STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

Feeling UN able to attend!

IzzyIsBusy - no, the exH is not part of the mil's life, now their son is an adult, he's part of her son's life but not hers. In the same way, his step-mum is part of his life and not his mums. If the dad left for her then they got married v quickly, I would imagine every access visit included her, she's been a big part of he grooms life (I am assuming he's younger than 38!), even if she's nothing to the grooms mother.

It is a similar relationship to my mum and mil, they are both part of my life but given distance, not part of each other's, beyond both being invited to things that effect me/the grandchildren.

I guess that's the mental leap the mil has never had to make, she still thinks of the ow as "the woman my husband left me for" or "my ex-husbands wife" not "my son's step-mother" - still sees her in relation to the exH not in relation to her child.

I never implied she would have a strop. I asked would she?

OW and Fil should be the ones in the difficult position as it was their actions that caused it not the sons or the mum.

Hurt has the expiry date that you choose. You can choose to carry it with you and have it affect your life on a daily basis, or you can choose to forgive and move on and forge a different life.

Holding on to hurt and hankering after the life you once had only hurts yourself.

Noone can destroy your life without your consent. Yes, they can disrupt, damage and destroy the life you are living in the moment. It can be tough to move forward. But you can choose to move on stronger having forgiven and leaving the past where it should be.

Everyone has hurt and difficult experiences. Not everyone chooses that to colour the rest of their life. That's a decision, in time there is always a choice in how you react or respond to the events in your life.

doingitfine he has not chosen yet. The invites have not gone out yet. this is what this thread is about. we are helping him choose!

Maybe MIL sees it as XH chose OW and now her son is choosing OW?

She's wants to be appreciated for being there for him when he was growing up - no doubt in reduced circumstances whilst he flitted off on the single life being a weekend dad while she dos the hard graft?

It doesn't matter that it's 20 years later - she's been his mother a lot longer than OW

Hurt has the expiry date that you choose

That is only true if you don't believe people have feelings.

If all it takes not to feel hurt about anything is to set an expiry datecof your choosing, then we can all go around treating each other like shit with no reason to stop.

"Just set the expiry date on being sad that I burnt down your house as tomorrow!'Job done."

Noone can destroy your life without your consent.

Tell that to the families of the victims of the Omagh bombings.

What crass, simolistic, victim blaming shite.

If you do great harl to another person, you do not get to make demabds about when they "get over" what you did.

I second what dinosaur said, that it;s sad that the MIL is still laying the blame for the affair/split on the OW, and not her HUSBAND (at the time). It's down to him that the marriage ended, not (solely) her. She didn't make vows to MIL, he did. And he broke them.
Why is MIL ok about seeing him at the wedding, but not her?

Erm, maybe because he's the parent and SMIL isn't? It's really bizarre how many people aren't even considering that as a possibility and simply presuming MIL is entirely motivated by greater blame of SMIL. As I said upthread, you don't have to agree with this view, but to not even acknowledge that someone might hold it seems very short sighted.

I wonder if the MIL would have a problem with FIL being there with another woman, if he hadn't married OW but someone else after the divorce?

It's just not fair to make children choose between parents. STBMIL needs to find a way to accept the reality of her exh's relationship - for her sake if nothing else. Being stuck in a time bubble of hurt isn't healthy. No one is expecting her to be chatting and happy with her exh and his wife but she should be able to be in the same room on important occasions for her childrens sake.

The hurt is undeniable but finding a way to cope that doesn't keep the fight going is important for everyone.

And by the same token, what if SMIL is asked to stay away, and FIL says he won't attend if she's not there, surely he too is using emotional blackmail? Fortunately for him, he hasn't been put in that situation.

finding a way to cope that doesn't keep the fight going is important for everyone.

Important for everyone else.

What is important for her is that she does not want to attend her son's wedding with the woman who broke up her marriage.

That should be respected.

It is not she who has been making gueslist demands.

It is her ex.

The one who walked out on her a small child for his girlfriend.

I think mil should have her bluff called and think it's terrible after all this time to act so terribly regarding her own son's wedding.
his Dad has been married to 2nd wife longer than he was to dp mum.
It was similar for my dh but his mum didn't give ultimatums and she had experienced the worst dv you can imagine, on top of the affairs, her life had been hell.
No way was she going to miss our wedding, they all attended and were civil.
Mil is out of order and being so selfish.

The FIL has already been using emotional blackmail to bring this situation about.

winefairyagain I am so sorry for your situation. You sound very calm and brave and your words are very wise.

