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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My brother doesn't give me what I want

396 replies

KellysZeros · 05/09/2016 23:27

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

OP posts:

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 06/09/2016 11:34

And when are you going to acknowledge your anger and resentment around all of this?

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 11:35

I do think he was a bit damaged growing up

just wow.

Damaged how? by what? by whom? did anyone ever care to find out? did you support him? did anyone support him? did YOU care? etc etc

what's that? You now want to have a closer relationship with him? ok good luck.

insan1tyscartching · 06/09/2016 11:35

Kelly your posts are very telling as to why he wouldn't want a relationship with you. It's all about what you want and how difficult, wrong, damaged your brother is to not want what you want.
You come across as lacking self awareness and empathy as well as being needy, demanding and conceited. No wonder he gives you a wide berth, it's most likely down to self preservation.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 06/09/2016 11:35

I agree, I do think he was a bit damaged growing up, but there isn't much I can really do about it, but accept it. It is sad though

^^^ that right there is why your coming across as wanky and disingenuous.

My brother went through shit when I left my mothers house. He was 'damaged'. When we finally met up years later I worked bloody hard to try to spend time talking to him, talking about how his life was now, showing an intrest in his new wife, texting him, calling him and inviting him to dinner. I did all that because I actually cared about him.

You just seem to want to click your fingers and him to be 'over his issues' and get back to being your brother. No wonder he can't be arsed with you.

I'm off the thread. Your posting style seems similar.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 11:37

Why does anyone have to be 'at fault', OP? Do you feel hard done by? What is it that you think your brother owes you?

I do feel a bit got it here, because in the thread it's clear that a narrative has been formed of my brother, the victim. Therefore if I'm upset he doesn't take an interest in me, then it must be my fault. Maybe I'm a narcissist. How selfish and entitled is it to hope your brother might come to your wedding, or to show some interest, when he messages me all the time with news about his children. I said at the start, I felt bad sending him 3 photos of the wedding as it might be ramming it down his throat.

OP posts:

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 11:39

You just seem to want to click your fingers and him to be 'over his issues' and get back to being your brother. No wonder he can't be arsed with you

Can't see how you got it from the thread, but never mind!

OP posts:

ravenmum · 06/09/2016 11:40

Ugh, what an accusatory thread. Mumsnet must be a narcissism magnet if all the people who've been labelled with the diagnosis on here really do suffer from this condition. Not sure if it's been a lot of help, but wish you all the best with your attempts to discuss things.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 06/09/2016 11:40

I think you're coming across badly because you're saying he's definitely damaged but you are the victim, do you see? He's apparently damaged (which you imply is no one's fault but possibly his own for being 'nuts') but you're far more concerned about the 'upset' his 'behaviour' has caused you. You seem to be using the word 'damage' but what you actually mean is a bad attitude.

So either he is damaged (in which case you are guilty of making it all about you when it should be all about him) or you're just mad at him for not being nice and liking you more. Think it through.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 11:42

It's all about what you want and how difficult, wrong, damaged your brother is to not want what you want. You come across as lacking self awareness and empathy as well as being needy, demanding and conceited.*

The problem here is that a narrative formed on this thread after a few posts - my brother was the victim, and I'm the bad person. And then I have to spend the time having to defend myself, and thinking about my poor brother.

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

BaronessEllaSaturday · 06/09/2016 11:42

As I said earlier it doesn't matter whether this is a GC/SG relationship or whether he is a narcissistic bully who only cares about himself. You can not make him be what you want him to be. You can talk to him but you can not make him listen or change. The only thing you can change is your reaction to the situation.

mumandgran61 · 06/09/2016 11:45

Maybe he is damaged because he was the scapegoat; maybe he's a self - absorbed guy who doesn't think about others; maybe he's just an ordinary guy who is really busy with his own life; maybe you're selfish wanting more than you can have; maybe you're selfless and see your brother hurting and want to help him. So many maybe scenarios, the only thing that seems to be fact is that you would like your relationship to be closer. But siblings don't have to be close and it would be better for you to accept the reality of the situation and get on with it. Don't waste your energy in thinking about what it 'should' be like or what he 'should' be doing.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 11:47

Ok, deep breath. This is a good post

I think you're coming across badly because you're saying he's definitely damaged but you are the victim, do you see? He's apparently damaged but you're far more concerned about the 'upset' his 'behaviour' has caused you. You seem to be using the word 'damage' but what you actually mean is a bad attitude

I'm very aware and have been from post 1 in thinking that the reason I think he is not able to ask anything about me is because I think he is unhappy. This thread was inspired because I was upset he didn't come to my wedding, but I'm aware, or least I suspect it is because he is unhappy. And if he were happy in himself, he would be able to ask me about my life, take an interest in me. So I'm very aware that actually, it is about him and not all about my needs.

OP posts:

WuTangFlan · 06/09/2016 11:47

I don't think there necessarily is the narrative of "my brother was the victim and I'm the bad person" - but you do seem to think in very black/white terms. You were the happy one, he was/is the unhappy one, you are easy/he is difficult. Your sense of self seems to be defined in contrast to him - do you have any areas of commonality?

