Just handed back my wedding ring, not sure what happens next...

[IceBeing]

No real drama, no OW or OM, just mental health problems and a total lack of kindness or consideration left in the relationship.

Final straw today was that I decided to try and help out clearing a big pile of junk that resulted from a combination of a shelf collapsing in our kitchen and my DD's birthday, both of which happened over 3 months ago.

When DH found out he was stomping and sulking because I shouldn't have touched the piles of junk and because I had he now had to retrace everything I had done and wash everything and put all DD's toys and presents back into a pile of junk.

The reason for this being that one of the bags contained a hand painted wooden box DD (5yo) had been given by a friend at her birthday. And because DH doesn't know what paint was used it is by default toxic...and so is anything it touched, anything that even might have been in the same bag, anything that was in the room when I opened the bag etc. etc.

So my DD can't have that present, or the other ones in the bag with it, she can't have her toys from the party back and our house is slowly being consumed by increasing piles of junk that noone but DH is allowed near, but that he never gets around to doing anything about.

I can't go in one of the rooms of the house and the garage has been off limits for around 4 years.

So my attempt at increasing the net amount of kindness in the house has back fired epically. I just can't do it anymore.

But what now?

IceBeing you should not be leaving.

You should be giving your DH an ultimatum about getting help to continue the marriage. I would suggest he moved out and only comes round to H-ed your DD for now, with the view to him moving back in when he is more relaxed.

oldbird perfectly put. He is definitely teaching her the world is a terrible frightening place full of danger...because that is what he believes. Just like I am probably teaching her that wasps are the spawn of the devil...just like my DM taught me to be afraid of heights and moths.

It is the double wammy...you get the bad genes that predispose you to anxiety and then you get taught how to be anxious by anxiety ridden parents. Somebody once suggested all babies should be swapped at birth and there may even be something in the suggestion.

london that is what I would love to happen. But I don't think it will....but maybe I am too pessimistic. Or it is too late. I am going to try and get some sleep.

Thanks again to everybody who contributed - including those I disagreed with. It was good to talk instead of staring at the ceiling going round in circles.

You have given me a lot of useful advice and some hard thinking to do.

Well, Ice, the book I recommended is your first step on changing that pattern and changing her future - whether that be adaptive home Ed or access to a classroom. She needs to learn that anxiety is expected, predictable, normal and controllable.

Ice this thread has been amazing. I really admire that you aren't defensive, you are starting to turn into the catalyst for change in your family. You are a very strong lady. Well done.

Well I'm a highly experienced EYFS and KS1 teacher. Many classes I have taught have included children with various special needs. All these little ones have managed to settle in and enjoy school without exception. Infant classrooms are really happy places with plenty of time for play or quiet times too.
I am sure your little one with the right encouragement would happily begin to fit in, learn from the setbacks and eventually enjoy school. You have to think long term here and endure any minor problems as this teaches resilience.
Please don't have a negative view of primary education because in my experience it is excellent with kind and caring staff.
I really don't think anyone with MH problems is fit to be the sole provider of a small persons learning experiences.
Also I would never have considered home schooling my own children as I would be denying them the right to share their learning with others at the same age. The fun they have with each other, playing games and sports, building things, sharing experiments and school trips is all sooooo good,
Please reconsider.

whataload thats a bit prejudiced isn't it? No one with a MH issue should be a teacher? I am pretty sure many people with MH issues are very good teachers. The sweeping generalization sucks.

Similarly you can't know much about H-ed if you think they don't learn with other children. The children often aren't exactly their own age though - which I think makes the experience richer. The older ones teach the younger so everyone is learning and teaching at the same time. In fact school is the only time in life you don't get the benefit of learning in a peer group with varying levels of experience.

I do understand there are lots of good schools out there, and that not everyone gets bullied, but selection bias means you see a lot of people who had the opposite experience (or whose parents are disillusioned teachers who have fallen out with their schools league table driven teaching approach) in the H-ed groups. I think I would want to get DD diagnosed so that if she were to start school we would be able to have support in place for her form the get go. This is something I intend to get onto ASAP.

that's a bit prejudiced isn't it? No one with a MH issue should be a teacher?
She didn't say that.
She said that they shouldn't be the 'sole' provider of a small person's learning experience.

