Was this rape/sexual abuse of some sort?

[breakfastatchanel]

This is something that happened a few years ago when I was at University living on campus in my first year. But I am just thinking about it now because something I read reminded me of it. And I'm curious if this would actually be considered rape or sexual abuse of some sort? I never thought it was before but now I'm wondering.

So basically after a night out I went back with this guy to his room (in one of the accommodation on campus). I wasn't that drunk, I can remember everything that happened and was perfectly lucid so that wasn't really an issue. But anyway I for some reason thought it was a good idea to have be promiscuous with boys I hardly knew because everyone else seemed to be doing it. Anyway, I guess we were kissing on the bed and then he took off my underwear and started to give me oral sex. I remember not liking as it was quite rough and regretting my decision but I pretended to be enjoying it or at least I didn't do anything and just put up with it trying to convince myself it was fine (not his fault though) anyway then he turned me over unto my front and carried on giving me oral sex and using his hands. Then he suddenly started to have sex with me which caught me by surprise. I would have had sex with him but I would never have agreed to do it with no condom. But once he started I just decided that the risk of infection and pregnancy was already there and I would already have to go to the clinic in the morning anyway so I didn't say anything and just let him carry on without any sign. I didn't like it either but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for me or him so I just waited for it to be over and pretended it was okay.

I took the morning after pill the next day and then about a week later I went to the clinic to get checked out. Because I actually had thrush from it (for the only time in my life) but wanted to get checked out anyway. The nurse wanted to hear what happened and was asking questions and I told her that I would never normally have unprotected sex and she asked questions I ended up explaining what happened just so she wouldn't think I was reckless and because she was asking. I remember she seemed to be sympathetic and take it quite seriously when I told her which I was surprised about because I thought it was all me and normal. But she never said it was sexual assault or anything like that I just remember her face and the way she spoke like she felt bad for me rather than saying it was all my fault. i dunno though.

So what would this be classed as? Or would it just be me having sex that I didn't want to have but not saying anything and getting myself into a silly position (so to speak).

It's not really bothering me personally and never really did and it was ages ago anyway but I'm just curious in general about this kind of thing. Thanks.

p.s. Also in my second year of university I remember I was kissed against my will twice by two different people on two different occasions. I did the same thing and just pretended it was fine and mutual so I didn't pull away straight away to avoid embarrassment because it was both people I knew who hung around with the same people as me so i didn't want things to be awkward if they thought they had imposed on me. So I just waited a few seconds and then pulled away and just continued to act as friends. One of them did up against a wall. Both times it was totally by surprise and quite forceful. Was that sexual assault? Even though it was just kissing?

Pinkangel23 - I'm sorry that happened to you. If you asked him to stop and he didn't that is rape isn't it? And I agree about the wider cultural teaching young people especially girls it seems that it's ok to say in any situation where they are uncomfortable and I'm not just talking about sexual situations or abuse either but just in general although of course sexual situations is the most extreme example of when it's silly to not know you can say no. The thing which I have the issue with though that he did still could have happened to me though in a situation where I was enjoying what happened up until that point.

iminshock - I'm not like that anymore either. I have gotten a lot better at that type of thing but sometimes in little day to day situations like I have to remind myself that it's okay to walk away from a conversation with someone who makes me uncomfortable for example and make an excuse or just say I'm leaving. Not part of what I'm questioning here and a separate issue to that but yeah it is a good to learn for young people in general.

No problem Oswin we've agreed she's a victim of abuse.

Now we all know we should be getting our sexual partners to explicitly ask us questions on consent as we proceed through intimate acts, so now if we're kissing, we need our partner to say " is it ok for me to proceed to touching your vulva' and we must explicitly consent or refuse, then they must ask explicitly "is it ok for me to perform oral sex on you" and we must explicitly consent or refuse, then they must explicitly ask "may I enter my penis in to your vagina" and we must explicitly consent or refuse.

