STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

she didn't make any demands or insist the SM didn't attend, she simply said she couldn't if the OW was there.

Camouflaged it may be, but it is an ultimatum.

I think your dp is doing the right thing, his two parents are always going to be his priority to be at his wedding.

What happens when his dad says he is not going to come then ? Frankly your MIL is really very manipulative and BIL has it nailed , particularly shown by the fact that she is causing the problem but wants her son to take the rap for it - charming . I don't know what your dp can say to his dad to explain why he doesn't want smil at the wedding without offending them .

I think I subconsciously waited until my DF sadly died before I decided to get married, I couldn't face the thought of all the upset and drama with my DM and her OM and my poor DF being together - it (selfishly) would have spoilt my day worrying about them.

I too agree with Imperial.

Have been thinking about this a lot in past couple of hours.

The thing is, surely MIL COULD go to wedding even if SM there. Yes it might be painful but surely she is actually physically capable of doing it. She is just saying the pain/anger she would feel would be so great that it would outweigh everything else, including joy at seeing her son married / happy times with other friends and family who will be there.

I just find that hard to believe. I think she doesn't WANT to deal with the pain/anger but could surely overcome it if she tried, for one day after 20 years for the sake of her son? Especially given that with grandchildren probably the next thing to follow it would be nice for everyone to be able to be in the same room occasionally going forward from here.

I know everyone is different and nobody has lived the experiences of another person etc. It is possible MIL is just being very emotionally honest about what she can and can't handle, but it seems more likely to me that she is being selfish/manipulative.

She sounds incredibly manipulative. She is saying that if she is at the wedding she will cause a scene, that she doesn't want the FIL to know her thoughts therefore is manipulating her DS into allowing his dad/SM to believe that he doesn't want her at the wedding.

I would hazard a guess there is a lot more to the marriage breakdown than just that he had an affair. There almost always is, but of course it's the one who has an affair who is expected to carry all the blame for the rest of their lives, while the other party who may have been abusive/manipulative throughout the marriage is enabled to carry bitterness and play the victim card for ever more.

That's very harsh Callme - people often have affairs without there being any sort of abuse (or even problems within the marriage that the faithful spouse is aware of).

she didn't make any demands or insist the SM didn't attend, she simply said she couldn't if the OW was there. Yes, this is manipulation. Go on son, how important am I to you? What are you going to do about it? Oh, you're going to uninvite your stepmother because you love me so much and want me to attend? What a surprise, what on earth made you think of that I wonder ... (But don't tell them that's why, whatever you do. )

It's a shame she has given herself permission to cause all this fuss over your wedding. Selfish. And now trying to dictate to her son how to do her bidding as well.

I've left an abusive marriage (think non-mol) with a man who also cheated. My children don't know all that I went through and I wouldn't want them to. I hope that if they get married in 20 years time they feel they can invite both parents if they want to. I would want my ex kept completely away from me but I wouldn't want my children to feel they have to choose. There are plenty of ways this could be done. The victim here is the child, and your STBHusband continues to suffer 20 years down the line.
She could have said she would like to go with the caveat that she didn't want to sit near ex or some such. By not doing that she is imo shifting responsibility to choose on her son. She may or may not be consciously manipulative but the result is the same.

OP , you do need to also remember that this could also damage the relationship that you both have with the step siblings , I assume they were being invited as you say you are close , I doubt they will see you both in the same light once their mother is not invited .

IT is an invitation not a summons. She said no, no drama, just simply thanks but no thanks.

Not sure why she s the bad guy for declining something she didn't want!

I think people are selfish for insisting on their happiness is reliant upon various people watching them.

My niece refused to invite her DF ow. I don't think her DF was pleased but he either liked it or didn't come.

The worse thing you can do it try and invalidate the feelings of another person. You may not understand it, but you should not invalidate their feelings. How about discounting feelings? Because that is what this mother is doing to her son?

And discounting is just another for invalidating, right?? So no one should invalidate MIL's feelings, but it is OK for MIL to invalidate not only her son's, but her prospective DIL's and also her son's father?

Headofthehive55 I don't really think rape and an affair is at all comparable.

Plectrum has it, the son has obviously forgotten that his mum was left to raise him and how awfully his father treated her. There is nothing to suggest MIL was left to raise op's oh by herself, and in fact, if he does want his SM at his wedding it would point to what a good relationship they have built up over 20yrs.

