Just handed back my wedding ring, not sure what happens next...

[IceBeing]

No real drama, no OW or OM, just mental health problems and a total lack of kindness or consideration left in the relationship.

Final straw today was that I decided to try and help out clearing a big pile of junk that resulted from a combination of a shelf collapsing in our kitchen and my DD's birthday, both of which happened over 3 months ago.

When DH found out he was stomping and sulking because I shouldn't have touched the piles of junk and because I had he now had to retrace everything I had done and wash everything and put all DD's toys and presents back into a pile of junk.

The reason for this being that one of the bags contained a hand painted wooden box DD (5yo) had been given by a friend at her birthday. And because DH doesn't know what paint was used it is by default toxic...and so is anything it touched, anything that even might have been in the same bag, anything that was in the room when I opened the bag etc. etc.

So my DD can't have that present, or the other ones in the bag with it, she can't have her toys from the party back and our house is slowly being consumed by increasing piles of junk that noone but DH is allowed near, but that he never gets around to doing anything about.

I can't go in one of the rooms of the house and the garage has been off limits for around 4 years.

So my attempt at increasing the net amount of kindness in the house has back fired epically. I just can't do it anymore.

But what now?

OP...i agree with cat12 , this is not about whether HE or school is right for your little girl, it is the fact she is spending large amounts of time during crucial formative years with her father who is not well.

Children that age, have little if any concept of the world being any different to how their parents view it, your DH's views are shaping your dd's views, and this is detrimental to her.

If in a few years or sooner she starts saying that anything wiht paint is dangerous and must not be touched what are you going to do ? agree with her ? explain no that is not right it is just daddy's MH issues ?

She may well have anxious personality traits and sensory issues but these are being aggravated, fed even by your DH's MH issues.

Would you leave her to be looked after by a relative who had a broken leg ? No ...so don't leave her with your ill DH.

In my experience these issues will escalate...paint and petrol now but how soon before it is germs or animals for instance and they cannot leave the house for fear of these ???

Is this really what you want for your daughter ?

I totally agree the HE versus school is a red herring and the MH is the issue. I will try to stop responding to people making negative stereotyped comments about HE!

An interesting threshold has been crossed that I don't think my DH saw coming, which is that while he can insist on me not talking about or admitting his OCD to family and has asked me to lie about the reasons DD isn't allowed certain things or places, he can't do the same thing to DD. So we witnessed first hand her trying to explain to a relative why their offer of calligraphy paint wouldn't be accepted before either of us could make something up. I guess the key thing there is to make sure he doesn't even consider coercing DD into maintaining the fiction. I must add that to the list of objectives discussed.

Stand your ground. Stand firmly with your feet planted in sanity and live in your home as you should. Touch, use, move and throw away as you see fit.

He seeks help in order to cope or he leaves.

But make no concessions for this irrational thinking. You can't talk him out of it and he may never "get a grip" - mental illness isn't like that - but you don't have to play along one iota.

Susan, that sounds like a very difficult and yet positive experience. I didn't get the impression the local school to us was at all supportive in this area though. I guess I will have to reach out again. There are so many people HEing for this specific reason in the local area - I wonder if these two things are connected.

DD found the HE group overwhelming to begin with but she is up to managing bigger mixed age sports groups now, but with her parental support in too. The music lessons are not keen on parents staying and that has been the big problem. I think confidence is the basis of this, because it isn't like she comes to me in the lesson or even references me at all sometimes. But when I am in the room, hidden behind the piano reading my book, upset doesn't happen with anything like the frequency they do if I am 1 foot further away, the other side of the window.

I've read this and I are truly despair for your poor dd. What a life she has. Barely school age yet conditioned and controlled by her father's insecurities that no one has ever stood up to.

OP get a backbone, realise how truly messed up this situation is for your dd. I'm not surprised she is anxious, she has no idea of the real world. Instead she lives in a bubble where daddy thinks everything might kill her.

You sound almost as bad as him for enabling the situation. How on earth do you think this is remotely near normal? Your dd shouldn't have to lie to cover up her dads MH condition at 4. She should be enjoying a relatively care free life. Her anxiety stems from her, quite honestly, shit parenting. Please please leave and let your dd live.

ahh...just when I was about to award the most hysterical poster award...a late entrant.

