STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

By imperials logic, FIL shouldn't be invited either.

Yes sure she was the other woman but frankly now she's his wife (of more years than mil was!!) why shouldn't she be invited.

MIL needs to stop being so selfish and out her child first for one bloody day. She's under no obligation to speak to OW or FIL.

Sit them apart or invite MIL to ceremony and FIL to night do.

She clearly forgets that it's actually FIL that cheated on her, not the OW.

if SMIL is uninvited for the wedding, what happens on the birth of children and their parties, school plays and other familiy occasions? My daughter was raised with my SM being her nan, blood plays no role in their relationship. Would your mum expect potential grandkids to carry on this behaviour and deny their other nan?

This. I think that DPs mother is fully entitled to feel the way she does. But she should try to put these feeling aside for her sons sake.

She and her Ex can sit at opposite ends of the top table, they don't have to speak or interact in any way if they don't want to.

It's not like she is the first person who is divorced to have a child get married . Most pleple manage to suck it up for the day .

Of course she is free to not attend if she wishes. But she's setting an unfortunate precedent which she may regret later.

YY Baggycheeks and shovetheholly. I don't see why FIL and SMIL are being castigated when they don't even seem to be aware of the current position and this ultimatum. Because what else can "I won't go if she's there" be, other than an ultimatum? Just because it was said politely doesn't make it reasonable.

The fact that OP thinks that SMIL would be gutted but probably reject the invite to keep the peace suggests that she's not the monster that a lot of people are painting her as. As for FIL, in his position I would be angry that my DS was being made to choose between us after all this time. Sounds like relations have been good between SMIL and OP's partner, why wouldn't he want her at his wedding?

I have a lot of sympathy for MIL, clearly she was put through the ringer and she's never fully got over it. OP is sad about all the stuff that she's missed out on- holidays, companionship, etc etc. But it's been twenty years. At some point that and her continued hatred of the OW- to the point of effecting her decision making in relation to major family events- became a choice on her part, and other people (and I mean OP and MIL's own son) are now being impacted by that. If she genuinely feels she'll loose her temper or say something at her son's wedding I do think she would benefit from talking to someone and try to unpack where this level of continuing rage and resentment comes from. Even if she still didn't feel able to deal with being around SMIL it might still help her with her own emotions surrounding the divorce.

Even the idea of "setting a precedent" is awful.

You now know how hard it would be for your MIL to have to soend time with this couple.

But you are planning to keep inflicting this pain on her?

There is really no need for them to ever meet again.

Unless you are going to continue to arrange your lives in a way that suits your FIL at your MIL's expense.

The second wife behaved badly. It's time to make a conciliatory gesture.

And arguably FIL behaved worse. Should he say he's busy that day too?

I had this on my wedding day. MIL did attend after much deliberating and to be honest I hadn't appreciated how uncomfortable it would be on the day as I was just so relieved the situation had been resolved.

It hadn't. It was very awkward all round and it felt as if (now ex) DH and I spent the whole day placating both sides equally to the detriment of the other guests. In hindsight it would have been easier if OW hadn't attended, only FIL.

Fast forward 15 years and my aforementioned DH had an affair and left. My OW comes to everything she can get away with of DD's, ballet shows etc and it's beyond uncomfortable but I suck it up because I don't want a repeat of history for DD which probably shows how outrageously awkward my wedding day actually was.

This is your day. You and your DH. His parents both should be there to see him get married. In an ideal world any partners should be welcome to attend but not at the cost of an actual parent. Sadly, OW should gracefully bow out and FIL should accept it before your whole day gets overshadowed by their animosity.

Unless the ops dp is late 30's/40's, then the OW has had a part in raising him too, she's been part of his family for 20 years. His mum is asking him to not invite someone who is part of his family, albeit not part of hers. (As others have asked, does that mean there's step or half siblings that aren't welcome as well?)

