STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

No i dont know more just that fil making a point of saying he would like his wife to be there raises the question that he thought she may not be invited. If all is happy famalies why wouldnt she be automaticalky invited?

The minipulation came early on from fil not mil. Mil just has to yet again deal with what fil wants.

You describe my excitement situation. I would struggle to attend when the "OW" was there. It has nothing to do with "revenge" and everything to do with how she helped to completely destroy my life.

Those saying "grow up" can fuck off as far as I am concerned.

I think your DP just needs to accept it and try to understand his mother's feelings. She won't be doing this lightly.

I don't think this is MILS fault or FILS fault, or anyone elses fault. It really isn't much of an issue is it? MIL doesn't want to come because she doesn't want to see another invited guest. Can't you just leave her to her decision?

Doinitfine that was rather unpleasant and uncalled for

DH has an aunt like this. She didn't go to her daughter's wedding (maybe 25 years ago). Both women did come to a family party about 4 years ago and were just about ok. The really sad thing now is that the first wife tends not to be invited to things which really upsets her, especially as her son who still lives with her (at maybe 45) gets an invitation. So all I would say is def always invite them both and it's up to them to attend or not.

I also wondered if FiL has a second family with his DW. Because if so, the OP's DP isn't just being asked to uninvite his SM and cause upset with her and his DF, he's probably opening a huge can of worms with his siblings and setting a precedent that this family drama will keep going for the next generation. Christenings, children's birthday parties etc - it will be a nightmare if both grannies can't come, if uncles and aunts are muttering in corners etc. Is the OP going to be explaining 25 yr old infidelities to her 3 yr old when they ask why Granny B can't come to their birthday party?

I think it isn't reasonable to still be fighting this war 20 years later. My PiLs and FiL's ex have and it's meant that DH and SiL basically have zero relationship with their half sibs and the half sibs kids have zero relationship with their GF. Which I think is really sad.

I feel really sad for your STBMIL.

There's no expiry date on pain. Those saying she should just get over it are taking too simplistic a view. Time doesn't necessarily wipe away wounds, ask all those on the Stately Homes thread who still feel a deep sense of pain from their childhood. Everyone has the right to feel how they do, whether it is convenient for the time frame of others or not.

Personally I think the SM should be given the opportunity to gracefully withdraw and enable both parents of the groom to attend peacefully and happily.

That may actually be the first step towards healing for all concerned.

I haven't yet read the full thread (i'm at page 4) but this is a subject that has affected our family.
Weddings are very emotional days, they are full of promises of loving, caring and being there in sickness and in health and excluding all others, that last line is a powerful promise and the FIL broke that. That's a very difficult pill to swallow even 20 years later.

My sister got married first, both my parents went without partners, they managed to be civil but it was very emotional, by the time I got married both parents had partners and so I believe they found it easier second time round to attend a childs wedding.

The surprise to me on my sisters wedding day was actually the grooms family! His father also had an affair, his wife never got over it and at the point of the wedding the OW had been married longer than his parents had been. His mother is a fighter (scary bossy lady!) she arrived, she was civil and put on a very brave face, until the OW arrived at the evening reception and had changed into HER wedding dress. Fair to say Mum struggled, OW was made to leave and it really did put a dampener on the evening.
Regardless of this being 'your day' its a reminder to others of the vows they have made and for those wronged, no matter how long ago, it hurts. It would be great if she could come, but if the OW does also come she really must understand how difficult this day is and behave accordingly - only you and DP know what she's like and if she can have empathy for the exwife, from there you can decide who should be encouraged to come, but not made, you cant make his Mum come.

My ex-husband recently remarried (I already have and have more DC) I was very taken aback at how much it affected me some 16 years after we split!!

We have for the most part co-parented well and there certainly was never any game playing on either side. However there have been some times when his behaviour has hurt me very much and damaged the relationship between DD and I.

So if I was being invited to a happy occasion where I wouldn't be confident of being able to "fake it" in terms of me playing the happy mother role I would likely decline because I wouldn't want to risk spoiling the actual day itself.

She's not fighting a war.

She's just declining an invitation.

To an event that (yet again) privileges what her ex wants ahead of how she might feel.

Her son was asked to pick a side.

By his Dad.

His son picked his Dad's side.

His mother has probably had enough of her feelings coming nowhere for these men.

To borrow from the great Mr Bennett, the fault is with FIL and SMIL, so should the remedy be. SMIL shouldn't go and FIL was a dick to try and emotionally blackmail her in.

Also I think the people expressing concern that MIL blames OW more are projecting a bit. We don't know whether she does or not. It's entirely possible that she's more/equally pissed off at FIL, but feels it's important enough for both parents to be there that she can get past it in a way she can't for a non-parent. You don't have to agree with that view, but it should be acknowledged as a possibility. On the subject of things we don't know, people are also assuming there'll be lots more family events where they'd 'have' to be together. There might, there might not. We don't know if OP and DH want children, or whether they'll have them christened if they do. It would definitely cause an issue in my family, but not everyone has lots of get togethers.

Lastly, I think OP you have to back DH up on whatever he decides.

It's unfair of either parent to make their child effectively pick a side, and that's pretty much what this boils down to. If they want to see them get married, then both sides need to suck it up and deal with who is (or isn't invited) as your DP sees fit.

