STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

We had a similar situation, when my Mum refused to come if my Stepmum was going to be there. It was a bit more complicated, as she expected to bring her new husband, but didn't want my Dad bringing his new wife.

It was tempting to say "Either they both come, or neither of them come". But it was really important to me that both of my parents and my step-parents were there - I love them all and they're all a huge part of my life, and I really wanted to share the day with them. But I was also conscious my Mum and Stepmum had never met (Dad and Stepdad had).

Ultimately, I had to say it was important to me that they were all invited, but I understood her feelings and if that meant she didn't feel she could attend I'd respect her wishes.

She did change her mind in the end. We arranged for Mum and Stepmum to meet before the day, to try and take some of the drama away. That was an awkward meeting, but I'm glad we did it. The day itself went really smoothly, and Mum and Stepmum actually ended up getting on pretty well.

And my favourite photo from the day is of me and my husband with my Mum and Stepdad on one side, and my Dad and Stepmum on the other.

And what would happen, if all three do attend, about the seating arrangements on the top table? The FIL and MIL should really be sat with each other next to their son. Where does that leave the step mum? I can imagine she might not be too happy sat with random friends and relatives at one of the other tables away from her husband. Another potential drama.

It's perfectly possible to get married without the top table nonsense.

It's

Brides father Brides Mother Groom

Bride, Grooms Father, (OW) Brides Mother (OW)

Parents don't sit with their son daughter on the top table - Awkward

Could MIL be worried about details?

I didn't have a 'top table' for that reason .
I had me, groom , bridesmaids , best man and partners on one round table and just put the other FAR AWAY from each other.

I agree that it might help if she knew she didn't have to sit on same table as him X

Good luck OP. X

Exactly. That's why I said upthread to come up with a plan to show they won't be together. Photographs with be a big worry too.

Work out the plan to show how seperate they'll be and explain to her that you understand her worries but the this is important to your DH and its his day and you want him to be happy.

This is one mil issue where I think you should take control and talk to your mil.

Agreed Joysmum xx

It's been 20 years ffs, the manipulative MIL wasn't even married that long. I think you need to play her Frozen 'Let it go, let it goooo'

Seriously, if she won't go to the wedding, that is totally her issue to work on. 20 years of bitterness to the extent you would upset your child is so unhealthy. No wonder she hadn't managed to hold down a relationship, she sounds a nightmare.

Another thought, FIL & his wife could likely have committed a murder, done time & been rehabilitated in 20 years. No one died, it wasn't a crime, marriages break up. Let. It.go.

I have a lot of experience with issues like these. I sympathize with the MIL, but as others have pointed out, she is ok with being with her former husband who is the person most responsible for hurting her.

I think when we have children we should be willing to put our own feelings aside in situations like this, especially after 20 years. I am so happy that my parents did.

Oh and the top table issue is a non-issue. I'm an expert on this, having also married a divorced man and being a step-mother of brides and grooms.
Separate tables are your friend.

distance call twenty years not thirty.

She might not be ok with being with her ex husband either, but recognises his right to be at his own child's wedding. Maybe she doesn't feel that ow has as much of an entitlement.

I think there won't be any agreement on this thread. People seem divided between thinking mil should suck it up after all this time, and a more sympathetic approach. Has op been back to say whether they have reached a decision?

I think it does show the tremendous hurt and damage that affairs do, such far reaching consequences and so many people impacted even years later.

Tell her to speak to ExH directly to discuss what to do. Say you are not prepared to choose a side, they are all welcome and you'd really like them all there but will respect any decisions they make.

Personally I find it a bit odd that the other woman is the badie, when her husband was the one who had the affair

Haven't read the entire thread (though did my best - a woman has to get to bed at some point).

The posters who suggest stbMIL should 'suck it up' and should have 'moved on' by now are drawing on the benefit of current psychology (as well as being very dense about the true decimating nature of betrayals like this). MIL will not have had the benefit of this level of cultural support and knowledge when it happened to her - and subsequently. Not everyone has access to this type of knowledge and wouldn't have the first idea it existed, much less how to get it.

Mil will also be on her own without a partner to 'shield' her. Again, posters say she should get her friends around her.. as though she's living a contemporary life with lots of friends who recognise the enormity of the situation and know how to step up. It is likely, because of MIL's age, she won't have friends like that.

I think your MIL is behaving with great dignity here.

Springydaffs Exactly how old do you think the MiL is ????
The breakup happened only 20 years ago - that's the end of the 1990s, not 1910 you know. I suspect the MiL is similar age to me... believe me, we have heard of the concept of 'moving on' in life, just because we may be over 50, we aren't actually dinosaurs you know

I'm in favour of mil and the sm both going as this what their DS/DSS wants.

This does not mean I don't have empathy, but does mean that mil should want to see her own sons wedding more than she doesn't want to see his DSM at his wedding, especially given she's not expressed a wish not to see her ex.

Nothing should be more important than seeing your own son get married.

Put a plan in place to show her they won't have to meet/mingle/have photos together and tell her how hurt her DS will be if she doesn't want to be there.

No we aren't, Back

I still say that what courses through contemporary culture misses swathes of people our age. yy we've all heard the revolting phrase 'move on' and understand the concept... up to a point. But I'm not sure anybody really gets it tbh, young or old.

Or in between arf

How very sad for your fiancé OP. I hope his mother comes around and realises how sad she is making him feel and puts her baggage and bitterness aside to make his day special.