If it's more it's the case that she's never been in the same room as the OW/step mum since FIL walked out, could a "trial run" be tried to get that over and done with? I had a friend who's parents hadn't seen each other for 15 years at the point she got married (marrying older so they'd not seen each other since she was old enough to get to his house without having to be handed over), she held an engagement party at a bar near hers so they could get the first meeting done before the wedding, but it was informal enough that if any wanted to leave early if upset it wouldn't be noticeable.

Could you suggest a trial run to mil? If there's going to be an Eastenders-style scene, best get it over and done with, particularly if you plan dcs together.

Do it - I don't think anyone is asking them to " spend time together " , they don't even have to talk, just be present at the same event along with many other people.

It's quite reasonable of the OPs partner to want all his family to be invited . Some people have behaved very badly in the past but that wasn't his fault.

The idea that his step mother can be permanently excluded from family events for evermore isn't reasonable. It's not 1950 and no one will shun her for being a scarlet woman .

Aftre 20 years I think FIL is reasonable to expect his wife to be recognised as such. Whatever anyone might think about the origins Of their relationship.

YY Baggycheeks and shovetheholly. I don't see why FIL and SMIL are being castigated when they don't even seem to be aware of the current position and this ultimatum

OP says FIL has made it clear how much it would mean for him to attend with his wife. That rather suggests he at least has some inkling of something. I guess it's possible that whatever worry led him to say it might relate to OP's DH being the one not to want SMIL there. But since they apparently have a reasonable relationship (although some posters seem to have assumed it was closer than OP has stated) it would be more logical for him to presume DMIL would be the driving factor.

I'm with the pp who told her parents they had fucked up enough of her life. It has been 20 year! MIL needs to get over it. Your stbdh has had the ow/sm in his life for 20 years, I'm quite sure he wants her there too.

He needs to speak to mil about all of the possible future events that will come up, as others have mentioned, babies etc. She needs to understand that this issue is not going to go away.

I think your STBMIL is being very dignified. Whether you agree with her emotions or not is irrelevant - they are her emotions - she has said that she isn't sure she can contain her feelings. Rather than disrupt your day and cause upset she has taken herself out of the situation. No doubt she is extremely sad at this and will always be.

Your STBFIL on the other hand is quietly pushing your STBDH to pick between them and he is picking STBFIL and his wife over his mother, who raised him as a single parent. The kind thing for them to do would be to recognise the feelings of his mother - whether they agree she is entitled to hold them after all this time is irrelevant - they are her feelings - His wife should politely decline - or just say she will turn up in the evening.

But, given the choices they made when he was young I am kind of betting they wont do this though

My friend recently attended her youngest daughters graduation alongside her ex husband and his wife who had been the OW some 13 years or so previously. It had been a deeply bitter divorce and my friend had a breakdown at the time as her mother also died at the same time. She has had another marriage that didn't work since then and was single at the time of this graduation. There had been no contact at all since the divorce and my friend had had panic attacks at various points over the years at the thought of seeing them both again. Friends, including myself, had often tried to help by talking things through, suggesting counselling and so on but the situation seemed impenetrable. The graduation in question had been deferred for two years because of this issue - the daughter wanted her parents there. The eldest daughter, by now 26, finally got things moving. She encouraged her father to write a sincere letter of apology about his behaviour in the marriage and about what had happened. This, whilst it upset my friend, did seem to heal things a bit. My friend, after a lot of discussion with her daughters, was aware how much they wanted to see their parents in the same room for things like the graduation and weddings, agreed to meet the ex for a coffee on neutral grounds as a pre-graduation celebration with the daughters. This again, was difficult for her but it got over the 'shock' element of seeing him and she was surprised at how calmly she managed it. They did all then attend the graduation successfully, OW too. There wasn't much contact between the two groups on the day but they were photographed together and so on. My friend now says the ex is possibly the most boring man alive, the OW didn't merit any comment. It has been a positive, cathartic experience and my friend says she feels lighter mentally now. The other thing that was helpful in this situation was that my friend had been doing a course in mindfulness which seemed to really help her on the day to just stay in the moment and focus on it being her daughters day. I had hoped that the OW would gracefully withdraw from attending the graduation but the daughters were clear that she would attend, they are reasonably fond of her and they wanted this to be a 'start as you mean to go on' situation, not to prolong the division.
I feel for the MIL in the OP's post - hurt just doesn't go away - but to miss her son's wedding is inflicting more pain on herself in the end and she will surely regret it.