As it is, I'm guessing that 20 years is the larger part of your DP's lifetime, I'm struggling to see why a significant relationship of that length, as your FIL's wife will be to him, should be ignored if your DP would also like to be able to celebrate his marriage to you with all of the adults involved in his upbringing.

What sort of precedent does it set for when the first grandchild comes along, or you want to do birthdays/Christmas/[name holiday here] with "his side"?

Personally, I'd be going to go down the "I won't be choosing between you and dad and wife", and then not be drawn into further discussion with his mum as to who is invited. Or elope

At what point does the FIL's wife stop being the OW, considering they've been together longer than he was with his first wife?

I think it really depends on the people in question.

It's perfectly possible that it's emotional blackmail. It's also possible that STBMIL just feels like it would be too much for her and is trying to make it easy for you by not attending. You know her best. Either way, I'd be trying to find a way that she can attend because even if she wasn't bitter before, you shrugging and saying "ok" will leave her feeling rotten.

I've seen two weddings with similar (although one was the father of the groom who had been wronged). In both cases, everyone attended in the end and all found it surprisingly ok, even having a 'putting it all behind us' drink together after years of hate and months of anxiety about the wedding. The expectation can be a lot worse than the event.

The right thing to do would be for the second wife to apologetically plead a previous engagement so that the mum can be there. All very well saying it's only a few hours, be selfless, but when you're heartbroken and years later it still hurts it's not so easy to do.

The second wife behaved badly. It's time to make a conciliatory gesture.

She is only spiting her son if she doesn't go. He will be hurt, whether he admits it or not. He will say he is OK with it, he will say he understands, but he will be hurting because she isn't there. Don't underestimate how much that can damage a relationship.

I know MIL has been hurt, but imo all she is doing is taking that hurt & passing it onto her son. She is using his special day to make a point, and your wedding day isn't the time or place for her show of stubbornness.

And no, I don't speak as the child of divorced parents because of an affair, but I do speak as a child of divorced parents whose mothers used to pull this crap. And who no longer has a relationship with her.

Aside from which, you don't have to be the child of divorced parents because of an affair, to have a valid opinion on threads like this.

Personally, I'd be going to go down the "I won't be choosing between you and dad and wife", and then not be drawn into further discussion with his mum as to who is invited.

He already has chosen.

It's quite enlightening in this thread that people are ranking emotions. As is the venom aimed at the OW, Rather than the Grooms father.

As other posters have eluded to, This would set a precedent for future family gatherings and would look like choosing sides.

I'd not get involved at all, I'd invite who I wanted to be at my wedding, Then let adults decide if they want to attend.

Yes onion really because this is not about how long anyone has been married, it is about relationship s. It totally is the OP's soon-to-be-Dh's choice, but so would be very sad (in the op's shoes) if he chose step mum over mum!

DoinItFine - I disagree. I think if she was just declining an invitation that would be fine. What seems to be happening is her son is being put under pressure to make a gesture of uninviting his SM of 20 years, which would be extremely noticeable.

If she is just not wanting to attend that is different and I think the soon-to-be married couple should say they will miss her on the day but accept her decision, rather than suddenly starting family feuds on her behalf.

And I think the OP did say she was worried that this would set a precedent for future family occasions. I agree. I think it can. At least, it has done in DH's family and everyone has wound up a loser.

20 years is a long time, but the pain someone goes through following an affair can last a lifetime. After all, your MIL probably went through hell for a good few years, and it actually took away her future happiness and probably had a huge effect on your DP too. I am guessing your MIL remained the main carer of your DP following the affair, and brought him up in what will have been difficult circumstances. Putting myself in her situation, I don't think I could be in a room with OW even after all these years. I think your DP should have a discussion with his father and wife suggesting that on this occasion, his wife should step back and let the mother enjoy this special day. So I too agree with Imperial.

Doin I don't agree, I think that by saying what they have, his parents are trying to make him choose. And it's horribly unfair. Children of divorced parents (generally, and in my experience) have enough to contend with because of their parents' decisions, why does that have to extend to their wedding day?

There is no neutral "not involved" position here.

Particularly not after the father's successful attempt to force his son's hand against his ex.

You have to pick - the woman who carried, birthed, and raised you, or the man who walked out on her and a very young child to have some sex.

You can pretend asking your mother to be miserable for your wedding day, so that you can llay happy families with the couple who destroyed yours, is not taking sides.

But it is taking the side of the people who betrayed her and caused her enormous pain.

It is treating your mother not as a person, but as a prop.

"Just show up to my wedding, paint on a happy face, and act the part. I don't give a fuck if my wedding day is the worst day of your life as long as I am happy."

At what point does Fil's wife stop being the other woman

Umm, never - actions have consequences and not everything has an expiry date.

FIL's wife should not attend, MIL needs to be there. Time doesn't erase the hurt, & FIL is being (deliberately?) insensitive in insisting OW attends.

Indeed doin. I think people are kidding themselves if they pretend there could be, and also that's a big part of why OPs DH feels so conflicted: because he understands that. The stuff about 'I won't be choosing' all sounds well and good, and it would make life much easier if it were possible not to make a choice, but it seems everyone involved here understands that's not the case.