On the scale of OCD, my DH is not actually that severe at all. We can go whole weeks without any sort of anxiety break out from him. If people think that finding it hard to deal with piles of junk that may or may not contain paint is severe OCD then I can safely assume they don't know anyone with actually severe OCD. Not being able to leave the house is severe OCD...being late everywhere because you couldn't leave the house without performing hour long rituals is severe....damaging your physcial health with rituals is severe. As previously mentioned, DH takes DD all over the countryside to meet with friends or to ramble alone...gets places on time and isn't self harming. He has been able to hide his illness because it is mild enough not to show to people unless they know him well.

TBH my DH is not even the most severe OCD sufferer amongst my direct acquaintance. I work closely with someone who's life is far more severely impacted, and even they are managing to hold down a good RL job and manage a decent social life.

The issues need dealing with, as I have repeatedly stated. I will make sure DD isn't dragged into fabrication of any sort. DH will have to work with the idea that our family and friends are going to find out - which IMO would have been far better in the first place. People aren't shit in the most part and will help if they understand why there is a problem in a way they won't if they just think you are just being weird and controlling in general.

Your DH either has severe OCD or he is controlling AF.

You have been conditioned to think your life is normal. I can get assure you that it isn't. I can't think of anyone I know who has to refuse party invites due to lead paint. This thread isn't about him taking dd to the countryside. Thus thread is about the damaging environment your dd is growing up in.

Almost all of your comments minimise your DHs influence on DD and the household. If I heard this in my professional sphere I would raise a safeguarding concern. You are too involved to see how controlled and conditioned you have become. Look up the freedom programme.

Ah he's never t as bad as many...that's ok then

No way I'd want the childhood got my DD that you're ok with for yours. You live your DH so are excusing and minimising the effects on your DD.

I feel extremely sorry for get and the fact she's not in school means it's more unlikely she'll be identify ex as in need by people that can help her, and you as a family.

joy where have I indicated I am okay with it? How can you know I am minimising rather than simply telling you all what is happening? I have admitted lying on his behalf and that I am not happy about it and that I won't allow that to happen to DD, I have stated repeatedly that things will have to change.

Just because there is a problem doesn't mean he has the most severe life limiting OCD you have ever seen - even on channel 4.

I do hope the poster who admitted to empathising with my DH isn't still reading this and hearing how everyone with OCD is an unfit parent and damaging their children irreparably....and that any attempt to explain that there is a spectrum and some people are only mildly effected is just minimising...or worse, abetting.

I have to say that I think my anxiety and OCD feeds dds. But I try really hard to "model" facing up to and attempting to do stuff despite the fears, and also talk about the anxiety as something to be faced up to.
I do think parental anxiety cannot be hidden from children - personally I think it's best to be honest and model coping mechanisms and the importance of dealing with it. I may be wrong however

So for example im a nervous driver, and we recently got a new bigger car that I was scared of driving. So I talked about how we were going to go on a little drive around town in the new car because mummy was worried and scared about the new car, and I needed to be brave and do it anyway, and then I wouldn't be scared anymore. And afterwards we did "new car high fives" for mummy, and both DDS said Well done

It isn't mild OCD to have to get rid of shelves full of stuff due to a handpainted box.

It isn't mild OCD to store hoards of stuff.

It isn't mild OCD to have to investigate places for lead paint before you visit.

It isn't mild OCD to ban your child from going places that have toys made in China.

Stop minimising and face the facts that this is an unusual and unhealthy environment for your dd to grow up in.

Without intervention your dh will not change. Therefore you need to kick him out or leave.

It's clearly ok with you as you're minimising his behaviour and the effects that'll have on your DD, especially as he's the main caregiver.

Ask anyone on here if they'd feel confident letting their kids come stay with you for a week and your DH be their caregiver and they wouldn't.

You're minimising his behaviour by comparing to those you think are worse. It doesn't matter what anyone else is like, this isn't good enough for a child.

Op I have the utmost respect for what you are doing and coping with.

I really do feel that your daughter could shine in an SEN school, especially if it were moderate learning difficulties and ASD.

I can take these children weeks to settle but the joy they and everyone feels when they settle and start to shine is wonderful. The first few weeks and even months might be tough, but with the sensitive understanding of staff, she could blossom and learn how to interact with other children etc. Doors could open and she could gain specialist support from the OT for her sensory issues such as a sensory diet etc, and opportunities to participate in a wide range of amazing activities and opportunities. I teach in one such school. The journey to that life could take a while and be tough, but it could be amazing.

