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Original poster

STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

605 replies

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 24/08/2016 23:03

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

OP posts:
GingerbreadGingerbread · 25/08/2016 11:23

If this situation was reversed, and OP's fiance's mother had left his father for another man and gone on to have a long and happy relationship with that person and OP's finance had a good relationship with his stepfather and then his father said "I won't come to your wedding if your stepfather comes", wouldn't everyone think that was a little self centred and ridiculous?

SandyY2K · 25/08/2016 11:26

*Sorry but it's not fair to exclude his wife. He's been married to her longer than he was mil.

Irrelevant. The length of time isn't the issue here.

You can't be forced into an affair ffs.

Didn't say you could be. But she went with a MM. FIL is his father and entitled to be at the wedding, she isn't.

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 11:28

We know that the FIL started putting pressure on his son for his wife to be invited before the MIL said anything.

But of course it is the mother who is to bkame and who must hollow hersrlf out and feel no feelings and put her adult sin's feelings ahead if her iwn forever.

Because she us not really a person.

Just a function. Mother.

SandyY2K · 25/08/2016 11:28

I do wonder how many of those commenting are the EX OW and now wife here. I guess they'd be too ashamed to admit.

milkyface · 25/08/2016 11:29

FIL is his father and entitled to be at the wedding, she isn't.

Bollocks. She's invited, therefore she's just as 'entitled' to be there as any other guest.

We don't even know if she knew he was married do we?! No.

WannaBeDifferent · 25/08/2016 11:29

How sad that the hurt caused all those years ago is being passed onto your OH now.

I hope you all come to a suitable decision that keeps everyone happy Op.

milkyface · 25/08/2016 11:29

FIL is his father and entitled to be at the wedding, she isn't.

Bollocks. She's invited, therefore she's just as 'entitled' to be there as any other guest.

We don't even know if she knew he was married do we?! No.

sianihedgehog · 25/08/2016 11:29

Op, how bad would it be if she DID tell the OW exactly what she thinks? I mean, if she's afraid she can't go in case that happens, then that is the worst case scenario, right? Maybe your DP could talk to her about that? Causing a scene is pretty unpleasant, but is it worse than missing your son's wedding? Maybe she could give attending a go, with everyone knowing that is a risk, and find on the day that actually she can just give the OW a LOOK and walk away?

M0rven · 25/08/2016 11:31

Those of you who take the " I would never be in the same room as a home wrecker " line, can I ask you..

How do you manage social functions? Work ?

When you do to a wedding or funeral , how do you know that there won't be one of those "evil" women there ? What about work - do you have to personally approve of all the lifestyles of everyone in your workplace ? What about clients or customers?

Please understand - I am not supporting those who commit adultery - men or women. I think it's a weak and immoral choice . But we live in a complicated world and no one is perfect . Marriages do break down and it's easy to judge from the outside without knowing all the facts.

I think that some of the views on here are a little extreme.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 25/08/2016 11:32

SandyY2K

I have never, nor would I ever, have a relationship with a MM so that's not the motivation for my opinions. I genuinely think this is slightly ridiculous and selfish of MIL.

milkyface · 25/08/2016 11:32

I do wonder how many of those commenting are the EX OW and now wife here. I guess they'd be too ashamed to admit.

I am not the other women, though dps ex tells everyone I was. Do I count? :)

Fwiw, I would offer not to go if it was me in this situation, because his ex is violent and I'd probably end up in hospital if she'd had a drink. But if she was a woman who could act civilly, as I am with her, I would go unless told by the couple that they would prefer their mother to attend, and me not to, and I would understand.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 25/08/2016 11:33

Marriages do break down and it's easy to judge from the outside without knowing all the facts.

This.

Tabsicle · 25/08/2016 11:36

SandyY2K - DiL to OW. Does the sin carry on to the seventh generation?

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 11:37

It carries on as long as there are living people with feelings who are still upset.

DinosaursRoar · 25/08/2016 11:40

Honestly think the best solution is to try to arrange a less high profile meeting, get it over and done with and then make the decision - eg engagement drinks. If MIL isn't prepared to try, or see that a SM of 20 years is a big part of her DS's family (not just her ExH's wife) then you might have to be firmer about this.

I would be equally worried she'd "have to say something" to her ExH. Why are we assuming if she's really incapable of being civil for a few hours with his new DW she is fully capable of not making a scene with him anyway? If it's just that this is the first time she's seen her for 20 years, then get that over and done with.

