STBMIL refusing to attend our wedding

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Posting on behalf of DP. He wanted to try it in AIBU but I'm not that, er, brave.

So DP's parents divorced almost 20 years ago. It was a very acrimonious split - MIL discovered FIL was having an affair, they tried for a while but it all fell apart. Of course there's three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth - but by all accounts no one covered themselves in glory. I know it was an extremely difficult time in MIL's life.

FIL married the then OW soon after and they have been together ever since, at this point longer than he was married to MIL. DP has obviously spent lots of time with her during contact with his dad as a child, and as adults we've stayed with them several times too. It's not always been easy, but until now I think DP felt that everyone's lives had moved on.

We've been engaged for a while but recently booked our wedding venue. DP called MIL to let her know and she asked who's on the guestlist. DP reeled off a list of his family, including FIL's wife.

MIL told him straight away that she would not be attending the wedding if FIL's wife was there too. She is adamant she will not be there and will stay at home. She wasn't angry, or bitter - she said she would be happy for us, and think of us all day, but she just would not be able to come. DP says it wasn't an argument.

She says she would rather do this than be around FIL's wife (not FIL - that she would do, and has done in the past) and that she would not be able to hold back all the things she's wanted to say for the last 20 years.

DP is, understandably, pretty upset. He says MIL hasn't given an ultimatum, but I rather feel she has. My opinion is that, as it stands, we should calmly accept her choice, while reminding her that it is hers only and that we would love her to be there. DP wants to try and beg her to come, and convince her to see the error of her ways. He says he thinks she feels we've betrayed her.

How do we deal with this situation? Has anyone else been in similar? Any advice on handling it very much appreciated!

DoinItFine, It's not the person that causes the hurt that chooses how long it is felt for it is (quite obviously!) the person that feels the hurt.

Yes, awful things happen. True tragedies. The people left will be devasted, distraught and feel destroyed.

But, in time, they can move forward and create their new way of being, or they can wallow forever feeling hurt. It IS a choice. And it is simple, so calling it simplistic isn't an insult.

You think I am saying this with no experience of hurt? I am saying this because I KNOW this is true from my own experience and the experience of those close to me.

How your life is and will be is all to do with how you respond to the shit that will inevitably happen rather than the shit itself.

But imomshock this is not about who is til's wife! This is about ego the op's stbdh want's at his wedding, his mum or the woman who his das left her for. To Mr it is a no brainer!

The OW may be a lovely lady but she did not give to him or raise him.

To those who say this sets a president, it does not need to. The future Iis yet to be decided, as I'd the guest list as invitations not been sent out so technically no one needs to uninvited.

To those saying stbMIL needs to get over it, I expect she would love to be able to get over it. I expect the thought of missing her son's wedding eating her up.

I wish all those people contemplating affairs could read this thread to see how very long and harmful the affects of adultery are!

doinitfine great post at 10.13.

I must go to work! OP please tell us what your Dh decides! It is sad but I feel invested! Xx

No but they are making her put how she feels to one side for the benefit of the 2 people who ruined her marriage and hurt her.
Mil has explained her reasons and they are valid for her. Her family should respect that and not pile on the guilt. Allow her to keep her distance if they are not willing to invite parents only but dont make the poor wonen go through something that will cause her pain and distress.

Nobody is making her do anything!

If she doesn't want to go then she doesn't have to!

I'm sorry but it's op and her dh wedding, not his mothers. Why should they be 'willing' to exclude someone!?

Yes, OP! Do update us.

I'm very much in the minority view here, and very much influenced by all the hurt and loss I've seen these family feuds inflict on the next two generations, but I would also really like to know. Good luck. I know there is no easy answer here.

Unless the ops dp is late 30's/40's, then the OW has had a part in raising him too, she's been part of his family for 20 years. His mum is asking him to not invite someone who is part of his family, albeit not part of hers. (As others have asked, does that mean there's step or half siblings that aren't welcome as well?)

Well said, and what does this mean for potential grandkids. Why should they have their rights to grandparents/aunts/uncles compromised.

The answer for me would be to only invite mil and fil.

milky the choice is mum or step mum. All things bring equal I'd choose mum no one here gets to not make a choice. Invite all and let the chips fall where they do is a choice nd will most likely lead to mum not coming.

.Who was spoken to first mil or ful? Just curious

Why should they be 'willing' to exclude someone!?

Because he cares about his mother?

It wouldn't even be a dilemma for me to choose my mother over someone who had caused massive harm to her in the past.

He knows she's not OK.

Either he graciously accepts her choice not to attend.

Or he tells his Dad that his wishes regarding his wife's attendance will not be acceded to.

Either way he needs to accep that he does not come from a happy family where everyone can get together and be great pals.

He comes from one his father smashed to bits years ago.

In the future plans will need to be made that acknowledge that divide.

He's not a little biy any more.

Unfortunately someone is going to be disappointed! Yes, your dh-to-be. And it will affect him for a long time. Every time he sees his wedding photos, and his mum isn't in them, that will be his over-riding memory of the day.

going to a wedding might ignite some painful memories of how her marriage ended especially if the OW is present Fil is going to be there, so if those memories are likely to resurface, they will do when she sees him, surely?? She is happy to go if Fil goes, after all.

