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Original poster

STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

605 replies

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 24/08/2016 23:03

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/08/2016 12:22

Those of you who take the " I would never be in the same room as a home wrecker " line, can I ask you.

It's very different when it's your home that was wrecked though.

DiL to OW. Does the sin carry on to the seventh generation?

Your MIL is an OW now wife? You can't choose your family or your inlaws I guess.

I do get BSs who say they got no support from MIL or FIL when their spouse had an affair, because they did the same thing themselves. In fact not just no support, but blame.

One MIL told her DIL to "get over it" and . It's not that bad a thing to do" and that many husbands did much worse things than her son.
MIL was an OW herself in that case.

What support do you think you'd get from her if your DH had an affair? People tend not to see their actions as wrong and put it all down to love. So would she see her son as being wrong? Doubtful.

milkyface · 25/08/2016 12:26

Apparently everyones feelings need to be considered......accept mil. She must put her feelings aside probably being doing that for 20 years while her son had contact time with the 2 people who ruined a marriage* again and put everyone elses first.
After 20 years should she not be allowed to say "no. I am putting myself first on this one. It will be me that is most hurt if i go and i dont think it is fair for people to expect me to do that*

Ah so FIL shouldn't have had contact with his son because he cheated. Wtf.

I agree though that she shouldn't have to go if she doesn't want to.

Her feelings have been considered by op, but it's obvious her dh wants his mum to be there, but maybe he doesn't feel it fair to exclude his stem mother and potentially his dad.

The poor bloke wants them all there to celebrate his marriage by the sound of it, and I can't blame him for wanting that.

If I got married I'd like to think my mother could be civil with my dad for one day, and vice versa. It might hurt his mum a but, but it's not her day is the bride and grooms.

User543212345 · 25/08/2016 12:26

Your poor fiancé! He's been put in an entirely unfair position between his parents, seemingly by his mother, which I cannot fathom. Yes, she's entitled to still carry some hurt from her failed marriage and not want to be around his stepmother but to express that on his wedding day isn't kind. I'd imagine that FiL will find it hard to attend and celebrate someone else's marriage when his isn't being recognised by his wife not being invited.

I'd be tempted to either call MIL's bluff and say fine don't come (my mother did the I won't come thing about 1000 times over our wedding, she turned up) or sit her down and say firmly but kindly that this is not the day for her to do this, that she needs to find a way to suck it up and is there anyway you can help her with this - inviting someone to help support her?

Or, do as a pp says and You know what? In your shoes, OP, I'd bloody cancel the whole thing, elope, and spend the money on an amazing honeymoon. If they can't come to a reasonable adult settlement, then don't have a wedding! It's a hell of a lot of money and fuss for people who can't behave for a few hours

I hope you find a solution that makes you and your fiancé happy - because the wedding day should be about you being happy and not tinged with sadness because of others' behaviour.

milkyface · 25/08/2016 12:28

She has no emotional ties to his son other than by marriage,

I hope you're not a step parent.

SandyY2K · 25/08/2016 12:31

Milky

I am not the other women, though dps ex tells everyone I was. Do I count?

Only you and he really know if you were the OW.

TheCraicDealer · 25/08/2016 12:36

When OW got together with DF, she understood that he came with baggage, had a life previous to her and that she wasn't part of that previous life. The son forms part of that previous life, of which she was no part of.

The OP clearly states that he spent time with his DF and DSM as a child, he grew up with her around and it sounds like she had a part to play in raising him. You can't just disregard the twenty years in between 'old life' and present day. Sounds like OP's DP actually wants her there because, shockingly, he likes her.

There's quite a lot of reference throughout the thread to 'blood' relatives and 'real parents' and similar throwaway comments. If I had a stepchild, or a child I had adopted or fostered, I would be gutted that some people seem to think that sharing genetic material somehow always 'trumps' affection and love.

Figgygal · 25/08/2016 12:42

sorry this woman is not after 20 years the OW she is his bloody fathers wife and has been part of fiancées family for so long I don't see why she should be expected to back out. I think your fiancée's mother inability to move on is quite sad but shouldn't be pandered to if she has made decision not to go then up to her.

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 12:42

People think that breaking up a toddlers family trumps any subsequent affection you might have for the child.

The harm you did to the child stands.

Any claim.to living a child whose family yiu destroyed is bogus

TheStoic · 25/08/2016 12:45

If my mother chose not to come to my wedding, I'm not sure I could get past that.

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 12:48

If you would ditch your mother because she didn't go to a party, you can't love her much.

milkyface · 25/08/2016 12:51

Only you and he really know if you were the OW.

Er yes and I wasn't, I hope you're not implying you think I was. Hmm

milkyface · 25/08/2016 12:52

DoinIt I think a wedding is slightly more than a 'party' don't you

TheStoic · 25/08/2016 12:53

If you would ditch your mother because she didn't go to a party, you can't love her much.

It would be a pretty clear message that her feelings trumped mine on one of the most significant days, and memories, of my life. I don't think I'd need to ditch her.

I'm divorced. Wild horses wouldn't keep me from my kids' weddings. Cannot fathom a parent putting themselves ahead of their children so blatantly. It's astonishingly selfish.

StopMakingMeLogOn · 25/08/2016 12:53

I think that when it comes down to it your dp should choose his mum - fil has to accept that his actions have far reaching consequences and one of those consequences is that he has to attend his son's wedding without the woman he cheated with.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 25/08/2016 12:59

I agree with TheStoic. I can't imagine anything keeping me from my children's weddings, nothing at all. Also MIL knows that by refusing to attend she is upsetting her son.

