Just handed back my wedding ring, not sure what happens next...

[IceBeing]

No real drama, no OW or OM, just mental health problems and a total lack of kindness or consideration left in the relationship.

Final straw today was that I decided to try and help out clearing a big pile of junk that resulted from a combination of a shelf collapsing in our kitchen and my DD's birthday, both of which happened over 3 months ago.

When DH found out he was stomping and sulking because I shouldn't have touched the piles of junk and because I had he now had to retrace everything I had done and wash everything and put all DD's toys and presents back into a pile of junk.

The reason for this being that one of the bags contained a hand painted wooden box DD (5yo) had been given by a friend at her birthday. And because DH doesn't know what paint was used it is by default toxic...and so is anything it touched, anything that even might have been in the same bag, anything that was in the room when I opened the bag etc. etc.

So my DD can't have that present, or the other ones in the bag with it, she can't have her toys from the party back and our house is slowly being consumed by increasing piles of junk that noone but DH is allowed near, but that he never gets around to doing anything about.

I can't go in one of the rooms of the house and the garage has been off limits for around 4 years.

So my attempt at increasing the net amount of kindness in the house has back fired epically. I just can't do it anymore.

But what now?

[IceBeing]

Okay - the point at which this was useful and helpful more than it was a virtue signalling parade has come and gone. Many thanks to all those who gave me some very helpful support, ideas and encouragement. (You know who you are and feel free to check in by PM if you have any other information you would like to impart.)

The rest of you might want to reconsider the effectiveness of labelling someone a 'child abuse enabler' when they are in the midst of fighting to address the concerns that they themselves have raised, and about which you know barely more than nothing via an extremely inefficient method of communication.

[Counterpane]

"An interesting threshold has been crossed that I don't think my DH saw coming, which is that while he can insist on me not talking about or admitting his OCD to family and has asked me to lie about the reasons DD isn't allowed certain things or places, he can't do the same thing to DD. So we witnessed first hand her trying to explain to a relative why their offer of calligraphy paint wouldn't be accepted before either of us could make something up. "

So, if you had seen it coming, you would have joined in with his deceit in front of your child? That is actively enabling him, right there. I have no doubt that next time he will have a reason all lined up and ready to be spun.

It sounds like he is actively enjoying, protecting and preserving his MH issues and why wouldn't he - it gives him the power to completely control everyone who lives in his house!

If he truly believes the clutter is contaminated then why hasn't it been thrown out, given to charity, or returned to the people who gave it to you? No, he would rather use it to enforce no-go zones in your home.

If Russia ever invades the west you have got enough red flags to make bunting.

[category12]

I don't think it's enough for him to "try some things first" - it's just shutting you up for the meantime until it comes to a head again later on. Insist he seek treatment now. He can try his other things alongside professional help. Don't be palmed off with less.

[Iamdobby63]

Sorry I didn't see you had replied before I asked the question of therapy again.

I honestly think you need to make it a requirement if he wants to work on your marriage. I just think he has been living in this bubble and in his world it's all quite reasonable and acceptable because he has learnt the art of avoidance, therefore it's seldom he has to face anything he doesn't have control over. I don't think you mean to feed it but sadly I think your compliance has, going along with the rule that you can't visit other people's houses for example.

Did you think any more on the job share?

[flibbidygibbet]

This sounds like an awful situation. Its not fair on your dd. No wonder she is anxious. Even if she was born with this anxiety, this home life cannot be helpful at all.

Wannabe's last post sums it up well. Please imagine how you'd feel stuck at home all day every day with this irrational, cruel man.

[MaudGonneMad]

I remember your thread about your DD at the airport. It was awful. How can you doubt that she is being seriously affected by your DH's mental health issues? She needs more help than you or your DH seem able to give her.

[GeorgeTheThird]

Can you explain Op why you have agreed to hide and lie about your husband's reasoning and excuses for not doing things? I really think you need to examine your thought processes around this issue.

