Was this rape/sexual abuse of some sort?

[breakfastatchanel]

This is something that happened a few years ago when I was at University living on campus in my first year. But I am just thinking about it now because something I read reminded me of it. And I'm curious if this would actually be considered rape or sexual abuse of some sort? I never thought it was before but now I'm wondering.

So basically after a night out I went back with this guy to his room (in one of the accommodation on campus). I wasn't that drunk, I can remember everything that happened and was perfectly lucid so that wasn't really an issue. But anyway I for some reason thought it was a good idea to have be promiscuous with boys I hardly knew because everyone else seemed to be doing it. Anyway, I guess we were kissing on the bed and then he took off my underwear and started to give me oral sex. I remember not liking as it was quite rough and regretting my decision but I pretended to be enjoying it or at least I didn't do anything and just put up with it trying to convince myself it was fine (not his fault though) anyway then he turned me over unto my front and carried on giving me oral sex and using his hands. Then he suddenly started to have sex with me which caught me by surprise. I would have had sex with him but I would never have agreed to do it with no condom. But once he started I just decided that the risk of infection and pregnancy was already there and I would already have to go to the clinic in the morning anyway so I didn't say anything and just let him carry on without any sign. I didn't like it either but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for me or him so I just waited for it to be over and pretended it was okay.

I took the morning after pill the next day and then about a week later I went to the clinic to get checked out. Because I actually had thrush from it (for the only time in my life) but wanted to get checked out anyway. The nurse wanted to hear what happened and was asking questions and I told her that I would never normally have unprotected sex and she asked questions I ended up explaining what happened just so she wouldn't think I was reckless and because she was asking. I remember she seemed to be sympathetic and take it quite seriously when I told her which I was surprised about because I thought it was all me and normal. But she never said it was sexual assault or anything like that I just remember her face and the way she spoke like she felt bad for me rather than saying it was all my fault. i dunno though.

So what would this be classed as? Or would it just be me having sex that I didn't want to have but not saying anything and getting myself into a silly position (so to speak).

It's not really bothering me personally and never really did and it was ages ago anyway but I'm just curious in general about this kind of thing. Thanks.

p.s. Also in my second year of university I remember I was kissed against my will twice by two different people on two different occasions. I did the same thing and just pretended it was fine and mutual so I didn't pull away straight away to avoid embarrassment because it was both people I knew who hung around with the same people as me so i didn't want things to be awkward if they thought they had imposed on me. So I just waited a few seconds and then pulled away and just continued to act as friends. One of them did up against a wall. Both times it was totally by surprise and quite forceful. Was that sexual assault? Even though it was just kissing?

I agree Rebel. Until men change their attitudes about women it isn't always preventable.

I will continue to tell my children to take responsibility for themselves

This isn't meant to be antagonist but I'd be very careful how that message is handled. As an extreme version I used to stand before my parents on a Saturday night while they criticised my short skirt, low cut tops or whatever and figured what kind of "message" I was sending out. When the worst happened I certainly didn't tell them - after all I was responsible for getting myself into bother.

Until men change their attitudes about women it isn't always preventable.

1. How is it sometimes preventable now?

2. How will rape become preventable if men change their attitudes?

she had said NO as soon as she realised what had happened, he would still have put his uncondomed penis into her without her consent"

That above - how on earth can you state that fact when we don't know. Huge presumption. If she had said no then he would know she wasn't want PIV sex and stopped.

Hello, your post makes no sense. The man put his uncondomed penis into her from behind, without asking, without checking. Once it was in her vagina, she could've said no but he still would have penetrated her without consent, even if he had then stopped and withdrawn.

I must have led a very sheltered existence. I've never had sex without both parties making it 100% clear what is about to happen. He should not have penetrated her without giving her any advanced warning. I don't know the legalities but morally it was wrong.

"you offer your vagina to"

Oh FFS.

Driving

Consent to one sex act does not constitute consent to another.

She was on her front - if he'd put his uncondomed penis into her anus without seeking consent, would you still be saying the OP should 'take responsibility', as opposed to the penis owner?

Cunnilingus tends to involve the clitoris rather than the vagina. So if you want to use such an offensive turn of phrase (which I'd rather you didn't), why not type "offer your clitoris"?