I do love how the bad people in this saga are the OW because she obviously enticed an unwilling married man into an affair, and away from his family, and the groom to be, because he obviously doesn't care about his mums feelings! So one person who is NOT responsible for any of what happened, and one person who is only partially responsible.

DP has pretty much decided he's going to ask FIL to tell SMIL not to attend. I don't think this is the right choice at all.

The fact that the groom to be has been left to think of an excuse as to why he doesn't SM there (when in reality he very much does), shows his mothers true colours, she is happy to cause issues on his wedding day, but doesn't want the responsibility to be on her. Instead she is letting her son look like the bad guy. That goes towards the "not covering herself in glory" thing, nicely. As does this

I was really gutted and humiliated. MIL knew what had happened, knew how I felt but totally refused to take my feelings into account and almost seemed to make a point of ignoring them. She made me sit with him at meals, pose for photos with him - I told her lots of times how uncomfortable I felt but she told me i was being silly.

He hopes that this initial event will be the catalyst for some healing and forgiveness between them all so that in the future things will be different It really won't op. This is just the start of what is to come. I hope you aren't planning any christenings, big birthday celebrations.

not wanting the person who has hurt you most in the world to know how badly you're hurt isn't manipulative at all. It's self preservation & saving what little face you have Thing is though, the reason will be blatantly obvious. The FIL will know why his wife isn't being invited. And that will cause issues between the groom and his father because the groom is being forced to lie. And if FIL doesn't figure it out, he will think that op & her oh don't want SM there, so either way, groom loses and a divide is created between father and son. And FIL might refuse to come because of it.

she didn't make any demands or insist the SM didn't attend, she simply said she couldn't if the OW was there And the "demand" the her son lie to his father about the reasons for not inviting SM? She has shown herself to be manipulative at best!

OP, your BIL is not to be ignored. He is very on the button with his assessment.

Not sure why she s the bad guy for declining something she didn't want! Except she gave her son conditions. I won't come if she is there, I will come if he is there by himself, don't tell them why you aren't inviting her. Your niece didn't want her SM there, this groom & op do.

I thought at first that the MIL was being totally out of order but as I read the thread I felt a bit more sorry for her but still thought she should put her feelings to one side for the sake of her child.

However, having read your update, I think I was right at the start. She is being horribly manipulative. And by expecting your fiancé to a) hurt his stepmother of 20 years and b) not telling the truth about why, thus making it look like it's him that doesn't want her there she is basically using him as a weapon to hurt her former husband and his wife. That's appalling behaviour, regardless of how old your child is you just don't do that!

I think BIL has the measure of her much more than your fiancé tbh. He lives with her and spends a lot of time with her.

Please don't let her ruin your wedding with her bullying, demands and drama. Invite everyone you want there and expect them to act like adults.

I hope she doesn't continue to make things difficult for you and you have a lovely day.

Your MIL is actively trying to cause a rift by saying that your DH cannot tell his DF he reason why Step M cannot come. Your MIL is determined to do harm and get a bit of drama. By all means have a conversation with his DF, but your STBDH should not take the blame and damage his relationship with his DF and Step M. MIL is just being a bitch doing that, I don't care how hurt she was.

Personally i think you and your dp have made the right decision re MIL. However your dp has to be truthful to his dad about the reasons for this. MIL does not have the right to insist dp lies to his dad. MIL needs to be told this upfront. Sorry you are experiencing all this hassle OP

I think you can turn down invites with a condition. I do! I turned down invites that don't include my kids. I don't think of it as being manipulative, just factual. Tbh I don't care if I go or not to a wedding, but that is my price of going. Invite who you want and let them come as they want.

How about having one to the reception, one to the wedding? Then you see both at various times.

Just going back to your op - He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. I agree with you.

My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. I totally agree this would have been a good response.

DP wants to try and beg her to come But that's not what has happened is it? His mother has done a number on him, and he's going to do what she wanted him to do in the first place.

Either he accepts she doesn't come or re jigs his invites to make her want to come. It's his choice. Sometimes brides and grooms have to compromise on what they want.

If he wants his mum there. His choice.

In your position I would get your DP to ring his dad and say the wedding is cancelled because his mum won't come and that he doesn't feel he can have a big wedding without his mum been there.

Hopefully fil will discuss the situation with his wife and then they will ring back and say she has agreed not to come so Dps mum can come instead.

