STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

STFIL and OW put their feelings first and formost when they chose to get together. They pursued the kind of life they wanted together and did not put anybody else's feelings before that.

Now with STFIL saying it would mean a lot for OW to be at the wedding, is no different from what they have always done - put themselves first and fuck everyone else. And its time to call them on that and acknowledge that someone else's feelings and wishes come first for a change.

Campbell - ha! That's made me laugh at my desk.

Mean cousin is coming actually. We were all teenagers when that FB thing kicked off, he's apologised hundreds of times since and is mortified whenever I bring it up! We're good friends now. Modern day Eliza Doolittle, that's me.

My dad had been married to the OW for about 12 years when we got married (although my mum was also remarried as well) We told both parents that we were inviting everybody and the choices were to come or not come.

We made things as easy and fair as possible by having no top table and we asked both my parents to make a "father of the bride" speech. Neither step parent was involved in the ceremony in any way.

It was fine. I suspect neither of them were very comfortable but they all behaved and I even have photos with myself and both my parents on. To me it was a big sign of their love for me that they could put their own feelings aside for a day to do that for me.

The same rule has been applied to all events of this type since.

In your dps situation I would speak to his dad and stepmum and ask if she would mind either not attending the wedding ceremony or sneaking in at the back and make sure you sit his mum front and centre flanked by aunties etc.

You can make allowances and adjustments that would hopefully help. We made adjustments to the seating and the plans but not the guest list. We felt that was a fair compromise.

I like to think my stepmum would have compromised like this for me if I had needed it.

DH has this in his family - exactly the same situation only we are nearly 35 years on.

I think this is going to blow up. Your FIL will not want to come without his wife and will be upset she's been excluded. As will she. They cannot wear sackcloth and ashes for the rest of your lives.

I think your MIL is being manipulative by not allowing your DP to tell the truth.

My MIL has put herself first all her life. My FIL has put his wife first since they got together. It surprises me that my DH has turned out so well since the most important people in his life have never put his needs first.

So that makes me biased I suppose. I hope it doesn't go on for 35 years for your family. It will suck your DCs I to its whirlpool too.

What about all the other milestone celebrations in your family's life? Does your MIL get to put herself first then too?

I agree the MIL has been really manipulative and utterly selfish and childish in all this.

I seriously doubt this will be the last time you are driven to post about her on MN OP. Good luck!!!

I feel for your DM. I think I might feel the same way as she does.

However, I don't think it is at all fair for her to insist your DP doesn't tell his DF the reason why he's uninviting his SM. I think you and your DP sound very sensitive and will word it carefully. It'll be hard conversation, but it really wouldn't be on to leave them with the impression its you two who don't want her there.

someone who is choosing to keep herself in the role of victim after 20yrs

Getting out of the victim role is a SKILL. You have to be taught, it doesn't come naturally. As i said upthread the whole notion of victimhood is a relatively new concept. it is not in the general parlance of past generations, who can have no idea there is a choice.

The majority of us in that generation have had therapy to learn how to let go of the victim role in the face of severe hurt. And not just mil's generation, either.

I suspect those that sneer at someone who has not recovered from grave hurt, calling them manipulative and controlling, might think differently of they experience severe hurt and betrayal themselves.

springy that's very patronising.

I have indeed experienced grave hurt and betrayal. I hope you never experience what I went through.

I would never cause hurt to my children as a result of what I went through. Life goes on, we learn, we grow. Or we rot away in a hell of hatred I guess....

I do try to think about how I would feel if I had experienced what my MIL did. We have the same number of children, have been married a similar amount of time.

I just can't imagine not putting my DCs first.

I just can't imagine not putting my DCs first.

My mother always said "I'll never let anything come between me and my children." And she sucked up a lot of hurt to live by that mantra.

Hmm. Bas r on your updates it reiterates my gut feeling- MIL throwing her toys out of the Oram and using this occasion as a " victory". I'm sorry but after 20 yet as if course she should be able to stand in a room with her ex husbands wife. Yes there was infidelity but I think after. 20 years for the sake of her son she can attend the occasion with step mum present. It's a shame that the groom's wishes are being eroded and it seems to be MIL wants to. "punish" this woman for the past. What a shame.

What's going to happen if the FIL says he is not coming? I've been to a wedding where the SM was not invited (not OW) and it caused a lot of upset that wasn't really fair. The fact that FIL has been with SM longer than he was with ex is very significant.

If she wants her feelings to be respected, then she should be honest about her feelings

^ this with bells on. The fact mil wants dp t take the flack for SM not coming is a bit naughty. I think this is defanatly going to sour things which is a shame because you'd think twenty^ years on people would have moved forward....

Nina

I agree. There's no way I'd be telling Stepmother of 20 years "I've decided to retract your invitation I don't want you there!" No way at all, it's almost as though MIL is engineering the situation so her son falls out with his father and his wife....

If MIL has a problem and her son agrees to go along with her (ridiculous) demands then that should be the reason he gives.

OP I'd be watching MIL like a hawk if I were you she sounds incredibly manipulative.

Sit MIL between facebook cousin and StepMIL

MIL is adamant that FIL should not be told of her feelings (understandably, I think). However that puts DP in a pretty awkward position as to what reason he should give for the lack of invite. He thinks MIL basically wants him to say he doesn't want SMIL there, which 1) is untrue and b) very hurtful.

