STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

I don't have think it's victim blaming (speaking as a victim of the same 'crime'). It's someone who is choosing to keep herself in the role of victim after 20yrs - someone who is now creating new victims of the 'crime' by choosing a course of action that punishes two other people. One who was already hurt 20yrs ago (her son) and one who had nothing to do with it.

MIL is being selfish. If she has not done snything to move on after the events of 20yrs ago, not had any help, talked to counsellors or therapists, if it's still that raw and she is still that bitter and angry - then she has made a CHOICE to still be angry. It's not healthy and it's causing pain to people who are entirely innocent wrt the original breakup of the marriage.

I have a friend whose DM felt similar - but it was only 3yrs post breakup and the divorce was bitter, it was raw. Her exH had been a shit. Even her ds did not want him and SM at the wedding.

We are talking about 20yrs in the OP's situation. I think the problem now is with the DM. If she cannot bear to be in the same room as the ex and SM now she needs help - not pandering to. I would advise OP and her df to invite whoever they want and people will have to decide whether to behave like mature grown ups or stroppy teenagers.

The post of the week award goes to snazarooney

She really needs to put her feelings aside for one day.
I had the same situation at my wedding. My mum attended with her husband whom she had cheated on my dad with. My dad said hello and shook mums husbands hand. They all wanted to not spoil my day or make it awkward for anybody. I was extremely proud of their behaviour that day ( not everyday but that one day yes 😄)

Just goes to show on this thread that some people minimise the pain caused by cheating on someone. For some people that pain will be worse than being raped or attacked. You'd never say to a rape victim, oh but it was twenty years ago, haven't you got past all that yet? Now kiss and make up, there's a good girl.
For that woman it possibly ruined her life.

I find it hard to believe that the OP's DP had no inkling as to how his DM felt, given that he grew up with his parents separated & must have observed the extent of interaction (or lack thereof) between his DM & DF, DM & DSM. We all know how intuitive DC are in these situations right? Well not in this case apparently.

We all read into these scenarios differently based upon personal experience/opinion so I'll give my take on this with full disclosure - LP to 1 child, on good terms with ex & his fiancé (OW of sorts - they got together before we split but I knew relationship over long before then, so no hard feelings either side). I'd happily attend my DD's wedding alongside my ex & his fiancé.

In the situation described by OP, it doesn't sound like a clean break - OW must have been somewhere in background given the eventual outcome of the OP's STBFIL going back to her despite the 'trying again' period. That's the 1st clue for me how deep the hurt for STBMIL of OP must have run. It was 'an extremely difficult time' for STBMIL according to the OP, so the break up was hard & cut deep as far as I can tell.

She's also bit her tongue for 20 years by the sounds of it - again, I'm guessing here but she's likely done that to maintain & facilitate the OP's DP's relationship with his dad. Again, reading the OP I think that alone has been a big part of the OP's DP being in the position to establish & maintain what I read to be a good relationship with his SM. I doubt the DP here could have got to the point of being so unaware of the extent of his DM's true feelings towards his SM if she had allowed her feelings to spill out or affect his relationship with his dad (and by extension with his SM). So she's spent 20 yrs putting her son's feelings 1st, despite how difficult & painful that was for her.

And that is, I feel, the real kick in the gut for the OP's STBMIL. She's 'sucked it up' for 20 years to make sure everyone else can tick along nicely for her son's sake, to the point no one gave a shit about her feelings. No one apparently recognised the extent of her efforts to put herself last for her son's sake, and didn't stop to think how this would work with both these parents given the history & I'm guessing no actual contact between the SM & Mum. If it's been 20 years, and not 1 word has been uttered between these 2 women, did the OP's DP not give this situation a moments thought as to how it would actually work? Or did he just expect his DM to continue to 'suck it up' as that's what's expected of her, and what's she's done for 20 years? Sounds like the comment from STBFIL re his wife attending came well before he'd spoken to his DM about who he'd be inviting - that strikes me as odd tbh - card marked by STBFIL & no inkling from OP's DP that he should discuss guest lists with his DM?

Deep down, I think the OP's DP knows he's just taken his mum's unwavering support for him for granted & the feeling that he's betrayed her is there because he probably has let her down by not having a discussion about how this could work, taking into a/c her feelings if she's not actually spoken to his SM in all this time. He's ignored that huge elephant in the room & just assumed everything would be fine as it always has been because his DM's made that possible.

It's sad that the STBMIL feels the way she does, given the ramifications for her, her DS and the OP, but I can see how it came to this & I think the STBMIL has been just honest about how difficult this is for her. I don't see it as this woman 'clinging on' to 20 yrs of hurt or a relationship that's now been eclipsed by the OW's. It reads to me that the STBMIL has actually gone to great lengths to bury her feelings for her son's sake to the point he's (apparently) unaware of how she feels & the impact being in close proximity to his SM affects her.

