My brother doesn't give me what I want

[KellysZeros]

I wanted to post that my brother doesn't love me, but I'm sure he does, but he is incapable of showing it. I recently got married, and he didn't come. I do sort of understand why (it would have involved some travel and an overnight stay), but to me, it's what you do for a sibling. I recently attending his wedding (and had to travel). However, he didn't show any enthusiasm at all. He sent me a plain card with little text. It got me thinking he never, and I really mean never asks me about my life. Where I live, what I do, nothing. I think there is some strange family dynamics where when he was younger he was a bit jealous of me.

I don't think he can change, but I find it so upsetting. What can I do?

OP, you don't seem to like him very much. You're obviously hurt he didn't come to your wedding, which I get, but you also consistently characterise him as 'difficult' (and you suggest with no good reason, as you say your parents were loving and egalitarian), self-absorbed, and desperately seeking approval from your parents, and you suggest he didn't come to your wedding because he couldn't have coped with the attention being on you for once.

Why then do you want a relationship with this man who is self-absorbed, childish, selfish and angry, in your eyes?

Isn't this more 'I want a relationship with a revamped imaginary fantasy version of my brother'? That man doesn't exist, OP, by your own account. You can't invent a better brother who is interested in all your doings and shows up shrieking with delighting and flinging confetti at your wedding?

I am starting to see why your brother finds it hard to engage with you.

but quite frankly if you think those are his motives and he ever gets/got wind of it your relationship doesn't stand a chance does it??

I would hope he could overcome, perhaps he was able to think about it.

it's not about right or wrong!

of all the words you had at your disposal you chose those particular ones.

Subconsciously or otherwise it is revealing about you. It's what you chose to communicate as your opening gambit.

Sorry OP I think you might be overthinking this whole thing
Never mind the growing up years, it sounds like he just doesn't want to be good friends with you

You can try and remove yourself from the title but you did choose it and it does make me wonder about your approach generally.

Btw don't take the top search result in google that seriously! And things aren't always that complicated anyway. I feel you're looking for an answer when it may simply be that he doesn't like you as much as you like him.

I am starting to see why your brother finds it hard to engage with you.

I'm doing my best to reply to several people at the same time.

I'm not close to any of my siblings, I've always felt different to them and as we all moved into adulthood it felt a relief not to have to bother maintaining a relationship with people who if we weren't related to I wouldn't have been on more than nodding terms.
My siblings have various close and not so close relationships amongst themselves I get an occasional text from one who I know is desperate to draw me back into the family so I send nice but guarded replies and I say hello to a couple of the others if I see them in town (I try not to tbh)
It sounds like your brother doesn't want a relationship with you. The sibling who texts me gets updates on my dc but I say nothing of myself and don't ask about her because I'm not interested in any sort of sibling relationship and updates on my dc is polite but also a way to keep my distance.as it removes my involvement.
My siblings have done nothing wrong, I wouldn't say our childhood was dysfunctional but there are things I'd rather forget and keeping siblings away means I'm not reminded.
It could be that your brother feels the same.I know if any of mine approached wanting "the chat" I'd run for the hills tbh so think you should be prepared for that too before putting your brother on the spot.

I have a strained relationship with my brother despite having the same upbringing, sort of and only being 16 months apart in age.

He came to my wedding. I didn't go to his. I felt like I had good readon. He never forgave me.

The relationship was tricky even before then. Lots of reasons. He's had therapy and was pretty much told its my fault and I could do with therapy too. I can't see how it would possibly change things. He told his therapist He misses the old me. I can't see how i've changed and wouldn't change for him even if I needed to.

My mum has the same relationship with her brother and the same age gap. She forced us to try a reconciliation last year and it made things worse.

I realise I just don't like him very much. I think its better to just accept that and be civil when you have to be but not to pretend to play happy families. I don't think my brother loves me which is a shame but not much I can do about it.

I do get upset now I have dc that he wants nothing to do with and it hurts more because he is godfather to our stepsiblings dd. I think I'm just terrified now because I have a ds and dd with the same age gap and i'm terrified they won't have a normal relationship.

The fact that you think there is nothing you can/should do to make the relationship better and it's up to him, says it all. That's rubbish. We're all telling you there's loads you can do.

I get that I have two options - either talk to him about it, or accept it. But it does seems to be that factually, the block is with him. He either doesn't want a relationship with me, or is unable to express what I do that he doesn't like.

Well, you've asked for different perspectives and that's all anonymous posters on an internet forum can give you. All I can say is, it's very likely that someone who appears to be disinterested in you is actually that interested that they are going, as an adult, to great lengths to take all of mum and dad's love for themselves. It doesn't make sense and is highly improbable. Much more likely is that is does seek your mum and dad's approval a bit (because many of us do) but is more interested in supporting a relationship between his children and his parents. And none of this particularly relates to you, although he is happy to support your relationship with his kids (who he clearly loves) by sending pictures. It seems likely that his most recent memories of childhood and living with you are quite negative and distant, and he has taken this to mean you simply 'aren't close'.