[WindPowerRanger]

OP would you be able to arrange a tutor for your DD one or two afternoons a week? She would get exposure to someone else, and your DH would get a free chunk of time with which to pursue treatment. Also, having someone else participate in her education would provide you with a valuable outside perspective on how she is doing and what she finds difficult.

It could be a useful transition phase to something other than HE, or just a helpful supplement to it.

Whatever you do, I think the first, key issue is making an attitudinal shift that enables you to debate, negotiate, argue etc with your DH as needs be, rather than automatically accept his decisions and vetos. He is with your DD more, but your views on what she needs are perfectly valid and important.

[JinkxMonsoon]

I have to say, I think Wanna has hit the nail on the head. It sounds like you have developed a kind of Stockholm Syndrome regarding your husband's OCD, and have become so accustomed to pandering to his rituals and disordered thinking, it no longer feels wrong to you. You ARE minimising hugely.

[QueenJuggler]

OP you are massively minimising what is happening here.

[TooDamnNosyy]

I don't have anxiety and couldn't imagine what is going but reading what you are saying i'm pretty sure i have an idea!!! Its seems at the start you were all for accepting your DH has severe MH problems and now people are agreeing you are cushioning how bad is actually is?! You have called this thread Just handed back my wedding ring not sure what happens next?.. I assume this is not the case.

There is absolutely NO DOUBT what should be done here and you know it yourself. Please take time away from this thread!

Good luck

[WannaBe]

"if you knew this child in real life you would know that your hysterical caricature of the situation is nothing like reality and would have no interest in calling SS whatsoever." so how have you misrepresented:

DD not being allowed some of her birthday presents due to imaginary contamination
DD not being allowed on certain play dates or to certain places due to fear of imaginary contamination
Places to visit having to be assessed due to fear of imaginary contamination.
Items needing to be removed if they have touched other imaginary contaminants.
You and your DD not being allowed in certain rooms of the house due to items having been hoarded there presumably due to the aforementioned contamination.
Having to put labels over DD's favourite toy to protect her from imaginary lead paint flaking.

And this child being kept at home and educated by the perpetrator of all this.

Hysterical? I don't think so. the very fact that you are downplaying this at all would make me more inclined to believe that things are much worse than you are prepared to write on here but this is as far as you feel you can go in thinking that people might believe that this can be resolved. It can't. And if you can't or won't see that then you have far bigger issues.

[Iamdobby63]

I asked earlier. Has your DH agreed to enter therapy again or has he only agreed to meditation each day? Does he recognise the impact his issues are having on DD?

[IceBeing]

lam I really did try to get to the bottom of why he won't try seeing someone - he has in the past and found it beneficial so it is all a bit odd.

He just says he has things he think will work to help that he hasn't tried, so he wants to do that first.

[IceBeing]

DD was around 3 when we took her out.

I know very well that I do things to minimise the anxiety level in the house. That was something I said I discussed with DH last night, and pointed out would have to stop.

[IceBeing]

wannabe if you knew this child in real life you would know that your hysterical caricature of the situation is nothing like reality and would have no interest in calling SS whatsoever.

I am sorry my posts have distressed you so much, but honestly you have gotten a hugely misrepresentative idea of the situation.

[QueenJuggler]

I have to say I also agree with Wannabe on this. Even though the cause may be a MH disorder, the end result is that your daughter is being abused.

I speak from bitter, bitter experience here - this will not end well for your DD if you don't protect her by removing her from this situation.

[WannaBe]

I have just read through this thread with increasing . if a woman posts that she is in an abusive relationship she is given a hard time if she doesn't leave because she is enabling her partner to damage the children.

Yet here a man is abusing his child through his MH, but because it is MH posters are talking about getting professional help etc.

This isn't good enough. Your DD is being abused here. She is being restricted by her father's irrational behaviours where he limits what she can do, have, where she can go right down to the point that he is the one responsible for her education. And rather than protect your DD from this you are enabling it by pandering to these irrational behaviours by stitching labels on to toys to avoid imaginary contamination . Your DH is an abuser. He is abusing your child, and you are culpable in that abuse by giving in to his demands for a quiet life.