This happened two decades ago! It's not healthy to carry that around so long. As people have said, she is damaging her children's lives, let alone her own. She needs to move on. The OW is the fiancé's father's long term wife. Someone who has been a part of his life for a long time, someone who probably loves him too, who would love to see him get married - all the things I would feel about my stepson. So personally I don't think she should be made to miss the wedding.

My Friend, before I knew her, had an affair with her husband's best friend. She left him with her two children and married his friend. There has been bitterness for two decades. Their daughter got married last year. They put it aside. They sat (both with their new spouses) at the top table. They even danced together during the couple's first dance. They gave a semblance of liking each other and being civil. It made their child's day wonderful. We all know they don't get on. But I admire them for what they did at that wedding.

Tell your MIL how much you want her there, how you will move heaven and earth sit them with separate groups of friends and family at different ends of the room, to make sure they won't meet etc. But don't allow her to dictate or run the wedding. Sorry, but she needs to grow up.

I'm another who agrees with Imperial.

I think your STBMIL has been gracious & honest with your DP & from what you've said, hasn't made any ultimatums at all. OTOH, your STBFIL has used emotional blackmail with your DP about his wife being invited. He sounds horrid & selfish.

I had a friend who was in a similar situation however the OW (now wife of 20+ years) gracefully declined & the day went beautifully.

I think it does show the tremendous hurt and damage that affairs do, such far reaching consequences and so many people impacted even years later.

Well said HappyJ.

If nothing else, the above should really sink in when people consider having an affair. It doesn't only impact on your spouse.

In fact it's one I'll use as an example of the devastation caused by infidelity with my next pre marriage course.

I feel for your MIL. If she hasn't seen the man who left her for someone else for 20 years and caused her unimaginable pain can you imagine how terrified she's going to be at the thought of having to face him?

Others have said both their unamicably divorced parents were able to attend their weddings with their new partners however the MIL doesn't have a new partner and may well have been on her own for the past 20 years. She might've been so hurt that she just couldn't allow herself the possibility of a new relationship despite feeling alone and sad for the marriage she thought would be forever.

Her son and daughter in law to be should acknowledge her feelings and respect her decision. It is not that easy to move on and draw a line under things (if only!) For some people their personalities mean that time doesn't heal irrespective of how much counselling they have and how much they might want to.

Nothing like as painful a situation but when I was petrified of attending a wedding recently which I really wanted to make myself go to the following things helped:

Talking about all the people I knew would be attending who could keep me company and look out for me. Could MIL bring a female friend as her 'plus one?' I presume she'll know loads of people who are going?

Knowing I could leave at any time if it all got too much. You could reassure her that if once she got ready she couldn't leave the house you'd understand. Could you designate someone to be her driver so that if at any time she felt she couldn't cope and wanted to leave she had the option? Whether that was in the cermony, after the meal, whilst dancing at the reception... Sometimes knowing you have that option readily available to you and that the bride and groom and the people you love most won't judge you makes the situation more copable.

Talk through seating plan and photography arrangements as that can be reassuring.

Ask her if she'd like your help in choosing an outfit she feels fabulous in. Treat her to a hair and makeup session on the day if you can afford it or buy her a handbag, shoes, jewellery, manicure, facial... Something you know will boost her confidence a little.

Ask her to plan a reward and treat for 'facing her fears' shortly afterwards - spa day, shopping trip etc.

Ask her what she's most afraid of and what would help. Reassure her that she'd never have to speak to either of them and you'd do everything in your power to minimise sightings with your seating plans etc.

Would she consider some counselling sessions to talk through her fears and learn possible coping strategies for getting through the day, even just breathing techniques?

If she really can't face it how can she still be involved? Can she be there whilst your partner is getting ready? Could you pop in and see her between the cermony and the reception? Could someone send her photos of you both throughout the day? Will you see her the next day?

Hopefully she'll begin to realise that if she can do this then it'll mean that she knows she can be in the same room as them occasionally and she won't have to miss out on a plethora of other special family occasions over the years, especially should you go on to have children.

Being left out is horrible! I really don't think this is a decision your MIL would've made lightly.

Another vote for Imperial.

The modern mantra of "move on" doesn't really match the depth of the human heart.

FIL got to "move on" to his happy ever after, MIL didn't. That could indicate who bears the deepest scars.

Much better this than there is drama e.g. Have they ever been in the same room. It would be hard to predict what might happen if it was.

And if they have been in the same room together before, how did that go? Drama filled? Or maybe looked fine to everyone else, but MIL though able to act fine at the time was drained for weeks after.

It's also possible that there are details your DH doesn't know the finer points of (for good reason) that are pertinent.

So it is perfectly possible that this is a case of discretion being the better part of valour, not a passive aggressive tactic.

It is very sad for your DH. Maybe he, like his mother doesn't get to have all the people he lives the most in a room at once. As a child of divorce myself I know how heartbreaking that is. But the person in the situation who does get that regularly is FIL. Not MIL. And he won't be the one who invokes your DH's ire- MIL will be. She also didn't choose to have an affair-FIL did.

So why us the potential row between the two abandoned parties, with the philandering abandoner not worrying s jog about how others?

I hate victim blaming. And saying someone who was cheated on and abandoned is "bitter" or "unhealthy" for refusing to be in the same room as someone who hurt them very deeply is victim blaming.