And she's right. Your DD is getting a very skewed view of the world around her, even though she is mixing with other home-educated children.

Her primary education is in a home where certain 'piles' can't be touched and certain rooms can't be entered.

It's not healthy. You're absolutely right now, in deciding to get a diagnosis for your DD so she can access help. But you need help too, in dealing with your husband.

oldbird well maybe a little bit defensive...but trying hard to separate the message from the delivery...

I work in SEN IceBeing, I agree with whataload.

Can you try and think ahead please?

There is time for your DD to go to a suitable school which will understand her SEN needs. Regardless of her current academic progress, she is missing out on crucial life skills and is not being given a balanced view of reality.

You and your H, with the best will in the world cannot wrap her up in cotton wool. Yes, she may come across bullying, she may get a tummy bug, she may get a bit anxious. But life isn't about avoiding these issues, it's about learning the vital skills to deal with them.

Which is why I asked you to fast forward. What about when the hormones kick in? What about a teenager, who has not had the valuable years spent in school but wants to spread her wings but is too scared to? The under-graduate who deserves a university education but is convinced that the outside world is a place of fear, not adventure.

Her home environment is unhealthy, her anxiety will increase and possibly cripple because of her DFs MH issues, and bouth of your projected fears.

For all of you, and in particular his daughter's future, he has to seek help.

She needs to go to school, because what is difficult about a classroom at KS1 will be impossible at KS4. The sooner the better. A good SENCO will help with this.

The world is a scary place, but she has the right to be part of it, and to see that bad stuff sometimes happens, but she can cope and recover. Ultimately she is missing out on so much, the good stuff, the fun stuff. The learning that we are all different, but that's what life is all about, respect and tolerance.

Brutal here - but fast forward even further. To a time when you and H may not be around. Would you feel that you'd given your DD every opportunity to grow into an independent, strong adult?

I wish you all well. Your H, whether you stay or go must get proper professional help, today.

I think it's unfair to make any statements about the ops dd and her schooling until the dd in question has experienced school in the first place. How do any of us know how she will react to it? All children are anxious about starting school so that's to be expected. But she may love it once she has settled down. I don't think it's fair for her parents or us to speculate unless she has tried both options.

Sounds like the home life environment is far from healthy to me, and the home life practices of the dh in question - not to mention the fact that the op is not addressing this and there are rooms they can't go into - is not going to be good for the child at all. This family need desperate help.

Children first. Your daughter needs you to be an advocate for her needs and well-being.

Hi OP, I have to agree with many of the other posters here, you very much seem to be projecting onto your DD and to be honest, leaving her in such a dysfunctional environment IMO is a terrible, terrible idea. Your DH is NOT the best person for your DD to be spending the majority of time with. You may be used to him, and his very bizarre way of thinking but to others looking in, he has some very severe mental health issues. Just the state of the house, his allowing junk to be everywhere, contaminon lurking EVERYWHERE is such an anxious environment and I'm sure your DD has very much picked up on all of this

And I agree with whataload . We are just trying to help OP

Others may disagree but as a mother children with anxiety disorders I have found that by sheilding them completely from the situation that causes them anxiety it only feeds it or another issue manifests itself. However, the sufferer does needs strong support and encorouragement during the process. You cannot go through life avoiding everything that makes one uncomfortable, or you will be completely secluded and isolated. It's learning how to cope and gaining confidence when they have managed a situation that caused the anxiety. There will be difficult times in any child's life and it's a natural instinct to want to take it all away, but it's how we learn, a child with mental health issues just needs extra guidance and support. Perhaps you could go visit some schools and take it through with the head.

Does your husband open your daughters presents before she sees them?

I am sorry you are in this situation, it's not easy. It's hard enough living with someone with mental health but it's impossible if the suffer won't seek help.

Living like this you will end up with depression again (trust me, I know), but it's not just you, you have to put your daughter first and really think what is better for her in the long run.