Driving i was talking in general,not about the OP. But please enlighten me how do you prevent your father,your classmates,your grandfather,your brother's best friend,your friend,your boss,your bf/husband from raping/sexually assaulting you if that's what they're set to do :)

Rape is 100% preventable if you never leave your house and don't have contact with anyone else. That's it. Rapists do not discriminate based On age,race,even sex,the way you dress,talk,how much you drink etc. They're considerate like that :)

Rebel my father sexually assaulted me when I was around 8! Now that is pretty difficult to predict and avoid
How the hell do you compare situations like this with the OP's one where she put herself in a compromised situation - assuming this is not the first time she had ONS, going to someone's house for sex (there is a law of probability here when you do it quite often) has zip to do with being innocent and vulnerable and being raped by someone you know and trust

I'm not saying she deserved it but I'm saying women need to think clever about who they are exposed to and how . And thanks God some women do that already

Accepting an invitation for coffee?

Are we being serious here? You go to anyone's house you don't know much about for coffee?

Do you think we are stupid? Do you think we are fucking victims of every molester out there? We have no brain?

DrivingAndGoogling it doesn't matter how well you think you know someone, that's the point. And even if you don't know them very well, it is still their responsibility not rape or sexually assault you.

Women have to protect themselves, they can't expect to put themselves in stupid situations and then claim rape
Whatever we are saying here OP has to face up with the concequences and if she accepts zero responsibility, let's have a guess if it ll happen again

You seem to be arguing that an act you would otherwise classify as rape becomes 'not rape' just because it occurred in a situation you judge OP to be stupid for getting herself into. Luckily that's not how it works.

The OP wasn't given a chance to say no to unprotected sex though, he inserted himself before asking her and outside of her vision. Even if she'd said "no, stop" and he stopped and apologised, it doesn't undo the fact that he still assumed he could go ahead with unprotected sex without checking.

Reading this thread makes be realise that the consent classes being introduced on some campus are needed more than I thought. There were a lot of outraged men when they were suggested and I don't get it. If large numbers of men are worried about women making rape claims, and abstaining isn't an option, then classes telling them actions that could land them in trouble would be welcomed I'd have thought?

I think we all agree that men take responsibility for not raping or sexually assaulting women.

However until that happens I will still advise my children to take care and to be honest going back to some random mans house could be dangerous in terms of rape, death and drugs. We have the freedom to do that I agree but should we when we know men can rape or murder us? The law might be there to protect us but it is too late if you are dead or raped.

We have the freedom to do that I agree but should we when we know men can rape or murder us? The law might be there to protect us but it is too late if you are dead or raped.

The OP wasn't asking for your opinion on whether you think her choices were careless or stupid. She was asking whether what happened could be described as rape. You're awfully keen to answer one question, and oddly reluctant to answer the other. It calls your motives for posting into question.

The OP wasn't asking for your opinion on whether you think her choices were careless or stupid. She was asking whether what happened could be described as rape. You're awfully keen to answer one question, and oddly reluctant to answer the other. It calls your motives for posting into question.
What? What do you think these motives are?
We are not here to answer the OP's question and shut it!! Many expanded quite a lot on this thread if you think that breaks the guidelines just report it otherwise move on

women though, is that we are far, far more likely to be raped by someone we know - a partner, ex-partner, male friend, family member even - than someone we don't know.

Ok but you still calling this man - who she doesn't know pretty much at all - a rapist so what's your point?
So because certainly cases are difficult to avoid we should just fuck it and give it our all when it comes to being stupid

DrivingAndGoogling it doesn't matter how well you think you know someone, that's the point. And even if you don't know them very well, it is still their responsibility not rape or sexually assault you.
Of course!
But this means we have to do nothing to protect ourselves?
So shall we just open our legs and wait for it to happen cause it's not our fault and certainly not or responsibility?

So if OP comes back in two weeks time and says it happened again same scenario, twice what are you all going to say? "Oh it's still not your responsibility, please keep on doing what you're doing and you ll do great!"

Women are quite likely to be murdered by their partners or ex partners too

kareningalasmith.com/2016/09/01/intimate-partner-and-domestic-violence-homicides-sex-differences-april-2012-march-2015-3-years/

Driving, FYI, this happened years ago when she was at uni.