STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

I am really concerned about what you say about this cousin, and your MIL bulldozing your feelings. I'm combining that with your BIL's comments about her selfishness and seeing a pattern here. It's hard to assess from what you've written what kind of person she is, but my suspicion is that she's the kind of person who makes everything all about her victimhood, and lacks empathy for others. If that is the case, I personally would not be giving her so much space to dictate and control.

I feel sorry for your FIL's wife. I think she will feel terribly excluded from the family - and she's been his partner for 20 years. I do think your MIL should to the gracious thing and back down so that everybody can attend.

Going off your last post Id be sticking with the original plan. Asking SM not to come is creating a whole other issue with his father off the back of something that happened twenty years ago.

Twenty years later and mil has the last laugh.

I'd be listening to BIL and not dismissing it as he deals with her daily especially after what his cousin did.

I think I have to support DP in what he has decided. Ultimately it's him who's affected, and has been, for almost his entire life. He hopes that this initial event will be the catalyst for some healing and forgiveness between them all so that in the future things will be different.

(I know, though!)

I'm glad you have reached a decision although I feel sad for you both that you've been put in this position. You and your DP sound lovely and I hope you have a fabulous wedding day and happiness always.

Ps. Please don't tell SM that it's your DP that doesn't want her there. That's not true and cruel

If my DD decides to marry her partner eventually, I would not miss it just because XH would be there. Luckily, his wife cannot enter the UK, so I wouldn't have to see her, but I would be polite to him, whilst remaining as far away from him as humanly possible at all times. This is not about MIL, although I completely understand how she feels about FIL. This is about her DS's wedding and he will be very hurt indeed if she doesn't come because FIL and his wife are there. I don't know how you would actually broach this to MIL, but she could be ruining her relationship with her DS forever. Resentment does fester over time, as she is showing only too clearly.

If I were in your fiancé's shoes I would tell my father that expecting DM and DSM to be in the same room at the same time for the first time at my wedding feels unrealistic and like there would be the potential for a lot more hurt, or possibly even an altercation.

If he tried to dig deeper I would say that DM is coming without a partner, and the fairest thing feels that they both do.

I would also express what you said he feels about the start of some healing between his parents.

You sounds very caring and thoughtful in all of this, and it's good that you've been leaving the decisions to your DP. A bit intrigued by the cousin thing, though - I hope he called him out on it publicly, and supported you?

Personally I would be discussing it with both the fiance and STBMIL if I hadn't been publicly supported.

I think your DP is doing the right thing Op & you're doing the right thing by supporting him rather than adding to the drama.

I would say that rather than saying he doesn't want SM there, he could phrase it that he feels it's best she doesn't attend to avoid any potential awkwardness & he's sure she would support that.

TBH, if she & FIL are decent people, they'll understand this & act graciously. If FIL has a rant & throws his dummy out, then your DH will know he's made the right decision & that his dad is the same selfish git 20 years later as the one who had the affair.

Good luck Op & all the best for the big day. Hopefully the rest of the planning will be stress free (or at least as stress free as possible!).

Hello again Somer! Yes he did definitely publicly support me. He always has done. Never raised it with MIL but as I say I was a lot younger then... I've got a bit more about me now

I think it's a good point about explaining to FIL that expecting them to see each other for the first time at the wedding is unrealistic. Will show DP the post and see what he thinks.

Thanks all for your support and kind words.

Good that you've decided what to do but I am extremely about your MIL's stipulation that nobody must be told about her feelings. {confused]

Yes, she is entitled to feel as she does. Yes, she may well be justified in wanting to attend her son's wedding without being in the presence of a source of great personal pain. BUT to expect SMIL not to be uninvited without telling her why seems manipluative. Asking her ds to lie is not on.

If she wants her feelings to be respected, then she should be honest about her feelings.

I can totally understand her feelings half - not wanting the person who has hurt you most in the world to know how badly you're hurt isn't manipulative at all. It's self preservation & saving what little face you have.

Sorry Haff, not half

Yes, i think snorlax has it. I get it. Just not sure how he's going to put it instead!

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay

If your DP does tell your STBFiL not to bring his SM (not as long an abbreviation as some thought) he should tell him the truth.

I also find it ainteresting that the DM telling her son that she won't be there if his SM is, isn't a form of blackmail, yet DF saying that he would like his DW to be there is a form of blackmail.

This will blow up in your DP's face when he tells his father that his wife can't come.

Only if they're selfish people Onion - my friend had this exact situation & her SM (OW 20+ years ago) bowed out gracefully. Her DF attended & gave her away - no drama & SM wasn't mentioned. Everyone had a lovely day.

Think your dp has made the right decision, the feelings of his dm override the sm (ow). I hope you have a lovely wedding day x

I think your DP has been manipulated by his DM. And how is he supposed to explain the situation without tellng them how his DM feels? She certainly would be letting them know she is still feeling so badly hurt by them if she didn't attend, what possible other reason could there be for that? So if sm is asked to stay away, they will obviously know it is because mil still feels this pain. How selfish she is to have put you in this position. She got what she wanted though, so that's ok, never mind anyone else.

I'm really sorry to say this BUT from what you've said you STBML sounds manipulative and selfish. She may appear to not be all of the time but if her attitude to the way you were treated and her own DS' attitude along with not being covered in glory with the divorce (on either side). Yes she's been hurt and no she might not have got over it, but she is. retained not covering herself in glory over this matter from acting the martyr to sly blackmail.

you can only support yr DH's decision but it looks from the outside that she is intending that STBFL is ousted and she wins ultimately. Call her bluff, she won't miss it I bet.

I think getting to see your son get married without pain and distress is something she is entitled to. So why shouldn't her feelings come above the SMs right to be there?

If they work out that she is upset maybe it could signal the start of making steps to heal divisions, rather than playing the 'but it's my right' game. Who knows? Understanding that there is still pain there might be a catalyst for change and understanding.

Understanding that there is still pain there might be a catalyst for change and understanding.

That is very much his hope.

I think your STBMIL is putting her son in a really difficult place and my sympathy for her has lessened with the additional information you provided about how she treated you. She does not want your DH's SM there but he can't tell your father why. So it will look as though you and DH don't want her there. I think I would encourage DH to continue to try to work something out that does not involve disinviting the SM.

Seriously, in your shoes I would just elope.

His father will most likely now say he's not going to go without his wife. What happens then?

Your mil can not have it both ways. If your DH has to tell his father that his wife isn't welcome then he has to say it is because of his mother otherwise he could ruin the relationship he has with his step-family.

I really hope you aren't inviting mean cousin and honestly - what family are you marrying into - the windsors?