She didn't rant, or demand, or wail about this - she calmly stated her feelings after her son reeled of a guest list that highlighted 20 yrs of putting her son 1st has resulted in her feelings being completely disregarded despite what must have been obvious to her DS if he'd bothered to look at his mum & her situation & think about her for a second. He's clearly got some knowledge of what happened as the OP has alluded to some of what happened, but has no understanding whatsoever of the impact that has had on his DM. She must have done a good job of 'sucking it up' for 20 years for him to have so little insight into her feelings on what happened.

STBMIL is not selfish or bitter IMO - she's been honest & has a right to her feelings, and for those feelings to be respected even if it does put the DS in a difficult position. Not acknowledging her feelings, not having any insight into her feelings has resulted in the DS being influenced by his DF's wishes & assuming that would not be an issue in any way. I expect there has been a lot of that over the past 20 yrs & for it to happen in respect of her DS' wedding too, with the whole thing played out in front of people who know all about the history - I can see how that would be just too much for her to bear.

Hang on head - rape and your husband fucking off with OW are too very different things. They are not even on the same level.

Yes the husband cheating on his wife is horrible but he is not in the level of a rapist.

It's not fair for the mother to make her son choose sides. He cheated on her not his son. They have maintained a good relationship by all means. If it still effects her after decades then she needs councilling to move on, but to be fair if she can happily be in the same room as him then she should expect him to bring his wife.

Plectrum great post. I think you've nailed it there. I really hope the OPs DP reads that and the penny drops for him.

I personally think that the wedding entitlement attitude has reached new heights (or lows) when it's demanded that other people minimise their own mental well being so someone else can have their special day. Family is for life not just for one day. I think I might be in the minority in this view though.

There's absolutely no way I'd ever ask my mum to suck it up for the sake of my wedding and then be proud of them behaving for a day, knowing the stress they'd suffered in the run up and the discomfort they'd felt on the day. I'd be mortified at the thought of that.

For that woman it possibly ruined her life

Do you really believe that women have no ability to make choices? Because that's what this is saying. Someone did something to her that was hurtful and she was then out of control of her happiness for the next 20yrs?

I'm afraid the passive woman whose life is ruined by the actions of the dastardly husband is a bit too gothic novel for me. To read some of the messages on this thread you would imagine her wasting away in a tower still wearing her wedding dress.

Our lives are irrevocably changed by divorce, especially when we are the 'wronged party' I was and I'm now living a life I never imagined, my future is not what I thought it would be. I'm poorer for one thing. But I still totally believe that if I'd given in to the anger and bitterness then it would have been my choice to do that, just as much as it was my choice not to.

Human beings have agency - the power to make choices. I get pissed off at any suggestion that as women we are somehow at the mercy of our emotions. We're not.

Great post, Plectrum.

I know others won't agree but I doubt I could stand being in the room with my ex and his wife as he and her were hidious bullies for years , to be quite honest they nearly pushed me over the edge and I had a baby and a six year old ( his) and no family support , there plan was to systematically destroy me ! To be honest I would prob refuse to go to , sorry and that's ten yes in

I'm sure ops dh does and did know how his mother feels, however he clearly wants both his parents and his stepmum to attend. What is so wrong with that?

I'm sorry but no matter how much MILhates FIL wife, it's her child's day. Does she really want to potentially ruin it for him because she can't be civil for a few hours?

I'd say to mil - We are very sad you've decided not to come. We won't try to change your mind, but if you change your mind and decide to come after all, we will be really pleased.

Sad that mil is still feeling the pain so many years on. But she is choosing to prioritise that over attending her son's wedding. What a shame for her son.

Unless she is actually mentally unwell, I don't think you should change your plans re who to invite. Does she have other DCs whose events she won't be able to attend in future for the same reason? If so, perhaps she needs to seek help for letting go, or putting this in its place, otherwise she's cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Your poor DH being dragged into the failure of his parents marriage, even now.

milkyface re "he clearly wants both his parents and his stepmum to attend. What is so wrong with that?" I've missed a few posts, did the OP really say her STBDH wants his step mum there? I would not be surprised if he did but as far as I saw, at least for the first dozen pages it was DFIL who wanted her there.

Re "... no matter how much MILhates FIL wife, it's her child's day. Does she really want to potentially ruin it for him because she can't be civil for a few hours?" I am quite sure she does not want to potentially ruin his day (according to one poster if he lets it ruin his day, it'll effectively be his fault!). But realistically she may not be able to do this. I am sure she would wish to.

FantasticButtocks re "But she is choosing to prioritize that over attending her son's wedding. What a shame for her son." Maybe her don is choosing to propritise letting his dad get what he wants over his mum? Yes it is the OP and her STBDH's big day but that doesn't mean all feelings stop for the day.

FIL needs to suck it up and leave OW at home!

when I got married I didn't invite my dads OW.

you break up a marriage, that's one of the many consequences you have to live with.

yes fil is responsible too, but it's his sons wedding so he gets a pass this one day.

Sad that mil is still feeling the pain so many years on. But she is choosing to prioritise that over attending her son's wedding. What a shame for her son.