I'm sorry but I don't believe she wants to quietly not go and then not hold a grudge. She is fully expecting her son to uninvite his father and stepmother and that's what this is all about. Mothers sometimes believe they are the only person whose feelings should matter to their sons and actually this is not the case.

Somerville · 25/08/2016 13:08

I can't imagine anything keeping me from my children's weddings, nothing at all

I can't either.

But I know that things happen that are so deeply hurtful that the people who suffer them have triggers they have to avoid, for the sake of their own mental health.

Three years ago I wouldn't have been able to imagine myself not being able to take my little girl to the nearest A&E department when she has an asthma attack, and having to send someone else with her. Yet that's the situation I find myself in. I'm aware it makes me sound like a shit mother. I'm actually a pretty decent one where I have any choice. But I don't over this.

And I have a friend who missed a much loved siblings weddings because another family member they've gone NC with due to abuse would be in attendance.

So whilst I can't imagine not feeling able to attend one of my children's weddings, I know full well that there are scenarios in which this would be the case for someone.

BackforGood · 25/08/2016 13:10

OP's dp doesn't have to choose anyone. He would like both his parents, and the woman that has been his stepmother for 20 years, to all come to his wedding. That is what he would like, and that is what he intends the invitation to be. I absolutely think that his Dad should be able to include his wife in his life after all this time.
People are making massive assumptions about the marriage in the first place, that he left a happy situation, that he abandoned his kids, etc. None of us know that. OP's dp obviously is close to him, so it doesn't sound like he abandoned them.
Even if he had done, then the OP's dp's Mum should still be able to tolerate being in the same room as him for a few hours on a special day for her child.
I've been closely involved in trying to persuade a friend to grow up and do the same for her kids - on recent occasions it's been their graduations, but, they are aware there will be other occasions (such as weddings) in the future. He (my friend) was very bitter - quite rightly and understandably so - at the time of the affair and split, but it is now himself who is now missing out on family occasions, due to his inability to move on to the next stage after all these years. It is him that is hurting his dc now, not the parent who had the affair.

Julius02 · 25/08/2016 13:21

I agree with BackforGood - the most important person here is the DP who wants his father and mother with him on what should be one of the happiest days of his life. He has known his stepmother for 20 years, probably longer than some of the other people who will be invited and it is natural that he would want to include her - it doesn't mean that she has to play any 'family' part - I certainly didn't at my stepchild's wedding, I was just one of many guests who mingled in the crowds with other family members and friends and wasn't in 'family' photos.

I find it very difficult that DP's mother is not putting her son's feelings first on his wedding day. This is the sort of thing my late mother would have done, and I know that I would have been very distressed by it. She should not be putting her son in this position.

Gazelda · 25/08/2016 13:31

I'm afraid I haven't RTFT. Due back at work from lunch break 5 mins ago Blush

But this happened to us. MIL refused to come, we begged. Then we let it drop for about 3 months and carried on with our plans, telling her our arrangements as we went along. Absolutely no pressure from us.

Nearer the time, other family members spoke frankly with her. Suggested she may regret it. Made all sorts of plans to mitigate them having to be near each other.

She changed her mind. I shopped with her or her outfit, let her know we were thrilled, but also understood her angst.

She came, there were awkward hellos, but then a few conversations between the two women (I presume about how lovely I looked Grin. And FIL apologised to MIL for all the past hurt. No more awkwardness. Everyone had a wonderful time.

It is possible OP, but I 100% understand your MIL's position.

TheStoic · 25/08/2016 13:45

So whilst I can't imagine not feeling able to attend one of my children's weddings, I know full well that there are scenarios in which this would be the case for someone.

In the case of abuse, it's understandable. And advisable. But this women doesn't have a problem with her Ex husband.

She needs to sort herself out before she ruins her relationship with her son, and jeopardises future relationships with any grandchildren.

No other woman is worth that.

SandyY2K · 25/08/2016 14:18

Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you don't have feelings. Personally I'd understand my presence causing distress to the mother if I was the OW now wife and stay away. It might be the only decent thing she's ever done.

Parents make enough sacrifices for children, so not having the SMIL there, who caused me so much pain, is really not asking much IMO. Doesn't matter if it's 20 years, 5 years or 50 years later.

milkyface · 25/08/2016 14:22

It might be the only decent thing she's ever done.

That is a really spiteful nasty thing to say.

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 14:23

*But this women doesn't have a problem with her Ex husband.

You just made that up.

Presumably she has a massive problem with the bastard who has been angling to bring his wife, regardless of the triubke that might cause.

But she and the father have equal statusxas the young man's parents.

Giving the OW the sake consideration is a pretty massive fuck yiu.

Canyouforgiveher · 25/08/2016 14:27

Any claim.to living a child whose family yiu destroyed is bogus

Does that work for the father too? His "claim" to a child (presume you mean his claim to love him) is bogus because he destroyed the marriage?

TheStoic · 25/08/2016 14:28

Doesn't matter if it's 20 years, 5 years or 50 years later.

Yes, it really does. Aren't you some kind of counsellor, Sandy? Do you really think it's healthy for pain to be that intense after 20 years, and for everyone else to have to accept that?

Wouldn't you advise this woman to seek help to triumph over her pain, rather than spend 50 years forcing everyone else to work around it?