OP I think if (highly unlikely) you 'persuade Stbmil to wedding with stbsmil then this is the atmosphere you could look forward to.

Stbmil has not asked for stbfil not to be there. She is reasonable and honest, she can't attend if step mum/OW is there. Possibly to avoid the scenario winefairyagain describes.

I agree totally with Bewty

XH is marrying OW next year. I fully expect that my DC will invite her, XH, me, to weddings, graduations, christenings etc.

I wouldn't dream of refusing to attend something that was important for my DC. Life goes on, and is short. Far too short to spend making an ongoing drama for other people out of something that happened decades ago. I do feel sorry for people who carry spite and bitterness around with them for year and years, but that just isn't me.

If MIL really isn't causing a fuss about it and isn't that bothered then just leave things as they are. You may even find she would be MORTIFIED if she thought you/DP had told FIL and SM that she was still so upset she wouldn't attend if SM is there.

Your husband invited a man who inflicted "the worst DV you could imagine" on his own mother to his wedding?

Fucking hell.

Mothers really come nowhere.

DoinItFine - hang on! You're comparing a divorce to mass murder? Hurt feelings to people actually dying? You don't think that's more than a little tasteless?

It's okay saying that FIL walked out on his small child.

No, he cheated on his wife. He married someone else.

By the sounds of it he always had contact with his son.

He was wrong for cheating, but if he was in an unhappy relationship then he shouldn't have stayed imo. Of course he should have left before he found someone else.

Ending a relationship doesn't always equal 'walking out' on your kids.

milky yes stbfil behaved badly. But no one is asking for him not to be there!

Nobody is asking mil not to be there either!

You're comparing a divorce to mass murder?

Nope.

I'm saying that it is trite, offensive nonsense to make statemenrs like "nobody can ruin your life without your permission."

I made no comparison to this situation.

Bewty
Is that really your experience - that people can just choose to move on from hurt? From pain?

It's not mine at all (unfortunately). Not with the really big stuff.

Sometimes emotional pain is so deep that it doesn't go away. You learn to live with it, because there isn't another choice, but it colours your whole existence.

Since STBMIL has kept her dignity, to the extent that her son doesn't know the circumstances of the affair and hadn't realised that she'd react this way, I think she's tried hard for a long time, mostly successfully, to rise above the betrayal and the break up of her marriage.

But her pain is so deep that she doesn't think she can cope with being with OW on her son's wedding day. I don't know what she's exactly worried about, but the ways of pain manifesting when it's deepened includes panic attacks, uncontrollable crying and feeling suicidal. (I'm not saying those are MIL's exact fears, just that they could be.)

She hasn't asked them not to invited OW - I'm sure she was tempted. But she was able to make a choice not to, which I admire.

I have an ex who's living with OW. He left 4 years ago and is still with her.

Based on my experience, reading on MN and talking to people on real life, I suspect that it's highly likely that your stbh was shielded from a lot of the nastiness that happened after the divorce.

Infidelity cuts a deep wound and women of her generation were less likely to have a career so much harder to support the kids. (Remember that mortgage rates hit 15% in 1990 ish. How did people pay?) Despite the CSA being introduced, the government estimate that only 80% of non-resident parents pay the correct maintenance.

I think that it is good that stbmil is accepting stbfil's presence and that is the best that you can expect. My ex and his siblings did not invite their father to their weddings. He left after an affair and is with OW 25 years later. I'm happy to accept that sometimes SM are fantastic people who bring joy to a child's life and that some couples are happy to split in the first place. As you were considering inviting her, I'm assuming that she was a positive influence on his life.

Stbmil has had to suck it up and accept her children, her ex's family and mutual friends of their's become friends with the woman who ruined her life and who continues to have the life that should have been hers. I can understand why she wouldn't want to see OW. Weddings involve alcohol- is she worried that it will mean that she will say something that she regrets?

Inviting OW means that your soon to be h is prioritising his father over mother. (Depending on his family setup it may be that OW deserves an invite over his mum ?)

People who put a time limit on other people's pain are idiots. The amount of pain you feel and getting over it is dependent on loads of factors and if MIL is able to cope being at the same wedding as her ex then I'd say she is over it to a large extent.

Nobody is asking mil not to be there either!

No but they are making her put how she feels to one side for the benefit of the 2 people who ruined her marriage and hurt her.
Mil has explained her reasons and they are valid for her. Her family should respect that and not pile on the guilt. Allow her to keep her distance if they are not willing to invite parents only but dont make the poor wonen go through something that will cause her pain and distress.