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Was this rape/sexual abuse of some sort?

508 replies

breakfastatchanel · 04/09/2016 21:42

This is something that happened a few years ago when I was at University living on campus in my first year. But I am just thinking about it now because something I read reminded me of it. And I'm curious if this would actually be considered rape or sexual abuse of some sort? I never thought it was before but now I'm wondering.

So basically after a night out I went back with this guy to his room (in one of the accommodation on campus). I wasn't that drunk, I can remember everything that happened and was perfectly lucid so that wasn't really an issue. But anyway I for some reason thought it was a good idea to have be promiscuous with boys I hardly knew because everyone else seemed to be doing it. Anyway, I guess we were kissing on the bed and then he took off my underwear and started to give me oral sex. I remember not liking as it was quite rough and regretting my decision but I pretended to be enjoying it or at least I didn't do anything and just put up with it trying to convince myself it was fine (not his fault though) anyway then he turned me over unto my front and carried on giving me oral sex and using his hands. Then he suddenly started to have sex with me which caught me by surprise. I would have had sex with him but I would never have agreed to do it with no condom. But once he started I just decided that the risk of infection and pregnancy was already there and I would already have to go to the clinic in the morning anyway so I didn't say anything and just let him carry on without any sign. I didn't like it either but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for me or him so I just waited for it to be over and pretended it was okay.

I took the morning after pill the next day and then about a week later I went to the clinic to get checked out. Because I actually had thrush from it (for the only time in my life) but wanted to get checked out anyway. The nurse wanted to hear what happened and was asking questions and I told her that I would never normally have unprotected sex and she asked questions I ended up explaining what happened just so she wouldn't think I was reckless and because she was asking. I remember she seemed to be sympathetic and take it quite seriously when I told her which I was surprised about because I thought it was all me and normal. But she never said it was sexual assault or anything like that I just remember her face and the way she spoke like she felt bad for me rather than saying it was all my fault. i dunno though.

So what would this be classed as? Or would it just be me having sex that I didn't want to have but not saying anything and getting myself into a silly position (so to speak).

It's not really bothering me personally and never really did and it was ages ago anyway but I'm just curious in general about this kind of thing. Thanks.

p.s. Also in my second year of university I remember I was kissed against my will twice by two different people on two different occasions. I did the same thing and just pretended it was fine and mutual so I didn't pull away straight away to avoid embarrassment because it was both people I knew who hung around with the same people as me so i didn't want things to be awkward if they thought they had imposed on me. So I just waited a few seconds and then pulled away and just continued to act as friends. One of them did up against a wall. Both times it was totally by surprise and quite forceful. Was that sexual assault? Even though it was just kissing?

OP posts:
breakfastatchanel · 05/09/2016 00:50

But I forgot to add I am sorry you were triggered anyway. Although that is not my fault other than again I'm sorry I didn't put a warning in the title.

OP posts:
Jizzomelette · 05/09/2016 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JigglypuffsCaptor · 05/09/2016 00:54

I don't believe you that he went from fingering you to inserting his penis in a blink of an eye, no. HTH.

You pretended to enjoy the experience, so whilst you personally feel unhappy about it, the blame lies with you not him. You didn't give that man any inclination you weren't happy, you didn't verbally communicate your dislike nor did you freeze or actively push him away, you pretended to enjoy his actions inside and on you.

If you wanted the man to use a condom you should have implicitly made this clear before anything started. I've not once had sex in which I will be using a condom without placing it on the bedside table or asking if my sexual partner had one whilst undressing. I've always made it clear one is to be used. Did you do this? Or did you in your tipsy state fall in to bed with a man have a fumble that naturally progressed and pretended to enjoy?

user1473028862 · 05/09/2016 01:05

Jiggly what is your personal issue here? The OP has related an experience and asked for clarification. That is all. At best, the guy was totally in the wrong for not using a condom.

user1473028862 · 05/09/2016 01:06

I am a man and there is no way I would do something like that.

Bluebelle38 · 05/09/2016 01:06

He was sly. Very sly.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/09/2016 01:09

You should have said something to him. He wanted to pleasure you and you said nothing to him to indicate that something was wrong. It is your body you have to treat it better than that.