So next time your in bed with a partner, remember to gain explicit and clear consent regardless of your marital status or long standing of your relationship, even if the other person seems to be enjoying and partaking in the activity, you must ask those questions to avoid being called an abuser.

To not follow those explicit steps, is now abuse.

Exactly how is that nasty? Hectoring the op and making snide remarks about being victim is fucking dickish.

I wonder Etta would you have stepped in if I called the op a dick.

Cuz I have seen some fucking ridiculous nasty shit posted to the op and nobodies stepped in.

Its not a radical thought to think men should ask about piv before just fucking going ahead.

See? Dickish.

What's with the sarcasm?

What's so weird with just checking before entering your body parts into someone else's.

Fucks sake.

*Oswin I'm a DV survivor, with marital rape included in my case, you've no idea how aggravating it is for people to concoct ridiculous stories for sympathy as a victim.

We once had one woman turn up to our rape crisis support group and give a tearful and emotional talk on her attack, we supported her and put a lot of emotional effort on to her, to find out she wasn't assaulted or raped by force which she had led us to believe but had simply had a bad consensual sexual experience, it really hurt the group, some women really did feel betrayed. I mean she really "hammed" it up for us.

Jigglypuff I'm a survivor of repeated rape and sexual attacks and violence in a long term relationship.

I've had a huge amount of experience in men deciding I don't fucking matter when it come to my body.

So I don't ever think I can tell anyone how to feel when something happens to make them feel violated.

Does it matter if in a court of law its rape? No, what matters is listening to what the ops saying about how she felt.

She didn't want it but once started felt unable to stop.

That is why consent should be sought before each new act.
Some awkwardness to stop thousands of girls and women feeling like shit is fine by me.

I think this thread should come with a trigger warning. Something similar happened to me at university although I had consented to Sex to begin with he was extremely rough and when I told him to stop because he was hurting me he didn't, but I told him several times stop but he continued, I think my situation is different because I voiced my opinion that I wasn't happy but he ignored me, I was really upset following the incident and felt like it was my fault, the pain afterwards was excruciating and he couldn't see what he had actually done wrong.

Oswin nobody has said OP shouldn't feel hurt by a bad experiences, her feelings are her own, but when you want to discus rape / sexual abuse you discus the legal side hand in hand.

Due to OP's behaviour during the act, she led that male to believe he was having consensual intercourse, that's what I am saying. At no point from what we have been told dI'd the OP infer to that man, she wanted him to stop or was unhappy. He can not be labelled a abuser or a rapist, he just can't. And you can't be a victim of abuse if there was no abuser!

OP can understandibly feel upset about it, but she can not "class it as rape/sexual abuse" in my opinion.

However it has become apparent she wishes tthis to be classed as abuse, so fine I've agreed, she's a victim of abuse of it makes her feel better.

She did not consent to be penetrated.

This man has not raped anyone, he hasn't, he is not a rapist! To label him that is shocking! He thought all was fine, he was not told to stop, he wasn't pushed away. OP did not alter her behaviour to be negative, she continued to pretend she liked it. Why would a man stop intercourse of he felt his partner was enjoying it?

I'll settle for perceived abuse, but this is not rape.

For lack of consent in a rape case to be considered the victim needs to be unconscious or severely inebriated or under the influence of drugs, I.e unable to give consent because they physically can not. The OP was not by her own admission in this state, she had ample cognitive function to withdraw consent, she chose not to and pretended she was enjoying the sexual experience.

You can't label this man a rapist!

If you had sex with someone and they seemed to have enjoyed it, and the next day they said you raped me, wouldn't you be a bit bewildered at that accusation?

Oswin - Thank you your reply and your support and I'm sorry for what you've been through. I don't really feel hurt by it I'm more just asking about the way he went from foreplay to sex whilst I was looking the opposite way so I didn't know what he was doing. Well, I mean didn't like it all at the time. The other stuff me not saying no was my fault but him penetrating me against my wishes without my knowledge until it happened obviously I did think was bad as well and only just realising it was actually his fault after reading about some other stuff which sparked my actually starting to think about it. But it didn't bother me much at the time and it doesn't bother me now I'm just wondering about it.

