STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

The MIL has said she would attend if ex-h there, so to me I would just have both of them there, and hope that his second wife will have enough compassion to not attend and give her husband her blessing to attend without her. The MIL is his birth mother, and despite people saying the Step mother has equal love and emotional ties to her stepson, that's nonsense. How could she? Would be far more heartbreaking for his mum if she didn't attend than his step mum.

Tbh I think the future MIL is actually the only one who is being authentic in this situation. Everyone else wants to play happy families for the sake of one day, at the expense of the pain of a family member. Are a set of glossy pictures really worth that?

It is irrelevant what other people think about her getting over it, this is how she feels. She does have a right to her feelings after many years of being a single parent, putting her own needs to one side and raising her children. She's a human being not mother Theresa.

An awful lot of assumptions are being made on this thread so let me throw in another - the MIL knows that by saying I'm happy to see ex husband but not OW she is causing the maximum angst / trouble because there is no way the ex husband will come without his wife of 20+ years and so by saying this the MIL is causing the maximum trouble for the ex husband .

Have a good friend who is with a divorced guy. No affair. They met later. But there were issues with the exwife on and off around the children. Nothing too much. When his dd was getting married she decided not to go. Didn't wait for invitations. Told sd she didn't want to cause any awkwardness or upset on the day of her wedding and it was a family day for them. Sd was happy for her to go but accepted her decision. They get on well. I think it's up to the ow to bow out here. Or maybe the suggestion about one at church one later.
At dds graduation ceremony two of her friends were so stressed as parents hadn't been in one room for years. Tension all round. Its so difficult for the kids.

I don't think anyone is saying that they all want to play happy families for the day. I think the DP is saying that he would like to have both his mother and father there, but also a woman that he has known for 20 years. It's saying that he would like to invite the people important to him, and that will include other friends and family, to share his wedding day. There is no need for the mum and stepmum to speak to each other or be anywhere near each other on the day if they don't wish to.

I genuinely cannot understand why adults can not put aside their feelings for one day to support their son. It's one day, and it's HIS day and his bride's.

A grown man not able to go to an event without his wife?! Whyever not?

It's not a case of why cant he go on his own ,it's a case of why should he when he has a wife who has been part of his sons life for 20+ years .

At my brothers wedding my parents attended their significant others did not.

At my brothers wedding my parents attended their significant others did not.

Which is fine if that's what the bride and groom want, but it doesn't seem like it is.

This isn't about past or current hurts. It's about celebrating a marriage of two young people.

That's the focus of the day, and everything else should be put to one side.

Continuing to drag children into the fighting and hurt surrounding divorce into adulthood is just wrong.

I wish that people understood that there is a difference between the relationship you have with your partner and the relationship you have with your children.

Going to your son's wedding is part of your relationship with him. It has little to do with your former partner (other than the fact that he is the father of your child). If this woman had been abused by her partner, I would understand completely. But what happended was infidelity. Thirty years ago.

The MIL's is of course entitled to her feelings about it. But I don't think she should make her son "take sides" - he wants both his mother and his father at his wedding, naturally. And his father has a new partner. Whom she (perhaps understandably loathes). But presumably the MIL is not required to interact with her at all. And if she cannot face seeing this woman in a crowd after THIRTY YEARS, she needs therapy, frankly.

Missing your son's wedding because your ex-husband and his wife will be there sounds like cutting your nose to spite your face to me.

Yes, it really does. Aren't you some kind of counsellor, Sandy? Do you really think it's healthy for pain to be that intense after 20 years, and for everyone else to have to accept that?

I'd say considering she's not caused an issue over it for 20 years she has by and large come through it, because had she shown her pain all these years, I doubt that there would have been any consideration to invite the SMIL.

I can understand how her presence, standing where the mum should be ... in photos.... sitting next to her Ex would be a massive trigger and a very painful experience which could actually cause a major setback for her.

Rather than the vision of exOW at the wedding haunting her for years to come, I can totally understand why she'd rather not attend.

Infidelity can take some people a lifetime to get over. That doesn't mean they can't function on a day to day basis.

My exh won't go to any family events to which I am invited. He has therefore missed ds's wedding and all the significant events in the lives of his dgc. In fact he has only met the dgc a couple of times. His relationship with ds is decidedly rocky because of this. His loss, though I think it's just as painful for ds and I would love them to patch things up.