JigglypuffsCaptor · 05/09/2016 01:12

No personal issue, perhaps some triggering episodes but nothing personal. Just a cross examination you could say.

So user, you would never have sex with a woman with a condom on, even if you didn't want to and she didn't say she wanted to use one?

I mean me and DP have gone through phases of using condoms as birth control, and when we didn't have to use one, he never put one on because I didn't say I wanted one ifyswim.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/09/2016 01:13

He should have worn a condom but you should have told him to put one on. He is reckless you have to be careful from catching STIs. There is female condoms the owness is no longer on the man.

JigglypuffsCaptor · 05/09/2016 01:13

Sorry that should read "you would have sex with a woman...."

Bluebelle38 · 05/09/2016 01:14

User147, no gentleman would do what this idiot did. Without protection, without her even knowing he was inserting his penis. People are saying he wasn't a mind reader to know it wouldn't be ok, but nor was the OP when she couldn't see what he was doing.

iminshock · 05/09/2016 01:20

OP I believe the scenario you describe is not uncommon.
I have experienced similar. I was younger then and too polite to indicate I didn't want the situation to progress. But I went through with it because to call stop would have felt embarrassing. Also I wanted the man to like me. Thankfully I don't hold these ridiculous views any more . I don't recognise the person I was back then.

We need to teach our children , our daughters in particular about these matters.

JigglypuffsCaptor · 05/09/2016 01:22

OP didn't need to see what was going to realise the man behind her was trying to get his penis in, unless he is Flash Gordon and his penis is like a homing pigeon for the vagina, he's hardly going to have slipped it in without notice Hmm and then OP pretends to enjoy it rather than making any known feasbale objection or stiffness from shock and shut down. There seems to have been no prior discussion on use of a condom being essential to consent.

This man had no reason to believe he's suddenly a abuser or a rapists, and nor should he!

iminshock · 05/09/2016 01:22

And yes he was in the wrong for not using a condom.
And OP should have spoken out.
And I've done exactly the same as op in that respectConfused

user1473028862 · 05/09/2016 01:25

Er..I would at least ask. I wouldn't just start penetrating someone while not using protection without ensuring that: 1) They are using contraception themselves and: 2) that they are a 100% willing participant. In fact, thinking about it, even if they were on the pill I would still use a condom to reassure both myself that was no risk of infection.

user1473028862 · 05/09/2016 01:26

Meant: 'to reassure both myself and them'...

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/09/2016 01:27

My daughter is becoming a teenager I will have to have that talk with her soon. I don't want her to grow up into her adult life not knowing and understanding the risks. My mother just left me to get on with it there was no guidance about safe sex.

Bluebelle38 · 05/09/2016 01:30

Jigglypuff, maybe you haven't been with the most skilled lovers. It can be done very quickly and with the op feeling uncomfortable about the situation, she may not have been focusing on what was coming next, excuse pun.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/09/2016 01:32

They could have been the same height and it was easy that way. My partner is taller than me and I have to help him.

JigglypuffsCaptor · 05/09/2016 01:32

User, that is because its your preferance to use a condom, not all men and women share your preference to protect themselves, if they did we would have far less issues with sexually transmitted diseases.

Having worked with students, most can't even cook a pizza in a oven when tipsy let alone think clearly and with maturity to practice safe sex after 3 for 2 on sour shots at the local club for the past 4 hours, whilst their brain is soaked in hormones and their loins are excited. Confused

JigglypuffsCaptor · 05/09/2016 01:35

bluebell Hmm yes clearly the "skill" level of my lovers is the reason I can't feel a penis inserting itself in to me Confused

Bluebelle38 · 05/09/2016 01:37

Maybe I missed the bit where op said he was really drunk? She wasn't, are we assuming he was or have I missed that..??

Bluebelle38 · 05/09/2016 01:38

Jiggly, I thought it may be. I mean, if it's done from behind and you aren't expecting it, it can take you by surprise.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/09/2016 01:41

They had a night out they were drinking but she wasn't drunk. The op has not mentioned wether he was drunk.

Bluebelle38 · 05/09/2016 01:43

Thanks sunshine, I didn't think that had been established.

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