I suggest you find a therapist or speak to your GP and get some insight and support from a professional.

OP please get help today. You all need to open up your doors to support and unravel this situation.

Children learn from their parents. You, esp your dh has taught your child to be so anxiouse. I dont think the little time she spent in a music lesson is a good indicater of how she would cope with school.

Your options are keep letting your dh home schooling and warping your daughters world till she ends up an adult with the same problem

Or try and help her by putting her in school. Yes itll be hard but at least shell have some normailty

The best option woukd be leave your husband untill he gets help.

dizzeeborg yes that is exactly the problem I am having. People who wouldn't ever consider H-ed to be better than school clouding the issue of whether or not it is in this specific case.

I do know that she would be fantastically miserable and crippled with anxiety if she went to school now. I know because that is how she has reacted to every even slightly structured activity I have tried to expose her too over the last year. I also know that she is getting better at coping. She copes for longer each time in the lessons she attends and is continuing to be keen to keep trying each week. So I continue to believe that slowly building her confidence and stamina is the way forward, not dumping her in school and hoping after a few months of screaming and trauma it somehow gets better.

FWIW both me and DH loved school in the most part. I was only bullied for a couple of years - the rest was a really positive experience. But my DD isn't me.

'...as a mother of children with anxiety disorders I have found that by shielding them completely from the situation that causes the anxiety feeds it or another situation manifests itself.'

This is the crux and agree completely with this.

By keeping your daughter away from anxiety causing situations, you are not solving anything.

It's still there you've just removed some triggers. But there will be more triggers that you can't remove as she gets older. By then ideas and fears will be so deep rooted that the work required to help her will be huge. She needs to have her anxiety acknowledged by the SEN department at a school, and be given the tools to deal with them now. The GP needs to be on board.I have worked with so many children suffering with anxiety over the years. The younger the child the easier it is to help them

Her idea of 'normal' is her home environment and being home educated. I have nothing against home education, but your husband is not equipped to deliver this.

Ideally, you should leave the ex and take your daughter and get her in a local school with the best SEN team you can find. Tell husband that he must address his MH issues, then you can talk about returning. The house needs decluttering before you think of returning.

Most schools would do a phased start for your daughter, then a reduced timetable which is built up. A SENCO worth their salt would talk you through all these options before you enrol your DD. I certainly would

Good luck.

Why do you think that a school would be a place where your DD is 'dumped and left screaming?'

Visit schools and meet the SEN teams before you write it off completely.

On the other issues - DH has basically apologised on all fronts, acknowledged that things really need to change, and most importantly acknowledged that he hasn't been able to shield DD from his anxieties sufficiently. We have talked before about the fact that I don't think DD being surrounded by that level of anxiety day in day out is at all appropriate, so hopefully acknowledgement that he is failing on that front will be the catalyst to change. Either he needs to get a job so I can go part time and look after DD, or he needs to get help controlling the OCD.

We actually have identical qualifications, so I may raise the idea of job sharing with him again.

I think that's a good start. I am concerned that he and your dd are very much in their own bubble, and that kind of isolation can exacerbate mh problems.

Please ensure he actually follows through on his words today, and straight away. Apologies and promises are not enough. Action is required.

That is a good start, in particular him acknowledging that it isn't useful or healthy for your DD, now he needs to show you how he will work on trying to resolve it by seeking professional help, he should to this for both you and your DD. You are important as well.

I also think it would be beneficial for your DD to see someone to help her through her anxieties via controlled activities.

Your daughter's life will be ruined if you don't do something about this.

How is she expected to function in the real world with this OCD? Not long ago there was a man here whose wife had contamination OCD and had become abusive thought it all.

To put it bluntly, if your DH dropped dead, she would still get an education and be okay in the long run.

With his condition he should not be her main educator at all. A school would not allow a teacher behaving like your husband does and passing their OCD beliefs on to pupils.

The parents would be up in arms about it. I certainly would be onto the LEA if the matter wasn't dealt with.

Doing nothing about it is failing your DD.