My brother doesn't give me what I want

[KellysZeros]

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

I really think you oerhaps should consider not trying to justify every comment. You're not coming off well. Some people are getting pretty incensed.

But that suggests that you think he'd be envious whereas he might think your wedding would be his idea of hell. He had the wedding he wanted so he obviously didn't want what you had as he had different to you.
I can see it is hurtful to you for him not to attend but if you don't have a relationship why would he want to and why would you want him there other than to fill a gap in the photos?

maybe because you are in touch with him, he thinks he's being polite by sharing the pics he shares with other people.

I wonder what would happen if you pull back a bit.

Things like this "Yes, it is what I meant - the point about Bournemouth was not to belittle it or my brother, but to make the point to reduce his anxieties, he has limited his life, and coming to my wedding and hearing about my fantastic luxurious life(!) would be upsetting for him. And it is why I think he isn't really happy. And I love him and would like him to be happy. I will write to him." - can you really see not how narcisstic that is?

and btw one reason I don't travel much is anxiety. It isn't that I have made a big sacrifice. It's managing my life to make me happier - and it works and it's great. I am happy to hear my sister's travelling tales, I accept that's a difference with you and your brother. But again, maybe he just doesn't like you and if you put him in a position where he has to say it, I think that will cause more issues.

probably just pull back is a good solution.

I don't really understand what you would hope to achieve by writing to him. Do you want an apology? What response would make you happy? Genuine, non-facetious question.

I'm sorry that you don't understand Lorelei. (I know that comes across as condescending but you are missing my point and reading your interpretation into it).

I don't give a flying fuck that he doesn't go on holiday, shop in waitrose or do whatever things might be considered whatever makes me marvellous and I do not remotely "look down" on his choices. My point is that I think it upsets him that I went to university or whatever, so he doesn't want to hear about my life.

No, I can't see what is wrong with saying I would like a close relationship with my brother. It doesn't make me Nero for saying that.

If I were to write to him, I don't want an apology, it's that I would like to find out if there is an issue, something I could do to make things different.

can you really see not how narcisstic that is?

And again, I don't see it is as narcissistic to want my brother to be happy, quite the opposite.

You know how they say narcs just cant see it? Well here we are then.

ok so let's accept for the sake of argument that he was jealous of you as a teenager and is still jealous of your perfect life now.

How do you think the 'jealousy' can be resolved?

Lasttime, I must be a narc because only a narc would say they're not a narc!

OP, you are obviously really upset about him not coming to your wedding but it also sounds like if he had come, you may well have thought he was behaving in a difficult manner and this could also have upset you or ruined your day.

If you put yourself in his shoes for a moment (he must have at least an inkling - if not a lot more - that you believe he is difficult) then no matter which option he chose, he could still cause you distress. Maybe he felt this was the safest option that would give you the happiest wedding?

Also is it possible he invited you to his wedding, not because he really wanted you there but so as not to hurt you or your parents feelings? (This is not a personal attack on you - in over 20 weddings I have attended or been involved in, there is often 25% of attendees that are invited - and who attend - so feelings won't be hurt all round rather especially on the larger ones)

I'm not sure writing to him at this point is a good idea. Perhaps take some time and think about it from his side. Lots of people are happy not going far from home, it's not necessarily an anxiety thing and even if it is, it's his call how to deal with that, not yours.

Perhaps you could start by imagining how he would feel if he read your OP and comments through this thread. Imagine how he would feel, after reading those comments, were you to suddenly appear and want a closer relationship with him.

He probably couldn't care less that you went to uni, shop in Waitrose or any of the other stuff you seem to think makes you better than him or you think makes him inadequate. He doesn't seem to be interested in you as a person so your experiences are of no interest to him as he has no interest in you. I fear that if you pushhim for answers you might well hear something you would rather not tbh.

ok so let's accept for the sake of argument that he was jealous of you as a teenager and is still jealous of your perfect life now.

I'm sorry but you're the one who is having difficulty in interpreting me I'm afraid. At no point did I say I have a perfect life. Why you would think so is beyond me.

How do you think the 'jealousy' can be resolved?

Maybe it would help if would realise I don't have the perfect life. You're very deliberately trying to misinterpret me there.

You are not coming across that well. Your coming across, I know better as if only you have the answers. if you give off this vibe in real life it will come across as arrogance.

Plus the whole I went to University and have travelled , honestly it doesn't make anyone a better human especially it just means they have experienced something.