Sad the DH is choosing to priorities OW.

What a shame for MIL

italian well of she's been invited they must want her there?

If they didn't they wouldn't be having this problem would they ffs

Sad the DH is choosing to priorities OW

No.....

Dh has invited who he wants to his wedding.

He hasn't prioritised anyone!!

And for god sake they've been married for 20 years she is hardly 'OW' anymore.

He hasn't prioritised the OW..... He is simply planning to invite a woman he has known for 20 years, who is married to his father, to his wedding. He cannot change the past and what happened between his mother and father but this woman is a part of his family and it is not unreasonable for him to want to invite her. Life is not all about looking back but living in the present and the future too.

Plectrum has it, the son has obviously forgotten that his mum was left to raise him and how awfully his father treated her.

He will have know inviting the OW would upset his mum but did it anyway.

MIL has made no demands or spat her dummy out so is rising above the hurt and putting herself first. Given nobody else does, who can blame her.

OW has no shame if she attends knowing a parent is missing out.

Onless he was an adult when his parent split, the OW is also a SM who helped to raise him and has been an important part of his life.

My love for my SM (who is also a fantastic nan to my DD), even though I was an adult when they married, does not come at the expense of the love for my own mum.

Should the OP's son have to feel guilt when they have kids and his SM takes on the roll of nan?

This isn't just about the wedding. This is about him being entitled to the family dynamic he has through no fault of his own without having to feel guilty.

This was twenty years ago. Not last year or five years.

Wild horses would not stop me from attending my daughters wedding.

Maybe the key question is whether op and her DP really want the ow there to share their day.

If they are close, and like her, then it is worth standing up to mil.

If they are inviting her out of duty to fil well then it might be better to prioritise mil over ow. As others have said, repercussions of behaving like shits all those years ago.

The fact that they expected mil to be ok with it is a testament to how stoic she must have been over the years. They clearly had no idea she would feel so strongly about this. Sad to think of her sucking it up for years so that op's DP could have a proper relationship with his dad.

And irritating to hear some people telling us how mil should feel. I read dilemmas on here all the time and wonder why the poster can't pull herself together or make a decision, because I'd be able to do that. People feel things differently.

Hi all. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your personal experiences. It's helped so much.

DP has pretty much decided he's going to ask FIL to tell SMIL not to attend. He's waiting til he sees him the weekend after next to have the conversation in person.

MIL is adamant that FIL should not be told of her feelings (understandably, I think). However that puts DP in a pretty awkward position as to what reason he should give for the lack of invite. He thinks MIL basically wants him to say he doesn't want SMIL there, which 1) is untrue and b) very hurtful.

He is very encouraged by some of the comments on here about how this could be the start of some healing between his parents. He wants to ask MIL and FIL to have a phone call sometime before the wedding, as a PP suggested, to maybe make it easier for her on the day.

To answer a couple of questions - DP isn't an only child, he has a brother. Brother feels MIL is being selfish, and also said he thinks that she has been waiting to do this for a long time. However, BIL is younger, still at home and has a somewhat strained relationship with MIL at the moment, so I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.

No, FIL didn't start another family with SMIL, but DP is very close to his step siblings (her kids from a previous relationship), as am I.

DP really didn't guess that MIL would feel this way. He's not some insensitive pillock, I promise - he knew that things had been really bad in the past, but they are a very 'stiff upper lip' family, and for the most part the topics of the divorce, FIL and his wife are avoided. But in the last few years she's been quite positive about his dad, has encouraged us to visit him (he lives down south), even told us we should spend Christmas there rather than with her. So I think DP thought a corner had been turned. (I did ask at one point if there'd be any issues re seating etc, and he told me to give her a bit more credit!!)

Yes, I do like MIL. She raised my amazing DP and there is no one more generous with their love and time.

There is something that's been rankling with me though - years ago one of DP's cousins made some comments publicly on FB (I know) about me - basically saying I wasn't good enough for their family, criticisms of my family and background etc. I was really gutted and humiliated. MIL knew what had happened, knew how I felt but totally refused to take my feelings into account and almost seemed to make a point of ignoring them. She made me sit with him at meals, pose for photos with him - I told her lots of times how uncomfortable I felt but she told me i was being silly.

It was years ago, I was very young, and I know it in no way compares to what she went through but I remembered it yesterday and had a 'hmmmmmm' moment.

And yes, DP would like SMIL there. But that's something he is definitely willing to sacrifice if it means MIL being there.

One last thing - we really, really don't think everything should be about us on our 'special day '. There's no top table, there will be no forcing people to be in photos etc. We just want a celebration with the people we love, who will help us to shape our relationship and support us and share in our happiness.

Thanks again to everyone who posted.

A wonderfully well written and well considered response. This bodes well for a long and happy marriage that you can both be so considered and understanding in working through your problems.

Best of luck

Glad you and your DP have reached a decision.

Hope you have a wonderful wedding day regardless, and yes that it might act as a catalyst for some progress between your mil, fil and ow.