Your husband could benefit from working again as being in the house might be feeding his obsessions etc. And not having the pressure of home ed might give him a bit of breathing space to tackle his issues.

It's not going to resolve over night for any of you. I think you all need to start asking for help from many sources.

Ironically, this is one of the biggest things we teach our kids; to ask for help.

bees I know you mean well, but that isn't achievable for the OP, at least not in the short to medium term. You can't just turn up and get into SEN school. Her DD doesn't have moderate learning difficulties or (a diagnosis of) autism, though she clearly has severe anxiety the OP talks about her as being quite socially successful.

IF the OP decides home ed isn't working for her DD (not against home ed per se, but this particular situation) she would need to look at mainstream schools first. It might be lovely for her to go to a small nurturing SEN school but it isn't a realistic prospect at this point. She would need appropriate assessments, to go through the EHCP process, evidence of support over time not working, etc. If small class sizes is paramount independent might be better but it would need to be a very nurturing one and OP would need to be prepared to have to pay extra for any additional support. There isn't really any evidence to say that she wouldn't manage a slow phased introduction to a nurturing mainstream state school. If they tried it and it didn't work, THEN they would have better evidence to request a specialist school (though even then one for children with learning difficulties doesn't sound right given that OP's child apparently is bright).

I am only saying this because I don't want OP to have her hopes raised that she can just approach the LA and have her DD in a special school by Christmas. That is vanishingly unlikely.

Of course Oldlady. It's a very long road. I'm sorry if I short cutted; my intention was to project a possible future. There could be a possibility of arranging some level of assessment through the GP or HV or to CAHMS I think though. This does depend a bit.

Even if the choice to home ed continues, I do think they should consider seeking some professional help / assessments etc via GP. There could still be the opportunities to access courses or funding or support they're not currently getting even if they home ed.

Now that I have read through these posts, I realise how many issues my DD used to have. She has mild sensory processing disorder although not diagnosed. Many of the issues described by posters happened with DD. I'm not a anxious mum and my DD begged me to home ed her in yr1. I'm chronically ill so I never would have been able to do so and my days were spent resting. So I was unable to cater for her anxieties and she had no choice but to go to school.

Getting her to school was hell for much of that year. Bathing was a disaster and Dh dragged her in the shower once a week. Her hair was a birds nest, she would only wear one school blouse and hated changing knickers etc. She cried at drop off almost everyday for 6 months, we were frequently late because she begged and pleaded not to go and I was unable as well as unwilling to force her. And I had to keep her home some days. On those dates, she then calmed and went just for the afternoon. She seemed to have a permanent tummy ache.

In the end I paid and saw a child psychologist it was the best thing DH and I have ever done. She's 8 now and very friendly and outgoing. So much so that she camped with a group of children for 4 nights in the holidays. She was the youngest.

I'm not saying this will happen with your DD. What I'm illustrating is if I'd kept my DD at home, she would be a completely different child. As is, she's brimming with confidence these days and her sensory issues are nor little more than cutting labels out of new clothes.

Good for you mummy. That must have been tough.

I fear though, the ops biggest challenge is her husband. Both dealing with his difficulties and then convincing him to think about how best to help their daughter.

I met a parent who was home Ed ing her bright but highly sensory and autistic son. She chose to do so after he was struggling so much, and they got a diagnosis. The mainstream school was rubbish but I've since found that the support teacher service for that area has effectively been without staff for many months. However, by then she had all the support of sp and Lang, was accessing OT support and had many other avenues of support through the local Sen communities, arts organisations and qualified for respite, holiday clubs etc. Her son was very happy but she had all the extra support she needed in top. They went through hell to get there (unacceptable) but they got there.

Hi OP I have RTT and have a few concerns which kind of all fit together. My main concern is not you or your husband but your daughter (as I can see is also yours)

One is that you have self diagnosed sensory processing and anxiety. It is so easy to read up on labels and diagnose your child then without professional help you can perpetuate these labels by adjusting routines and behaviours in the family that actually are counter productive

I speak as someone with a DC diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, anxiety, social communication issues at 3 years old and possible autism (3 borderline tests so far more to come and a MRI!)