Tabsicle · 25/08/2016 11:41

DoinItFine - goodness. I was being sarcastic. You actually think it's reasonable to punish children and grandchildren for the sins of their parents?

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 11:51

You actually think it's reasonable to punish children and grandchildren for the sins of their parents?

Again, nope.

Is it just my posts you have trouble comprehending?

Your sarcasm insinuated that this was ancient history, despite the person hurt by it being very much still alive and still present.

Despite being someone's mother, she is also a person.

She does not want to attend the wedding her son is planning, because it will be shit for her.

Most of us would not plan weddings that would be painful for the woman who raised us.

IzzyIsBusy · 25/08/2016 11:58

Apparently everyones feelings need to be considered......accept mil. She must put her feelings aside probably being doing that for 20 years while her son had contact time with the 2 people who ruined a marriage again and put everyone elses first.
After 20 years should she not be allowed to say "no. I am putting myself first on this one. It will be me that is most hurt if i go and i dont think it is fair for people to expect me to do that"

pasic · 25/08/2016 11:58

I would want to make very sure that the SM knows how things stand, she's the key here. She could smooth the whole thing over if she chooses to.

I would hold off sending any invitations for a while anyway.

Tabsicle · 25/08/2016 12:01

My post was a response to SandyY2K who asked how many people here were secretly the OW now wife. I said "no" but mentioned my tie to another bitter divorce which I've seen cause massive hurt over the last half century to the point where the relationship between first and second family is now non-existent, and where a great deal of the hurt has now been passed down to younger people, which is why I think it is so important to try and work through these things.

I do think you seem very bitter and made some very inapppropriate comparisons earlier with the Omagh bombings. But I think we're just not communicating now so I will withdraw.

BaggyCheeks · 25/08/2016 12:08

People can have a contrary opinion without being an OW Hmm

Again - all the focus is on the parents, and not the feelings of the child of the divorce. Totally agree with Tabsicle about punishing children for the sins of their fathers.

I am a mother, do I think my feelings should override those of my children at their events, or them starting their own family? Absolutely not. When I have my own event, I will invite who I wish. Same as when DP and I marry, and we decide whether we invite his DF against the wishes of MIL (who, incidentally, married her OM) or not.

winefairyagain · 25/08/2016 12:08

Italiangreyhound Thank you for your kind words

WeddingFuckUp · 25/08/2016 12:10

I feel for you OP, I've been in exactly the same situation and it's awful.

FIL's affair was going on for the entire time he was married to MIL (he had been told that his OW wasn't good enough for him to marry and he also thought MIL was from a rich family so would marry her to further his career...). Anyhoo, he left and married his now wife (DH won't call her MIL, she is 'my father's wife' to him) and they've been together much longer than MIL was with him. They are very well suited and happy, for information.

They're all not great people and MIL and FIL were completely not suited and wouldn't have remained together anyway. MIL also likes to joke about what she would do to SMIL making everyone feel very bad. FIL is very rude about MIL and has always been, I've no idea why MIL is still interested in him and places all blame on SMIL, whereas she was actually there first. I don't really like any of them.

They ruined parts of the wedding. SMIL didn't come so FIL spent all day asking us to hurry up so he could leave and MIL sobbed loudly all the way through the service, in a very OTT way. She made sure photos weren't taken of parts of the family (including some of mine!) as it made her feel awkward and generally thought little of how it affected us, even when SMIL wasn't there.

Please find a compromise to have the day that you want. Even if SMIL is not there, the wounded parties may find a way to ruin things, I wish neither of them had come to our wedding.

CheeseandGherkins · 25/08/2016 12:15

I agree with imperial too and I would go as far as to uninvite fil wife so that mum would be there. My mother being there would matter more to me than fil wife. Also agree that the repercussions of an affair are long lasting and that the passing of time isn't relevant.

Livelovebehappy · 25/08/2016 12:22

When OW got together with DF, she understood that he came with baggage, had a life previous to her and that she wasn't part of that previous life. The son forms part of that previous life, of which she was no part of. Therefore, i don't see why OW would have an issue with not attending the wedding. She has no emotional ties to his son other than by marriage, so should leave the day to be celebrated by the parents. And to keep coming up with the phrase 'he has been married to OW longer than married to ex-wife' is irrelevant, as obviously the first marriage produced a child so there is always going to be a link and attachment to his first family. The OW should have some compassion for the ex-wife's situation, and agree to step back on this one.