Pikatchu The last thing this situation needs is a lie thrown into the mix to complicate things further.

Presumably the most important people to be invited are his mum and dad. It seems sensible that invites do not go out to others that would make either of these people unhappy.

A sm although close doesn't as much as a priority I would think.

For all the comments about the STBMIL being selfish & manipulative, it's interesting to see how the STBFIL's manipulation goes under the radar of the majority of the posts calling out the manipulation. The further info/update still doesn't get round the fact that the STBFIL has been just as manipulative as STBMIL, if manipulation is the label we are going with here.

You have a situation where this man has had an affair, and to my mind was either weak, cruel or both when it came to how he finally ended up with his now wife, by 'trying again' but yet still going back to his OW. The fall out of the affair/temporary reconciliation/final ending of his marriage is clearly well known to the STBFIL. He has just as much knowledge as STBMIL as to the level of toxicity that exists between his EX and DW. And between him & his EXW. He is in full possession of knowledge on how these 2 women regard each other, and the level of interaction they've had (or not) in 20 years. As well as how his EXW has interacted with him over the years, and how he behaved towards her/their DC in their co-parenting relationship post-spilt. And he'll know full well how much involvement he's allowed his DW in how this interaction has played out over 20 yrs. And yet he made sure he made it clear to his DS that he & his DW come as a package to this wedding, leaving the DS to think about/deal with how his DM would react to this. And the problem for STBMIL is that the DS didn't think about it much at all before reeling off his guest list to his DM.

1 person manipulates, the other person reacts & manipulates in response & the DS is left to figure out what to do about this. I can understand he maybe has been indulging in some wishful thinking about how this would work, based on his DM's softening position towards his DF in recent years, but the huge elephant in the room that both he & his DF have ignored (for very different reasons) is the fact these 2 women still have issues if they've not uttered 1 word to each other in 20 years.

IMO the STBFIL should not have made the statement of intent re his DW attending without asking his DS his thoughts on how that would work (with the understanding that his EXW will be at the wedding) given the hostility that was never resolved in 20 years & the level of awkwardness that would be there if the wedding was going to be the 1st time they would be interacting.

STBFIL having that discussion with his DS would, I think, have prompted the conversation the STBMIL (I think) wanted to have, and which might well have resulted in some movement on how the situation could be dealt with, or whether it was appropriate for STBFIL to expect his wife to attend despite the difficulty that would cause his EXW.

I'm guessing that STBFIL is either lacking in some emotional intelligence, or still avoiding facing up to the fallout of decisions that he made 20 years ago, along with subsequent decisions over that period. Problem is, none of us know how easy or difficult he made life for his EXW, or how easy or difficult the EXW made things for him, but they're both well aware of the damage done & fall out & are both responsible for at least being honest about how that impacts their DS & the position he's in re his wedding. I think the STBMIL has been honest, I don't think STBFIL has been. At least not about the knowledge he has about how difficult this situation would be for his DS - I don't think it's at all reasonable to say he didn't know or realise the difficulty his expectation would cause his DS, but I suspect he's known full well the difficulty this would cause his EXW. In the exact same way STBMIL knows how her stance impacts her DS, EXH & OW/SM.

STBFIL's reaction to the groom's conversation I think will be most telling. A refusal to attend in the absence of his DW at his side I think points to the fact he's known full well how difficult his request for her attendance would be, and fully expects his wife to take precedence over his EXW. The problem there is - clearly he regards his DW more than his EXW, but he's utterly unreasonable to expect his DS to feel the same, or deal with this situation in a way that makes his feelings about both women the main driving force behind how this is resolved.

I don't envy the groom or the OP here at all. Hopefully this wedding will be the catalyst to some healing all round & that will make the wedding easier to organise etc. However, the one thing I think that STBMIL wants, and which I suspect STBFIL & his DW have been avoiding for 20 years, is 'all the things she's wanted to say' to the OW/SM about what happened. Getting that over & done with might allow full attendance for all at the wedding - not sure how willing STBFIL & his DW will be to face that, if it's something that's been avoided for 20 years.

Plectrum that is so much overthinking it was hard to read. For all we know - because we don't - the FIL could have said something as simple as "We can't wait to see you get married".

In any case, the OP's further posts have at least made her MIL's motives clear. The FIL hasn't actually been involved yet (again, that we know of).

You're right, though, I don't envy the groom or the OP in this.