Some people are just bitter and manipulative.

Reading the thread again (bored stuck on a train) there are 2 camps.

A) Those who think mil feelings are valid and if she feels the big day will be stressful/hurtfull/tense and something she cannot cope with then the B & G should accept that and try to involve mum in other ways. Plus this camp feel OW should do the right thing and offer to not attend the day/just tbe eveng reception.

B) Mil should get over it, its been 20 years and she should be there for her son as uts his special day

Niether camp is helpful to the OP and i cannot actually see a solution where everyone will be happy.
I am in camp A and cannot help but feel for the mum or imagine the anxiety she feels at making this choice. Maybe its time mum "won" and finally had a memory not taintex by her husbands affair.

Bambam

Excellent post at 14:30. People seem to think that MIL is a robot who should suck it up and disregard her pain.

Some people might do and spend heaps of cash on counselling as a result. You can't dictate how someone else should or should not feel.

Having known someone commit suicide as a result of infidelity, I don't have much tolerance for OWs/OM.

OP, could you consider allowing mil to 'win' this one as it is such a significant event in her child's life, but sensitively explain that this may not always be possible and a precedent has not been set? It may get her thinking about future events and the difficult position your DP is in so that she is in a more considered position when a christening or other event comes along.

The worse thing you can do it try and invalidate the feelings of another person. You may not understand it, but you should not invalidate their feelings.

Surely the memory will still be tainted by the affair if she's going to be there with but apart from her ex husband? There's still the potential for hand wringing over who sits next to who, who goes in what photos, does the photographer have to do photos of the married couple with the in-laws separately? The presence of his wife (of two decades) makes no difference to that situation.

Secret option C: The groom invites whoever he wants to invite, instead of having to pander to the whims of the adults whose collective decisions have forced him into this situation.

Option C will probably turn in to mum not going.
I honestly think accept mum choice and involving her in other ways is the kindest option. She may change her mind before the big day if she us caught up in the planning and importance of the day itself.?

I can understand how her presence, standing where the mum should be ... in photos....

Presumably you know the bride and groom and photographer personally?!

You have NO IDEA whether this will happen. You're being ridiculous.

Having known someone commit suicide as a result of infidelity, I don't have much tolerance for OWs/OM.

What about the person who actually cheated?

milkyface - most people have even less tolerance for the person who cheated, but plenty left over for ow/om too.

I cannot understand how low your self esteem has to be to respond to advances from a married person. Surely the only normal reaction, during the very first flirtatious interaction, is revulsion.

Supposing John only married Jane because she was pregnant. He knew he cared for her and assumed it must be love. They tried to make a go of it but then he met Carol (OW) and fell deeply in love.
He knew he'd never feel this way about Jane and despite being heartbroken about leaving his young DS, he knew he had to be with Carol no matter what. 20 years on and he is still madly in love with Carol.

Unfortunately, Jane still feels angry and bitter about the split and has never forgiven him for 'abandoning' her and their son. She tells anyone who'll listen that the OW has ruined her life. She won't accept that John never really loved her.

Many years ago, I was a Jane but I realised after a couple of years that I had loved my ex more than he had loved me and whilst it was tricky to learn to take a risk on love again, I did eventually and have been with my DH for 14 yrs.

I honestly don't think that every marriage break up is simply down to basic sexual urges and in the thread scenario, the FIL has been with 2nd DW for longer than he was married to his first DW.

I think the fiancé should invite everyone and leave it to the individuals to choose to attend or not.

John and Jane being the parents trump Carol and John being a couple (assuming that John and Jane were equally good parents and John raised the child when they had contact rather than Carol. )

There are couples who split amicably or couples where a John leaves a Jane and a Carol turns up later but this is one of those situations where nobody can get "their way".

John didn't just fall in love with Carol. There are loads of stages before he's in love. At any stage he could tell Jane the truth and leave honestly.

It's funny how many men only realise they don't love their wife when another woman hoves into view.

It's funny how many men say ow is their soulmate yet don't leave until their hand is forced.

Personally I think John woke up next to Carol one day and realised he felt the same about her as he felt about Jane, but he'll stick around this time because he's a bit wiser.