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 11:48

We all pretty much agreed that snubbing your wedding was a hurtful thing to do. However it's just a symptom of your whole family dynamic over the course of your lives.

Rather than looking at yourself and your parents to see how you've got here you've conveniently dumped all the blame on his damaged need to be the centre of attention etc etc. Why not ask your parents why they didn't challenge him or why they are too scared to broach the subject. After all they are continuing a dysfunction by not pulling him up on it. If my children behaved like that I would ask what the problem was. Maybe they know something you don't? After all they spend an awful lot of time with him. Must be hurtful to you to think they play happy families every weekend without you and snubbing your wedding doesn't get a mention.

WuTangFlan · 06/09/2016 11:49

Wanting someone to be happy so they can take more interest in you is an... interesting way of looking at things.

mumandgran61 · 06/09/2016 11:49

I do agree with you that the narrative formed really quickly on this thread, but that was probably because you mentioned gc/scapegoat. That will have led to many people who have been damaged by these types of relationships to relate the thread to their situations. Don't worry about that reaction, just read the thoughts that people have and take the advice you think is suitable for your situation.

insan1tyscartching · 06/09/2016 11:51

Did you read why I send my sister updates on my dc? It's because I'm polite,I don't want to ignore the texts because she'd send more and more asking me why I hadn't replied. I don't want to say "look, I'm not interested in you or your life" because of any drama it might cause so I send updates on my dc a few days after she texts and then I don't hear from her again until next time. It's the path of least resistance.
Your brother probably has to consider your parents' feelings too so is playing along with the farce of sending you photos so that he can demonstrably prove he's not being horrible to you as he sends you photos of his children.
I think he's saying loud and clear I don't like you or want a relationship with you whilst keeping the peace with your parents. The pretence will most likely stop when they've gone and you'll probably not see him for dust as I foumd it so much easier to cut them out once there was no parental guilt heaped upon me.

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 11:53

why does not asking about you immediately mean that he's unhappy?

genuine question, I don't understand.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 11:54

Wanting someone to be happy so they can take more interest in you is an... interesting way of looking at things

That's a twisted way of interpreting it. What I meant was if he were happy in himself, he would be (I think) more willing to share in my life, but sharing in my life is not the ultimate goal just to make me happy.

OP posts:

idontlikealdi · 06/09/2016 11:55

Op you sound like my sister. It's very very hard to have a relationship with someone who can never admit they might possibly be wrong

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 06/09/2016 11:58

Blimey.
OP I think you're getting a hard time here. I think it was an unwise title and that, coupled with the words "golden child" and "difficult" have led to 2+2=968362.

I think you are collateral damage here actually. I think the issue is between your brother and your parents; who didn't dare ask him why he wasn't coming to his sister's wedding in case he got upset, despite seeing him every weekend? That's not a normal family dynamic.

For whatever reason, your brother is choosing his course and it's not a fair one. I think you can either try and sit down and have an open conversation along the lines of "John, can I be honest? It feels like you don't like me much. You didn't come to my wedding and it doesn't feel like you have much interest in my life. I love you and I'd like to have a closer relationship with my brother. Is that something we could talk about?" or else you just go away and accept it and rethink your "expectations".

Good luck OP.

brassbrass · 06/09/2016 11:59

What I meant was if he were happy in himself, he would be (I think) more willing to share in my life

I disagree. It doesn't mean he's unhappy it just means he's not showing any interest in your life.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 06/09/2016 12:00

What I meant was if he were happy in himself, he would be (I think) more willing to share in my life, not necessarily. It is possible that he is happy in himself and doesn't feel the need to bow down to expected norms just to keep others happy.

Original poster

KellysZeros · 06/09/2016 12:02

why does not asking about you immediately mean that he's unhappy?

Well, this is my interpretation. I think he is a bit resentful of the world. As a result, he has closed in on himself a bit. He doesn't have any real friends, has never really travelled, and I think the last time he went on holiday was to Bournemouth 15 years ago. I went to University, I live further away, have had a few holidays, etc. And I think he doesn't want to hear about my life, because it will upset him.

We both got married this year. He had been engaged for a long time and I got engaged a year ago and planned a date. Then he went ahead with his wedding. He had a small nice wedding with only immediate family. Our wedding wasn't some extravaganza, but we had our friends from school, work, university, a nice dinner. I think he would have found it too confronting, or too upsetting. However, if he were happy with his life, I don't think it would bother him and he would have wanted to come,

He used to say that his friends who went to university were arrogant, etc.

OP posts:

insan1tyscartching · 06/09/2016 12:04

How do you know he's unhappy? Not wanting a relationship with you doesn't mean he's unhappy, it just means he doesn't want a relationship with you. I can't think of any instance that would make me want a relationship with my siblings tbh whether I was on cloud nine or in the pit of despair. I don't want, like (the majority), or need them so don't see why being biologically related should mean I would put that aside to have a relationship with them.

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