I see sensory processing disorder in someways as an anathema. It is often diagnosed when there are sensory issues and other 'things' going on and it covers SUCH a wide variety of issues it is sometimes not helpful. It can also be grown out of (or aspects can) and the most important thing is to learn strategies to cope for the child and family. If your DD does have SPD you are not giving her the opportunity to do so. My DC has never been prodded and poked for this diagnosis btw

In addition to this wrt anxiety this can be crippling for a child. I am not surprised your daughter can not cope with a class. Coping strategies have to be learnt. They can't be learnt if one of the first reactions of a parent is to 'protect' by withdrawing a child or reacting in a negative way - that just reinforces the view that it is difficult or dangerous. Add your DH issues in the mix and it will only compound the situation. But to be issues anxiety and spd don't just make a child nervous or fretful. They impact the child so much that it stops them learning and experiencing new things. For example to get my DC to try horse riding or the violin it could take months, they may not communicate with the teacher, they may have meltdowns and they couldn't do more than one taxing activity in a week. We have to expect issues with any activity we do (I am a bit blase to forget soooo often it's ridiculous) Shopping, cinema, crowds etc are all issues. But we push their boundaries - which is so important - and with strategies they cope. We cope and as they get older it gets better.

I realise all children are very different but self diagnosis whilst keeping control of every aspect of a child's life is really not healthy.

Labels mean nothing - helping a child to deal with any difficulties they have is the most important thing. You should talk to your GP regarding your DD issues and request a developmental pead appointment. They are very skilled at establishing whether there is any diagnosis to be had. You have said she is a sociable child which is great but she is developing routines and reactions that at 4 that are not normal. As your DH has OCD and she sounds as bright as a button I really wonder whether she is picking up her anxiety and routines from your household. Imagine the conversation....'are you going to be OK today at music....you will be ok won't you....if you are not I am right here....I am sure you will be OK...there is nothing that is dangerous...' All well meaning but possibly anxiety inducing comments to a bright child in an anxious environment

Your DH will only get help if he wants to. You can help your DD by seeing is there is actually any issues when the anxiety driven controlling environment is reduced. This may be by putting her in a school and ignoring your DH. Allowing her the toys and friends meetings he won't allow (why put up with no children coming round etc) or leaving with her. Personally I would start by putting my foot down re toys and friends then look into school and request a pead meeting. You have time. You can fix this for your DD

Woops sorry for such a long post!

OP, your dd may have an underlying issue, but children really do pick up all our fears and issues too. If you are scared of her being away from you, she will obviously believe there is danger in that as a small child learns about the world through it's care-givers.

The Hed routine sounds lovely and suitable for your dd, but her parents extremely anxiety about small things is not.

It sounds like a very stifling atmosphere in which to raise a child. Tbh at this point I fear HE will only reinforce the artificial restrictions she experiences and she won't get to discover her own comfort zone , experiment and take risks which is what early education and development is about. To an extent you have also enabled his MH issues and developed your own anxieties which inevitably pass on to your child. Please take this opportunity to look for opportunities for her to learn beyond your four walls and uninhibited by quirky obsessions. School may well be the safest way to start. Hopefully in time you will also learn to relax more, with or with your h on board.

Thanks beesbees. It was. I typed the message while I was watching DD horse ride. Now that's been amazing for her. We spent much of the summer holidays there last year watching, riding and this year she did the camp. She's met a whole bunch of really friendly and caring children. Thinking back, I can't believe it was the same child that I described earlier. These days I can push her through her anxieties. Like today when she was scared of going on a particular horse and the older girls helped me reassure her. 20 mins into the lesson, it was her favourite pony.

Some of the stuff showme made a lot of sense. And what others have said. It really is time to put your DD first. That will mean going against your husband and giving her a more balanced view of the world. It's only a scary place if we make it so. And perhaps, the more confidence she has, the less anxiety or issues she will have. These are the years when you are laying the groundwork for your DD. It's not too late to make a radical change.

Mummy We are hoping we can get our DC on a horse in the next year or two! Glad your DD is doing so well and agree pushing through is the way (even when it doesn't always work there is tomorrow) It's stressful isn't it - but rewarding

I always half joke that if it was left to my DC they wouldn't leave the house or ever get out of PJ's. And yes wearing furry ear muffs on holiday in 30 degrees is odd - but you get to a point that really who cares what anyone else thinks. Viva la difference!