This is a pretty common scenario and regardless of how much time has passed, it's easier said than done for people to have to face their nemesis across a room for the day and act like nothing ever happened. Especially if it's not a massive wedding, the atmosphere could be awful which is horrible for everyone involved.

The fear and the anxiety caused over what might happen, what might be said, the constant stress of spending the day trying to avoid one another or risk a very public scene is huge.

I think if it's important for the B&G that both parents are there and they are happy to get along(ish) for the day then I think it's okay to ask the OW to step down. However well she may get along with her stepson now, this is an often inevitable part of being the OW who played a part in the breakdown of a family and I think anyone with any decency would just suck it up rather than deprive someone of their own mother on their wedding day.

Of course it's possible the father may refuse to attend without his wife anyway, in which case you have a new problem.

it's a game of Rock Paper Scissors over which scenario trumps the other if one of them refuses to compromise.

Required outcome = both parents present and it's not of the utmost importance to the B&G that the OW attends but they are happy for her to.

Both parents + OW = not acceptable to Mother of Groom, outcome MoG not present

Both parents minus OW acceptable for MoG

Both parents minus OW not acceptable to FoG, outcome FoG not present

It's clear that as its not really important to the B&G for the OW to attend then the MoGs position trumps her ex husband's.

He needs to be asked to compromise and go alone. If he refuses then he must be the one to miss the wedding as its much less challenging and fraught with potential problems for him to go alone than for his ex wife to spend the day with the OW..

And arguably FIL behaved worse. Should he say he's busy that day too?

Mil probably does not want to see him either but he is dad so she has little choice to accept him there. OW is and always will be OW and mil has no cause or reason to accept her in her life.
I wonder how OW women react if OP and DF spoke to her and said mum feels uncomfortable and will not attend?
Would she accept fault at how mil was hurt and bow out or would she make demands and have a strop?

I second what dinosaur said, that it;s sad that the MIL is still laying the blame for the affair/split on the OW, and not her HUSBAND (at the time). It's down to him that the marriage ended, not (solely) her. She didn't make vows to MIL, he did. And he broke them.
Why is MIL ok about seeing him at the wedding, but not her?

DoinItFine - but there will be other occasions when the "normal" thing to do would be to invite your parents, and each time, will FIL have to pretend he's single? Dgc get to see other granny, but have to hide that from real granny? The op having to take it in turns who gets invited, FIL & smil or MIL, because you can't just ask everyone...

If MIL can cope being at social situations with the man who broke her heart, then once over the initial trauma, should be able to cope with his wife. If she couldn't cope seeing him, that's a different set of issues, but it's unfair to constantly make everyone else pretend she doesn't exist.

MIL needs to move on.

I speak as the betrayed wife whose exH married the OW. I met her before the split but not since. I fully expect her to be at family events such as weddings etc. That's the situation, I'm a grown up, I deal with it. My DC are in their 20s - there will be a birth or wedding soon, I know that.

my role model in this is the DM of a uni friend - I went to the evening do - the SM had done the full Mother of the Bride outfit - her DM arrived in the most stunning dove grey trousers and long tunic - looking sensational. I'll never look that good - but my goodness she carried that off with grace and ease.