Just because 20 years have passed doesn't make what she did okay. What THEY did, surely??

Bewty yes but not everyone is equally strong. You moved on, fabulous (I really mean that, it shows inner strength). But to penalise those who cannot compounds their hurt.

What a difficult situation to be in. It sound like you like your future MIL and don't believe that she is doing this to purposefully be difficult. It sounds like she is just trying to get honest with you both about how she feels. Perhaps she is worried that if she sees this woman she won't be able to stop herself from saying something to her and making a bit of a scene on your big day. I think this was suggested already but could
your MIL come for ceremony and meal and step mother come for the evening part? Will you tell your FIL and his wife that your DPs mother won't be going and the reason why?

Are there any step-mums around on Mumsnet who have just quietly made the decision to stay away in a similar situation?

I know there's a lot of hurt caused by an affair and that has far reaching consequences but your son's wedding day is not the time to start emotionally blackmailing/ making the day about you/ attempting to force a decision. Your MIL is making this all about her and attempting to put your and your fiancé in a very difficult situation- you can't ask your FIL to come without his wife of 20 years! He's been with her longer than he was with MIL! Yes it was an affair but it's time to move on. MIL won't have to talk to your finance's stepmother I actually think she is being very selfish indeed. If you now try to uninvited the stepmother your fiancé will end up being told his Dad won't come and then you're still in the same rubbish situation.

I think you should both sit down with MIL and tell her how important it is to you both and let her make her own decision. She cannot have expected you to reasonably not invite your FILs wife of over 20 years that is absurd.

You know what? In your shoes, OP, I'd bloody cancel the whole thing, elope, and spend the money on an amazing honeymoon. If they can't come to a reasonable adult settlement, then don't have a wedding! It's a hell of a lot of money and fuss for people who can't behave for a few hours.

Are there any step-mums around on Mumsnet who have just quietly made the decision to stay away in a similar situation?

I was a SM for 11 years and even though i was not the OW and Dh had split from the mum 14 years before we met i did not attend DSS 21 birthday. I didnt make a fuss and had a meal with dh and son the following day.
My reasonings were that my part to play in DSS life is secondary to that of his parents and such a celebration did not HAVE to include me. I didnt want there to be tension as mum can be difficult so i didnt want to give any cause.

No one would be uninvited. The invitations are due to go out this weekend.

Is the groom on good enough terms with his SM to have a quiet chat with her and get her personal take on things? She may be fine about swerving the wedding and only going to please FIL.

MIL says that she would be unable to stop herself from venting 20 years of pent up feelings when she sees the OW, so really they do need to be kept apart.

I think that a decent SM would make herself scarce, time doesn't heal all wounds and she is not the most important person here.

your son's wedding day is not the time to start emotionally blackmailing/ making the day about you/ attempting to force a decision.

I agree.

It was very wrong of FIL to force this situation on the son he walked out on as a small boy.

When does FIL's wife stop being known as the OW, seeing as they've been together for 20 years?

Never. She'll always be the homewrecker.

I would have thought that MIL's priority was her son's happiness. let's be honest here. It was 20 years ago. You say "no one covered themselves in glory" - i.e., there was fault on all sides. When all is said and done a wedding is one day only and there is no way the MIL is expecting your son to accept her decision of not attending because his father and stepmother are going, she is hoping to get some kind of payback by having her son retract the invitation to this woman she is so resentful of, she has even said she doesn't trust herself not to cause a scene. She's childish and it's not healthy to have you life dominated by such bitterness. Just stick to your guns and in a couple of week's time after she's finished tantrumming she will agree to be there I expect.

I'm sorry but after 20 years you have to get over it, it's one day and they don't even have to speak. Also marriage breakdown can have more than one party to blame.

It was very wrong of FIL to force this situation on the son he walked out on as a small boy.

He hasn't forced it on his son, his son has chosen to invite everyone, that is his choice. It's only MIL with the issue.

It was very wrong of FIL to force this situation on the son he walked out on as a small boy.

How is FIL forcing anything on anyone?

Sorry but it's not fair to exclude his wife. He's been married to her longer than he was mil.

Mil needs to either get over it and be civil for an afternoon, or not go.

Op and her dh shouldn't be forced to choose. Mil, FIL and wife should choose to go and deal with each other or not to go.

If dh doesn't invite any one of the three of them, someone's going to be unhappy. He can't win. Let them decide on their own. Don't make the decision for them or exclude anyone. If mil can't get over it and go for her sons sake then that's a shame, but I don't see why the wife should be excluded because mil doesn't want to see her (though is happy to see the man who cheated on her!!!!)

Never. She'll always be the homewrecker

Don't you sound nice. Surely FIL is one too? You can't be forced into an affair ffs.

Never. She'll always be the homewrecker

Don't you sound nice. Surely FIL is one too? You can't be forced into an affair ffs.

It was very wrong of FIL to force this situation on the son he walked out on as a small boy.

But we don't know he did that. We know his marriage with the mother of his son didn't work out and no one covered themself in glory. We don't know if he had 50/50 custody, we don't know if he left at all, or if MiL left over the affair, or kicked him out or what.

All we know is that the marriage ended.