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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just handed back my wedding ring, not sure what happens next...

168 replies

IceBeing · 29/08/2016 21:51

No real drama, no OW or OM, just mental health problems and a total lack of kindness or consideration left in the relationship.

Final straw today was that I decided to try and help out clearing a big pile of junk that resulted from a combination of a shelf collapsing in our kitchen and my DD's birthday, both of which happened over 3 months ago.

When DH found out he was stomping and sulking because I shouldn't have touched the piles of junk and because I had he now had to retrace everything I had done and wash everything and put all DD's toys and presents back into a pile of junk.

The reason for this being that one of the bags contained a hand painted wooden box DD (5yo) had been given by a friend at her birthday. And because DH doesn't know what paint was used it is by default toxic...and so is anything it touched, anything that even might have been in the same bag, anything that was in the room when I opened the bag etc. etc.

So my DD can't have that present, or the other ones in the bag with it, she can't have her toys from the party back and our house is slowly being consumed by increasing piles of junk that noone but DH is allowed near, but that he never gets around to doing anything about.

I can't go in one of the rooms of the house and the garage has been off limits for around 4 years.

So my attempt at increasing the net amount of kindness in the house has back fired epically. I just can't do it anymore.

But what now?

OP posts:
Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 22:45

I did actually push DH a bit that we should get her seen by someone after a crazy incident at an airport...but he was convinced that would do more harm than good in terms of tests etc.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2016 22:46

is he best placed to decide whether or not to go for a diagnosis? He sounds a bit paranoid.

Runoutoftime16 · 29/08/2016 22:50

Your daughter should be at school. There is lots of SEN support now in schools.

School is not just about learning the 3 r's it's about learning to get on with others and making friends of her own age.

Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 22:51

See the panic in her when she gets in a classroom environment, yes I think she is very much better off with her father than that.

I worry constantly that my illness is the cause of her problems. It is also possibly the other way around. Her tendency from birth to fail to sleep, to scream non-stop for most of the time she was awake, to refuse to be held by anyone other than DH or me (but only if I had my boobs out, and not even then unless I was wearing beige) certainly contributed to my MH problems. Either way, the past is gone and can't be changed. DD and I have a good relationship, just not as close as her and DH - which I think is natural given he is SAHP

OP posts:
Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 22:53

I'd rather she got to know how to get on with other children in a comfortable environment with no bullying, casual racism or sexism tbh. Most weeks it seems all she does is socialise...although she has started to learn to read recently.

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oldbirdy · 29/08/2016 22:57

I strongly advise you to buy and read a book called 'Anxious kids, anxious parents' or something very similar. It explains how an anxious parenting style, driven by the best motives of love and desire to protect, can actually strengthen and maintain anxiety responses in children. This book will help you develop a reassuring but not reinforcing responding style - whatever your dp does.

Separately, I wonder if it's ultimatum time. You can't go on like this and it isn't rational or reasonable. It sounds like his ocd is running out of control but it is treatable. He arranges treatment within the next month, or you leave. Would that work?

Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 22:58

mummy no, possibly not. I will talk to him about it again, and of course I can just take my worries straight to the GP as well.

OP posts:
FathomsDeep · 29/08/2016 23:00

This is all very sad OP. If you pursued a diagnosis you could access so much support and help for your DD.

oldbirdy · 29/08/2016 23:03

Your parenting style seems to be strongly protective having read your latest posts. You talk of lead paint as a valid concern, of classrooms as full of testing, bullying, casual racism and sexism. This is a very catastrophism view. Do you think these are the dominant factors in a year 1 classroom? It seems like your fear of things that might happen or are minor parts of life which help build resilience (I'm not talking about major bullying etc of course, but these things do not happen to the vast majority of 5 year olds) is preventing you from seeing what is actually happening, which is that DD is being home educated by a man whose behaviour is irrational and paranoid. To me that is more of a worry than the theoretical possibility that she overhears a casually racist or sexist remark....

Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 23:03

oldbirdy thank you for that link - will check it out. I can't imagine an ultimatum. I think it is all just natural consequences of the choices he is making or failing to make. It certainly isn't that I woudl demand he be fixed, but some sort of evidence that he is prioritising normalizing family life as much as possible would go a hell of a long way towards giving me some hope again. But I don't think he will do it. I think he would rather see me walk away.

I think he honestly believes he is better off with this illness than rid of it. He knows he has OCD but thinks it 'helps' him be a parent in some way.

I heard a news article about some far off possible gene therapy cure for OCD and mentioned it to him, and it was so clear that he wouldn't take such a thing if it was available now. I find it so hypocritical because he was constantly on at me to go on ADs and get therapy. When I point this out, there is a certain, 'yeah but there is no upside to depression' vibe to his responses....

OP posts:
FathomsDeep · 29/08/2016 23:10

So he won't ever get help for his OCD because he believes it helps him to keep his DD safe? This is a very skewed perspective, as you must know. And a potentially very damaging environment for a child to grow up in.

Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 23:10

oldbirdy I find I can't really disagree with you over all. There were lots of threads on here about the way in which sats were turning peoples kids into nervous wrecks and turning them off actual learning. There were also lots of people saying that schools were teaching to the test from the get go. But if it wasn't for the way she reacted to nursery, and reacts now to classrooms, I would probably just say ah well she's bright so she'll make it regardless. After all I made it through school in spite of testing and bullying so bad someone was temporarily excluded....

