedding? Well if that IS true he sounds unstable tbh and I'd want him to keep his distance.

But yet it's also possible that your parents know he doesn't want to interact with you and have made their peace with that. What's interesting is that you are so unaware of that as a possibility.

From this thread you come across as self absorbed and quite selfish. It could be that you simply haven't / aren't listening to the family dynamic at all because you want to make it all about you. Who knows. There have been plenty of opportunities for reflection on this thread but you are more interested in rebuttals and restating your view of the situation.

If your interpretation and way of dealing with your brother is so correct, why are you so unhappy with the outcome...it feels like you are quite keen to perpetuate a dynamic of you being the victim here.

DistanceCall · 06/09/2016 12:11

Oh, and saying "my brother doesn't give me what I want" IS indicative of the dynamic. Of course it's your point of view. But you could have said "I'm worried about my brother", or "I miss my brother", or "wonder how to have a more affectionate relationship with my brother".

But no, it's all about what you want and your blameless, loveliest parents.

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 12:13

see that last post sounds like you wanted to rub his nose in it at your wedding.

I'm so great, my life is so great blah blah blah he only went to bournemouth 15 years ago. Do you think you're better than him because of that? because your circumstances appear to be slightly more affluent than his?

how can you possibly know he doesn't have any friends? He doesn't share his life with you other than pics of his kids.

I'm perplexed why you want a relationship with him. He's shit on the bottom of your shoe isn't he?

Lorelei76 · 06/09/2016 12:13

I'm mystified by the idea that the lack of interest in your life must be due to him being unhappy.

the other scenario is more likely - he is happy and fulfilled and doesn't feel the need for you in his life. Not asking questions might simply mean not interested.

you really come across as being "me me me" on this thread.

wilfthemilf · 06/09/2016 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 12:17

Lots to respond to. I don't think my life is going "better" than his, honestly, I don't. I do recognise that there was a dynamic. I was the first in my family to go to university and I do remember it was a big thing. Our parents would talk about my choices and I remember he was really resentful of it, of this focus being on me. I think I have a part in the dynamic.

I don't think I'm the victim, although I did feel a bit got at on this thread. I simply feel upset that my brother wasn't able to come to my wedding or even be happy for me to send me a nice message, which brought the issue to a head, which has made me wonder why we can't have a close relationship.

OP posts:

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 12:19

the dynamic isn't his fault.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2016 12:20

Your brother sounds as if he's perhaps put some pretty life limiting boundaries up as to what he can and cannot do to protect himself. I think that was your point on the Bournemouth holiday - it's not coming across like that at all btw. The boundaries are to protect himself. His lifestyle may be making him unhappy and we cannot know one way or the other. He also sounds as if he's got some narcissistic traits to help do so as well.

Bottom line. You have 2 choices
A) go on as you are
B) confront the situation and send him a message - a mailed letter would be best stating something about the situation. What dontshut said at 11.58 was pretty on the mark.

What are you going to do? This thread is getting pretty long now and you've had some great advice. You don't need to make a decision now btw.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 12:21

see that last post sounds like you wanted to rub his nose in it at your wedding.

Oh, you've got the same perception as him! My life isn't particularly affluent, but it reminds me a story I once heard an aunt say about an other aunt "she's just showing off buying bacon, she is".

If I go on holiday, is it showing off to even acknowledge it? I wanted to have some friends at our wedding. Is it arrogant? To him (and maybe to you) it is

I'm perplexed why you want a relationship with him. He's shit on the bottom of your shoe isn't he?

That's a bit of a chip you have

OP posts:

insan1tyscartching · 06/09/2016 12:27

It sounds like he didn't want to come more than he wasn't able to. It's quite possible that your parents know why he didn't want to come but haven't shared with you for fear of upsetting you further.
You can't have a relationship when the other person doesn't want it no matter how much you'd like differently. You could ask your parents if they see him regularly if you could visit when he's there. If they discourage you or your brother declines then I think you have your answer.

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 12:28

if you do write him a letter please please think about the words you use because judging by this thread you have no perception of how you come across.

you've blatantly made assumptions about him but when we question your assumptions you dig in and get stroppy.

The way you speak/write is a problem. The way you describe him is a problem. Assuming you wanted some sympathy which has largely been lacking for you on this thread, ask yourself why so many people are questioning your motives.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 12:28

Mummyoflittledragon

Yes, I think it is getting pretty long now. Yes, it is what I meant - the point about Bournemouth was not to belittle it or my brother, but to make the point to reduce his anxieties, he has limited his life, and coming to my wedding and hearing about my fantastic luxurious life(!) would be upsetting for him. And it is why I think he isn't really happy. And I love him and would like him to be happy. I will write to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 12:33

you've blatantly made assumptions about him but when we question your assumptions you dig in and get stroppy.

I'm aware it's difficult but I have known him all my life, so I think I am fairly entitled to make some assumptions about him, whereas if you've heard about him on an internet board indirectly, it's fine to suggest that perhaps our parents are narcissists.

I understand this is quite a sensitive issue and he may not be ready or willing to engage.

OP posts:

Batteriesallgone · 06/09/2016 12:34

Agree with Brass about how you come across in writing.

Also it seems odd for this to be framed this way now. I don't know. You must have known in advance he wasn't coming to your wedding. I could understand you saying in advance that you wanted him to come - understandable to be a bit 'all about you' when it's your wedding day. I think you would have been in your rights to ask him why he wasn't coming and have a big chat then.

But to accept he wasn't coming and then now be all 'oh he didn't do what I want^ is really quite victim-y. You waited until the fact of you being hurt couldn't be changed and then brought it up. Why?

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 12:37

I brought it up because although I was upset he wasn't coming, and I knew he wouldn't come, I'm even more upset that he couldn't send me a nice message. When I shared 3 pictures with him afterwards, (being worried it might be ramming it down his throat), he would reply "looks nice" and that's it. It was so clear he didn't want to come or even hear about it. Which has brought it to a head

OP posts:

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 12:39

Then he is in return sending me loads of photos of his daughter's first day at school. I'm upset thinking he wants me to know about his life, to acknowledge what is important to him, but not the other way around.

If he didn't contact me it would be ok. But to contact me a lot with his news and life and not to acknowledge mine is upsetting.

OP posts:

Lorelei76 · 06/09/2016 12:42

wow OP this gets worse and worse

so what, he doesn't go on holiday. I don't go away much often either. My sister goes abroad at least at twice a year. It's just a personal choice.

you sound like you think you are marvellous and you think he must be jealous of that. Again, maybe he just doesn't like you and that's okay - we all have to accept some people just don't like us.

it's interesting that you say if you could edit your title you'd change "want" to "would like".

it would then read "My brother won't give me what I would like".

Can you see what's wrong with that?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2016 12:42

Have you thought about talking it through with a counsellor? His self esteem you think seems as though it is bashed. Your self esteem seems to be getting pretty bashed by his behaviour as well.

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 12:42

I take it you don't have children yourself yet?

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