In the same way that MIL shouldn't necessarily have to suck things up to appease everyone else, she mustn't expect your DP to do the same. If he's ok with asking his Dad's wife not to come he should do that but leave it at that and say that everything else needs to be sorted out between themselves.

Your DP shouldn't be the gobetween voicing everyone's feelings for them - they can either keep their silence/form their own conclusions or get it out themselves. If MIL wants her ExH to know how she feels she has to do that herself; it's a really nasty tactic to use her son to have a pop on her behalf (and before anyone says the MIL is hurting I get that, I truly do, but we've been here with DHs family and amongst all the hearbreak, the affair, the attempt at making it work etc, the one thing that nearly caused DH to cut contact with both parents and his siblings was when people started trying to drag others in as messengers).

The one positive here is that it very much sounds like you and your DP have each other's backs - that's no mean feat, keep doing that and the marriage will be a great one; remember the wedding is just one day out of your lifetimes.

OP
Can you let us know how it goes? I'd be really interested - esp in case I face this situation again (divorced!)

OP, I'm sorry, but your MIL is being an arse. She can't force your partner to insult his step mothervin this way. IMO, she is using your day to get revenge on SMIL by trying to trash her relationship with your partner.

I say this as I look after my son and two step sons. I am not their mum, but I sure as hell am a subsidiary parent. I have wiped up their shit and vomit, cooked and cleaned for them, carried lists in my head of their changing likes and dislikes, planned every family holiday for them as well as my own son, disciplined them, nursed them in sickness, taught them, worried over them, been up all night for them, and loved them.

If their mother, who still chooses to act as if I stole their dad, although as a matter of fact I didn't, tried to play such a trick in the years to come, Ivery much hope they will not do her dirty work for her, but be truthful.

If she wants to be the eternal poor victim, let her, but don't let her turn your chap into her liar and her tool.

Of course she hurts, but it is every parent's job to put their child's needs and happiness before their own. If she really can't that is her call, but don't please let her use your partner so despicably.

Have just read the thread, it's so sad.

Sad that your MIL is unable to let go of something that took place 20 years ago, sad for the SM who is going to be disinvited, and sad for your DP that he is now in an awkward position of having to do the disinviting and not being able to have all the people he loves and wants to be there at his wedding.

My instinct based on what you have said is that the MIL is acting badly and should be capable of overcoming her feelings for the sake of her son's happiness on his wedding day.

I think it's missing the point to say his SM should be able to do the same in stepping back to enable his mother to attend, because the point is that really he wants them both there. Albeit his mother more, of course.

Anyway, best of luck to you and your DP OP going forward, hope it somehow all works out.

If your DP does go ahead and ask SMIL not to come he has to tell the truth why. Lying will just make it worse for him in the long run and affect his relationship with his dad and SM.
To be honest if your MIL wants to force this then she has to have the courage to stand by what she has said and shoulder the blame for her son.
Before he says anything get him to think about how he will feel if his DF refuses to come unless his wife is there. He might be forced into choosing between parents.

nina you don't get to decide how mil feels, she does. I get that for some people rape must be awful, but for me, it wasn't, nor did it have any lasting ramifications. Therefore I think you need to accept how others feel is how others feel.

Yeah ok head

What's really weird is you linking the two. It's actually really disgusting.

Once again rape is not even on the same level as your Dh leaving you for someone else.

Therefore I think you need to accept how others feel is how others feel

Seeing as you actually wrote this yourself maybe you should take note?

I'm not derailing this thread head with your ridiculous comparison so I won't be acknowledging your posts. Have a good evening.

Reading this thread, I don't get the image of a victim, sitting hurt and unable to move on for two decades, I get the image of a nasty, selfish, manipulative woman and (awful to say perhaps) I can see why she was left and had been on her own for two decades. The ex husband seems to have managed to have a long relationship with his second wife. Sometimes marriages aren't good. Sometimes they don't work out. My ex cheated on me. I was very, very hurt. But I got up after a couple of years and I eventually moved on and found happiness. You can't let something like that ruin your whole life and, even worse, affect your children's lives.

I do t think you'll need to say why the stepmum isn't invited. If you have any form of good relationship with her both her and the father will know exactly who is pulling the (heart)strings here. And it likely will kick off, or if not will leave scars with her children. I really don't see how this can possibly be a catalyst for the parents moving their relationship forward!

I'm a stepmum. I'd be devastated to miss my stepson get married. I'd not expect to be at the top table with my husband, I'd be perfectly happy with my sister in law and her family. I'm not the Ow, never was, she had the affair and left well before me, but we haven't ever really got on well. Yet for certain occasions (school prize givings, funerals, big birthdays etc) we've bitten our tongues and got on with it,cand you know what, each time it gets easier and more natural. As he gets older and time passes things should get easier.

Please tell me your dp isn't seriously going to uninvited SM and alienate his father over his mothers unreasonable behaviour??? What a way to make things worse!!!

Good for you Honey but everyone isn't like you (unfortunately). Those calling the STBMIL names are really out of order - she didn't make any demands or insist the SM didn't attend, she simply said she couldn't if the OW was there. Whilst it would be lovely if she could put her own hurt to one side on this occasion, the lady can't. If the FIL & SMILTB are decent, they'll understand this & the SM will stand aside.

Hurt in these situations runs deep (again unfortunately but people are only human & feel how they feel).