LadyintheRadiator - Thanks for your reply. I agree it wasn't ok what he did. I don't think he needed to actively obtain consent if I had a chance to get him to stop and see what he was about to do before he did (like if he'd started to do it when I was facing the other way) but I didn't so I wasn't able to stop him before the actual sex happened.

CRazzyyAce - Thanks for your response and I'm sorry for what happened to you. Yes your situation was different and clearly rape. In my case he didn't do anything by the foreplay or continuing the sex after it had started (because I didn't say anything) but I had no way to give my consent to the actual sex starting in the first place because I couldn't see what he was doing or had a warning so in my case that is the only issue. And I agree there should be a trigger warning I should have thought of that.

Jigglypuff - We've been over this a few times now. The issue has nothing to do with him carrying on because I didn't say anything. The issue is that he started the actual sex without me being able to give my consent and no warning. But I think you have said you don't believe about what actually happened anyway so there's not much point discussing what it means or who was responsible if you don't even believe the literal facts of what happened.

I don't feel upset about it but that's irrelevant. I never said I wish this to be classed as anything. All I've done is open a discussion, ask a question. And respond to your posts. I never said I wish to be a victim. But whatever. As I've said a couple of times we are not getting anywhere with this and just going round in circles.

Broken nice to meet you. Having a nice time on the internet?

For a long time I wasn't sure if it was rape or not as I consented to sex in the beginning although when the situation had gotten out hand and I tried to stop it he continued.

I couldn't for along time come to terms with it. I wasn't sure if I had over reacted as it can be a grey area at times, I had previously had an encourater with him before and he was fine but on this one occasion it wasn't fine and I voiced it, I felt pretty stupid at putting myself in such a vulnerable situation.

I would drink a lot to block it all out and I struggled to trust men for along time afterwards. He couldn't see what he had done wrong and never has I ceased contact immediately.

Crazy I am sorry to hear of your experience, when you voice no, it should mean no. It doesnt matter how many encounters you had before, no should mean no. Before my husband became abusive we'd had consensual sexual experiences, but suddenly they became aggressive, forced, I'd cry throughout intercourse, I'd scream. I'd shout and beg for him to get off me. I can still smell his smell some nights when I wake, it fills the room, I know I'm alone but in my flash backs I can actually feel the pressure of him on me and its suffocating.

Even standing in crown court, my rapist denied everything he stood grinning from the dock at times. I couldn't face him, I chose to have a screen. I drank for a while, but then confided in my GP and we started a series of beta-blockers for anxiety and anti depressants along with sleeping tablets.

Some days I hate myself still, for how I alllowed it to continue for so long, the excuses of make, but I've slowly started to come to terms with it.

Have you ever thought about talking about your experience?

No I haven't I guess because felt silly because initially I consented although I hadn't consented to him being rough, I had one small drink that night and I was staying over in his accomdation at another university, I guess it wasn't the same as some poor girl getting attacked randomly, I knew this lad from my home town we had flirted and had previous encouters but this one occasion will stay with me, I felt like it was my fault at the time he knew he had hurt me and minimised it made me feel I over reacted but I could barely walk after the episode which wasn't normal and had inter bruising. I never reported the incident but I did get checked out by the nurse.

Cannot believe some of the comments on this thread.

OP, I'm sorry that this happened to you. He absolutely should not have had sex with you without a condom without checking you were ok with it. The natural assumption in any first time encounter I've ever had is that condoms will be used. And that break to grab one gives you that time to stop things if you're not happy.

I cannot stress enough that inserting your bare penis inside someone else's body from behind without giving them chance to object (because you don't have eyes in the back of your head, you're not a fucking mind reader) is not ok.