I am a step mother. Back story I have been married to my DH for 18 years and I was never the OW as DH had been divorced for 2 years when we married. My stepsons have a dodgy relationship with their mum and I brought them up from 9 years old although I always insisted they kept in touch and visited etc even when they weren't keen. On stepsons graduation he had 2 tickets only to attend and asked his Dad and me to go. I told him it was important that his mum be there and although DH didn't like it he ended up going with his ex to their son's graduation and it was ok.
We now have stepsons wedding coming up and it will be tricky as my MIL hates Her ex DIL for the way she has treated her grandchildren in the past even leading to fisticuffs when they came across each other recently. My stepson has invited everyone and will make it clear that any problems will result in the instigator being removed from the wedding.
However it does cause problems with the seating plan. I am happy to be there and I will sit anywhere and I get on OK with his mum as I have reassured her over the last 18 years that I'm not here to take her place as her children's mum I have my own children, but that it doesn't mean I don't love them. MIL is an unexploded bomb waiting to go off though.
I don't think that uninviting the step mum will help in this situation and I understand that as she was the OW in this case there are many unresolved feelings for mum. My advice would be for step mum to write an email to mum saying that she apologises for being the OW and that perhaps she could have handled things differently at the time and that she doesn't want to take the ' mother of the groom' title at the wedding and how lovely it would be if she (mum) could make it for the sake of her son. He will have his wedding photos for ever and he and his wife and future grandchildren will need to see everyone there. If she still refuses to come then there's nothing anyone can do.

I don't think it's important who blames who for what. The important thing is for the B&G to have both parents present. For all we know the mother may blame her exH equally and dislike him just as much but she may just recognize that it's important for her son to have him there so she's prepared to make that compromise.

It's not important that the OW should be there so that to her is a compromise to far.

You did the Right thing.
Invited them all.
If your mil won't go if your fil's wife is there , that's her choice.

Let's say filw decides to bow out.
Then mil goes to the wedding. Everybody there will know filw has been excluded . It's frankly ridiculous.
Relationship breakdowns are complex. To insist on calling her OW is nonsense. She is more fil's wife than mil.

FIL won't hVe been excluded though, he will have refused the invitation to attend because he didn't like the attached conditions. That's not the same as being excluded.

And I think people are just calling her OW now because it's easier less and long winded than typing Grooms Fathers Second Wife!

Mil probably does not want to see him either but he is dad so she has little choice to accept him there. OW is and always will be OW and mil has no cause or reason to accept her in her life.
I wonder how OW women react if OP and DF spoke to her and said mum feels uncomfortable and will not attend?
Would she accept fault at how mil was hurt and bow out or would she make demands and have a strop?*

No.... She's not 'the other woman' anymore, quite simply because he is bloody married to her. She was the other woman when he was married to MIL, now she's his wife.

MIL doesn't have to accept her in her life, no. She has to accept that she is a part of her children's life though.

Well we don't know do we because we don't know her. To imply that she would have a strop is unfair, we don't know anything about her.

As for accepting fault, how do we even know if she knew she was the OW when the affair was happening? We don't. I'm sorry but if I was being cheated on yes of course I'd be angry at the other woman, but I'd be fucking livid with my DH, because he's the one that I'm married to, not her.

It's unfair not to invite her if she is and has been a big part of ops DH life. If she hasn't, fine, don't invite her.

Personally I'd be pretty fucking hurt if I was her and I was uninvited because MIL had thrown her toys out the pram because she couldn't be civil for less than 24hrs.

Yes what happened to MIL was horrible, and yes she has every right to not go if she feels she would rather not. That's her choice and she's entitled to make it.

I don't think it's unfair to exclude one person to make another happy. She's been married to FIL for a very long time. Whether MIL likes it or not, she's part of the family surely?

People keep mentioning that the wedding will set the template for future married life, esp children's christenings, nativity plays etc. Why wait for the wedding - can you set up a very short 'chance' meeting to lance the boil. As a pp said above, once you've got over the first few minutes it's not so bad. And better to do it in private than in front of all the friends and family at a public ceremony.

Bambam I so agree. SMil being graceful and not coming could lead to healing. Mil being pushed into a corner and feeling able to attend will only compound the hurt.

The OP has not mentioned any half siblings. Are there any OP?