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Original poster

STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

605 replies

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 24/08/2016 23:03

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

OP posts:
flamingnoravera · 25/08/2016 08:32

I really feel for you all in this (apart from the OW). Speaking as someone who was dumped 18 years ago for the OW and who now has a son aged 22 who will marry sometime soon and who will have to cope with this exact scenario.

I have not engaged with or been in the same room as the OW since it all happened and I have no desire to be anywhere in her vicinity. I still dislike her as much as the day it all kicked off and I found out. I would not piss on her if she were on fire and I honestly dont know if I could do a wedding and smile sweetly whilst she smirked thinking she had "won".

I think I might be inclined to say that whilst I know I "should" be able to cope and I know I "should" be able to rise above it all. I am not sure that I could and so in the best interest of all I might be inclined to say that I would not attend if she were there too. I know that I should be able to do all the right things but just the idea of it all makes me feel sick.

Feelings are not rational and it sometimes feel like the feelings of the OW and my ex were ok and allowed because they were in LURVE, whilst my feelings of hurt, shock, abandonment, betrayal and sheer disbeleif that he and my friend could do that were not OK and I was supposed to get over them because they were unhealthy.

I would see if you could have a talk with your STBMIL and see if you can help her to see that you do understand and that you will do what you can to help her to feel safe. It is her feeling unsafe that is probably what is driving her to say what she is doing. I certainly dont feel safe when I think of this situation. I would be feeling very vulnerable if I were her.

Maybe you could consider putting the OW on a table further back whilst the father and mother sit on the top table with their son? After all she is not blood and is not his mother. Please dont expect her to just get over it, this rocked her world and it is another reminder of how hurt she was when she was trying to do her best to bring up their son.

Go gently with her and show her some sympathy. She might come round. YOur partner may need to do some hard talking with his dad too about how his wife needs to be around his mother.

Summerlovinf · 25/08/2016 08:33

I think it's up to your MIL to decide if it's more important to her to attend her son's wedding, or to avoid the hurt of being in the same room as the OW. Would it help if she brought a friend or if she could sit on the top table for the meal with your FIL's wife sitting with other friends? Would FIL and his wife be ok with that?

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 08:33

She has to be able to be in the same place as this woman.

No. She doesn't.

She's a person in her own right and entitled to draw her own boundaries and have her feelings respected.

It's sad for her son that his parents marriage ended in such a poisonous way that one of them is still hurt 2 decades later.

Seems quite unfeeling to blame that on the person who didn't choose it, but had it inflicted on her.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 25/08/2016 08:36

here she is again in a positition where what fil and ow want comes before her.

It reads to me as if MIL is putting what she wants before her son's wishes. I don't think it is unreasonable to want your mother, your father and your stepmother of 20-ish years all there and being civil.

foursillybeans · 25/08/2016 08:37

What a sad situation. But on balance I think your FIL's current wife should be told and even asked to not attend. MIL is your DP's actual mum. She gave birth to him, loved him and raised him. I can fully understand why she still wouldn't want to be in a room with her which saying all the things she hasn't said. Throw alcohol in to the mix if they were bother there and you could have a rather embarrassing public bust up on your hands.

Imo it's the wife who should be acknowledging her place as the former ow who caused pain and need to decline.

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 08:39

It is unreasonable to think that your wedding is so important that you should expect your mother to attend regardless of how much it will hurt her.

Happi3n3sss · 25/08/2016 08:41

You have invited, so that is their choice to attend or not such an important day

I assume those who choose not to attend will be able to view the photos

I would say that is their choice

shovetheholly · 25/08/2016 08:42

Of course she is entitled not to come on the grounds of her feelings.

The OP and her DS are also entitled to feel slighted that her 'feelings' were more important than their special day.

Where does this entitlement end? At the end of the day, we all have to give a little.

Behind all this is the stupid, corrosive idea that women should compete for male attention (as a PP said, imagining the OW 'smirking' at having 'won'. Well what a fucking prize, a guy who couldn't keep it in his pants and was weak enough to need validation outside of his marriage. Bingo, OW, you won the fucking jackpot of twattery).

We need to have self-worth that comes from ourselves, from within independently of men, and until we start challenging these silly, disempowering competitions that make our worth dependent on male assessments over which we have no control, we will not really have equality. To me, the moment a guy cheats, he's not worthy of female company. The OW isn't getting a prize, but a piece of trash.

IzzyIsBusy · 25/08/2016 08:44

It reads to me as if MIL is putting what she wants before her son's wishes

And why should she? Her son is an adult now and mum has spent 20 raising him and putting his needs first. She would have had to suck it up at contact time knowing her son was playing happy famalies with the 2 people who fucked up her life. That is never easy.
So now her son is an adult and free to invite who he wants to his wedding mum is free to put ger needs first.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2016 08:45

I wouldn't have invited the OW. But now he has, he needs to uninvite her. His dad sounds like a cock. I'd rather have my mum there.