It's not ok to bring a child up in this environment. In twenty years time she will be struggling with relationships and with anxiety which you have personally helped to cultivate.

She needs to be in school away from you both for periods of time. Keeping her locked up in a bubble is going to harm her development further. This is nurture not nature. You're deluding yourself if you think otherwise.

If I knew this child in RL I'd have called social services years ago.

As for your DH, he doesn't want to be helped. I have every sympathy for people who have MH issues and desperately don't want to have them, but he doesn't. He wants to be the way he is, therefore there is no way to help him, and the only answer, if you love your child, should be to get her away from him.

[Atenco]

Please don't let your experience of nursery colour your future decisions. They were awful. This behaviour would never sit in dds school

My dd took a long time to settle in at nursery, but they told me the truth, they never lied about it. I'm not surprised that your dd didn't settle with such unpleasant people.

How old was she when you took her out?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Yes LIZS. He has conditioned you op. You asked what was meant by anxious parents. We hear your DH is anxious. This type of behaviour you manifested is also anxious and not conducive to a happy, relaxed mummy. Bottom line, if neither of you can relax, your DD is going to be very damaged.

Please don't let your experience of nursery colour your future decisions. They were awful. This behaviour would never sit in dds school. The staff are under massive scrutiny as in any school. The SN kids have 1-2-1 support if necessary and all is done within the legal requirements.

[LIZS]

I stitched the label on because otherwise DH would have done it and life is too short for the amount of grief that would have taken.

I'm not clear whether you mean his anxiety would have made your and in turn your dds life intolerable until you/he had done it or if you felt the need to anticipate his reaction. Either way he has conditioned you to act as you did, that is not healthy.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Well, they sound like bastards.

My 2 and 3 year olds go to a lovely nursery where there is no way any DC woukd be treated like that

How is your health visitor? Could you speak to her for some recommendations of nurturing places?

[IceBeing]

gobbo I am somewhat ashamed to say that I spied during the last hour of one morning. Peaked in through the window a half dozen times during one morning after the staff declared a wonderful turnaround and said she was now 'settled' in. She was withdrawn and teary every time I looked baring the once she was eating toast.

I went in to pick her up all bright and breezy and said 'oh, she looks a bit miserable there' and got the standard, oh she's been fine, she just got a bit upset in the last 5 mins. Bollocks to that. She told me they had told her if she wouldn't stop crying she could just sit in the corner all day. I don't know if that is true obvs, but on the basis they were lying to me about things I had personally seen, I just took her out.

I stitched the label on because otherwise DH would have done it and life is too short for the amount of grief that would have taken.

I made the point to him last night that I felt his level of experienced threat and anxiety about lead had increased since DD was a toddler, which is illogical as she is getting older and doesn't mouth everything she touches anymore. I also pointed out that constantly appeasing the anxiety was a know way to increase is long term and that I hated being a part of that. He said he would think about that carefully.

In the end it always comes down to 'yeah but what are we really gaining by doing X that could possibly justify the unnecessary risk?' I say 'Well what can justify the additional threat of driving DD in a car?' Why not just stay in the whole time....but he doesn't have anxiety about driving the car so he just doesn't get it, or understand the comparison.

[LIZS]

Agree jinx, hence my comment re skewed perspective below. Feeling the need to do this, out of deference to h's mental health issues or for own reasons is not the norm. Maybe talk this through with gp on your own before tackling h. It doesn't sound as if he recognises the significance of his issues. Are there also rituals in place for when he has taken dd out to a group and returns home, to avoid cross contamination for example.

[JinkxMonsoon]

although I had to stitch some covering over the printed on logo on her favourite one so as to reduce the paint flaking risk

I have to ask, why do you do things like this? It is purely to placate your husband (in which case you are enabling and reinforcing his mental health problems) or do you also believe that paint poses a considerable health risk?