My sisters have small lives by choice or its just the way they are made I am the only one of us that went to University and I have travelled a lot but honestly I would never judge them for the way they wish to live.

My fantastic luxurious life ooh ouch that makes you sound really smug.

Insan, indeed, it could just be that he doesn't like me

You are not coming across that well. Your coming across, I know better as if only you have the answers. if you give off this vibe in real life it will come across as arrogance.

My fantastic luxurious life ooh ouch that makes you sound really smug.

Whoosh!! I appreciate that to some I might not be coming across too well, because some people reading things into what I'm saying that isn't there.

It is weird to say you want a close relationship with your brother though, when you don't seem to like him. What you actually seem to want is a different brother, who behaves differently, who isn't insecure and resentful and is interested in your life. Which is fair enough - who hasn't wished for a less dysfunctional family? - but you can't make this happen. You can't turn him into a different person and make him 'non-difficult' and no longer insecure and genuinely happy for your successes. This is just not within your control, and it's not reasonable to think it is.

If the issue is what you think it is - i.e. he feels bruised by your greater happiness - he's hardly going to say so, and any implication you make that this is the case will cause enormous resentment.

If you say 'is it something I've done?' And he says 'no, everything's fine' then will you be satisfied?

I guess I'm wondering where it ends and when you will accept the relationship you have and the people you are.

OP "My point is that I think it upsets him that I went to university or whatever, so he doesn't want to hear about my life."

yes, I did understand that. What I'm wondering why you think it upsets him. have you had any indication of this? He might have cared about the fuss when you initially went to uni but (I guess) that was years ago. And why would you think it upsets him that you go abroad? He might not be upset at all, if he doesn't ask about your holidays he might not be interested.

This reminds of something my dad used to do - his sisters don't go on holiday either, so he decided it must upset them that he does (they have health issues so they can't) and started not telling them when he went away. Of course after a couple of years they said "surprised you haven't had a holiday recently" - and he had the chat with them, and they were flummoxed that he had not told them on the assumption they might be jealous!

no you're misinterpreting me.

I was paraphrasing from his jealous point of view. I did say at the beginning of that post 'let's accept that he is jealous etc'

so was the "fantastic life" thing a joke? If it was, it wasn't clear. I am glad if you are happy with your life but I am confused why you think your brother isn't happy.

why do you think your brother isn't happy?

I don't like my sister, I don't say anything to her or about her to anyone. If anyone tells me anything about her life I say "ooh lovely" as they expect to hear. As I move away it totally leaves my mind what I've been told because I'm not interested in her or her life so they could be talking about anyone.It doesn't affect me because there is no emotional bond even if there is a biological tie. FWIW I didn't go to her wedding either, I made an excuse, both she and I knew it was an excuse but the invite was because she should rather than wanted to IYSWIM.

to be fair to OP I got that she was being sarcastic when she said 'fantastic luxurious life'

FYI I have friends who didn't go to Uni and are in the same industry having entered it via other ways doing much better than me. Also have wealthy friends who (send their children to boarding school) never holiday abroad.

It doesn't give the full picture of someone's life or happiness levels to focus on these things. I'd be more interested to hear if anything has ever been said to indicate that life isn't going well for him or that he's unhappy with his lot. Does he discuss his life with your parents? Do they have any insight into it? Being resentful as a teenager is one thing. But you'd have to be pretty stuck and obsessed with someone (especially a sibling) not to have moved on as an adult with your own life choices.

I think your brother had a rough ride as a very young child and it probably relates a lot to a younger sister turning up in his life and your parents not handling it well. The resentment is probably deep in his subconscious and he isn't willing to address it.

He probably doesn't "like" you but doesn't actually know why...

Possibly it's easier to be angry and jealous of you rather than deal with how he feels about your parents.

What's wrong with Bournemouth?!!

Millions of people don't want to go to university, are quite happy not to live a flashy lifestyle - and find it difficult that people who do go to university think their lives are limited by comparison. He may be quite right in feeling that his friends who have gone further than he is think they've gone up in the world and he hasn't.

Part of the problem OP is you say things like this: "I'm sorry that you don't understand Lorelei" - so rather than seeming to stop and wonder whether it is perhaps you that is communicating badly, rather than a failure of the reader to interpret the words in the way that you intended. It seems that often what you mean to say isn't actually what you do say, for example the thread title.