It's highly unlikely that he is acting out now because you were the sorted, happy and adjusted teenager twenty years ago. People do change and this is often why distance crystallises in families - because family members who haven't been around to see those changes don't know about them, don't allow for them, make the wrong assumptions and insist on holding onto (or are unwilling to relinquish) old stereotypes that they were more comfortable with.

He may not feel warmly towards you and I think you should explore that carefully. However, it will be much more likely to go well if you could first acknowledge that not feeling warmly towards you doesn't mean there's something wrong with him or his relationships with anyone else.

No child is born angry or difficult. They are shaped like because of events and surroundings.

You may view your child hood very differently than him. Him not coming to your wedding was letting you know he cares very little for you OR has unresolved issues concerning you.

Why would he constantly seek attention from his parents? Why is he insecure about their approval or attention? Some thing may have happened to him as s child to still be feeling this way.

OR this is just your perception of the situation and he doesn't want to be around you.

you need to have an honest look a yourself op

It really isn't about the quantity or speed of replies.

It is about your reluctance to analyise your own motives with the same care with which you are scrutinising your brother's supposed motives.

in everything you've written about him your dislike of him is tangible. If he's had the slightest idea that this is how you think of him then it's no wonder he stays away from you.

op your posts do seem to indicate that you are faultless that's why posters are getting narky with you. Maybe your the narcissistic sibling and he doesn't want to be around you?

If the block is with him, then leave him alone. For whatever reason he doesn't want to be close to you. I know that must hurt but like PP said it does seem to be about you and your feelings.

He had a family of his own, maybe he wants to concentrate on them. You actually sound very needy, which isn't your fault but is not going to help a relationship with him.

I don't have a great relationship with the postman because I don't know him and don't particularly warm to him. If he suddenly decided we don't have a good relationship and he'd like one, it wouldn't mean there was a 'block' with me. It would mean that relationships don't grow like that, because you've suddenly decided you want one. Also, if the postman thought I was a rather screwed up individual who did things for rather screwed up reasons (and he was secretly rather cross with me about this but hid it behind some armchair psychoanalysis of my personality) any natural intimacy would be most unlikely to grow.

I'm going to leave this thread as it's so frustrating. You're not interested I'm having a better relationship you just want him to do what you want.

Just lastly - I urge you to look very carefully at your own behaviour and I think you will find the reason your poor brother doesn't like you much.

If you want

*You may view your child hood very differently than him. Him not coming to your wedding was letting you know he cares very little for you OR has unresolved issues concerning you.

Why would he constantly seek attention from his parents? Why is he insecure about their approval or attention? Some thing may have happened to him as s child to still be feeling this way.

OR this is just your perception of the situation and he doesn't want to be around you.

you need to have an honest look a yourself op*

I agree, I do think he was a bit damaged growing up, but there isn't much I can really do about it, but accept it. It is sad though

Maybe your the narcissistic sibling and he doesn't want to be around you?

No, that's not the case

Lol. I don't think that post was intended to provoke that response. There is a certain arrogance about the persistence of your 'he doesn't seem to think I'm as attractive as I do and there was that time when he lost his temper twenty years ago so he's clearly just damaged' stance, OP. I hate it when posters say this, but I can imagine you being pretty arrogant, superior and rigid in your interactions.

OP "He either doesn't want a relationship with me, or is unable to express what I do that he doesn't like."

Or he doesn't see the need to express what he doesn't like, or there is nothing that he doesn't like but he just doesn't feel particularly drawn to you. I have a good relationship with my sister but a lot of that is due to having a lot in common. It's quite possible we might not be close if not for certain key things that have bonded us. We did get on as kids too. But many people have no relationship with siblings and just don't get in or have anything in common.

*I'm going to leave this thread as it's so frustrating. You're not interested I'm having a better relationship you just want him to do what you want.

Just lastly - I urge you to look very carefully at your own behaviour and I think you will find the reason your poor brother doesn't like you much.

If you want*

Thanks, I understand it's a difficult topic. A lot of people have latched on to the golden child thing and perhaps because they've been in this scape goat role, they're creating a narrative that simply doesn't exist.

I've lived my life, and I think I know the situation. I have and do reflect on my own behaviour, and I simply do think that I'm not the one largely at fault here.

Cross post
You are very quick to dismiss the possibility that you might be the narcisstic one.

Why does anyone have to be 'at fault', OP? Do you feel hard done by? What is it that you think your brother owes you?

in everything you've written about him your dislike of him is tangible. If he's had the slightest idea that this is how you think of him then it's no wonder he stays away from you.

No, that's not the case. I do like and love him. However, I am upset at his behaviour right now.