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 08:46

Anyone who thinks their "special day" is more important than their mums understandable feelings is not mature enough to get married.

She has, in a very dignified manner, drawn a line.

The prick of a FIL has asked his son to oick his side against his mother.

And his son has obliged.

After everything that has happened.

It doesn't matter how other people would feel about it.

This woman is important in her own right as a person. Her feelings matter.

She is not just "mum" - expected to swallow her pain and get on with things to keep everyone else happy.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 25/08/2016 08:48

Izzy, I didn't say she was wrong in putting what she wants ahead of her son's wishes. She can choose to go or not go as she wishes. But someone said this was about what the FIL and OW was choosing, which it clearly isn't.

OnionKnight · 25/08/2016 08:49

When does FIL's wife stop being known as the OW, seeing as they've been together for 20 years?

sophiestew · 25/08/2016 08:51

I don't understand why it's such a big deal really. She doesn't want to come, she isn't kicking up a big fuss about it, so just leave her be.

I had similar shit at my wedding and just said to the person refusing to come, "If your hatred of X is greater than your love for me, then fine, don't come." They didn't - their choice.

The sky won't fall in because MIL isn't there, she is an adult and can make her choices which DP should just accept.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2016 08:52

She'll always be OW, Onion. And FIL will always be a prick.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2016 08:54

What's ironic is the number of posters saying this is the mum's problem, not that the dad needs to get over it and leave his OW at home.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 25/08/2016 08:54

I think STBMIL has been waiting for this moment...she finally gets her revenge on her ex by refusing to attend, upsetting all and sundry while she is about it

it's been 20 years, the woman scorned act is wearing a bit thin and it's hardly as if FIL has been parading a series flibbertygibbets

this current wife has standing within the family as a new partner, step mother ....what is the relationship like between the OP's OH and this woman, I think really the key lies there.

OnionKnight · 25/08/2016 08:55

Really? Even if she's been married to the dad longer than the MIL?

IzzyIsBusy · 25/08/2016 08:55

I suppose in the eyes of the wronged wife never. Time is not a great healer for everyone and she doesnt have to accept it just because everyone else has moved on.
End of the day there is one person who was more hurt than anyone else by the actions of 2 others. It seems her feelings should not matter.

Bewt it is about fil and ow wants. Fil already put the pressure on by saying he wants his wife to be there. He should have allowed his son and stbw to make that choice themselves.

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 08:56

"If your hatred of X is greater than your love for me, then fine, don't come."

You actually said that to someone?

Ugh

I imagine that nasty manipulative shite diminished whatever love they once felt.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/08/2016 08:57

Ive not been in any of these situations but I think it's really unfair still calling the FILs wife the OW, they have been married longer than he was to MIL. We don't know the circumstances, it was him who betrayed his wife. I'm not playing down hurt at the time but I can't get my head round feeling like that after 20 years? Happy to be shot down!

sophiestew · 25/08/2016 09:00

Doin I don't think they (my mother) ever loved me actually, but thanks for your well thought out sentiment... Confused

They wanted me to uninvite my beloved, dying aunt because they had had a stupid falling out with them over timings for another event. When I refused to ban her, they refused to come.

PoohBearsHole · 25/08/2016 09:00

op, do Fil and SMil have children?

if so, are they invited?

I get STBMIL position on not wanting to cause a scene and that is honorouble, is there any way of having all attend the ceremony but not reception?

I think your DH should say he wants both there, will not choose between them, will still be inviting "OW" who IS his SM after all and with whom he must have some form of relationship with (or he wouldn't have invited), they can all make up their minds as to whether they come or not - you will respect their decisions but be saddened that you can't be in the same room for the ceremony at least.
I understand the hurt, but "I'm not going if she's going" sounds a bit dramatic teenager!

BewtySkoolDropowt · 25/08/2016 09:01

Izzy, this woman has been in hubby-to-be's life for 20 years. It's likely that hubby-to-be would like her there anyway - I don't see anything to suggest that his guest list was affected as a result of one comment.

But maybe you know more than is written here.

angeldiver · 25/08/2016 09:03

I'm with imperial.

Not the same but I can guess how your MIL would be feeling if she did go.
I am nc with my twin sister, a relationship as close to a marriage you can get. For 30 odd years, we saw each other every day and if we didn't see each other, we'd speak on the phone many times in the day.
After 'falling out', I avoided family get together's, missing significant dates, we haven't seen each others youngest children.
I bit the bullet and decided to go somewhere she would be. Now I'm not a worrier, in fact I am annoyingly chilled to some people. The whole thought of seeing her made me ill. In the days up to the do, I had palpitations, a mother of all migraines and had anxiety attacks.
On the face of it, ridiculous, and I couldn't have predicted it. But, I won't be doing it again, I can't do it to myself or family again. We have been NC for 12 years, the passage of time has not diminished my feelings towards her at all.

So if your MIL is saving herself from days/weeks of heartache and anxiety and self preservation, I am with her.

OW/step mum should do the decent thing and step back.

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