Given who she actually is though, I am not sure she could cope at the moment. Maybe in a years time she would, but not now.

But is the h-ed actually going to be positive given her fathers MH? God it is really such a mess.

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HeddaGarbled · 29/08/2016 23:13

I dispute your nature versus nurture conclusion. I think she is being brought up in a highly dysfunctional environment. And don't take the responsibility for this on yourself. Your partner is the one who is controlling her upbringing. You are just complying.

You say she can't cope in a mainstream environment but actually you've just made that up because she's never been in a mainstream environment except for some random music class. Home ed can be brilliant for some children but I don't think that your partner is suitable as a home educator because of his mental ill health.

I think you need to reach out to all the support that is out there for you and your daughter, starting with your GP.

Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 23:13

fathoms yes I agree. I was really startled that he seemed so ambivalent towards getting well again. I had assumed he didn't want to take any drugs because he didn't think they would help (and to be fair they often don't) and had given up on therapy having had a few relatively unsuccessful stints with it. But the idea that if someone could rock up and switch it all off painlessly and without sideeffects he would rather keep it? It really threw me.

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Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 23:19

Hedda she has been in various 'classes' over the last year and was in nursery for a period before that. All of these environments have caused her serious problems.

I guess I can't know she would have problems in school without putting her through a test run - but tbh that was the point of the music classes, they are structured, kids expected to sit and behave for a whole 45 mins. She is quite good at the sitting and behaving, but goes to pieces the moment anyone else in the class starts acting up...which in a class of 12 is about once every 10 mins. She gets panicky and starts to cry...which rapidly escalates if people try to reassure her, by either speaking to her or touching her.

Or maybe I'm just making this all up!

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oldbirdy · 29/08/2016 23:21

Here's a short piece about the book I recommended. It is a bit American but it is sound advice. You can see it's miles away from your dh's approach.
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-author-speaks/201406/anxious-kids-anxious-parents

LondonBus · 29/08/2016 23:21

As a parent of a child diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, had sensory processing difficulties, who school refused and absolutely hated the school he was at to the point he became depressed aged 8....and I took him out of school because it was better for him just not to be there...

I say you need to find the right school for your child because she will be better off there than being H-ed by parents with the problems you have.

You seem to think it's OK for you to walk away, but your DD should stay? You need to give that some long hard consideration. Either you stay and try to improve the situation or you both leave. If it's not acceptable for you, why is it acceptable for your DD?

I totally get the paint thing. Your DH thinks this is him being a good parent. He believes he is doing the best for her. If you leave it unchallenged it will escalate and your DD will end up isolated.

JinkxMonsoon · 29/08/2016 23:22

I'm not denying that your DD may have some undiagnosed issues here, but my gut feeling is that you (as in, you and your husband together) are projecting an awful lot of your own issues onto her. Is it really plausible that a newborn baby could have such intense sensory issues that they could only be held by their mother if she wore beige? I'm sorry, that's just not a plausible scenario.

I really think it's very damaging for her to be home educated by your husband with his severe OCD and rituals.

Are you in the UK? It doesn't sound like you are.

Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 23:23

I hate that I am complying more than anything about this. I hate that when I suggest something me and DD can do together DH will veto it and I just roll over.

I hate that I let him exclude her from friends birthday parties or events I could take her to at work. I hate that have to turn down offers of dinner from work colleagues making me as well as DD and outsider.

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FathomsDeep · 29/08/2016 23:25

You can't let your DD stay with a man who is so out of touch with reality that he believes his MH issues are beneficial, even desirable.

You all need help and support. You cannot make your DH engage with the MH services but you can insist that your DD is properly supported. Why aren't you doing this? You say she doesn't have a diagnosis. Have you ever consulted a medical professional (HV, GP etc) about her anxiety?

Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 23:27

Jinkx of all the things you could poke at ...okay...actually it didn't have to be beige...it had to be plain dull coloured with no patterns. So black, brown, cream, white even was fine but nothing coloured and nothing patterned. It really happened and lasted from about 6 weeks to about 9 months. All those baby toys with black and white stripes or red and yellow splashes or mirrors? All totally scream provoking for the first 6 months. I still remember the first time she actually lay on a playmat and didn't start screaming - it was such a pivotal moment.

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oldbirdy · 29/08/2016 23:27

He is teaching her that the world is unsafe and dangerous and that you need to be at home with just Daddy and / or Mummy to be safe. He doesn't mean to, but he is. That is very damaging. He needs help. Regardless of whether she is sensitive, this situation won't be a long term resilience builder for her.

LondonBus · 29/08/2016 23:27

it really plausible that a newborn baby could have such intense sensory issues that they could only be held by their mother if she wore beige

I can easily believe this and would add the mother can wear no perfume either. The screaming's not worth it.

Original poster
IceBeing · 29/08/2016 23:28

fathoms no, I let DH convince me it wasn't in her best interests to be poked prodded and tested. You are right - I need a slap in the face and to do something. I think I have been thoroughly disempowered in my parenting and I need to change that regardless what happens next.

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FathomsDeep · 29/08/2016 23:30

I hate that I let him exclude her from friends birthday parties or events I could take her to at work. I hate that have to turn down offers of dinner from work colleagues making me as well as DD and outsider.

He sounds very controlling OP. Leaving him is the right decision. But take your DD with you. I understand that it must seem very complicated because of the home ed situation. But you cannot leave her there with a man who has such MH issues.